"Alright, potentially last round if Thor plays his cards right," said Tony. "Let's see how this goes." The black card appeared on Tony's screen, and he read it out for the group. "What will you still enjoy doing together when you celebrate your fiftieth wedding anniversary? And make them good answers so I know what to do with Pepper when we get there."
"If you can still stand each other by then, then I doubt you'll be getting sick of anything anytime soon," said Clint, picking his card.
Once all the answers were in, Tony began reading them out. "So apparently cock magic is something that'll be enjoyed on your fiftieth wedding anniversary," said Tony.
"I didn't know Doctor Strange was playing today," said Natasha.
"Feeding Jacob Zuma is also something to be enjoyed on your fiftieth wedding anniversary," said Tony.
"I mean, he's African, so maybe he's hungry?" suggested Bruce.
"Jesus Christ Bruce," said Clint. "Have you seen the man? He's not fat, but he definitely doesn't need more food."
"Racist Christmas presents?" asked Tony. "Come on guys, unless you're in the Ku Klux Klan, or Gabriel Iglesias, that's just mean."
"You're the one who chose this game," said Bruce.
"Yeah, I know," sighed Tony, before continuing onto the next answer. "Shooters or sliders, whichever. Now THAT'S something I can get behind."
"I thought you gave up drinking," said Natasha.
"Bold of you to assume I'd give up anything," said Tony. "Last one: Talk like a Pirate Day. Yarr, that be a good one."
"Please never talk like that again," said Thor.
"You're right," said Tony. "Unkempt hair and only one eye, you should be the one talking like that."
"Screw you Stark," said Thor. "Just pick your winner so I can win this game."
"Was your answer shooters or sliders?" asked Tony. "Because that wins."
"Suck it Thor," said Bruce, winning his point.
"Well then, the game continues," said Tony, earning him a glare from Thor. "Bruce, what have you got for us?"
"What is the White House press secretary trying to explain?" asked Bruce. "Okay guys, I want you to go all out with this, because whatever you say is probably true."
"This game really doesn't like Trump," said Steve, picking a card.
"Does anyone though?" asked Tony. "I mean, he IS getting impeached."
"Fair enough," said Steve, waiting for the others to play their cards.
Once all the cards were in, Bruce began reading them out. "The White House press secretary is trying to explain Abraham Lincoln's ghost," said Bruce.
"Lincoln's back to show his disappointment with the way his party's acting these days," said Tony.
"I don't blame him," said Bruce. "Okay, next up the White House press secretary has to explain Bristol Palin."
"Ooh, yeah, that would be something they'd have to explain," said Natasha.
"Poor kid," said Clint. "So desperate for power ever since she cost her mother the VP job."
"Didn't they basically try and force the kids into marriage because of it?" asked Bruce.
"Not according to them," said Tony. "But that's totally what happened."
"Weird family," commented Bruce. "Okay, next up the White House press secretary has to explain a prodigiously hearty breakfast of chowders of all sorts."
"Chowder, or shao-dair?" asked Tony.
"Tony, do you really think anyone's going to get a twenty five year old Simpsons reference?" asked Clint.
"It's when all the best Simpsons references are," said Tony. "And besides, you got it."
"…damn it," said Clint under his breath.
"Now that you're done remembering TV," said Bruce. "Our next thing the press secretary has to answer for is…" Bruce paused for a minute while he read the card, and suddenly his eyes went wide. "Holy crap, do I really have to read that?"
"The fact that you're asking that question means you do," said Tony.
Bruce sighed. "Okay, strap in guys," he said before he started reading. "A recruiting video starring Caitlyn Jenner queefing plastic army men from her crudely-assembled vagina."
"What the actual fuck?" asked Steve, looking horrified, while Tony couldn't stop laughing.
"Well, it's a woman. Maybe the advertisement will be effective?" suggested Thor.
"We have very different definitions of woman, Thor," said Clint.
"Come on Clint, he is a woman now," said Natasha.
"Wait, HE?!" asked Thor in horror. "Is that why's it's crudely made?"
"That would be why," said Bruce. "Should I read the last one, or should I wait until Tony can breathe?"
"I'm okay, I'm okay," assured Tony, getting up off the floor. "Oh man, I'm so glad I made you read that."
"Hey, as long as the card doesn't give me a micropenis, I don't care what it says," said Bruce, ignoring Tony when he flipped him off. "And now, the last thing the press secretary has to explain is Vietnamese mercenaries hunting John Kerry."
"Forty years isn't enough time to forgive and forget apparently," said Natasha. "So, who's it gonna be Bruce?"
"Has to go to Caitlyn Jenner, doesn't it?" asked Bruce. "I mean, picking him/her in the first place is a bad idea, but getting him/her to do that? Definitely needs explaining."
"HAHA! Well in the lead now," said Thor.
"God damn it," said Bruce, awarding the god his point. "How is it that the guy who knows the least about this game is kicking all our asses?"
