Chapter 18
Despondency
.:Nya:.
A strained and small grunt escaped as a small sound from her lips. Nya knew she wasn't the only one struggling. She looked to either side of her, seeing Jay and Lloyd also struggling – Lloyd the most.
For a moment, Nya didn't really know what was worse; this endurance challenge or the first one with the discs. Actually, stuff that, Nya knew for a fact that this endurance challenge was a lot worse.
The third challenge was that all four members of the team had to hold heavy sandbags that were ten kilograms (twenty-two pounds) above their heads, which was also tethered to a water-filled trough that was built on a frame directly above them. If someone were to get tired, they could pass their sandbag off to a teammate to get circulation and blood flow back into their arms before retrieving their sandbag back, but if a teammate were to be done completely and drop out, the remaining competitors would have to carry their weight too – because if one of those sandbags were to drop, the trough would tip, and poor water all over the remaining team members. In other words, the team would be out.
It had been fifteen minutes since the challenge had started. At first, Nya didn't struggle at all. Ten kilograms wasn't much… but as the minutes passed, the sandbag got heavier and heavier. At the moment, her legs were shaking and beginning to struggle to support her own body weight and the sandbag. Pain rushed through her body like an igniting fire, causing Nya to slightly arch her back to also relieve the building up pressure in her lower back.
Nya squeezed her eyes shut, her face also contorted. Never had she experience this kind of ache that just spread all throughout her body. She was truly pushing her body beyond its limits within a short amount of time – and again, it didn't help that they were underneath the hot sun and Nya's muscle suit was making her overheat and sweat easily, which then the suit absorbed the sweat and weigh heavier.
By this fifteen-minute mark as well, only four of the remaining fifteen teams were left in the challenge. Their team, Cole's team, and two senior teams. Fortunately for them, the senior teams had two players out, the remaining two holding two sandbags each and struggling tremendously. Cole's team, Gene was already out. Zane seemed to be doing well – again. Cole held two bags and seemed to shake slightly while Griffin seemed to be really struggling.
Them? Brad went out within the first couple of minutes of the challenge. Despite Nya telling Brad last night to take today off, he persisted he did the challenge… but instead he tried and pulled out quickly.
His sandbag had been passed around in regular intervals between the remaining three – Lloyd being the one who was currently holding two bags.
"W-We got this," Lloyd winched as his arms slightly lower from the weight.
"Pass it over, I can take it," Jay grunted, reaching over to take the bag but Lloyd pulled away.
"I can last for another minute with two. Don't worry," the blond muttered but Nya rolled her eyes.
"Lloyd, even I can tell that in thirty seconds' time, you're going to drop one of them. Pass it now."
"Fine."
And so, the bag was passed to Jay. For a moment, Nya thought they would have dropped the bag in the process of passing it over since the crowds went crazy when one of the senior teams dropped their bags, getting drenched by the trough.
… Then shortly, another exclamation from the crowd when Griffin passed his sandbag to Zane, dropping Cole's team down to just two people.
"Yes! Griffin's out!" Lloyd grinned.
"Yeah but Cole's strong and Zane's a freaking statue. It'll be a miracle for us to still beat them," Jay winched, arms struggling drastically. "Okay, okay, I can't hold this for much longer!"
"Jay, it had only been ten seconds-"
"I don't care, Lloyd! Someone just take it!"
So, Nya had no choice but to lean over and grab it off Jay. The weight and the pain immediately doubled, making the pain worsen in her lower back.
"W-Wait! N-Kai-!"
"I got this, Jay," Nya grunted as she kept her arms above her head. "I can do this for a minute, then Lloyd can take it again."
"Okay, sounds like a plan-" The blond agreed before gasps went out.
Immediately, all three of them looked to their left, to see Zane had actually passed one of his sandbags to Cole, who was currently holding three. While the peculiar boy rolled his shoulder and tried to get blood back into his arm, Cole grunted out loudly and trembled as he tried to keep a hold of all three bags.
"Cole struggling? That's a first," Jay mused, with a smirk entering his lips.
"C-Cole got more weight on him. Not only he got to hold up those bags but his own arms as well," Nya hissed.
