In which Lucifer gets to enjoy torturing and tortured Dean.
Episode Sixteen – On The Head Of A Pin
He looked at the episode title and knew this one was going to go more into the angels. Not that any of them would ever actually even try dancing on the head of a pin, considering how much bigger they were to one. But it was a well known saying involving angels and so he had heard it a million times before. He still didn't get the reasoning behind it and never would, but there it was. Angels apparently danced on pin heads for some unfathomable reason.
Charlotte had come again tonight, even though she had started on her catch up session the night before. Ella was bouncing in supposed excitement, having quickly gotten over her brother's sudden departure back to Detroit and their childhood home town.
Charlotte held out her hand over his before he got to push play and frowned at him. "Before you start, there's something I need you to know. I may have told Dan about doing this with you and Ella and he was upset about not being able to take me home for the afternoons after work because of it. So, um, can he come tomorrow night?"
He frowned right back at her. "You let Dan know? You do know if he comes, he'd find out in short order I actually am the devil and an angel and will undoubtedly freak out. Then you'd have to explain to him how exactly you're my step mum, which is what he thinks you are."
She winced at that. "The truth, I was going to go with the truth. I don't want him to think I am just not interested in going home with him for no reason. It doesn't have to be a regular thing, just every once in a while so he can keep me company."
He pouted at her, putting on as much sad as he possibly could. "Am I not enough? This is because I called you mum the other day, isn't it? I will never live that down. It will haunt me for all eternity."
Charlotte squeezed his hand gently, and he looked down at them, both still on the remote. "I don't mind you calling me mom, Lucifer. I can't even get near my real kids, because your mother made them too afraid of me. I lost visitation rights. I have lost my real kids. So, if I live vicariously through you and whatever this weird pseudo familial relationship it is, so be it."
He blinked at her, surprised that she actually said that out loud. "Okay. I think. He can come. But, he has to be made aware of who and what I am before we watch anything. Deal?"
She lifted her hand off the remote and smacked him with it, gently and not to hurt. "Silly boy. Don't make deals with your step mother. Now put on the episode."
He pushed play and watched the intro. He paused it for a few seconds so he could stare at the angel wings burnt into the ground around the dead body of one of his fictional sisters. "Okay, I can with full confidence say that doesn't happen, though it is a very nice effect."
Ella on his left side relaxed against him, as if she had been holding her breath. "Whew, I thought you'd freak when angels started dying. Glad to see you're not."
He shrugged. "I know I will probably relate to those who actually do exist, or did in Uriel's case, but most of these angels either are nameless, like this sister of mine, or non existent."
Ella nodded and Charlotte let out a little "Huh."
He grinned and pushed play only to find out that the boys had just come from the funeral for Pamela. It had only been the night before and yet he had already forgotten about her death. He frowned at Dean saying he's fed up of losing friends.
He paused it at that, actually. He frowned. "Hadn't the Winchesters only met her 3 times? A friendship that does not make. If anything, they were acquaintances. Bobby was her friend."
Ella shrugged against him as best she could, before patting his shoulder. "I have no idea. The only thing I got out of Pamela was she was the hot psychic."
He nodded. "Yep, hot psychic is now dead. Time to move on to the next unbelievably short lived bit character we're supposed to care about but actually don't because they're in it so little."
Ella snorted out her amusement at that.
Charlotte rolled her eyes at them when he looked towards her. He grinned and pushed play again.
It didn't take him long to stop the episode yet again with the sudden reversal of dynamics between Uriel and Castiel. "Whoa, okay, something happened here. I am sure I'll hear about it soon enough but, ouch! Why did Uriel suddenly take over from Castiel? Cassie was doing good work!"
Ella patted his shoulder and sat back upright in her chair. "Remember that whole conversation about angels and emotions?"
He winced. "Oh, shit. Seriously? He got demoted to second in command of his garrison because he cared too much for his charges? That's what a Guardian is supposed to do!"
Ella nodded at him, while Charlotte patted his other shoulder. "Calm down, Lucifer. Push play and you'll see what happens."
He did as he was told and almost stopped it again when Dean was whisked away by angels to torture Alastair. He grinned triumphantly at the screen when Dean inevitably gave in. He could see out of the corner of his eye the glare Ella was levelling at him. He paused the show again to point at the table.
"Dean, I don't like what walked into the room. What comes out is going to be no different from what went in. It's not like this is his first time torturing someone or something. Hell, he's actually admitted out loud he enjoys it. Suck it up, Deanie and embrace your future as the one who enjoys torture. Because it's true."