"He's a god, that's all there is to it," said Clint. "Luckily he can't win this one, so maybe we can catch up."
"Alright mortals, here's your question," gloated Thor, reading his screen. "When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if _."
"Slight problem," said Steve. "None of my cards will make grammatical sense with that question."
"Yeah, I have that same problem," said Natasha.
"I have one that makes grammatical sense, but it's not that funny," said Tony.
"Okay, alright," said Thor. "For the sake of humour, I'll reword things so that they make sense."
"Thanks big guy," said Tony. "That makes this so much easier."
Soon, the answers were in, and Thor was reading them out. "Okay, so, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he's Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II. She's not another Caitlyn Jenner type, is she?"
"Thankfully not," said Tony. "At least, I REALLY hope not."
"I'm sure Philip would have figured it out by now if she was," said Natasha.
"It would raise some serious questions as to how Charles, Anne, Andrew, and Edward got here," said Bruce.
"While you question whether the queen has a penis, probably bigger than Stark's," said Thor (Tony flipped off the thunder god at this, but he ignored it) "…I'm going to see what else you answered me with?" Thor read the next card aloud. "When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he's an Indian co-worker who wears so much cologne you can taste it."
"Trust me, it does," said Natasha. "Seriously, what the fuck are you trying to cover up with that?"
"Have you smelled Indian food?" asked Clint. "Not great."
"Next up," said Thor. "When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he's a man of means by no means."
"You don't mean that," said Tony, smirking at his own joke.
Thor glared at him, but continued reading the answers. "When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he's rapping with a speech impediment."
"To be fair, that would be an improvement for any of those mumble rap idiots," said Tony.
"Don't let my kids hear you say that," said Clint. "They'll get really fired up about it."
"Now for the final answer," said Thor. "When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if he's a wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tubeman."
"Sorry Thor, but you're meant to read that card as quickly as possible," said Tony.
"I assume it's a reference to something then?" asked Steve.
"Yeah, it's in the show Family Guy," said Clint.
"Hmm, okay, I better add it to my list of things to catch up on," said Steve.
"Yes, you must," said Tony.
"DEAR GOD NO!" yelled Natasha.
"Come on Nat, if one of their jokes contains the word wacky, surely it can't be that bad," said Steve. Natasha was about to respond, but Steve cut her off. "Alright Thor, who takes it this time?"
"Hmm, tough choice," said Thor. "But I think I'll give it to the Queen."
"Finally, I get another point," said Clint. "Okay Steve, you're up."
"O Canada, we stand on guard for _," said Steve. "Oh God, what are we about to say about our northern neighbours?"
"Whatever it is, they'll probably apologise to us about it," said Tony, choosing a card.
Soon all the cards were in, and Steve took a deep breath. "Okay, let's hope we don't accidentally start a war against the only country that seems impossible to piss off," he said, looking at the first card. "O Canada, we stand on guard for Degrassi High."
"Well, they are pretty much the only country not to censor the show," said Clint.
"Why? What could possibly need censoring in a show about teenagers?" asked Steve.
"Think of something that needs censoring," said Tony. "That."
"Uh…huh," said Steve, realising what Tony was talking about. "O Canada, we stand on guard for earthquake projectors."
"To be fair, when's the last time they had a serious earthquake?" asked Bruce.
"Let loose big green up there, they might get one," said Tony.
"That sounds like a horrible idea," said Bruce. "I'd wipe the entire moose population off the face of the planet."
"Yeah, we don't want to have to stop a rampaging Hulk in Canada," said Steve. "I'd like them to continue to like us." Tony looked like he was about to object to this, but Clint shook his head. Steve saw none of this as he continued reading. "O Canada, we stand on guard for stockings filled with Vaseline®."
"They would try and be squeaky clean," muttered Tony as Steve continued.
"O Canada, we stand on guard for the Toronto Maple Leafs," said Steve. "That's…not inaccurate, I guess."
"They're a hockey team, they don't need guards," said Natasha.
"The guards aren't for them, they're for the people," suggested Thor.
"And the last one," said Steve. "O Canada, we stand on guard for a wax statue of John Wayne."
"Now that's more like it," said Tony. "We have an entire country to protect a statue of one of our most amazing actors."
"Maybe the Leafs are the ones protecting it," said Clint.
"But as for the winner," said Steve. "I'm going to go with…screw it, the Maple Leafs."
"Thank you," said Tony, getting his fourth point. "Widow, what do you have for us?"
Natasha read her card, and smirked menacingly. "Who should my victim be?" she asked, looking between the other five. "You know what? We've bullied Tony enough, let's attack Bruce this time."
"Oh crap," said Bruce, looking worried. "Is this going to be Hulk-inducing?"
"Let's hope not," said Clint.
"_ always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam," said Natasha.
"That's nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be," said Bruce, relieved.
"That's because you haven't seen what we're going to play yet," said Tony, playing his card.
Bruce sighed. "I know I'm going to hate this, but whatever," he said, picking a card.
