I apologize if this sucks, I just wanted to get it written. It will serve kind of as a prologue to another story that's in the works (but not uploaded). Maybe I'll combine them, idk. Lemme know if ya'll want me to combine the two or not.

If I do, you'll find that this "chapter" is written in first person, the rest is written in third person. Writing is difficult as fuck and the only way I could get the words down for this stupid thing was by putting it in Merlin's perspective.

Mary Collins. She was the first. The first soul I sent to the beyond. It wasn't my intention to kill her, I only acted on instinct and the chandelier fell on her. I didn't want her to die. She was a grieving mother, she was in pain, Uther killed her son. It's understandable that she's want revenge. But I still killed her, even if it was to save that royal ass.

Edwin Muirdan was the second. He had used magic against Morgana, and then Uther. He used those odd beetles to get into the castle and nearly kill the King. He tried to ruin Gaius's reputation and take over, he almost caused Gaius to lose his job, his living. And then he tried to kill me. And Gaius. I had to do it. But I didn't want to kill him either. It was an accident that the ax struck him the way it did.

Aulfric and Sophia, father and daughter, they were Sidhe. They wanted to get back home and they tried to Arthur for passage. They were drowning him. I had no choice. I should regret killing them too but I don't. It was the only way to save Arthur. I had to.

Will. Oh gods, Will, my best friend, the only friend I ever had growing up. I got him killed. And he took the blame for me. He said he was the sorcerer. He tried to cover for me. How could I let him? I could've saved him. I could've used my magic to heal the injury from the bolt. Why didn't I save him?

Mother and Gaius almost died. Nimueh did die. It was all to save Arthur. I didn't want them to get in between us. I wanted to trade my life for Arthur's, I still want that. Why didn't the world take me instead of trying to take them? Mother almost died. Gaius did die, even for a short moment. They never would've gotten hurt if it wasn't for me.

And then Nimueh, the deadly High Priestess. It was so easy to kill her. All I had to do was use my magic. I turned her to ash. But she didn't deserve to die. If Uther hadn't hated magic so much, if he hadn't killed all those innocent people, she would've have become bitter. But he did kill those people and she tried to kill my Mother and Gaius. The world wouldn't let me die so she had to.

Mordred. I tried to get a child killed. I tried to kill a child! How did I fall so far? He was 11. Or was he 12? He wasn't doing anybody any harm. And I tried to kill him. All because a lizard said he would kill Arthur. I let my fear get a hold of me. It's still holding onto me. Why did I try to get him killed?

And Morgana, she was just looking for help, someone to tell her why she has magic, why she can see the future. I took her to the Druids, then I tried to take her back. I sent the knights after them. I put her back in Uther's castle. It's my fault she's the way she is now. If I didn't interfere, if I left her with the Druids, she'd be safe and she wouldn't have turned to hate. I failed my friend.

And those Druids. They were innocent. They only wanted to help Morgana find the answers to her questions. But I send the knights and so many of them died. I sent innocent men and women to their deaths. How could I do that?

Hengist. I don't regret getting him killed. I should, he was a human just like me. But he hurt Gwen. And he made Lancelot fight. But to be eaten to death by a giant naked rodent? That's cruel. It would've been kinder to snap his neck or stab him in the gut. But no, I chose to seal him in with the Wilddeoren. The way he screamed and begged for help. (Merlin shivers)

I failed Gaius again, too many times. Aredian planted false evidence in our chambers and Gaius took the blame so my secret would be safe. He took the blame just like Will did, all to protect me. He shouldn't have. I don't deserve it. And he got tortured for it. He was starved and deprived of sleep, treated like an animal, and all because he tried to keep my secret safe.

And Aredian. I killed him. I didn't do it with my hands, but I caused him to fall out that window. He was threatening Morgana and had a knife to her throat. If I didn't make it burn his hand, he wouldn't have stumbled over that chest and fallen to his death. But he was going to kill Morgana, he would have. But he didn't have to die like that.

Freya, my beautiful sweet innocent Freya, the love of my life. If anyone deserved to live, it was her. She deserved the world on a string, to have all the stars in the sky. It wasn't her fault that she was cursed, wasn't her fault that she had to kill. She's innocent. I should've taken her away sooner, gotten her out of Camelot before Arthur could strike her. If I did, she'd still be alive and we'd be happy in our house by the lake. Why didn't I get her out sooner?

