WARNING: There is slight mention of suicide (only less than 100 words) in this chapter. Suicide is tragic, traumatic and painful. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek out the help of loved ones, a mental health professional, a teacher or any trusted adult. Teenage years can be confusing. I know. I've been through it and had a couple thoughts myself but everybody is worthwhile and your life is precious and important. Xoxo

Chapter 13
Bereft

.:Nya:.

When Nya was finally brought around from unconsciousness, she was aware of the dying warmth of the setting sun and the eerie silence that lingered in the air. Rocks, roots and twisted branches protruded into her skin from all angles: in her back, arms, neck, thighs and just everywhere.

Drowsy with half consciousness, Nya half wondered if she was still in a dream… but this discomfort and pain that had suddenly taken over her body only confirmed to Nya that this wasn't a dream – that this, was in fact, reality. Cruel, cold reality. And just like that, memory after memory flooded her mind – the one that stood out of the most from her disorientating kaleidoscope of memories was the one of Kai urging her to run- KAI!

Disregarding all aches and the screaming protests that her muscles were wailing, Nya forced herself out of the bush. She immediately noticed how much eerie the forest was considering that the mid-day sun no longer shined above them. Now, long shadows were casted across the forest, causing dread to pelt into Nya's body.

Her amber eyes immediately scanned her surrounding environment, looking for anything that obviously didn't belong there while cautiously making her way to the very spot she could remember Kai standing on. Instead… She only saw his backpack.

"K-Kai?" Nya tearily called into the forest, her voice cutting through the silence and caused the hairs on the back of her neck to rise.

Not even a single bird made a sound. There were no crickets. No breeze to rustle the leaves. All it did was made Nya feel like she was suffocating and drowning in fear – fear for the fate of her brother.

The girl slowly bent down to pick up the tattered material of the bag into her hands, her breath becoming shallow as panic slowly started to seep into her body. Her amber eyes prickled with tears but Nya stubbornly blinked them back as she forced herself to look for Kai. She took a few shaky steps forward before her eyes caught sight of blood smears against some of the greenery.

Nya's breath hitched in her throat before she took off sprinting, up the steep slope where the blood smear trial led to. Once she came to the top of the slope, she froze for what laid before her was a nightmare of sorts… only more vicious and more lucid than the ones Nya had ever conjured up in her unconsciousness. For a moment, it was like time stood still, and everything got colder.

The girl took a shaky step forward, the simple movement costing more energy than it should but did that stop Nya? No. It didn't. Instead, she ran forward until gravity dragged her to the ground, right next to her brother.

"K-Kai?" She whispered, voice breaking appallingly.

She got no response, striking fear into her chest. He was faced down into the ground, his back on display… Along with the two blood patches that were located on his shoulder and the back of his leg. Nya hesitantly lifted her trembling hands, intending to roll Kai over but at the same time, she was petrified to… petrified to see if her brother was truly dead.

A tear fell down her grimy cheek when she finally resolved in rolling him over, to check if he was alive or dead considering her words were doing nothing to wake him up.

"D-Don't be dead… Please, don't be dead, Kai," Nya continued to murmur but a small cry escaped her lips when she rolled him over.

However, the sight that greeted her paralysed her instantaneously. In fact, it was a numerous amount of reactions: the throbbing that resided in her burning eyes; the ringing silence vibrating between her ears; the excruciating and erratic thump of her heart against her aching chest; the cold sweat that trickled down the middle of her spine. Yet… Nya couldn't tear her eyes away from the dead corpse that laid out in front of her… especially the numerous of cuts that covered the front of his body and the dagger that was planted into his chest.

The grief and anguish that attacked Nya was like no other. It came in waves… waves of a storm. It crashed down on her violently and harshly; engulfing her entire being and overwhelming her already tattered heart. It tortured her guts, churning her stomach in tense cramps. It invaded her conscience, knocking all her other thoughts aside… only to leave all thoughts and memories of Kai. The wracking sobs that Nya cried, were cried in a desolate way that made the forest seem impossibly more silent.

Nya's near-hysterical crying would only be interrupted when she needed to draw in and expel breaths, where the grief was easily evident. She cried as if her heart was being shredded from the inside… because to her, it really felt like it was. Emotional pain flowed out of her every pore.