Once they were all in, Natasha began reading them. "Accidentally slipping yourself a roofie always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam," said Natasha.
"Well, at least you're getting to take a nap first," said Clint. "What people do to you DURING that nap is a different matter…"
"I don't think we need that image," said Bruce. "Especially what would happen if I woke up partway through."
"Next up," said Natasha. "Five miso soups, four seaweed salads, three soy burger dinners, two tofu dog platters, and one pasta with meatless meatballs always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam."
"Oh, come on, I'm not even a vegan," said Bruce.
"You're not going to comment on the fact that that's a LOT of food?" asked Thor.
"I guess there's that too," said Bruce.
"Next we have…" started Natasha, before she actually read the card. "Oh, come on, really?"
"Read it," said Tony.
"Or don't, that's fine too," said Bruce.
"Sorry Bruce," said Natasha, turning back to the screen. "Fleshlights always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam."
"Do I even want to know what that means?" asked Steve.
"Surely you mean flashlights?" asked Thor.
"No, that's definitely an e," said Natasha. "And shame on whoever played that."
"Yeah, where would I even get one that Hulk wouldn't immediately crush?" asked Bruce.
"Are you actually asking that, or being rhetorical?" asked Tony.
"And with that, let's continue," said Natasha before Bruce could answer (though she did notice him sigh with relief when she spoke). "A little same-sex experimentation always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam."
"Well that didn't exactly improve things, did it?" asked Bruce.
"So…top or bottom?" asked Tony.
"Tony, do you really think Hulk would let something be put in his ass?" asked Thor.
"I don't know, maybe he's into that," said Tony.
"Well that's a disturbing image," said Clint.
"Agreed, let's move past that," said Natasha. "Last one: super snoozy school assemblies always helps Bruce prepare for a big exam."
"Did we just come full circle with the roofie answer?" asked Clint.
"I think we did," said Natasha. "Anyway, as much as I hate this answer, I've gotta give it to fleshlights."
"Two in a row," said Tony. "Guess you noticed Bruce's relief at not needing to answer my question as well."
"Son of a bitch," muttered Bruce.
"Alright, my turn," said Clint. "What's a favourite pastime of the family you're marrying into?"
"Well, we're about to learn something about either the Potts, Romanoff, Foster, Carter, or Banner family," said Tony.
"The question is: will anyone admit to their answer?" asked Bruce.
"JARVIS, automatically update the score for this round once we have a winner," said Tony. "Make sure whoever it is feels the shame of whatever they said."
"Yes sir," said JARVIS.
"Oh Jesus," said Bruce, as he played his card. "That was a choice."
"And definitely tell us Bruce's card if he doesn't win," added Tony.
"Fuck you Tony," said Bruce, as the others played their cards.
Once they were all in, Clint started reading them. "The favourite pastime of one of the families you guys are marrying into is…" Clint stopped as he saw the answer, and his eyes went wide with shock. "Okay, who played that?"
"I don't think whoever played it is going to own up willingly," said Tony. "Except for me, but mine isn't that bad. Anyway, read it out, and we'll see who reacts to it."
"Oh Christ," sighed Clint. "Finger banging with the tampon still in is a favourite pastime."
No-one reacted. "Hmm, poker face eh?" said Tony. "You know I can have JARVIS tell me what you played. Though I'm personally betting on Bruce."
"I assure you, it wasn't me," said Bruce.
"I think thou doth protest too much," said Tony. "Anyway Clint, continue."
"Just read the next one, and it doesn't get any better," said Clint. "The next pastime is ISIL's YouTube channel."
"You're right, that's not an improvement," said Tony. "And should probably set off some alarm bells."
"What shocks me most is, with all the stuff YouTube bans, they let ISIL keep their channel," said Clint. "Well anyway, next pastime is not believing in giraffes."
"That's…incredibly tame for this round," said Steve. "Also incredibly stupid, but mostly just tame."
"Indeed it is," said Clint. "Next we have…penile implants."
"And we're back to horrible," said Steve.
"Puny mortals, needing to enhance their penis size," said Thor.
"And before Thor tries to make the rest of us feel inadequate," said Clint. "Stabbing yourself to hit on the hot nurse at the field hospital is the final pastime of someone's family."
"Huh, maybe Peggy's the one playing the game," said Natasha. "Okay Barton, who wins?"
"Just to see who we have to shame for it," said Clint. "Who's finger banging with the tampon still in?" The group watched as Steve's score went up by one point. "Shame on you, Captain Rogers."
"I hate you Stark," said Steve.
"No you don't," said Tony. "So, looks like Thor's still in the lead, I'm second now, Widow's third, everyone else is last."
"If Steve plays more cards like that, he might make a comeback," said Clint.
"True, he could," said Tony. "Now, the moment we've all been waiting for, what did Bruce play JARVIS?"
"Penile implants, sir," said JARVIS.
"Fuck you Tony," said Bruce, while Natasha glared at him.