Ella punched his shoulder, as she always does when he insults her favourite. Charlotte looked on in amusement.
"He seems to think he'll change for the worse if he goes in there with the intent to torture. How would he be different if he already has tortured, and was in fact this master torturers prized pupil?" Charlotte asked.
Lucifer grinned wickedly at Ella. "Yes, Ella, Charlotte brings up a good point. How would it make him any different."
She screeched out in anger and smacked them both on the tops of their heads. "Because he was dead then and now he's alive."
He shrugged. "Makes no difference. Also, he tortured before he even died. It just wasn't humans which, by the way, Alastair is not one. So, again, how does it make a difference?"
She sighed and flopped down onto the sofa, putting her legs up on his lap and trying but failing to grind her heel into his crotch. "Shut up. I hate when your irrational hate of Dean actually makes sense."
He smiled winningly at her. "Of course it makes sense. My hate is well won."
With that said, he pushed play again to watch Dean torture the chief torturer. He was going to enjoy this.
He didn't pause it through the first part of the torture session, which was mainly Alastair psyching Dean out. Or the look of joy on Dean's face when he actually did start the torture. No, he paused it when Sam started sucking up Ruby's blood like it was a drug he was desperate for. And then that thought hit him like a bolt of ugly celestial lightning. He paused and buried his head in his hands.
"Sam. You silly, stupid human. No wonder you need it. You're hooked. Why does this show do this to me?! Does he ever get off the blood? Does it affect him the same way human drugs would?"
Ella sighed. "It acts like a drug to him and amps up his power, so yeah. He gets a buzz in more ways than one, and it is to him extremely addictive."
He pouted at the screen. "This...this is torture. This show was made here, on Earth, purely to torture me."
Ella and Charlotte both started giggling at him for saying that, and he couldn't stop the grin spreading across his own face. At least it was fun torture. Kind of like BDSM, but without the kink or sex.
He pushed play again, hoping to never see Sam snacking on Ruby's blood ever again.
He paused it again when Anna arrived, actually surprised by her showing up. "Huh, will you look at that. Imaginary sister is back. But is she the one looking to free Alastair or is she there to help Castiel?"
Charlotte was the one to smack him on the arm this time. "Did you have to pause it to say that?!"
He grinned. "Of course, otherwise I'd speak over their conversation and I don't want to miss anything now, do I? As it is, I am enjoying Dean being a little shit and enjoying it, while being psychologically flayed alive by Alastair."
Ella rolled her eyes at him. "You would like Alastair."
He smiled. "I like how he tortured Dean without even having to lay a finger on him. That is something I could only wish for. And dream of if that ever happened. Ooh, wish me happy Dean torturing dreams tonight?"
Ella punched him, harder this time. "No!"
He chuckled and pushed play again.
He laughed at Alastair's "Got something stuck in my throat. I think it's my throat" line. Because that was funny and yeah, okay, he was enjoying how much fun Alastair as a character was having being tortured and how much fun the actor looked like he was having playing the role. Or maybe he was just imagining that. But either way, it was really fun.
And then he almost immediately paused it when he said the prophecy about the Righteous Man drawing blood in Hell. This time with both amusement but mostly confusion. "So, Dean was the one to break the first seal! So, we have the apocalypse to blame on him. Great! I wonder how long until he starts blaming Sam for it all. Because he will, as Dean Winchester can do no wrong and all wrong must be transferred to his whipping boy... I mean little brother, who always does the wrong thing."
Ella actually didn't hit him for that. instead she just let out a long sigh and shook her head. "Just, watch the show Lucifer."
He shrugged and went to click it on, before stopping when a sudden thought hit him. "Also, how the hell was either John or Dean to be considered righteous. Unless righteous equates to higher than thou asshole, then yes, they both are."
Charlotte snorted in laughter at his side. Ella refused to show a reaction to that one.
He smiled victoriously when he found out Sam was now strong enough to kill demons and not just send them back to Hell. Between Dean and Castiel, the vessel for Alastair was already well and truly dead anyway, so no harm done there to a human soul. He did wish it didn't involve drinking blood to get to that point, though.
He stopped it after Castiel and Uriel's little talk in the park, horrified by what had just happened. "Oh, oh shit. It's Uriel. Why?! I mean, sure my brother was a little shit and would kill to get his way but...he wouldn't outright lie about it. He'd be upfront."