"True… You hanging in there alright, Kai?"
"Perfectly fine-"
And screams suddenly went off. Again, Nya looked to her left and saw Cole and Zane standing there, drenched in water that their trough had dropped.
"Yes! We did it!" Jay exclaimed, jumping with joy… which made his sandbag roll out of his hands and fall, pulling on the trough which tipped and poured water all over them.
"Jay!"
"You idiot!"
"Oops… Sorry."
.::.
Amber eyes watched as the water sat coolly in the glass right before her with condensation coating the outside. Nya raised a finger delicately, allowing the tip to run around the glass, as if slicing the top half of the glass. From that, she observed as the transparent "blood" dripped down to the grainy wooden table below.
"I'm so sorry, guys… We could have won if I didn't let my excitement get to the best of me…"
"Jay, that's not your fault at all."
"But it is…"
"No, if it's anyone's fault, it would be mine… I should have been in a better head space and stayed in the competition longer-"
"Brad, that wasn't your fault at all. If anything, we're all proud that you still gave it a shot despite what's going on at home…"
"But… I just wished I did better-"
"Enough," Nya simply said, effectively cutting off the three males at their table, who were all picking at their lunch trays. "What happened is the past. We can't dwell on it. What we should be concentrating on is new strategy plans or fit some physical training in the afternoons to practice for the remaining challenges, not just quiz questions and such."
"No can do, dojo is absolutely full," Lloyd sighed. "Even the courtyards are jammed packed and my father said no one is allowed to train in the forest."
"Did you forget that three teams just got cut off today? I'm sure there'll be more spaces available," Nya firmly stated. "And what we can do is have lunch extremely early and then train in the dojo when everyone else heads to lunch a bit later."
"Yeah… I guess we can do that," Jay said with a shrug. "Okay, everyone good to start this new training?"
"Yep, it's good with me," the blond confirmed… While Brad shook his head.
"Actually… I was going to ask you guys if it's alright for me to miss out the competition for the next three or four days. I decided I do want to head back home for my mother's funeral… Is that okay?"
"Of course, you must be crazy if you thought we would be mad at you for this," Jay reassuringly said as he gently rested a hand on Brad's shoulder. "Just take the time to heal and recover, okay? If you need to even drop out of the competition, Kai, Lloyd and I will be able to keep up with the others."
"Are you sure?" Brad nervously asked, timidly meeting their eyes.
"Of course," Lloyd said softly as he too, also rested a hand on Brad's shoulder.
"I… I won't drop out. I promise… But I do need these couple of days to grieve."
"Do what you need. Just know that we're here for you."
"Thanks guys… It means a lot."
.:Jay:.
It was only a couple hours after lunch when it began sprinkling. Little droplets of water gently strummed against the glass of their dorm window. But as the minutes went by, the water droplets began to grow bigger and fall more frequently. The light 'pitter patter' of rain turned into wet thuds as the icy water raced to meet the ground. The sprinkling turned into a torrential downpour.
Jay sighed as he leaned against the windowsill, allowing his cobalt blue eyes to wonder out to the landscape beyond his rain-blurred window, but he could only make out the faint outlines of the horizon, a couple trees and, honestly, that was it. However, that wasn't what he was looking for. He was waiting for the lightning… although it was taking its sweet time in making its appearance anytime soon.
But just as his eyes had adjusted to the darkened countryside -the steel grey clouds beginning to melt into the newly monochromatic landscape- there came a brilliant flash that flickered and died. It wasn't entirely a streaking bolt to the earth, but instead, more like a powerful camera flash that blanketed everything at once. Then, seconds later, came the rumbling thunder – a sound that resonated warmly within Jay's chest.
Jay never knew why but he was always so captivated by lightning – by how powerful this strike of dancing light could be. He would partially know, he did get struck by one a few years ago when he stupidly tried to go paragliding in the middle of a storm.
Yeah, definitely not a fun experience.
"… Jay?"
"Yeah?" He asked in response to Nya's voice which came through the closed bathroom door, while also noticing the water from the shower had stopped running.
