Martin walked as if he were being chased. He walked right past the surgery and up onto the cliff path and didn't stop until he came to a viewing bench quite some distance away. He looked around but mercifully the place was deserted except for the wheeling gulls whose cries mingled with the sound of the sea far below. He sat on the bench, his hands clasped tightly between his thighs.
He'd failed once again to reconcile with Louisa. His apology had almost been superfluous, as if that's not what Louisa really wanted to hear. It was something else and he couldn't fathom what it was. He felt frustrated and confused. A part of his life was slipping away and he was unable to stop it. He had to get used to the idea that there was no future for him with Louisa. She didn't want him – couldn't even bear his touch anymore. Aunt Ruth had been wrong. He wasn't good enough for Louisa. He'd been a fool to think that he could ever make her happy or that she could love him the way he loved her. It was over - truly over.
He swallowed hard as he felt the tears blurring his vision again. He searched for his handkerchief but couldn't find it, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand instead. He stared blindly ahead at the edge of the cliff and at the clouds hanging dark and swollen over the ocean. The wind cut through him like a knife but he didn't care as he lowered his head and covered his face with his hands.
He didn't know how long he sat there but the first spots of rain roused him from his dark thoughts and he eventually stood and made his way down the hill. He was soaked by the time he got back to the surgery. He didn't care. He pushed the kitchen door open and stepped inside, pausing for a moment as a wave of intense loneliness washed over him. It didn't feel like home anymore.
ooooOOOOoooo
Louisa watched Martin walk away as if he couldn't wait to put distance between them. His back was straight and his pace fast and he soon disappeared from view.
She closed the door and went to sit on the sofa that only moments ago they'd occupied. She sat there for a long time, playing their meeting over and over in her mind. He'd been so shy when he'd presented her with the rose. It was such an unusual thing for him to do and she'd loved it. But then, once again, when it came to talking about the issues that were between them, Martin had been silent. Yes, he had apologised for not talking to her about James' inoculation but that wasn't the only thing that needed talking about. And she'd wanted so desperately for him to tell her that he loved her, that everything was going to be alright, and when he didn't she got angry and resentful.
When he'd come to her and put his hand out to touch her and she'd jerked away from him, it wasn't because she couldn't bear his touch - it was because she wanted him so much that she wouldn't have been able to control herself. She would have flung her arms around his neck and kissed him as if her life depended on it - because that's the effect he always had on her.
She'd done it before, in the taxi on the way back from the hospital after he had saved Peter Cronk's life. Every pore in her body had been alive to him sitting so close to her, and when his hand had finally touched hers, she had thrown her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately and he hadn't held back.
She'd also done the same thing after he had taken her hand in his when they were walking back to the car after the concert in the park. His touch had such an intoxicating effect on her that she'd pulled him into an arbour beside the path and kissed him. And it had felt so good. Of course he'd thoroughly spoiled both occasions but it didn't detract from the physical attraction they had for one another. It was a powerful thing.
And today was no exception. She wanted to be in his arms, to feel his lips on hers and it would have been so easy to just follow where that led. If he'd touched her in anyway, she would have given in and they would have made love, but nothing would have been resolved. They would continue going round in circles, just as they always did.
She knew she shouldn't have reacted like that. He'd looked so hurt and she knew she had to let him know the real reason she had reacted that way. No matter how angry she was with him, she couldn't bear it that he thought she found his touch abhorrent - anything but.
She looked around for her mobile phone, eventually finding it under some papers on the kitchen table and dialled his number. It went straight to voicemail. She disconnected without leaving a message. She dialled the surgery number and the answering machine picked up the call with a message telling callers to phone a number in Wadebridge.
She couldn't risk taking James out to go up to the surgery because the weather had closed in and it had started to rain quite heavily. She felt helpless and a little panicked. She tried his mobile again and it was still going to voicemail. Maybe he would phone back when he saw her missed calls.
