Author's note: Hey guys, what's up? It's time for a new fic. And what I have today is inspired by RexHeller's fanfic Cards Against Remnant, which has Teams RWBY and JNPR from RWBY playing Cards Against Humanity. My original plan for this fic was to get a bunch of random characters who'd make jokes worse than whatever the cards come up with, but I couldn't think of a cast good enough for it, so I decided to simplify it by having The Avengers play it. Specifically, it's the original six from the film (Tony, Bruce, Thor, Steve, Natasha, and Clint). All the cards have been picked at random, so it should more reflective of a real game where some rounds suck. Before we go any further, if you're not familiar with Cards Against Humanity, this game is practically purpose designed to offend people, so if anything offends you, just leave now. Also, I have no idea how long this fic will be, since I've decided they'll be playing until one of them gets ten points, which means anywhere between two and ten rounds. Well, guess we better get into this then, shall we?
In a meeting room in the New Avengers Facility, five Avengers sit around a meeting table. "Where the hell is Tony?" asked Clint, growing more impatient with the missing member.
"Language!" said Steve, snapping at Clint across the table.
"Hell is not a swear word, it's in the Bible," said Clint.
"Calm down guys, I'm sure Tony has a perfectly good reason for calling us together," said Natasha.
"I wouldn't be so sure," said Bruce. "I mean, this is Tony we're talking about. If he feels like doing something, it'll happen. And he has the money to ensure it happens."
"Look, he's probably just been held up doing something," said Natasha. "Surely he wouldn't use his high-tech facility for something trivial."
"Does anyone else hear loud rock music approaching?" asked Thor, as the other fell quiet. Sure enough, the unmistakable sound of AC/DC's 'Thunderstruck' could be heard, as Iron Man flew past the window. Iron Man soared up, and timed his descent so that he hit the ground just as the singer yelled "THUNDERSTRUCK!" The song continued as the armour started removing itself from its owner, revealing one of the richest men in the world.
"Nailed it!" cheered Tony as he entered the room. "I have been practicing that approach for a week now, trying to get the timing right, and that was perfect."
"You didn't summon us here for something that trivial, did you?" groaned Natasha.
"I told you he would," muttered Bruce just loud enough so that she could hear him.
"No, of course not," said Tony, making Bruce look up as though expecting something important. "I summoned you here for something far more trivial."
"Of fucking course," said Bruce, putting his head in his hand. "Tony, you can't just call us here for no good reason."
"And yet, you all came anyway, so apparently I can," said Tony, taking his seat.
"This oughta be good," said Clint, leaning back in his chair. "So, what did you call us here for?"
"Mostly for my amusement," said Tony, tapping at a screen in front of him.
"Well in that case, I think I'll be go…" started Natasha.
"Oh no you don't Widow," said Tony. "JARVIS, lock the doors."
"As you wish sir," said the computerised voice of JARVIS. "Though I will ask you to reconsider, as my data shows that everyone else in that room is quite capable of causing severe injury to you without assistance from the others."
"Noted and ignored," said Tony. "Now, show them what I have planned."
"As you wish sir," said JARVIS, as the screens in front of the other five people in the room lit up.
"Tony, what is this about?" asked Steve. "And did it really need to be done in a high-tech facility like this?"
"It didn't have to be here, no. We just had all this stuff here not being used, so I figured 'eh, what the hell?'" said Tony. "As for your other question, we're gonna play a little game."
"A game?" asked Clint. "I live in fucking Missouri. I came all this way to play a fucking game?"
"I am the ruler of Asgard," said Thor. "And you call me here for a game?"
"That's basically what I said," muttered Clint.
"Guys, I promise you, this will be fun," said Tony. "Especially since I can guarantee it'll probably make Steve very uncomfortable."
"Okay, now I'm starting to see the appeal," said Natasha. "What's the game?"
"A little game called Cards Against Humanity," said Tony. As he said it, Tony looked at each face in turn to check their reactions. Natasha and Clint looked at each other and nodded, smirking at each other knowingly; Bruce looked as though he'd heard of it but didn't know anything about it; Thor just looked confused; and Steve looked concerned. "Yeah, that's pretty much the reactions I was expecting from each of you."
"Okay, what is the game about before I agree to it?" asked Steve.
"Well, first of all, by sitting in this room, you've already agreed to play," said Tony.
"I don't think…" started Steve, but Tony ignored him.
"And second, it's about making people laugh," said Tony.
"Oh…" said Steve. "Well that doesn't sound so…"
"By using some of the most offensive words known to man," said Tony.
"Pfft, we have far more offensive words on Asgard," bragged Thor.