I tried to poison Morgana. I tried to kill her. Morgause was using her as vessel for that sleep spell, but still, it wasn't her fault. Maybe if I had talked to her, told her what was going on, she wouldn't be like this. I could've told her what we had to do to break the spell, she would've understood. And then everything would be okay. I should've stopped Morgause from taking her away. She poisoned her mind. If I stopped her, then Morgana wouldn't be the way she is.

So many citizens of Camelot. I got them killed. And all because I didn't want to see Kilgarrah chained anymore. I let my feelings of kinship get in the way, we're both creatures of magic, and I let him loose. He killed so many in those attacks on the city. It's all my fault.

And then Balinor, my father. I got him killed too. All because I had to release a stupid cryptic lizard that never helps me when I need it. If I didn't go searching for him, he'd still be alive. He tried to save me and I got him killed. Why does everyone around me have to die?

I lost the Cup of Life. It was my job to protect it after Iseldir gave it to us, and I lost it. I allowed Morgause to get her hands on it and create that army. All those people that became immortal, and all those people that her army killed. I did that, it's my fault they're all dead, all because I couldn't hold onto a stupid cup. I should've stopped Arthur from taking it from the Druids. If I stopped him, then Morgause wouldn't have the cup and all those people wouldn't be dead.

Lancelot, the only knight who ever knew my secret, my best friend after Will, man with more noble and honorable than those he served. He sacrificed himself to close the veil. All because I wanted to die. I wanted to die in Arthur's place and Lancelot wouldn't let me. I could've stopped him, used my magic to keep him from walking through the veil, but I didn't. And now he's dead. Another best friend is dead. All because of me.

Uther, the tyrant King with a mission to eradicate all forms of magic from the world. I killed him with a healing spell. Granted, Morgana had cursed him, but still, I killed the King. I killed Arthur's father. All because I failed Morgana. She wouldn't have betrayed him, wouldn't have broken his heart, and he could've protected himself. I wouldn't have had to use my magic to heal him. I wouldn't have killed him. If he was stronger, then he wouldn't have needed that spell. He would still be alive. And Arthur would still have his father.

Julius Borden, a common criminal and the man who helped me find the last dragon egg. I was used to get to the last piece of the Triskelion but still, I didn't want him to die. He was going to take the egg and use it to make himself rich, I couldn't let him do that, but I didn't want him to die, didn't want to kill him. But I let the temple fall and I left him there to get crushed. I killed him.

I've killed so many people, and hurt so many more. All those innocent citizens and sorcerers, and the bandits that ambush us when we're in the woods. I've killed them, sentenced them to death. I'm not better than a monster.

I am a monster.

I'm poison.

I've hurt so many, killed so many, and hurt my friends. Everyone around me gets hurt, gets killed. I can't stay here, I have to leave, get as far away. They'll be safer without me around. They won't get hurt anymore, won't get killed.

I'm going to leave. I'm going to pack up and leave, destiny be damned. I don't know where I'll go, but I'll figure that out later. But first, I should say goodbye, I can at least do that for them…and for me.

I stand outside of Arthur's chambers with a tray of food in my hands. It's past sunrise, I've been up all night planning my leaving. I'll ask Arthur for some time off to visit Mother, then I'll leave. I will leave, maybe actually stay with Mother for a time, and then I'll figure out where to go from there.

I inhale deeply, then exhale slowly, and open the door.

Arthur is fast asleep at the table, he's been working so hard lately since…since Uther's passing, working much harder than any man should. My leaving will make things easier. He won't have me to get in his way.

"Arthur," I call, setting the tray of food on the table. I cross the room to the windows, shift open the curtains. He doesn't wake so I gently touch his shoulder. "Time to wake up, Sire."

The blond grumbles, slowly waking, and looks around with tired eyes. "Merlin?" he asks quietly.

I nod. "It's morning," I say and move away from the desk. Today, I'm gonna do my ultimate best as his servant, one last day. He deserves as much as that. "Breakfast is on the table."