James began to stir and she went up to him. "Hello darling." She picked him up. His little cheeks were rosy from sleep and he hid his face in her neck. As Louisa turned she noticed something white on the floor. She bent to pick it up and realised it was Martin's handkerchief. It was still wet. Louisa closed her eyes and remembered how red Martin's eyes had been when he left. She held James against her body and rocked him as she began to sob. Oh God...what had she done?
ooooOOOOoooo
Louisa turned the car into the narrow lane leading to Havenhurst Farm. She hoped Ruth would be there and wouldn't mind her unexpected visit. She'd left James Henry with Janice for a few hours while she did some shopping and it was while she was at the Co-Op that the idea had come to her. She had to speak to Ruth about Martin. She didn't know what else to do.
She'd tried calling Martin again the previous evening and eventually he'd answered with his usual curt 'Ellingham'. When he heard her voice he'd asked abruptly if anything was wrong; if she or James needed medical assistance. When she'd said no but she would really like to talk to him and would he mind coming to her cottage as it was a bit late to take James out? He'd said no, he was too busy and disconnected the call.
Now as a final resort she was on her way to see his Aunt. She didn't always see eye to eye with Ruth but she conceded that, like Martin, she could always be relied on to speak the truth, even when it was hurtful or embarrassing.
She pulled the car to a stop next to the barn and got out. It was a beautiful day with not a breath of wind. In the distance the sea looked deep blue and flat after the rain they'd had the day before. It was a spectacular view.
"Louisa…this is a pleasant surprise." Ruth had come from the barn carrying a small box. She looked at the little red car. "Didn't know you had acquired a car."
"It's not mine. It's Pippa's. I needed to drive out here so…"
Louisa seldom came to the farm and never on her own. Ruth was intrigued. "Everything alright?"
"Yes everything is...fine." Louisa gnawed at her bottom lip, a sure sign that she was stressed. "Umm…have you got a moment? I'd like to chat about something."
"I was just about to make a cup of coffee. Join me?"
Louisa nodded and they made their way into the kitchen. Ruth had made some big changes and the place looked more functional and homey. "You've done a fantastic job here Ruth…it looks lovely."
"Well it certainly needed it," Ruth said as she prepared the espresso machine and set everything out. As the machine hummed and poured its contents into the little cups, Ruth turned to face Louisa. "So…what's on your mind that's brought you all the way out here? You look a little tense."
"Do I?" Louisa sounded defensive.
Ruth gave her one of her frank stares as she set the cups on the table and indicated that Louisa should sit. "Come on...out with it."
God, she was so much like Martin – so forthright. "Umm…I wanted to talk to you about Martin."
"Ahhh…," Ruth nodded slowly as she sipped the dark, strong coffee. "I thought so. Has he done something outrageous again?"
Louisa bit her tongue. It was alright when she criticised Martin but she still got defensive of him when anyone else did.
Ruth waited. She could see Louisa struggling to find a way to begin.
"We're living apart again…since last weekend," she said eventually.
"Yes…so I've heard."
Louisa looked put out. "Where did you hear it?"
"The village telegraph. It's very efficient, as you know," Ruth said. "I take it that Martin has somehow managed to upset the domestic apple cart again?"
Louisa nodded and chewed her lip even more. "I got angry with him...because he…because..." She took a deep breath. "Martin just doesn't seem to realise that both of us are James' parents. That anything concerning James should be discussed between us…"
Ruth nodded. "I see...so Martin tries to take control?"
Louisa frowned, "Well no...not really...he just does things without thinking to tell me."
"Such as?"
"Well...a little while ago he arranged James' christening ceremony without telling me. He even told you before he told me. And now he's given James his vaccinations and the first I knew of it was when Martin said I wasn't to worry if James was a bit 'off' for a day or so...I mean how was I supposed to take that?" Louisa looked petulant. "He could have just told me he was going to do it."
Ruth drained the last of her coffee and put the little cup back in its saucer. "Were you opposed to the christening or the vaccination?"
Louisa pursed her lips. "That's not the point, is it? He should have discussed it with me."
Ruth nodded. "So the real issue is that you felt left out."
