I Knew, I Knew I'd Lose You
There's no need to argue anymore
I gave all I could, but it left me so sore
and the thing that makes me mad
Is the one thing that I had
I knew, I knew I'd lose you
You'll always be special to me
Special to me, to me…
Dolores O'Riordan – The Cranberries
****
They always want my help but they don't want me because I'm a Luthor. Lena thought as she arrived back to her office from the DEO after helping to 'save' the world again. She scoffs as she walks to her bar and pours a drink. She shakes her head in disbelief wondering why she helps them time and time again even if it's from her own family.
She holds back tears thinking of her mother, she misses her so much. Wondering how different she would be today had her mother lived and she'd grown up with her instead of the Luthors. Money and prestige never mattered to her, and watching Lex and Lillian become the evil incarnates that they are made her want nothing more than to help people, to do good instead of being powerful and villainous as the rest of the Luthors are and have always been.
But her mother died, and she was taken away to live with the worst people on the planet. "She left me with them, she left me alone. Everyone leaves me." Lena whispers into her glass before downing the scotch.
Rubbing her temple, she takes a deep breath, opens her eyes and lets out a long scream to try and rid herself of the hurtful memories. She then throws her glass across the room smashing it against the wall. Lena sobs for the loss of the few people she loved who left her, who didn't want her.
Supergirl rushes in through the balcony doors past Lena, stopping to look around for danger.
"What the hell are you doing here Ka… Supergirl?" Lena asks with a snarl.
"I…I heard you scream I came to help. I thought you were in danger."
"Well as you can see, I am not in danger so you can leave."
"Lena,"
"Leave, Supergirl."
Cringing from being called Supergirl, Kara takes a deep breath to calm her nerves. "Please don't do this… I know I hurt you every day by not telling you I'm Supergirl. I wanted to tell you so much and I almost did on the plane back from Kaznia but you were hurting because of Eve and I didn't want to add to that. I'm not trying to make excuses, but please believe me when I say I am so, so sorry."
"It's hard to believe anything you say to me anymore Kara Zor-El." Lena said, disdain in her voice as she called Kara by her proper name. "Leave now because I don't want you here."
"Please Lena, how can I make this up to you? What can I do to show you how much you mean to me?"
Lena ignored Kara's question and walked over to her desk and sat down. A serene look fell upon her face but then it turned to sadness when she looked up at the woman in blue.
"Y'know I knew I would lose you. In the beginning I was hesitant to let you in, for you to be my friend. I didn't trust anyone, how could I? No one wanted me for me; they only wanted money, intellect, or technology whatever one gets when they are close to a Luthor."
"Lena, that's not…"
"Don't; don't say you were different because you weren't. I understand why you wouldn't have told me in the beginning, I do. Like I said I didn't trust you either. But then I let you in and you were the best friend, I had never been so happy before. You were so special to me and for the first time I felt included, that I actually belonged and felt cared for, loved even."
"You were Lena…"
"No, I wasn't. I had a best friend who I didn't know at all. I had someone who I trusted with everything that I have but they were lying to me. You were lying to me. Everything was a lie, you were a fake friend and I would know because I've had plenty of those."
"And…and even though I was happy for the first time in a long time I had this feeling that it wouldn't last but I tried not to think about that because I thought I had the person I could share my life with. I thought I had the one person I could be myself around and not worry that she would betray me, use me, think less of me or hurt me but as always I put my heart before my head and I was a complete fool."
"No Lena you're not a fool, you were never a fool. And I am your friend, you're my best friend. I miss you and I am so sorry that I hurt you. I was wrong not to tell you after everything we've been through. I knew I could trust you but I just … I don't know why I couldn't say the words. The longer I stayed quiet the harder it was to tell you."
Lena stands up and walks towards the balcony doors, her arms across her chest. "We're not getting past this Kara, there's nothing left to talk about, whatever this was," Lena said as she gestured between them, "is over."
"Please don't say that Lena, I care so much about you and I want you in my life. We all do, please believe that. We were never using you, we all care about you."
Lena laughs, "No one truly cares about a Luthor, Kara."
"I care about you Lena. I don't care who raised you or what your last name is all I care about is you. I always have. I wasn't lying to you when I was Kara Danvers. We were best friends. We shared so much right here in this office. I won't forget those times, they were some of the best times for me, I cherish those memories."
Lena tried not to but she smiled a little as she remembered, "We did have some fun, didn't we? I see now how it's possible for you to eat so much and stay so fit. And flying here on a bus, I just thought you were eccentric, cute and funny." The smile fell from her lips, "But you were just covering up lie after lie. I almost wish you had let me go in that plane to crash…"
"No! Never Lena, I will always save you, you will always come first."
"That's not true! I will never come first in your life Kara and you won't be first in mine, never again. I gave you the best part of myself. I thought that I was a better person because of you but I was never good enough, not for your friends or your family and not for you. There's nothing left, you took it and crushed it with your lies and secrets. That Lena you knew is gone and never coming back. Now please do us both a favour and leave me alone."
"I'm not giving up on you and especially us. You are my friend and I love you and I will never give up on you."
Lena looks her in the eyes, "Well I've given up on you." She then turns and walks out the office door leaving Kara behind in tears.