On the way to his car, Martin noticed, for the first time, a bed of rose bushes next to where he'd parked. They were covered in blooms and he was sure Aunt Ruth wouldn't mind if he picked one. He inspected each of the bushes and eventually found a rose that had just opened. It was deep red and had a strong bouquet. He picked it and carefully put it on the seat next to him before driving home. He would go to Louisa's cottage and give it to her and tell her he was sorry for not consulting her about James' inoculation. She was sure to be home, it being a Sunday.
His mood felt lighter and when he got back to the surgery, he put the rose in water and went upstairs to freshen up. It was just on 3 pm when he set off down the hill into the village, the rose held carefully between his fingers.
He knocked on the door of Louisa's cottage, nervously looking up and down the road. He could almost feel the eyes of all the neighbours on him and he scowled. Shortly it would be all around the village that the Doc had been to Louisa's – with a rose. He didn't care. They could mock all they liked. He just wanted to see her.
The door opened. "Martin!"
"Louisa." Martin bent slightly so he could see under the low door frame, the rose hidden behind his back.
Their eyes locked for a moment.
"Umm...may I come in?"
She stepped back. "Yes…yes of course."
She'd been working at the kitchen table, every inch of it covered in papers and folders.
"Sorry...it's a bit of a mess in here." She waved her hand towards the table, "I'm working through a Governors' financial report even though it's meant to be school holidays. Come through to the sitting room."
It was the first time he'd been in the cottage. It was small but he could stand upright in both rooms so far. He looked around and, as if Louisa could read his mind, she said, "James is asleep upstairs."
Martin stared at her, his heart pounding as he summoned up the courage to offer his gift.
"Umm…I brought you something." He thrust the rose at her, his eyes anxious and his chin lowered.
Louisa's face broke into a smile as she took it from his outstretched hand.
"Oh Martin…it's beautiful. Thank you." She held the flower to her nose and breathed in deeply. "It smells so nice too."
"Mmm…yes." He tugged at his ear, then held his breath as she stepped closer and stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. He savoured the moment, knowing that in the next few minutes everything could change.
She smiled up at him. "I'll just put it in water."
He remembered another time she'd said that, when he'd been invited to their first supper together at White Rose Cottage and he'd brought her yams as a gift. He'd thought it appropriate at the time, seeing that she was anaemic and they were full of iron. Aunty Joan had torn a strip off him and called him an unromantic idiot. If she were looking down on him now, she would hopefully approve of this gift. Of course she wasn't, but sometimes it was comforting to think that she was.
"Would you like some tea? I was just about to make some. Or coffee?" Louisa came back with the rose in a little vase and stood it on a shelf next to the doors leading to the patio. He thought she looked beautiful in her dark blue jeans and a powder blue jersey.
"Umm…tea will be good."
They went back into the kitchen and he watched as she filled the kettle.
"So, what brings you here...bearing such a lovely gift?" She had her back to him as she prepared the teapot, so he couldn't see her face, but her tone sounded a little too casual. Martin hesitated. He recognised that tone and it made him reluctant to begin the conversation because he knew it would change the mood and usher them into rocky territory.
"I…ah…I wanted to…umm…apologise...for not consulting you about inoculating James."
She still didn't turn but he saw her pause in what she was doing.
"It was insensitive of me…and I should have spoken to you beforehand."
She rested her hands on the countertop, still with her back to him and Martin's heart sank. She was not going to accept his apology. He lowered his head and waited for the storm to break.
Louisa finally turned around. He could see by the set expression on her face that she wasn't going to let this go without further discussion.
"Martin…I will accept your apology…but it doesn't mean that we have resolved this issue."
"Umm…yes…uh I mean no..."
He searched her face, hoping to see some encouragement in her expression, but there was none. Her lips were slightly pursed and a frown creased her brow. This was a moment that could blow up in his face if he said the wrong thing. He was terrified and it tied his tongue in knots.
Louisa poured the tea and handed him a cup. "Let's go to the sitting room. It would've been nice to sit out but it's a bit cool, don't you think?" she said looking out at the patio. He nodded.
The sitting room only had a sofa, so they sat awkwardly at opposite ends of it. Martin sipped his tea, hoping that by doing so he could avoid having to speak first.
Louisa waited a moment then said, "So…just so we understand one another, let's just recap on what's brought us to this point, shall we?"
"Yes." He took another sip of tea.
Louisa could see that he was not going to pick up on her cue to continue the discussion and it frustrated her.
"It's your high-handed way of making decisions that affect our lives as a family...without seeing fit to include me. That's what's brought us here."
He looked at her then, his eyes wide. "I know…" His voice cracked slightly and he cleared his throat. "I mean…umm…yes it was high-handed of me…and I apologise."