"M-okay." He stretches in his seat, joints popping loudly, and groans. He must be stiff. I know I would be if I slept all night in a chair.

"Would you like a massage, Sire?" He can't do anything if his body is stiff. The question confuses him. "Your muscles, they're probably stiff and tense. Especially since you slept at your desk."

"No, I'm fine," he answers, standing. He's lying. Even from that small movement, I can tell. He's really stiff. And his knees pop when he makes his way to the dressing screen.

I have his clothes ready, except his shirt. While he's trying to change breeches, I move a chair so the back is facing the table. I might get in trouble for this, but I can't let his muscles stay stiff and tense. He's the king.

Arthur's shoulders pop as he steps out again, changed except for a shirt. I have it in my hands, and he reaches for it.

"Sorry, Sire, but not yet." Confusion again. I grab him, move him to the table, and make him straddle the chair, all before he can protest. "You can't go to your meetings with a stiff body," I tell him and immediately start to work on his shoulders.

He tries to protest but once my hands start working out the kinks, he relaxes against the chair and lets me give him the massage. "Damn that feels good," he groans.

I feel a smile forming. This is the least I can do. "Can I ask…" I swallow the lump in my throat. "I'd like some time off."

"Oh, you're asking this time? What happened to just disappearing off to the tavern without permission?"

I sigh. I don't even know where the tavern is. "Yes, I'm asking. I…I wanna see my mother." It's not a lie, it isn't, but yet I feel like I'm lying.

"Oh, okay."

My face is warm, my ears are burning. I hope he gives me the time off. "I know it's a foolish thing, Sire, but it's just…it's been so long since I last saw her. I…I miss her. Call me a girl all you want but I - "

"Merlin," Arthur's voice is firm, startling me. He turns to look at me. "I said 'okay'. Go and visit your mother."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. I'll give you the week. You can leave tomorrow."

It worked. He's actually giving me time off. I mean, I would've gone anyway had he said 'no' but I'm glad he's given me this. I'm definitely going to make this the best day for him.

"Thank you, Arthur."

"No problem."

I'm taking the laundry down to the cleaners, having just left Arthur's chambers, and nearly bump into Gwen.

"Hi, Merlin. You're look happy this morning," she says.

Am I smiling? I must be. "Arthur's giving me some time off to visit my mother," I tell her. She'll find out anyway, might as well tell her myself. "I'll be leaving tomorrow."

"Well that's good. Tell her I said 'hi'. I'd like to stay and talk, but I'm a little busy right now."

I nod, it's understandable. I have a lot of work to do today too. There's still so many I have to talk to.

Gwen and I part ways and I continue my way to the launders.

I bump into Gwaine and Percy next on the way outside so I can muck out the stables. Arthur hadn't asked me, but they need to be cleaned. "Morning," I greet. I hope I'm giving them the same smile Gwen saw.

"Mornin', Merls!" Gwaine exclaims and claps a hand on my shoulder. He's certainly in a good mood, probably because there's no training this morning.

Percy just gives a short nod, he doesn't talk much. The Gentle Giant, that's what everyone's started to call him.

"I'm gonna be gone for awhile," I say. Might as well get it out now.

"Where ya goin'? Not the tavern, right? Or are you gonna get yourself into some trouble?"

I chuckle. "Just going home for a few days. I wanna see my mother. It's been awhile." My heart is beating hard. Why does it still feel like I'm lying? "Arthur's giving me a week off."

"Damn, you get to just up and leave, and we get stuck here. Hey, maybe I can join you?" his dark eyes twinkle with the idea. "Yeah, I can go with you. Can't let a skinny twig like you leave us without any protection."

He can't be serious. "Um…please don't. I'll be fine, Gwaine, I don't need any protection." I really don't, if all those people I killed is anything to go by.

Gwaine tries insisting. He's putting up an arguement. But I don't listen, not really. I can't let him come with me. He'll ruin everything.

"Gwaine," Percy says suddenly, a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Merlin will be fine." He looks at me, I feel my heart beating faster. "You have a good visit with your Mother. We'll see you when you get back."

Oh thank the Gods he's siding with me. "Thank you, Percy, I will." I have to get out of here. "Anyway, I got a lot of work to do. Bye."