Louisa looked as if this was the first time she'd thought of that. "Yes...I suppose so. But it's not just that Ruth. He doesn't communicate at the best of times and when he does he sometimes comes across as being superior." She looked down.
"How so?"
"I can't really explain." She thought for a moment. "For instance, he refused to let James have a dummy a while ago because, in his medical opinion, it would do awful things to his teeth and ears and God knows what. James wouldn't stop crying - it was only meant to be a temporary measure. But noooo. His medical opinion is the only thing that counts." She gave a derisive sniff and picked at a grain of sugar on the table top.
"And when it comes to food, he prefers to do all the cooking because, as he puts it, it has to be nutritious and healthy, as if I am not capable of making anything that comes up to his standards."
Louisa traced her finger around a knot in the wooden table.
"He won't participate in anything - like at the school. He finds it tedious. I'm headmistress, for goodness sake, and I have to drag him to the occasional function kicking and screaming. Why? Why can't he just do things when I ask him? Why can't he make an effort...for me?" She shook her head sadly. "Why can't he just show some…some...?" She huffed out a breath and leaned back in her chair.
Ruth waited. She knew Louisa was getting close to verbalising what the real issue was.
"He won't let me in Ruth."
And there it was, thought Ruth.
"I can't seem to get through to him. Whenever I try and get close to him or try and draw him out, he clams up and pushes me away…emotionally speaking. And I want to be let in...I want to get close to him. I want to know that I matter to him but he never gives me any indication..." She looked at her hands folded in her lap. "I don't know what to do anymore Ruth."
Ruth sighed inwardly. I don't know what to do anymore. She had heard those exact words from Martin's lips only yesterday. She marvelled at how two people who clearly loved one another so much could end up in this place of utter despair. So she asked Louisa the same question she'd asked Martin. "What do you really want Louisa?"
Without hesitation she said, "I want Martin to be happy, so that he can open up and be with us - as a husband and father." She looked up at Ruth and her eyes were bright with tears.
So they both wanted the same thing and yet neither of them could get to the point where they could speak about it or act on their feelings. Both were hoping the other would make the first move.
"Is Martin not being a husband and father now?"
Louisa frowned. "He is…sort of. I mean he does everything for James without me asking and he's considerate and more than accommodating when it comes to us living together and that sort of thing…but…he's emotionally so closed off." She ran her finger around the rim of her cup. "With James he's different. He talks to him when he doesn't think I can hear. He is so gentle and he cuddles him and whispers to him." Her face reflected her sadness. "He can't seem to be like that with me. With me he's guarded, like there's a part of him that he's not willing to share...with me."
Ruth looked at Louisa's dejected face. It must be difficult for her to watch her husband being affectionate and loving towards their son when he couldn't bring himself to spontaneously be the same with her.
"Don't you think that everyone has a part of themselves that they are not willing to share?"
"Yes I suppose so…but with Martin it's as if he can't express his feelings, even in the privacy of our home…when it's just me and James there." She fiddled with her cup. "When he talks to me it's like he's talking to one of his patients instead of to his wife." She took a sip of her coffee. "And then he goes and makes decisions about our lives without talking to me first – as if my opinion doesn't count, or I am incapable of having an opinion at all."
Louisa told Ruth what had happened between her and Martin the day before at her cottage. Ruth pursed her lips and gave an audible sigh as her heart sank. It must have taken all Martin's courage to go to Louisa with the rose and tell her he was sorry. And then to have Louisa react to his touch like that must have devastated him. He had left her house earlier that day with his emotions in a very raw state and this must have hurt him very much – and probably chased him into that 'safe' place behind his walls again.
Ruth looked across the table at Louisa's distraught face. She obviously loved Martin but their relationship was undermined by their insecurities. Louisa had no way of knowing how to deal with Martin's armour of detachment. And Martin had no idea how to deal with the part of Louisa that needed constant reassurance.
If anything was to come of this complex and fragile relationship it had to come from a place of understanding. It was time for Louisa to hear a few stark and disturbing revelations.
ooooOOOOoooo