"Okay guys, let's try and avoid picking Thor's cards," said Tony.
"Good luck with that," said Thor, smirking.
"Here's your question," said Tony. "Why I don't snoop in their room anymore."
"Whose room?" asked Clint.
"I don't know, it just says 'their'," said Tony. "But for argument's sake, let's say...Steve."
"Screw you Tony," said Steve from across the table, looking for an answer.
Once all the answers were in, Tony began reading the first answer, and burst out laughing. "Well, we're off to a fantastic start," he said. "Apparently I found 2 Girls 1 Cup in Steve's room."
"Jesus Christ," said Clint, shaking his head.
"What? Doesn't that just mean two girls are sharing a drink together?" asked Steve.
"Ooh boy, you're not wrong," said Tony. "Who wants to explain that one to him? Better yet, show him."
"NO!" yelled Natasha. "Steve, give me your ear. I have something to explain to you."
"I'm not gonna like this, am I?" asked Steve, as Natasha leaned in and start explaining what the card was talking about.
"While that's happening," said Tony. "I also found aquaphilia in Steve's room."
"WHAT?!" yelled Steve.
"Just reading the card," said Tony. "Unless you actually have aquaphilia in your room."
"Um...no," said Steve, in a tone that implied he might. "I was reacting to Nat explaining that other card to me."
"I know, right?" said Tony, smirking. "The offer's still open if you want to see it."
"Dear God no," said Steve. "I would like to be able to still eat chocolate ice-cream."
"Oh, is it something to do with that, is it?" asked Thor.
"It's probably better not to know," said Bruce.
"And on that note, it's time for our next card," said Tony. "I found auto-erotic asphyxiation in Steve's room too."
"Steve is into some weird shit," said Natasha.
"I try not to judge," said Tony. "Especially since I also found a seaman filled with semen in his room."
"So, in theory, the last card should be something extremely tame and be Steve's card because he doesn't want to look too bad," said Bruce.
"You'd think that," said Tony. "But it's actually the Supreme Court Jazz Choir. I wonder what he was doing with them in there."
"Wait, what?" asked Bruce. "Then which one was Steve's?"
"JARVIS, tell us which card was Steve's," said Tony. "In the meantime, 2 Girls 1 Cup is the winner. Now, which card was Steve's?"
"Sir, I suggest you look at who won first," said JARVIS.
"What do you..." started Tony, then saw Steve sheepishly raising his hand. "No fucking way."
"I didn't know what it was," said Steve defensively. "And frankly, I don't think I wanted to know."
"Everything shitty about today just disappeared," said Tony, giving Steve his point. "Banner, you're up."
"Okay, here goes," said Bruce. "Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on (the) _ who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore. Hey, I thought people liked Obama."
"Better than Trump at least," said Natasha, looking for a card to play.
Once the cards were in, Bruce started reading. "Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on a human weapon system who is so happily and openly destroying Baltimore," said Bruce.
"It's a weapon. That's what it's supposed to do," said Thor.
"Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on mall Santas who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore," said Bruce.
"They're not the ones from Futurama are they?" asked Clint.
"Nah, they'd be destroying everything indiscriminately, not just Baltimore," said Bruce, looking at the next card. "Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on the middle class who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore."
"Funny, I thought they were the type of people who voted for him," said Tony.
"Why are you trying to apply logic to this game?" asked Natasha.
"Well, they're destroying Baltimore, so clearly that's not positive," said Bruce, before looking at the next card. "Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on a Taliban insurgent wildly firing an AK-47 from the hip who is so happily and openly destroying Baltimore."
"Yeah, that would be pretty bad," said Tony. "Someone should do something about that. Maybe a group of people with superhuman abilities and/or technology to subdue him? I mean, there is only one of him."
"We get it Tony," said Clint. "Bruce, what's left?"
"Last one," said Bruce. "Our great African-American President hasn't exactly had a positive impact on whomsoever let the dogs out who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore."
"Get some rolled up newspapers, because we have some bad dogs to whack on the nose," said Clint. "So Bruce, who wins?"
"Gotta go with the Taliban one," said Bruce. "Just the card, not the Taliban themselves."
"I think that put me in second," said Clint. "Anyone want to see me pull a come from behind victory?"
"No," said Thor. "Please don't answer my question, I don't want you getting any closer."