Because… Because Kai was gone. Forever…

.:Jay:.

Jay sighed as he stared up at the ceiling of their dark dorm for the umpteenth time that night. In his sleeplessness, he was drunk on silence. For hours, it had seeped into his bloodstream, drowsing his mind with its thick toxicity. The usefulness of his thoughts left long ago, leaving fatigued neurones to fire almost randomly – flailing without direction.

There was so much Jay wanted to not think about at all. All he wanted was to be absorbed into the peaceful world of slumber so he could wake up refreshed to start the following day with the sunrise exercise – completely unaware of the hours between then and now. But, like the previous nights, his mind did not grant him his wish to simply sleep.

Ever since the night of the ball (a week ago), sleep have been evading his mind. Instead, thoughts upon thoughts plagued his mind – thoughts of the pretty and rare smile of Nya… and the troubling thoughts of Kai. Since Kai had admitted to him, last week, that his parents were dead, Jay had tried everything in his power to be understanding and supportive. But like sleep, Kai was also avoiding him like he was the plague.

Jay sighed again. The tournament was in two weeks. Although Kai had been less talkative and avoiding him, the hot-headed boy still trained hard. Instead, Jay found that it was his own performance that was dropping. Between getting a couple hours of sleep a night and his thoughts always consisting of Kai or Nya, Jay often found his back to the ground in spars or obtaining injuries during their training. Lloyd confronted him about it earlier today, reminding him to keep his head out of the clouds.

Of course, his blond friend was absolutely right and Jay had tried, repetitively, screaming at his brain just to forget about the Smith siblings and get sleep; but of course, that never happened. So here he was, staring at the ceiling completely awake.

However, Jay became more alerted and possibly more awake when he heard a strained sound from his roommate. The boy rolled over and looked over to Kai's bed and was immediately concerned by the sorrowful expression that occupied his face. It wasn't just that either. Jay took notice of how Kai's breaths were erratic and how his hands were subtly clenching the bedsheets underneath him.

"Please, don't be dead…" Jay heard Kai murmured; yet, Jay could hear the raw desperation in his voice.

Timidly, Jay got up and headed towards his roommate's bed. The last three times (and the only times) Jay had to wake Kai up from a nightmare, the boy would bolt up and then close himself off. Jay didn't want Kai to close off completely from him but… he couldn't just let his friend suffer in this nightmare.

As he got closer, the blue-eyed boy frowned to see that Kai's eyes were now squeezed shut as his lashes were moist with tears. The muscles and veins in his neck were taunt while sweat excreted from his skin and made his messy hair stick to his face. Once Kai made a choking sound in the back of his throat, Jay went into action and shook his roommate awake… but like always, that was never enough to wake up Kai.

"Kai, wake up. It's just a bad dream," Jay exasperated as more of these choking sounds reached his ears and tears left the boy's eyes. "Wake up!"

Fortunately for Jay, that seemed to wake him up. The boy beneath him gasped awake before bolting upwards, harsh breaths pouring from his dry lips, wide -haunted- eyes moist with tears and shoulders shuddering. Jay only took a couple steps back but his eyes never left from Kai whose shaky hand relentlessly rose to go through his messy hair. He then bit down on his lip as if to stop himself from bursting into tears.

There was, without a doubt, that Kai's nightmares had to be linked to his parents' death… But the only possible solution Jay could come up with as to why Kai was so silent, traumatised and haunted would be… would be if his parents had died in front of him. This thought did not sit right with Jay at all.

So, wordlessly, Jay didn't pester Kai with any questions. Instead, he headed to the kitchenette and turned on the dim night life and immediately placed a kettle to boil. He frequently looked over his shoulder to see Kai was still trying to calm himself down. Jay could try comforting the boy but… Jay had a feeling that no matter what he said would make Kai feel better and hugging him was completely out of the question.

Jay mentally sighed as he looked down to the two tea cups he had yet to fill with tea. Thinking about it now, this was Kai's first nightmare since he had been drinking this tea… Unless he had a couple that Jay was never awake for. But he remembered watching Kai drink the tea a few hours ago… so why did he suddenly have a nightmare now?

Once the tea was made, Jay quietly went to his roommate who was now sitting on the edge of his bed with his face in his hands. Then, he held out one of the two tea cups.

