In this chapter, Lucifer gets into a conversation with Ella about the differences between a big dick and a small dick. None of it is about anatomy.

Episode Six – Yellow fever

Ella went home with him that Tuesday evening, so the sun was still up which was nice. It meant he had the whole night to relax and get whatever negative emotions the episode might leave him with out the good old fashioned ways. Drink, drugs, sex.

It was just a shame they couldn't do it like this every night. Things would be a whole lot easier if they did, that was for sure.

As it was, Ella was almost vibrating in place with a huge smile on her face.

"Yellow Fever, Lucifer, tonight is Yellow Fever. I love this episode. It's another fun one!"

He blinked at that. "So, fun as in trickster, curse or genre bending fun?"

"Oh, you'll find that out within the first few minutes of watching, but I'll spoil you anyway. Curse, totally curse."

Lucifer couldn't help but smile at that. Somehow this show made curses out to be entertaining, even when they are horrible and bad things happen. So, he decided this will probably be another good night. "Ooh, sounds like fun. This show always seems to make things fun with curses."

"Yep! Cursey fun! Even when the end result usually is very unpleasant or leads to death. It still manages to be fun because they find the humour in it. This has some of the most hilarious moments of the show in it."

Lucifer grinned at the television and grabbed up the remote. "Ooh, definitely looking forward to this one then. Alright, Yellow Fever, here we watch."

He pushed play.

He paused it before even the titles appeared because of his little laughing fit.

After he managed to catch his breath, he shook his head. "I mean, I shouldn't find that hilarious, because it would make sense that Dean would have a phobia of dogs because of the Hellhounds, but really? That little Yorkie is so cute!"

"It just wants some head pats and loving from a human. Of course it would pick the one running away from it. What a fun game, right?

"Hah, exactly! Now I wonder if I should get one of my dogs..."

Ella blinked at him. "Uh, a Hellhound?"

He grinned at her. "Hey, don't worry, they'd only attack if I told them too. They are well trained."

Ella looked at him weirdly then, before shaking her head. "I don't know. I don't think vets would know how to look after a hellhound..."

He frowned. "Like any other dog, I would think. Just slightly bigger. I mean, they are hounds. Not much different to your Earth kinds, really."

Ella blinked, and stared at the Yorkie on the paused screen. "Huh, well, that's up to you then."

He grinned, nodded and pushed play. This episode was already proving to be a lot of fun.

He got a bit of a chuckle over Dean being given the heart, and another when Sam got sprayed with blood. Sure, it may not be their first body, but it was their first sit in autopsy.

He didn't pause at all the reptiles and arachnids that flashed onto the screen at the neighbours house, but he did grin at them. What could he say, he liked snakes. They were just as cute to him as the Yorkie had been.

Maye he could get a pet snake...

He laughed when the EMP went off in Dean's presence, worrying him that he was haunted. He had spotted that Dean was already jumpy and was scratching up his wrists, but it wasn't until then he realised it was definitely the same thing and supernatural in nature.

He paused it and frowned. "Wait...is that even possible? Can people be haunted? Woudn't that just be normal possession? And Dean isn't possessed, because unless you count the jumpiness, he's acting pretty much like Dean."

Ella turned to him and frowned. "Huh, you know, I don't even have a clue myself. I don't know if it's possible for a ghost to possess someone and not have them act like themselves still. Maybe sometime in season 14, but I can't remember if it happens otherwise."

He grinned at her. "Ooh, not caught up?"

She grinned. "I usually wait for DVD's to come out now, though I do tend to spoil myself. But don't worry, no more spoilers for you unless you ask and that is way in the future."

He nodded. "Well, that's true. Okay."

He had to stop to laugh uproariously at Sam basically telling Dean he was sick with Ghost Sickness because he was a dick and only dicks caught it. He pointed at the screen, at normal, unsick Sam and laughed again..

"You see, this is why I don't like Dean and I like Sam. Dean is a dick. Sam isn't. Proof, right here, that that is true. Sam got hit in the face with direct contact with the bloody spray from the body directly and didn't catch it. Dean held onto a heart with minimal bloody reside and immediately got sick. Dean is a huge dick. I have problems with huge dicks."

Ella actually hit him on the shoulder for that one. "Shut up, he gets better!"

"Oh yeah, like the school bully got better? Guy was still a dick, regardless. Proof. Right there in front of you. Guy was still a bully, he just hid it way better. I like this Ghost Sickness!"

Ella stared at him for that. "You do know you're a bit of a dick too, right?"

"Well, yes, everyone is a bit of a dick, even you, even Sam. It doesn't target bits of dicks, it targets full on dicks that take being a dick to another level." He turned the show back on for the rest of the conversation, before pausing it again.