"You hear that Clint? Sounds like the so called 'strongest Avengers' is scared of Katniss," said Tony, earning him a glare from Thor and a smirk from Clint. "Read your question big guy."
"Your question," said Thor, looking at the screen. "This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with _. I don't know who that is, but he sounds like a dick."
"He kinda was," said Natasha. "And I have the perfect card for this."
"Great, I'll pick that one," said Thor as she picked her answer. "Which one is it?"
"Eh, it'll be more fun to see you try and figure out which one is Clint's," said Natasha.
"God I love you," said Bruce.
Once all the answers were in, Thor started reading. "This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with Gandalf."
"Why do I get the feeling Ian McKellen would be into that?" asked Clint.
"Because he probably is," said Tony. "Okay, next one."
"This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with a gay prince with a sopping wet vagina," said Thor.
"Well, as long as it has a vagina, I doubt he'd be too fussy," said Tony.
"This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with Heidi Klum's former 10 body," said Thor, ignoring Tony.
"That wouldn't even make the news it's that expected," said Bruce.
"This just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with poorly educated voters," said Thor.
"So, his entire fanbase?" asked Natasha.
"And finally, this just in: Bill Clinton allegedly had an affair with Rick Perry," said Thor.
"Don't say that, Trump might fire him," said Tony. "Who am I kidding, he probably already has. So, who are you going with?"
"I know nothing about this Clinton man," said Thor. "But I feel like he'd be into a gay prince with a sopping vagina."
"I agree, he would," said Tony. "Unfortunately, it wasn't my card. Who had it?"
"That would be me," said Steve. "Can't say I'm especially pleased to not be losing, but I guess I'll have to deal with that."
"Well, tough," said Natasha. "So, you've got a question for us?"
"I do," said Steve. "Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von _!"
"Oh boy, a superhero question," said Clint. "Because that would be out of place with this group of people."
Once the cards were in, Steve began reading them. "Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von Cargo Pants!"
"The most evil piece of clothing on the planet," said Bruce. "As evidenced by the author of this fic wearing some as he's writing this."
"HEY! No fourth wall breaks," said Natasha. "Deadpool isn't a part of this universe yet."
"Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von..." started Steve, before staring in horror at the next answer. "NO! I am NOT reading that."
"Do it," said Tony. "You have to."
"No. I refuse," said Steve.
"Fine," said Tony. "God boy, read it for him."
Thor pushed Steve out of the way and looked at the answer in question. "Date rape," said Thor. "Someone answered with date rape."
"And that someone is probably going to get castrated with a rusty spoon," said Natasha. "Come forward now and I might knock you out first." A whimper was heard, but Natasha couldn't pick where it came from. "I'll find you, one day."
"Thanks for hiding me," whispered Bruce to Tony when Natasha wasn't looking.
"Safety in numbers, buddy," whispered Tony back to him.
"Okay, after that horrible answer, let's move on, shall we?" asked Steve. "Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von Decorative Balls!"
"Who the hell wants baubles instead of testicles?" asked Clint.
"Whoever played the date rape card," said Natasha. "Last chance boys." No-one came forward. "Your funeral, whoever you are."
"Okay, next up," said Steve. "Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von Guacamole!"
"Must be a millennial," said Tony. "They love the avocado stuff."
"With the economy the way it is, I wouldn't be surprised if a few of them turned to villainy," said Bruce.
"And finally," said Steve. "Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von Stranger Danger!"
"Don't worry, he's only dangerous to kids," said Tony. "And I'm pretty sure Clint is ready to put an arrow through him."
"And not one of my regular arrows either," said Clint. "Pretty sure I've still got a few incendiary ones around here somewhere. But anyway, Steve, who takes it?"
"Hmm..." thought Steve. "Well I'm pretty sure if I say date rape Nat's going to put me through the same thing as whoever played it."
"You could pick it," said Natasha. "It'll help me find who it is."
"For the sake of protecting their identity," said Steve. "I'll go with stranger danger."
"I'm coming for you Thor," said Clint, getting another point. "I'm closing in."
"Bring it," said Thor. "Natasha, read your question. I have a mortal to crush."
Natasha looked at the card on her screen, and immediately started laughing. "This card could not have come at a better time," said Natasha. "Seriously Thor, I think you might have subtly influenced the machine."
"Just read it already," said Thor.
"Okay, here goes," said Natasha. "Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of _ , and I will not tolerate _! You need to pick two cards for this one."