"… Don't want it."

"Just drink it. It may put you at ease."

It felt like an eternity but Kai finally took the cup out of Jay's hand. The talkative boy went back to his bed and softly drank the tea while keeping a close eye on Kai, who only stared blankly at the floor while both hands were wrapped around the tea cup. Jay frowned.

"I didn't make it that hot… It's at a drinkable temperature," Jay softly said but Kai didn't even make a slight response or acknowledge if he had even heard his words.

With the umpteenth sigh of that night, Jay got up and slowly sat on the other end of Kai's bed. Heck, his hot-headed friend didn't even acknowledge this! If Kai was… well, back to normal, he would already be snapping at Jay to get lost. So this definitely concerned the boy.

"It was a really bad one… Huh?"

No response.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

No response again.

"… Was it about your parents?"

Jay carefully watched his roommate, only to see a tear quickly run down his face but Kai quickly wiped it away – as if slowly coming back to his senses.

"It doesn't matter…"

"It does," Jay insisted. "You're my friend, Kai. I just want to help."

"Why?" Kai muttered. "You don't have to help me."

"Do I need a motive to help you other than the fact that you're my friend and I'm concerned for you?" Jay questioned, brows slightly furrowing. "Why can't you just trust me?"

"Trust…" Kai muttered before bitterly laughing, a response that got Jay worried quickly.

"Kai…?"

"I've trust a friend before… And they betrayed me, so I apologise for not trusting you."

One would think that Kai would have spoken this with some sort of apologetic tone or sadness… but no. His voice was filled with bitterness and anger. His apology wasn't sincere at all… not that it bothered Jay. Instead, all of this made his head hurt. Could this trust issue and this 'friend' betrayal have any link to his parents' death? Were they… murdered and this friend withdrew information or something?

"I would never betray you. Heck, I haven't even told anyone about your sleeping troubles or your parents," Jay said very quietly, just wanting to calm Kai down first. "I respect that you want to keep your life hidden from us but… I just want to help you through whatever you're going through."

"… I don't want help."

"That's what you want… but is it what you need?"

"… I don't need help either," Kai answered. "I'm fine."

"But you're not-"

"I'm fine, Jay!"

Jay fell silent – and truth be told, a little hurt by Kai's outburst. He just didn't know what he was doing wrong. He didn't know why Kai wasn't seeing reasons to trust him… He didn't know what to do to help his friend and Jay couldn't help but feel this tremendous wave of guilt crash over him… guilt for not being able to help a friend.

"Okay…" He whispered, looking away from his roommate. But truth be told, he wasn't okay with it at all.

.:Nya:.

Grief. It was a feeling that Nya knew all too well but most days, she had managed to keep it at bay, tucked away into the furthest corner of her mind… But some days, like today, it just come back at full force. Grief was the emptiness in the heart. It was the shear of nothingness that threatened to kill the soul of anything good. It gave this heavy feeling – so heavy that Nya felt like there was nothing she could do to get out from underneath it. It was a hole in her chest and all it made her want to do is wipe away any non-existent years she wanted to form but… but just couldn't.

A soft sigh escaped her lips as she sat on the roof of the academy. Her amber eyes watched as dawn besieged the stars. She watched how the sun rose victoriously into the atmosphere; the light consuming the sky with ferocity thus, returning it to its uplifting powder blue appearance. Wispy cotton clouds gradually accumulated high above, only adding to the blissful ambiance of the morning.

Again, to some people, the sunrise was a symbolic message of a new beginning, or the end of a dark era. But to Nya, it was just another sunrise. Just another day. Just another day living a pointless life.

Sometimes, Nya wondered what was the point of it anymore. She had lost her parents. Her home. Her brother. What else could life possibly take from her? What else could she possibly do to make this any better? She made a somewhat close friend in Skylor but… but that wasn't enough for Nya to keep wanting to live this boring life in fear of being discovered as a girl or worse, discovered by her uncle.

To the right, in the distance, she could hear the unmistakable sound of thunder. Looking that way, Nya could see a fleet of dark clouds coming closer with promise of a storm to come. The old Nya used to love the water and the rain. The current Nya didn't like the rain. She hated the cold that came with it… the dark and gloomy feel of it – yet, she enjoyed the feeling of the warm water from the shower but that could never compare to how she used to love the rain before.