The silence between them was charged with tension. He heard Louisa sigh loudly. "And?"
Martin looked confused. "And what?"
"Is that all you're going to say?" Louisa put her cup down so hard it rattled on the saucer.
Martin jumped. Oh God, he thought, I've done something again or not done something…but what?
"What would you like me to say?"
"It's not what I'd like you to say Mar-tin." The exasperation in Louisa's voice made it sound sharp. "It's about you not talking to me…like now...not sharing your thoughts on the matter…not telling me that you..."
He put his cup down carefully, not quite sure what to say. What exactly was he supposed to share with her? She was staring at him expectantly with her eyebrows raised as if to say, 'I'm waiting Martin!'
Very quietly, he said, "I'm confused…I've apologised...twice...and admitted that I was high-handed in not consulting you…so it follows that next time something comes up, I will consult you." He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head slightly, "Is that acceptable?"
"No Martin, that's not acceptable. It's not about consulting me, 'when something comes up'!"
Martin looked perplexed. "What do you mean? I thought you wanted me to con…"
Frustration seemed to ooze out of every pore in Louisa's body. "You don't consult with your wife Mar-tin! You consult with a colleague. There's a difference, in case you haven't noticed. You're supposed to talk to me...and not only about...vaccinations...about...other...things…" She waved her hands in circles as she searched for words. "Everyday things...and that's the problem, isn't it? You consult...but you don't talk. Everything sounds like it's a business meeting. You don't share anything with me unless I ask you. Actually, it's more like I have to interrogate you because all I ever seem to get out of you are short answers."
Martin looked bewildered. He was terrified of speaking. Whatever he said now was going to be taken the wrong way. But if he didn't speak, Louisa was going to get even angrier.
"Umm...Louisa, the term consult is really just another way of saying...discuss...I didn't mean it to sou…"
Louisa looked at him in disbelief and shook her head slowly. "I know what consult means, Martin."
"Of course...I didn't mean to imply…"
"You don't get it, do you?"
"Get what?"
"Ohhhhh…never mind," she groaned in frustration.
Martin's lips tightened as he exhaled through his nose. "Louisa…please...just tell me what you want from me instead of making me guess all the time." His voice was soft and his eyes pleaded with her.
Louisa turned her head away and after a moment she got up and went to stand at the patio doors that looked out over the harbour below, her arms wrapped tightly around her torso. How could she tell him that what she really wanted was the reassurance that she mattered to him, that he loved her. Why should she have to ask him to tell her this? She wanted it to come from him, but she knew it wasn't going to happen. He seemed to be incapable of spontaneously showing her affection or sharing his thoughts and feelings with her. That's what normal couples did. But they were not a normal couple.
Martin was feeling a lot of things at that moment, but the overarching feeling was that he was afraid - afraid of driving the wedge deeper between them. He loved her so much and she couldn't seem to see that. How could she not know? He got up and went to stand beside her. All he wanted was to take her in his arms and feel the comfort of her nearness.
"Louisa…" he said softly, putting his hand out to touch her face with the back of his fingers and she flinched away from him.
Martin pulled his hand away as if he'd been burnt and it felt as if his heart had just shattered into a million pieces. He slowly stepped away from her. She clearly couldn't bear his touch or his presence. He'd been a fool to ever think it could be otherwise.
He turned away and walked to the foot of the stairs. "I'd like to see James."
She nodded and he slowly and quietly climbed the stairs.
On the landing at the top he looked through the doorway to his left and saw that it was the main bedroom, which looked fairly tidy for Louisa. He turned to the other door and went in. James was fast asleep on his back in a travel cot, his little arms flung out above his head. Martin's face was full of tenderness as he bent over and touched the backs of his fingers against the boy's soft forehead. He felt his eyes stinging. How was he going to live without seeing him every day? And Louisa too. The two of them were his life and he was about to lose them. For the second time that day tears welled up and this time, spilled over and ran down his cheeks. It felt like his heart was breaking. Eventually he turned away and dried his face with his handkerchief and when he had composed himself, he made his way downstairs again.
Louisa was in the kitchen.
"I'll be off then," he said, his voice sounding business-like. Louisa nodded and followed him to the little hallway. She leaned past him to open the door, then stepped back and looked up at him. She thought his eyes looked a little red but it was probably the dim light in the hallway.
"Goodbye Martin."
He hurriedly stepped past her into the street. He couldn't speak, so he just grunted, "Louisa," by way of a greeting and set off at a rapid pace down the hill.
ooooOOOOoooo
Thanks for all the reviews and PMs - they are very encouraging and very much appreciated. Some have wondered at my choice of title for this story. It's a line from a song which goes: "If you leave me now, you take away the very heart of me." (from If You Leave Me Now by Chicago). I thought it perfectly sums up what happens in this story.