"She's right, you influenced the machine buddy," said Tony, picking his answers. "I had no idea you could hack, much less a secure high-tech computer system, but there you go."
"You doubt my greatness?" asked Thor, choosing his answers.
Soon, all cards were in, and Natasha started reading them. "Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of baking brownies, and I will not tolerate chowder!" read Natasha.
"Well, I think we all know which food is superior anyway," said Steve.
"Does anyone think the god of chowder hates brownies?" asked Bruce. "Thor, you don't happen to know do you?"
"I haven't met them myself, but I hear they're very dedicated to their chosen foods," said Thor.
"Wait, they're REAL?!" asked Bruce. "I was kidding."
"Hey, have you seen how many gods there are in Greek and Egyptian mythology? I wouldn't be surprised if there were gods for those sorts of things," said Natasha. "Speaking of which: Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of dancing ballroom before ballroom was cool, and I will not tolerate the Truffle Shuffle!"
"Watch out Chunk, you're about to be smited," said Tony.
"Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of getting really high, and I will not tolerate dolphins eating potato chips!" said Natasha.
"Yeah, the people need those snacks after they get wasted," said Clint. "I like this god, he's thinking of his disciples."
"You imply that I don't?" said Thor, looking over at Clint. Clint just smiled nervously.
"Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of opposable thumbs, and I will not tolerate cockblocking!" continued Natasha.
"Yeah, let people get laid," said Tony.
"Is that what that means?" asked Steve.
"Jesus Christ Steve, how many years have you been out of the ice?" asked Tony.
"Sorry if curse language isn't on my list of things to catch up to," said Steve.
"Well then," said Natasha. "The last entry is: Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of sperm whales, and I will not tolerate Donald Trump's latest fucking thing!"
"Great, now he's pissing off Namor," said Tony. "Because we needed the city of Atlantis to go to war with us too."
"Look, once he's impeached, we can stop talking about him," said Clint. "At least until Mike Pence inevitably clears his name and puts him back in power."
"And now that we've had our once a round discussion of how much of an asshole the president is," said Natasha. "Who had the truffle shuffle ballroom dance combo? You win."
"Caught you," said Clint.
"Shut. Up," said Thor. "You winning is just prolonging the game."
"Gotta admit, did not see Clint charging home like this," said Bruce. "Okay, what have you got for us?"
"I don't know what's worse, ABUs or _," said Clint. "I'm going to assume that's Airman Battle Uniform."
"Based on the pack it's from, that is a reasonable assumption," said Tony.
Once the answers were in, Clint started reading. "I don't know what's worse, ABUs or being paralysed from the neck down," he read.
"And we're off to a fantastic start," said Bruce. "Surely it can only go up from there."
"It better not. It's better when it doesn't," said Tony.
"I don't know what's worse, ABUs or blind watchdogs," said Clint.
"Probably the blind watchdogs," said Thor. "Since they're, you know, blind, and therefore..."
"We get it Thor," said Steve.
"I don't know what's worse, ABUs or Navy SEALs making millions by doing random shit and selling it as a 'SEAL Workout'," said Clint.
"Well that's an easy fix," said Natasha. "Do your own random shit and sell it as 'Air Force Workout'."
"I'll pass that on to Rhodey," said Tony.
"I don't know what's worse, ABUs or a septic tank swimming pool," said Clint.
"Why are we letting our air force swim in a septic tank?" asked Steve.
"Don't worry, it was cleaned out first," said Tony. "I got them to use Rhodey's toothbrush."
"I'm telling," said Natasha.
"And now for the last one," said Clint. "I don't know what's worse, ABUs or an unfulfilling handjob."
"Those are always horrible," said Tony. "Imagine thinking that you're..."
"Stop talking, for the love of God," said Steve. "Okay Barton, who gets it?"
"God damn it, all of these are horrible in a hilarious way," said Clint. "But I think I'll go with the one that air force personnel are the most likely to say."
"Paralysed from the neck down?" asked Thor hopefully.
"No, the Navy SEAL one," said Clint. "Who had that?"
"That would be me," said Tony. "So by my count, Thor and Barton hold the lead on eight each, then it's me on six, Rogers and Romanoff on five, and Banner in last on four. Honestly didn't think Cap would get out of last place, but Doctor Green here proved me wrong."
"Shut up Tony," said Bruce, preparing for the next round.