Nya wondered what it would be like to still love the sun and the rain, and be able to dance with the breeze. When she used to love all of that was a long time ago… Now, time became measureless, and it dissolved into itself, as shapeless as the rain.

Curiously, she looked down over the edge of the roof. She was up a great height. It would be easy – to jump and end it all. End her misery and grief – end her pointless life. But if she didn't die from impact than she would be in a new world of misery, grief and physical pain. Plus… if she'd jumped, then Kai's sacrifice would have gone to waste. All he had done for her… would have gone to a waste if she gave into temptation…

"Mum and Dad wouldn't want us to be grieving over them forever. They would want us to try and move on and be happy."

His lips softly stretching into a smile but it didn't reach his amber eyes. They were lit with sadness; all the anger that Nya had seen was long gone. But she knew he was smiling for her, to try and reassure everything would be okay.

"You know I'll do anything to keep you safe."

His eyes penetrated deeply into her own. They were so full of worry and… and fear. That, itself, scared Nya.

"You're my little sister, Nya. It doesn't matter if you want me to or not, as your older brother I'm going to protect you… Mum and Dad would want you safe."

In life, Kai was passionate, protective and warm. In death, he was ghostly pale, lips already bluish. Though his eyes were closed, he didn't have the appearance of sleep. Crimson blood still exited from the numerous of wounds that littered his body. Dead. Dead. Dead.

"You can't keep remembering them by how we saw them last. You should remember them when they were at their happiest. It's not easy, even I'm struggling with it, but we can't let one image define them forever. They had good lives. They had goof memories with us like we have with them. They would never want you to forget those cherished memories."

Everything Kai had said, he was right. Nya knew her brother would never want her to keep grieving over him, he would want her to move on and be happy… which was what he had always tried to do – he had always tried to make her happy even in dire situations. He had always tried to protect her… All that Nya wished was that he didn't have to die in the process…

Nya did try to remember Kai at his happiest… like his goofy smiles or his self-boosting of his 'good looking' face but… the image of his dead body was scarring.

"We can't let one image define them forever."

… Easier said than done.

"If you continue to stay up here, you're going to get caught out in the rain."

Nya gasped as she heard this voice. She quickly whipped her head around. She had somewhat expected it to either be Jay or Lloyd… but instead, she was greeted with the pale appearance of Zane.

"What are you doing up here?" Nya asked, feeling quite on the edge.

If Nya had to bet on which boy could easily see past her disguise, she would have betted everything on Zane. It wasn't because he was the smartest in the academy but there was something about him... Something that was screaming at Nya that told her Zane was more observant that the average person. Maybe it had something to do with his intelligent pale blue eyes… But there was something. Something that Nya couldn't put her finger on.

"Same could be asked of you," the pale blond replied before sitting down a couple metres away from her. "But if you must know, I normally come up here before the rain comes so I can watch it roll over the valleys."

"… Why?"

"To many others, people associate rain with sadness and gloominess," Zane explained, his eyes never leaving the rain clouds in the far distance. "But rain represents more than that. It is life as well for without it, nothing would grow. Look to the horizon; what is there between you and it?"

For some odd reason… Nya actually followed his words and allowed her eyes to wonder over the landscape that was between her and the horizon. There were dense patches of lofty forests; where a great river wound its silvery way through. To the left stretched a vast expanse of rich, undulating veldt or grass land, on which the girl could just make out countless herds of yak, sheep or cattle, at that distance she could not tell which. But just a bit further, she could make out the outlines of Misako's Academy for Young Independent Women.

"What you can see, it all exists because of water – because of rain. Without water, there would be no greenery. Without the greenery, there would be no animals. Without either of those, we cease to exist as well. Every time, I enjoy watching the rain clouds roll over the landscape, giving water to areas where mankind has not touched nor kindly tend to. It is just the beauty of nature," Zane explained in a soft voice, a voice that seemed less monotonous as he seemed to become engrossed into watching the landscape.

Nya couldn't help but stare at the boy. All she knew about Zane was that he was quiet, Cole's best friend, apparently good with long-ranged weapons and intelligent. She just thought Zane was the stoic, cold and calculating type… But he was actually soft-spoken, philosophical with such an interesting intake.