Ella frowned. "Wait, I thought there was a no killing humans rule for you guys."
"Direct killing, yes. Uriel could kill by changing the patterns of people the tiniest bit so they'd die in accidents he conceived happening at specific points which wouldn't happen if routine was strayed from."
Ella nodded. "Oh, yeah, you said patterns were his thing and he got to Chloe and almost killed her. Twice."
He sighed. "Yeah."
He pushed play again, just to escape the sudden awkward and emotional talk that was happening. He wanted to see if Uriel was killed by Castiel. Cassie wasn't an idiot, he just wasn't too good with humans.
He paused it once again when Castiel basically proved that Uriel did it. He had been tempted to do so during the talk he had with Anna, but...he couldn't do it. Not then. He suddenly felt like crying and he didn't know if it was out of sadness or if it was from joy.
"This may sound really, really stupid, but I'm so damn proud of fictional Cassie right now. Look at him, figuring out what Free Will is all about on his own, because he suddenly realised that no one else can tell him what to do with it. It's up to him to choose what he does. And he chose to fight Uriel to stop him, to save his brothers and sisters. He's so earnest about it too. He's my favourite fictional sibling."
Ella laughed. " I like how you have to put fictional in front of everything to do with angels just to keep things straight in your head."
He groaned and buried his head in his hands again, before running his fingers through his hair. "I know I am probably going to end up projecting all over the place with this show. I've already started, haven't I?"
Charlotte rubbed the arm she was near and the movement helped soothe him. Ella patted the arm she was near.
"It's okay that you feel that way."
"Yeah," Ella replied. "We won't let you forget it either."
He smiled and didn't cry at having friends who cared about him and his not mother there to soothe his confusion and hurt feelings.
He pushed play, knowing that Uriel was likely to end up dead very soon. Even though fictional Uriel was a bigger dick than his real life counterpart, he still dreaded it.
He stopped it again after Uriel's death to frown at the screen, because that was not at all as traumatic an experience he thought it would be. It also answered some unstated questions he had. "So, Uriel was working to raise fictional me from Hell. Why was he doing that? He hated humanity that much? I don't understand the angels of this universe."
Ella winced. "Oh, you are going to hate fictional you so much. Because your hatred of the humans is so strong you want to wipe humanity off the map and leave the word open for other life. God isn't too impressed as you may guess."
He chuckled at that. "Yeah, I bet. It's just weird that people think I hate humanity. See, this is what happens when the winners write the books for history. Your name gets tagged as a great evil even if you did nothing wrong. Not to say a lot of people who got tagged as evil weren't all evil, a lot of them were, but wow. It's not a universal constant."
Charlotte sighed at that. "Words, especially written words have power. I know that through work alone. I helped the evil men run free for a long time. No more of that."
He flung an arm around Charlotte and hugged her to his side. "You know better now and you're trying to be a better person. You'll get there. Hopefully before you die again."
She rolled her eyes at him. "Yes, and boy am I looking forward to that fine event."
He frowned. "I'm not. I'd miss you."
Ella laid against his side. "Now hurry up an click play. We're on the last scene."
The episode ended with a crying Dean and he rolled his eyes. "It's a prophecy, you idiot! There is no one else. He's already given up before fictional me is even set free. Uuuuugh."
"Shut up! It's sad. Humans don't always feel strong even when it's small things. He just got the news the world's fate falls on his hands."
He rolled his eyes at her.
Sighing, Ella jumped to her feet. "Well, you'll never even get there if you can't stand fictional you in just talk."
He grimaced. "Yeah that one is very true."
Charlotte rubbed at his arm again, before getting up. He clapped his hands. "So! Friday night and my set starts at 9. Anyone up for staying and partying, or are you going to watch earlier seasons together?"
Charlotte laughed. "I have plans with Dan, actually. Maybe tomorrow night."
"And I am up for the party!" Ella stated, before skipping to the lift. "Meet you at the bar, Lucifer!"
He relaxed and grinned. His fictional family on the show may be falling apart, but he was forming a new mortal one right now with friends and his not mum.
He felt good about the future.
Headcanon - Alastair was a total masochist and enjoyed the torture session.
Headcanon - I don't think Alastair actually was the one in charge of torturing John. I think he said that just to get to Dean and make him feel weak.
Headcanon - Think I may have already said this, but I will say it again here because it fits. I think Lucifer will forever look at Charlotte and see a nicer, more maternal version of his mum.