Chapter 18

We didn't move for a while. Even though we both needed to clean up, I didn't want to spoil the moment by pulling away, and Arthur didn't seem inclined to either. Eventually, we both laughed at the same time.

"I should—" Arthur began as I said, "I'd better clean up."

"You go first," he told me.

"Okay." I went to the bathroom and had a quick rinse, then returned to the bedroom and put on my pants while Arthur took his turn in the bathroom. I waited for him on the couch, in case he was suddenly embarrassed when he came out without his trousers on. When he joined me, he had on clean clothes. "Do you want to go out and get something to eat?" I suggested.

"No." He shook his head. "Can we get some food to bring back here?"

"Sure. What do you like?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I've never had take-out. Penny and I could never afford it. We just had frozen dinners."

"You want me to go and get something?" I suggested. "I usually just get a burger or something like that."

"All right. I won't eat a lot anyway. I like chicken. I'll give you some money."

"No, you won't." I gave him a quick kiss and headed out.

There was a fast food restaurant a couple of blocks away, and I collected food from there. I chose a large burger with all the trimmings for myself, and a fried chicken sandwich for Arthur, both with fries. I got drinks, too. When I got back, Arthur was watching Murray Franklin on TV. He fetched some plates while I opened the paper bag of food.

"Do you want coke or lemonade?" I asked. "I got both, I didn't know which you'd like."

"Lemonade, please."

"Great." I passed him the drink. I preferred coke.

Arthur ate the entire chicken sandwich, much to my surprise, and a few of the fries. Then he took a handful of pills, which he explained were one of each of five of the medications he had to take.

"I'll take the sleeping pills later," he added.

"I threw mine away once." I slid my arm around him as he sat beside me. "It was after a bad nightmare. I told myself I wouldn't use them again, but then I got a new prescription right after."

"Do you have those dreams often?"

"Only when I take two pills and knock myself out. If I'm unconscious from drinking, it doesn't happen." I chuckled.

He lit two cigarettes and passed me one, then looked at his watch. "Don't you have to go to work soon?"

"I'd rather stay with you. It won't hurt to have another night off, and it's the only time I get to spend with you."

"Are you going to stay with me all night?" He rested his head against my shoulder, and I hugged him tighter.

"Yes, if you want me to."

"You'd better have one of my pills, then." He got up and fetched the anti-depressants that I took.

"I can't keep taking your meds."

"You can if you're here. It's the same one. If I run out before my next prescription comes, I'll have a couple of yours."

"Fair enough." I dry-swallowed the pill.

Arthur sat back down with one leg tucked under him, facing me. "There's something else I want to tell you." He sucked on his cigarette and tipped his head back to blow the smoke upwards.

"Sounds serious." I switched my attention from the very boring actor who was a guest on the Murray Franklin show, and looked at Arthur.

"Yeah. I think you know most things about me except this, but I know you must have wondered about it because you saw my wrists at least once." He pulled up one shirt sleeve enough to uncover his wrist, so I could see the long vertical scar. He showed me the other, then pulled both cuffs down.

"Yes, I've seen them. I assumed you'd tell me when you were ready to." I took his hand and squeezed it.

"Thanks for not asking. It was about six months ago, the last time."

"The last time? Are you saying you did this more than once?"

He nodded. "Three times. The first time it was because I was on the wrong meds. I felt a lot worse than I do now on a bad day. I couldn't see a way out of the darkness. I used a razor blade, but I didn't lock the bathroom door, and Penny found me before I lost too much blood. The second time I was at work. I had a different job then, but doing the same thing, working as a clown. The company went out of business. I was already on a downward spiral when they told me I didn't have a job anymore. I didn't really think about it. The others had all left, I thought. I was in the office, or the dressing room, whatever you want to call it. I guess I passed out, but the next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. One of my old co-workers was still there, and he found me. He thought I was crazy."

"God, Arthur, I'm so sorry."

His cigarette had burned down to the filter. I took it from him and lit another for him. "What about the last time?"

"Here. Again." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "I took a beating from some kids in the street. Caring for Penny was getting on top of me. I had no one to care for me or even talk to. I always put on a happy face for her, but nobody did that for me. I was wondering what the point of it all was. You know that feeling, right?"

"Yes, I know."

"I almost ended up in Arkham that time. We'd have got to know each other sooner." He burst into loud laughter. It took a while for it to stop, by which time tears were trickling down his face. "I didn't even want to die that time. I just wanted the pain in here to stop." He tapped his head. "I guess there are some wires crossed in my head somewhere. I'm sorry if I spoiled tonight. I just wanted you to know the last bad thing about me before we go any further. So, you can change your mind, if you want to."