"How come you are up here?" The blond eventually asked, turning away from the sight to look at her… causing Nya to look back to the sun that mostly above the horizon.

"To clear my thoughts…" Nya murmured quietly.

After she had snapped at Jay a few hours ago, Nya left the dorm… and luckily, Jay didn't say a word against her for leaving. She just needed time to herself to calm down from that memory… the one memory she had so desperately wished to never revisit.

"You look like you have been here for a while. I take that it was a nightmare that cause you to retreat up here?"

"… You're too smart for your own good," Nya muttered, turning her face completely away from Zane.

"It is nothing to be ashamed about, Nya. People get nightmares all the time."

"Do you get nightmares all the time?" She challenged.

"… No. I do not but that does not mean I cannot try to understand," Zane kindly stated.

"I don't need you to understand for my sake. I'm fine."

"When people usually say they are fine, they usually are not-"

"I'm fine!" Nya snapped for the second time within a few hours. She turned her face to fully glare at Zane… but he didn't look scared or shocked. Instead, he was just calm.

"Nya-"

"I already said I'm fine!"

"It is okay to not be fine," Zane continued on anyway. "It is alright to break down, to cry and to have nightmares. It is a normal human reaction. Everyone is imperfect. You might not be able to control these feelings but you should not let them control you. At the moment, you are letting them control you."

"Am not!"

"You are too. You want to know how I know? For the last two times I have called you 'Nya', you have not reacted," Zane simply stated… causing Nya to gasp. "When you're upset and in immense distress, as you are now, your voice goes noticeably higher."

Nya couldn't believe it. She slipped up. In front of Zane – a person she was not friends with. A person she had no idea whether or not she could trust with this piece of information! Heck, if she had to choose a guy from this school to know, it would be Jay.

"But I have known you were disguising as 'Kai' for a while now."

"W-W-What?"

"Do not fret. I have not told anyone. Your secret is safe with me," Zane promised with a slight inclination of his head. "When we first met, I knew you were a girl disguising to be a boy. It was confirmed more to me when the others and I saw that picture of… well, you and your brother together."

"W-Why didn't you say anything if you have known for that long?"

"I knew you did not wish for anyone to know your secret so I thought it would be better if I said nothing."

"For four months?"

"Four and a half but yes. I have kept quiet about it. I guess Skylor knew and she had convinced you to go as yourself to the ball?"

"… Yes," Nya sighed with defeat. Great… Just what she needed.

"And I also take it that Jay does not know, despite being your roommate."

"No…"

"Take some advice," Zane softly said as he stood up. "You should tell Jay."

"B-But-"

"He is your roommate and a friend. You should tell him otherwise he is going to be hurt and who knows what will happen when he accidentally discovers you are 'Nya' when you are in distress from after a nightmare. It is better that you tell him yourself and promise him to keep it a secret than for him to freak out and blurt it out loud enough for the entire academy to hear."

And with that, he left…

Okaaaaaaay, SO SORRY FOR THE LONG UPDATE! I know I promised to get this one out two days ago but work have extended my shifts to eight and a half hours long so I was exhausted and couldn't update. Sorry guys but I hope the length could make up for it!

But massive thanks to: RebelutionaryWrites, RandomDragon2.0, StreetDancingTT, Jaell, MortalNinja, Natalie Singe, EchoIsACutie, JSNI, Cerenda, unknown and all my silent readers!

StreetDancingTT: Staying up til three in the morning? WHY?! I can never stay up that long hahaha. I usually wake up at four but fall asleep around nine or ten.

Natalie Singe: Sorry, I know how desperate you were for Kai not to be dead but… yeah, I kind of planned for him to get gone when I first wrote this story – but your ideas were actually really good! I did try to think how your ideas would go but… came to some complications and to solve these complications mean an even longer story. Sorry.

Cerenda: I know, it is sad that there are quite a few parents/ancestry issues in the show but I think it's kind of nice that these social issues are being addressed in the show – even if it's subtly.

I also regret to inform you all that I won't be updating again next weekend about in a fortnight. Next weekend I'm celebrating my 18th so I won't have time to update. Sorry. But next time, I have a chapter that I know you all will be looking forward to, a certain something involving Jay and Nya. Until then, keep loving yourself – xoxo ZaneLoverFan88