"I forgot to grab a clean shirt…" She answered somewhat hesitantly. "Can you get one for me? In the second top drawer."
"Yeah, no problem," Jay replied as he leaned off the windowsill and headed towards Nya's drawers.
To be honest, he was a little reluctant. From movies, shows and books he had read and watched, girls kept a whole bunch of stuff in their closets, wardrobes and drawers. Like secret love letters, toys for private time, lingerie, and other stuff Jay couldn't believe to imagine. He didn't want to invade Nya's privacy or come across something he was not ready to see at all. But… he guessed if Nya asked him to, it should be alright, right?
So, he opened up the drawer that Nya had instructed him to and was met with clothes neatly folded. Nothing scandalous. Nothing scarring. Good.
Majority of the tops and sweaters she had in this drawer were red, black, dark grey or grey… But he was surprised to see a blue shirt – standing out from the other colours. Jay picked it up, slightly tilting his head and also realising that the shirt was a feminine shirt from the curvature cut in the sides.
But why blue?
"Hey Nya?"
"Jay, I just asked for a shirt."
"I know… I just wanted to ask if blue is your favourite colour."
"… Yeah, it is," Nya answered hesitantly.
For some odd reason, hearing that Nya's favourite colour was blue placed a smile onto Jay's face, and made his heart light up from within his chest. Maybe it was because he and Nya finally had something in common – their favourite colour. In all honesty, he and the mysterious girl had nothing in common… well, maybe apart from their similar interests in robotics and engineering.
Nevertheless, he walked over to the door and held the shirt right next to the handle before turning his back to the door and closing his eyes.
"Okay, here's the shirt. My back is to the door and my eyes are closed."
He listened carefully; from the soft footfalls of Nya's feet against the bathroom to the hesitant opening on the door.
"… You grabbed the blue shirt?"
"You said blue is your favourite colour. You should wear it more often."
"Yeah… whatever." He heard her grumble as she took the shirt out of his hand and shut the bathroom door.
By now, Jay was pretty used to Nya's grouchy attitude, but he honestly preferred her teasing and more carefree personality – like yesterday morning when she laughed at him kissing his pillow and pulling off an erection in his sleep.
With a small sigh, he headed back to the drawer, realising he didn't even close it… But before he could, an old piece of paper caught his attention, sticking out of the side of a knitted red sweater.
Again, Jay's curiosity went through the roof. He could feel his hand twitch by his side to reach over to pick up the paper and read or see what was on it. Perhaps a letter? A note? A picture?
"… Damn you, curiosity," Jay hissed quietly as he quickly reached in and take out the red sweater.
He immediately took notice of the fragility of the knitwear – confusing Jay as to why Nya would even keep such a piece of clothing around. Nevertheless, Jay treated it as if it was glass. If Nya kept it, it must hold some sort of sentimental value to her… And maybe the reason why she had this piece of paper in it.
Jay gently slipped the paper from within the sweater, making sure the corner of the paper didn't get caught on any yarn. Once he was certain the sweater was in the exact same condition as of when he had grabbed it, he then turned his attention on the paper… which turned out to be a letter of some sorts.
I never had any reason to worry about the future. Everything was great. Everything was perfect. Perfect family, perfect life and perfect everything. It's amazing how one life-changing event can change everything. Now, I always worry about the future. I'm not sure if it was because of my young mind and lack of wisdom, but I never gave thought to all the time that was enclosed my life into only a small speck in a timeline. I had so much time. So much time that I let it slip through my fingers like sand. So much time that I watched it drain like water in a tub. So much time that I let it vanish like a magician in an act. So much time I watched it dissolve like a mirage across a desert. So much time I stood as it flew across the empty horizon. I realise that I had so much time, but I wasted it. I wasted time that could have been spent making long ever-lasting memories with the most influential people on my life. I worry for the future because now, because I realised that for some of us, today might be our last tomorrow. Hopefully, I won't make the same mistakes… For now, I promise to keep making longer lasting memories-
Jay didn't get to finish the rest of the letter. He wished he did because he was so absorbed in Nya's writing… So absorbed that he didn't hear the bathroom door open or that she had stormed to him.