Leon is in the stables when I finally get there, feeding an apple to his mare. He's supposed to be getting ready for the meeting later.

"Aren't you going to the council meeting?" I ask. Maybe I was too quiet coming in because the man jumps.

"Wha - Merlin! Morning," he greets with a smile once he's seen that it's only me. "Yeah, I'll be going soon. I just had to give my beauty a fresh ripe apple for being such a good girl," he's using that baby voice and stroking her face. When I first saw him do that, it weirded me out, but it's just another part of his charm.

"I see, well you should get going. Don't want to be late."

He nods and starts off out the door.

"Oh, Leon!" I call him back. "I'm gonna be gone for a few days, gonna visit my mother. You'll take care of Arthur, right?" It's a stupid question, I know it is, but I'm gonna be gone soon and someone needs to watch out for the idiot. He's gonna need them.

"Of course, Merlin, it's my duty after all," he looks proud when he says that, and he should be - he's a great man. "Have a good vacation."

I nod and watch him leave, feeling my smile drop.

"Hey, Merlin!" someone calls and I find Elyan jogging up to me. He's supposed to be on the battlements today. Maybe he's running late? "Heard you were leaving us."

I nod. "Yeah, just a week. Gonna go home and visit my mother." My heart doesn't pound as badly this time.

"Well, that's good. You have fun, yeah?"

I nod again. "I will." Conversation is so weird with Elyan. We've never really talked before. I'm not as close to him as the others.

"Anyway, I'm off to guard duty. See ya!" he rushes off. Maybe he feels as awkward as I do when we try to talk?

Well, that won't be a problem for much longer. I'm gonna leave tonight, I've already got most of my things packed.

Gaius. I'm kind of worried about leaving him. He'll be alone and there's no one to help him. Maybe I should've found someone to take over, one of the servants maybe? But it's too late. I'm gonna be leaving.

"Merlin, my boy, you're home early."

"I am, yeah." It's nearing nightfall, usually I'd still be with Arthur. "Arthur's giving me the night off." My heart's beating hard again and I can feel my ears starting to burn. Why am I so nervous all of a sudden? "He's giving me time off to visit Mother."

He hums, "It has been awhile since you've last seen her. Give her my best, yes?"

I nod. Leaving my friends is one thing, but leaving Gaius? If anyone could talk me out of what I'm about to do, it's him. "I'm gonna go pack," I say and rush to my room.

I can't stay. I really can't. I'd love to keep living here, keep going on adventures with my friends, learning medicine from Gaius, but I can't. They're all in danger if I stay.

No, as soon as night falls completely and Gaius is asleep, I'll leave. I have to. I don't want to leave him alone, but he's gotten into so much trouble because of me. And he'll get into even more if I continue to stay here.

Arthur mentioned a send-off in the tavern with all our friends - Gwaine, Percy, Leon, Elyan, Gwen. But I can't go. If I do, it'll make me want to stay. I can't face them again, not when I know something they don't.

But it's good they're all there. That means I won't run into any of them on my way out of Camelot.

I grab my bag, I still only have the one, and still only have a few things in it.

In all these years, I've never really gathered much for belongings. All that's been added to my bag is an extra shirt, the magic tome Gaius gave me when I first arrived in Camelot, and the dragon carving that Balinor left me. And of course, there's the staff that I kept after I killed Sophia and Aulfric.

Gaius is already asleep when I leave my room, he went to bed early for once. Of course, I had a hand in that. It's wrong of me to use my magic on a friend, on family, like that, but I had to. I don't need him questioning me.

The city is quiet, as always. It's an easy walk through the streets. I stick to the shadows, don't need any guards stopping me, and leave Camelot without a hint of trouble.

They'll be safe. They'll be fine. I'm leaving to protect them. They're in danger with me here.

They'll all be safe now.

No more of my friends will die because of me.

* I do not, nor will I ever, own BBC's Merlin and it's tear-inducing story.

So yeah, this sucks, sorry. I promise the other story, the one this is a prologue to, is a lot better. I was thinking of combining the two but I'm not sure since this thing sucks so bad.

The other story involves mostly Merlin and Mordred, not as a pairing.