Steve just looked at Tony and sighed. "I don't agree to this," he said. "But I'm guessing we won't have a choice in the matter, will we?"
"Now you're getting it," said Tony. "JARVIS, deal our hands." As Tony said this, squares of light began appearing on their screens, each with a little bit of text. "I've uploaded the entire list of every card in existence into a database, and they'll all be randomly assigned to us as the game goes on."
"And how many cards is that exactly?" asked Bruce.
"About twenty six thousand-ish," said Tony. "Which is why we're using the screens. Less strain on the table. Now, for those you who don't know the game, what happens is someone asks a question, and you fill in the blank with one of those cards in front of you. The answer that the question asker finds funniest wins. We'll be going first to ten points. Any questions?"
"Yeah," said Steve, looking at his cards. "I was led to believe I'd be offended by this, but none of these are particularly bad."
"We'll get there, don't worry buddy," said Tony. "Alright, if there are no objections, I'll be the game's first Card Czar. JARVIS, if you will." A black card appeared on Tony's screen, and he immediately starting laughing to himself. "Steve, you're going to regret your comment now. The first question is: There's more concrete proof that_ exists than the Holocaust."
"Okay, now I see the problem here," said Steve, looking through his cards for a good answer.
About a minute later, all the answers were in. "Alright, let's see what you've got for me," said Tony. "There's more concrete proof that embryo popsicles exists than the Holocaust."
"Jesus Christ," said Steve, looking slightly horrified, bringing a smile to Tony's face.
"…that flying sex snakes exists than the Holocaust," continued Tony. "I could probably find a way to make those, you know."
"Please don't," said Bruce. "I've seen what fucking around with science can do."
"Doesn't mean I'm not gonna do it," said Tony. "Anyway… that gender-neutral bathrooms exists than the Holocaust, … that Karl Rove's seventh chin exists than the Holocaust, and finally, … that tequila flavoured man juice exists than the Holocaust."
"What the hell were the people who made this on?" asked Steve.
"Probably drugs," said Tony, matter-of-factly. "Anyway, I think I'll go with…embryo popsicles."
"HAHA, take that mortals," said Thor, surprising everyone with his sudden loud outburst.
"Congratulations Point Break, you win the first point," said Tony, awarding it to the thunder god. "Okay, I believe we go clockwise from this point, so Bruce, you're up."
"God damn it," said Bruce, looking at the black card to appear on his screen. "You see, son, baseball is like _. Don't overthink it."
"Holy crap," said Steve. "I just saw the card that replaced the one I played, and…what the hell Tony?"
"I can't wait until you're forced to play whatever it is," said Tony, selecting his card.
Soon, Bruce had five white cards on his screen. "I dread reading what I'm about to read," he said, before taking a deep breath. "But here goes." He looked up at the screen and began reading. "You see, son, baseball is like cleaning your boots with boiled hotdog water. Don't overthink it."
"Why would you do that?" asked Steve. "I'm sure there's better ways of cleaning your boots."
"On the plus side, they'll smell delicious," said Thor.
"That is NOT the point here," said Steve.
"Anyway," said Bruce. "The next one is 'You see, son, baseball is like NASA-level baby monitoring technology. Don't overthink it.'"
"You're right, I don't want to overthink that," said Natasha.
"You see, son, baseball is like a sausage festival. Don't overthink it," continued Bruce. "I guess it is a male dominated sport."
"Doesn't it mean…" started Steve, as his face lit up. "Oh, that's what you're talking about."
"Yeah, that," said Bruce, before continuing to read out the cards. "You see, son, baseball is like a soggy bowl of corn flakes. Don't overthink it."
"You know, this game hasn't been half as offensive as I thought it'd be," said Tony.
"You see, son, baseball is like using tears as lubricant. Don't overthink it," said Bruce.
"Ah, there it is," said Tony.
"Why would you use tears when you can use WD40?" asked Steve.
"Ah, Steve?" said Natasha, before whispering in his ear about what the tears would be lubricating.
"…oh…" was all Steve could manage.
"Anyway, because I'd rather not think about it, tears as lubricant wins," said Bruce.
"Thank you," said Tony, happily accepting his point. "Goldilocks, you're up."
"Okay, my one is…" started Thor, before stopping and reading. "Well this is bullshit."
"Okay, now you have to read it out," said Tony.
"Fuck you Stark," said Thor, before sighing and reading the question. "_. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night." Tony burst out laughing at this, earning himself a glare from Thor.
"Sorry, but that couldn't have come up at a better time," said Tony.
"I hate you," grumbled Thor, sitting back in his chair.