"See! Big, full dicks, not the ones that can be dicks. Dean, regardless of what he says, doesn't really care about anyone but himself. Sam cares about everyone and just has really shitty ways of showing it, but he doesn't go out of his way to scare people. He tries to put people at ease. Dean just doesn't care if people are scared. That right there is dick vs huge dick and huge dick gets sick, small dick doesn't."

Ella rolled her eyes and hit him again for good measure. "You're just saying that because Sam is you're favourite."

"No, I'm saying it because canon just said it and I like repeating the good stuff that proves my theories right. Dean is an asshole, Sam is a sweetheart. Canon proof!"

With that, he turned it on again.

He did wince while Dean was having his hallucinations, but rolled his eyes at the writing changing in the book. Of course his hallucinations would be about him acting like a child. He was a big man child from his very shitty childhood.

If anything, the show was showing how abuse could show up in different ways in different people. It made Dean hard and self important, much like himself, but it made Sam kind.

And he just realised that he had things in common with Dean and shuddered to himself. At least he tried to do nice things, even if he did end up coming across as a dick because he refused to lie to people.

He laughed and so did Ella at the scene with the cat in the locker. There was just something about Dean screaming that made him feel so satisfied in his dislike.

He paused the show again after Dean hallucinated demon Sam and blinked.

"Oh no. Is it...is it possible to be crushing on something that hasn't even happened? Why do I want demon Sam? Why does he have to look so cute with yellow eyes. Why, brain, why?" He slumped onto the couch and ran a hand over his face.

"Hah, guess you just like him a little more dickish than normal, and with yellow eyes. I mean, hey, I agree with you. I'd love Sam taking over Hell in the show. I think Sam could do some real good for Hell in the show."

He blinked. "Huh, maybe. I mean, it isn't much of a job and there's a little too much torture for poor Sam to have to do and that would just ruin him but... Nah, leave the torture to Dean and give me non torturing ruler of Hell Sam and I am here for that."

Ella laughed. "Your crush on Sam is showing."

He grimaced. "Why I would want anyone to do the job is beyond me. It's boring and it sucks and occasionally there is actual torture to do, but I mainly leave that to the demons. That's what they're for."

She patted him on the shoulder. "Yeah. Come on, let's just watch the rest of this. You can lament your crush on a fictional character on your lonesome when I'm gone."

He grinned at that. "Hah, yes."

He pushed play again just in time for Bobby to enter it, which made him doubly happy. He loved Bobby. He stated that out loud, even though he is pretty sure his love of Bobby had already been stated.

He paused it again to stare at the screen after all the excitement was over and after the ghost was done with. He pointed at the screen and with as much eloquence as he could possibly muster said what he really wanted to say. "Huh?! What?"

Ella grinned at him. "Oh yeah, those are my thoughts too. It makes no sense, does it."

"None!" He threw his hands in the air. "I mean, sure the show has so much make belief in it, and some very wrong info on the things that aren't but... How do scratches magically heal like that without any intervention at all, just because they killed a ghost?"

''I have no idea, dude. None at all."

He frowned. "Well, that sucks. Let's finish this sucker now."

He pushed play for the end scene. He didn't like that Dean was lying to Sam again. It seemed Sam wasn't allowed to lie to him, but lying back was the best thing since sliced bread. Sometimes he wanted to bash their heads against the other and tell the to stop lying and talk properly to each other, but they were just fictional characters.

He did have a good laugh with Ella at the end credit scene with Dean lip syncing to Eye of the Tiger, that was a great little scene.

And then he turned it off, another episode watched.

"Wow, we'll be doing this for a whole week come tomorrow. Hah, we started this on a Thursday, which seemed fitting. You know, Castiel and all. So, see you tomorrow?"

He grinned. "Sure! I'll go down with you. I feel like having some fun tonight and it is not Monday or Wednesday."

She blinked at him for that comment. "Huh?"

"Slow club nights. I open the kitchens on Wednesdays, but nothing can save a Monday night."

She laughed at that and held out her hand. He took it and was dragged to his feet by a small bundle of excitable human female. "Well, come on then. I'll go down with you to the club, but I am going to go home. I'm not staying tonight."

"Oh, that's fine. Have fun."

"Yep, I will."

He knew he would too.

He hoped the good, fun episodes kept up, but he somehow very much doubted it.

Headcanon - The second reason Lucifer doesn't like Dean is because his behaviours are similar to his own and Lucifer hates himself, soooo...

In another chapter further down the line, Lucifer actually tries to explain the difference between having similarities to a character and relating to a character as he does with Sam and Dean. Ella gives a Star Trek reply to it.