"I'm not gonna change my mind." I leaned forward and tugged him into my arms. After a moment of shuffling around, he pressed against me, his legs draped over mine. "I'm glad you told me. However hard things are you can always tell me."

"I won't do it again," he whispered.

"I know. You have me now."

"We have each other," Arthur corrected. "You have tough times, too. I know it seems like I'm crazy and fragile, but I'm not, most of the time. I can help you, too."

"You do help me. I never thought I'd find somebody to be with like this either." I pressed my face into his neck and held him tighter. Feelings bubbled up in me that I hadn't experienced in years; maybe some that I'd never experienced, too. I could see a future for myself for the first time—a future where I might have a chance of being happy, at least some of the time.

"I remember the day I got out of Arkham," I said. "It wasn't even that long ago, really. I turned around and looked at the building and wondered what the point was. I'd been in there five years being rehabilitated and I kept asking myself why they bothered to keep me alive when the taxpayer had to fund all that for me. All I had was a single outfit that I wore when I left, a few bills for essentials, a cheque from my dad, and a key and an address to my place down the hall."

"You must have been lonely," Arthur murmured.

"Yeah. I saw you that day, in your clown outfit, dancing outside a store. Our eyes met, and you took a step back, like you were wary of me. Then I got here and the first time I ran into Sophie, she did the same thing. I went to the yellow cab office to try to get a job, and the guy in there looked at me like I was there to rob the place. It made things seem even more pointless."

"I'm sorry." Arthur ran his hand over my mohawk and kissed my cheek. "I like this now."

"Me too."

We tried to watch TV for a while but having Arthur in my arms and draped across my lap was too much of a distraction. He kept nuzzling my neck and kissing my cheek, and when I eventually turned my head and our lips met, things quickly grew heated again.

I broke the kiss, already breathless. "You want to go to bed?"

"Yes." He got up quickly. "I'll get ready. Just give me a minute."

I stayed where I was while he went to the bathroom, then emerged in pyjama pants and a T-shirt. I took my turn in the bathroom, used the spare toothbrush in the cupboard, and stripped down to my T-shirt and underwear. Arthur was in bed when I joined him, the covers pulled up to his chin, and the bedside lamp on. I slid into the bed and lay on my side, facing him. I was still half hard from kissing him, but I didn't expect anything more to happen.

"Will you turn the light off?"

"Sure." I flicked the switch, plunging the room into darkness. When I turned back to face Arthur, he shuffled closer and pressed himself against me. I gasped when I felt he was naked from the waist down, and harder than I was. "What happened to your pants?"

"I don't need them, do I?" He chuckled and slipped a hand under my T-shirt. "Aren't you going to take this off?"

I didn't hesitate to wriggle out of both garments and toss them off the side of the bed. I knew Arthur wasn't comfortable about having his upper body uncovered, so I said nothing about the fact that he kept his T-shirt on. Instead, I pulled him into my arms and kissed him. He ran his hand up and down my back, then gradually lower until he was stroking my arse with light touches. My skin pebbled with goose bumps, and my dick throbbed. I rolled him onto his back and slid across him, nudged his legs apart with my knee so I could rest between them. My erection pressed against his, and we both groaned. He pulled his knees up either side of me, and brought our lips together, thrusting his tongue into my mouth in a searing kiss.

All I could think about in that moment, was reaching down to prepare him, and sliding my aching shaft into his body. It had been so long, and every time before it had been rushed, trying to get it over with so as not to be caught. I had all the time in the world with Arthur, and I wanted him so badly it made me ache. But even though I was between his legs, I doubted he was ready for that. He was so innocent, and we'd done nothing more than touch each other so far. Instead, I lifted my hips a little and slid my hand between us. I curled my fingers around him and me together, and stroked slowly and lightly, the way he liked it. He shuddered and dug his nails into my back.

I pulled my lips from his and grinned. "You like that?"

"Fuck, yes."

"Me too." I rubbed my palm over both our tips and used the precome gathering there to ease the way. My erection slid against his, the friction from both him and my fist pushing me far too rapidly towards orgasm. I wondered if it would always be like this with him. Somehow, he just did something to me that drove me crazy. He was sexy as hell and he didn't even realise.

Afterwards, I used my underwear to clean us up, and wrapped myself around Arthur again, my chest to his back, my face tucked into his hair. For once, I didn't think I would have much trouble sleeping. He was good for me, and I hoped I was good for him too.