Steve began looking through his cards, when he suddenly saw what his new one was. "Oh sweet Jesus," he said, before looking up at the sky. "Lord forgive me for what I'm about to do." Tony smirked at him as he pressed the button on his screen. "Shut up Tony."
"Haven't even said anything buddy," grinned Tony as he selected a card.
Soon, all five cards were in, much to Thor's disapproval. "Let's just get this over with," he said, reading the first card. "Growing up and becoming a Republican. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night."
"Hey, come on, there is nothing wrong with that," said Tony. "Okay, granted, Trump is an asshole, which I can say from personal experience, but otherwise it's fine."
"You just like tax cuts, don't you Tony?" asked Clint.
"That is…only part true," said Tony.
"If I may continue," said Thor in a voice that didn't leave any room for arguing. "An itchy nipple. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night." Thor paused before reading the next one. "You've got to be fucking kidding."
"Read it," said Tony, who seemed to be getting some kind of sick pleasure out of this.
Thor sighed in resignation. "I could destroy this building and everyone in it, but then I probably wouldn't be worthy anymore," he said under his breath, before reading the next answer. "Masturbating Yoda's leathery turtle-penis. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night." At this, Tony burst out laughing again. Thor glared at him, before holding his hand out. The sounds of windows smashing was heard, and then Mjolnir appeared behind Tony. However, just as the hammer was passing the billionaire, Thor lowered his hand, causing the hammer to drop too, knocking him over.
"Worth it," said Tony, still face down in the table. "Guessing that was Steve's card."
"Screw you Stark," said Steve from across the table.
"Anyway…" said Thor, clearly wanting to get this over with. "The nightmare of 2 under 2. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night."
"Take it from the only father in the room, you will not sleep when you have that," said Clint.
"And finally," said Thor, relieved there was only one left. "Your asshole inner voice. The reason I cry myself to sleep at night." Thor thought about this for a moment before replying. "I think I'm going to give this one to the itchy nipple."
"I'll take that," said Natasha, accepting the point.
"Come on, you found THAT the funniest?" asked Tony.
"No," said Thor. "But I knew it wouldn't be YOUR card."
"Good call," said Tony. "Okay Cap, you're up."
"I fear whatever is about to happen," said Steve, looking at his screen, before sighing with relief. "The solution to our economic troubles? Thank God, how can this go badly?"
"Challenge accepted," said Tony, selecting his card.
"Oh Christ," said Steve. "That was the wrong thing to say, wasn't it?"
"Absolutely," said Natasha, selecting her answer.
"If you hadn't said anything, we wouldn't be doing this," said Clint, his answer selected too.
"Sorry Steve," said Bruce, also submitting his answer.
"I have no idea who this is, so I'm playing it," said Thor, playing his card.
"Okay, let's see what I'm in for," said Steve. "Beef curtains are the answer to our economic problems. I didn't even know what that means."
"It's a vulgar way of saying vulva," said Natasha, clearly not amused by the answer.
"What's vulgar about a type of car?" asked Steve.
"No Steve," said Natasha, before whispering an explanation in his ear.
"Oh…" said Steve, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Moving on. Crazy wild party girls could solve the economy apparently."
"Possibly using their beef curtains," suggested Tony, earning him a glare from Natasha.
"The Life of Robert Johnson: The Illustrated Children's Book could save the economy," continued Steve.
"Didn't he sell his soul to the devil?" asked Bruce.
"Sounds like something Johnny Blaze might know," said Clint.
"We'll ask him later," said Steve. "For now, we should wonder if the magical gold-weaving spider that creates Donald Trump's hair every night can save the economy."
"Obviously not, otherwise the economy wouldn't need saving in the first place," said Tony.
"Perhaps if we caught it and forced it to creates more gold for us that would help?" asked Thor.
"Wouldn't that just devalue the price of gold?" asked Clint.
"Yes, but you'd have a lot of it," said Thor.
"Remind me never to hire you as a financial adviser," said Steve. "Now, the last suggestion for saving the economy is pimping on the side, to save for college. I guess that makes sense."
"Again, beef curtains are helping the economy," said Tony.
"Okay, beef curtains doesn't win, since I'm pretty sure that's Tony's card," said Steve. Tony stuck out his tongue at Steve, who ignored him. "You know what, I don't agree with it, but pimping on the side for college sounds like a good way to help the economy. I'll give it to that one."
"Thank you," said Bruce, receiving his point.
"You know you're looking for the funniest answer, not the most logical, right?" asked Tony.
"Eh, close enough," said Steve.
"Okay Widow, you're up," said Tony, a black card appearing on her screen.
"Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking _ with me," said Natasha.
"Okay, and what's your black card say?" asked Tony. "Oh, wait, you're not American."
"And I'm not thirty five," said Natasha.
"I suppose there's that too," said Tony. Natasha glared at him again.
Soon, all five answers were in front of her. "Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking Beyoncé's Superbowl performance with me. I think I'd rather just take Beyoncé, but why not?"
"At least you'll have the single lady vote," said Clint.
"I suppose so," said Natasha, reading the next card. "Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking a cute, little old Asian lady trying to fight a lobster with me. Maybe we can bring her into the Avengers?"
"I don't know if Shang-Chi's grandmother will be interested in joining us," said Bruce.
"Probably not," said Natasha before continuing. "Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking a distinct lack of morals with me. Isn't that a prerequisite?"
"If so, then how the hell did Obama get in?" asked Tony. "Or was it just a race thing?"
"It was a race thing," said Natasha, looking at the next card. "Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking the perceived intellectual superiority of a Wellingtonian with me. I guess Jacinda Ardern is pretty smart, she'd probably make a good running partner."
"Except…she's from Hamilton," said Clint. "Sorry, you'll have to pick someone else."
"I'm sure I can have some paperwork forged for her," said Natasha, looking at the final card on the screen. "Darn right I'm running for President and I'm taking watermelon with me. Why is fruit my running partner?"
"Perhaps people will see this as you wishing to feed the masses?" suggested Thor.
"Perhaps," said Natasha, considering the possibilities. "I'm still taking Jacinda Ardern as my partner."
"Thank you," said Clint, taking his point.
"Again, we're looking for funny answers, not what you'd actually do," said Tony.
"You seem to think we care," said Clint, as the black card he had to ask appeared onscreen. Before he had a chance to ask it, Steve glared angrily at his new white card.
"Okay, seriously, fuck my new card," said Steve.
"Ooh, language captain," said Tony mockingly.
"I hate you," said Steve.
"I look forward to whatever it is," said Clint. "For now though, your question is: Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide _ and _ for this affair? You have to pick two for this one."
"Fun," said Tony, looking at his screen. "Let's see what we've got here."
The five answering Avengers took their time, but eventually put their answers in. "Lord forgive me for what I answered with," said Steve, looking up at the sky.
"I can't wait," said Tony, waiting in anticipation.
"Not gonna lie, I can't wait either," said Clint. "Sorry Steve."
"Traitor," Steve mumbled under his breath.
"Okay, our first answer is…" started Clint, looking over what the others had said. "Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide the American way and having a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you for this affair?"
"I guess Liam Neeson is pretty American," said Steve. "We should recruit him to the Avengers."
"No, we're not recruiting actors for the team," said Tony. "I've had enough of actors being in places they shouldn't be after the whole Mandarin thing."
"Yeah, if we're going to recruit an actor, it should be Keanu Reeves. All we need to give him is a pencil," said Clint, earning him a look from Tony. "Anyway, the next answer is… Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide a fudge packer and a courtesy lick for this affair?"
"I don't get it," said Steve. "Why would you want someone who puts fudge in its packaging to lick your food before you…"
"That's not even close to what it is," said Clint. "Nat, would you mind giving Steve another lesson in…you know."
"Alright Steve, give me your ear," said Natasha, as Steve leaned over. About five seconds later, Steve went from a curious look to slightly horrified.
"Okay, what the fuck?" asked Steve.
"Wow Captain, you kiss your mother with that mouth?" taunted Tony, which Steve didn't take too kindly to.
"Alright, next answer," said Clint. "Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide a huge rabbi with the world's biggest cock and that thing in Ted Cruz's mouth for this affair?"
"I'm assuming the thing in Ted Cruz's mouth is the giant rabbi's cock?" asked Bruce.
"Huh, and I thought he was homophobic," said Clint. "Okay, next up we have: Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide my junk and twisting my cock and balls into a balloon poodle for this affair?"
"Calling it now, that's what Steve asked God for forgiveness about," said Tony.
"Quite likely," said Clint. "And now, for the final answer: Mrs. Robinson, you want me to provide pseudointellectual centrist bullshit and that not-so-fresh feeling for this affair?"
"Honestly, whenever I hear pseudointellectual centrist bullshit, I don't feel so fresh anyway," said Tony. "But that's enough about me, let's wrap this round up. Who wins Clint?"
"I do like the idea of Ted Cruz sucking a rabbi's dick," said Clint. "Because honestly, fuck that guy. I'm giving it to that."
"An excellent choice," said Natasha, accepting her point.
"Alright, round one over," said Tony. "So, Nat's leading with two points, everyone except Steve is in second with one point, which leaves Steve in…"
"Honestly, if this is the sort of game it is, I don't want to win," said Steve.
"Oh well, more points for us," said Thor, preparing for the next round.