"What are you doing?" She venomously snapped, so venomous that Jay seriously thought he was going to die shortly because if looks could kill as well, he would be dead by the numerous of daggers Nya were throwing from her eyes.
Jay didn't even get the opportunity to answer. He only managed to get his mouth open when Nya carefully snatched the folded sweater from him before holding it possessively to her chest and… tears in her eyes? For a moment, Jay didn't care that he was about to be verbally murdered by Nya because the pain of being murdered that way couldn't compare to the spark of pain within his chest from seeing Nya with those tears.
The last time he saw Nya cry was when she had that nightmare… Previous times it was with other nightmares or when she briefly talked about her parents' death or when… or when she told him the truth about her past and her brother. For her to be crying over a sweater… It definitely had to be something sentimental… something to do with her brother or her parents and this note.
"I didn't ask you to go through my things! I only asked for a shirt!"
"N-Nya, I-I'm sorry-"
"Sorry doesn't cut it!" She spat, quickly shoving him to the side and placing the sweater with hurried care into the drawer before closing it shut.
"I know but I'm sorry-"
"Just why?!" She shouted, whipping around to face him with frustrated tears gathering in her eyes, stunning him into silence. "Why, Jay? Why?! Why did it have to be this that you and your damn curiosity had to go looking into?!"
The emotions that Nya were showing did nothing but make Jay feel a tidal wave of sadness… To know that for him simply holding this sweater would cause her to unleash this. It was no doubt that this knitwear was important to Nya…
Not knowing what to say, Jay just simply held the note up. He knew no apology would calm Nya of her sudden wrath. He knew his stuttering to find words would only irritate her more.
Jay expected Nya to explode when he held the note up, seeing how he probably read an extremely personal note of hers, but instead, he watched as her rage and sadness faded away within a couple of seconds as confusion washed over her face.
"What's that?"
"It's your note… from within your sweater," Jay timidly explained as he handed over the paper.
"But… I never put in a note in there," Nya murmured, taking the paper from him and then her eyes glazing over the paper.
Time seemed to slow down then because every second to Jay felt like it was taking an eternity… But it did present Jay with the perfect opportunity to observe Nya as she read the note.
He watched as her perfect amber orbs flickered across the note, taking in the words that appeared to be unfamiliar to her. Yet, just like moments ago, those beautiful eyes of hers started to glaze over with a glassy layer of tears again… But these weren't tears of sadness. To Jay, it looked to be tears of sadness and pain. Tears slid down her cheeks as she blinked, but when she bit her lip tightly in attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from her mouth, Jay found himself starting to tear up.
Maybe minutes had passed when Jay started to notice the tremble in Nya's body as her eyes went further down the paper. She wasn't just trying to hold back any sounds anymore – it was like she was trying to hold herself from breaking apart completely. Her arms had withdrawn towards her body as her trembling hands tightly held onto the paper.
"… Nya?" Jay asked hesitantly, but worriedly.
His voice had seemed to surprise her since her eyes rapidly looked up from the paper and to meet his eyes. Never had he seen such sorrow and pain in Nya's eyes.
But suddenly, the tears burst forth like water from a dam. Tear after tear spilled down her face. The muscles in her chin trembled like a small child – this was enough for Jay to no longer see Nya as a strong yet haunted girl, but a broken girl who had her innocence and childhood taken away from her… a girl who endured through the worst.
It was pure instinct that made Jay took a couple strides forward and pull the crying girl into his chest with his arms around her comfortingly… and she didn't even resist. Instead, it was like brick by brick, her walls came crumbling down. No longer was there Nya, the girl who tried to appear strong, who masked her pain and sadness behind a mask of her brother or a mask of anger. In his arms was just a broken shell of a girl. She was openly sobbing into his chest unceasingly. Her hands were clutching at the front of his shirt, as if trying to ground herself, as if trying to prevent herself from falling apart even more.
Jay could only hold her silently. His arms held her close and didn't dared to let go – kind of as a reminder that he was there, to support her always. He softly swayed the two of them, hoping the gentle motion would soothe her tears… but they didn't. Instead, they kept coming, spilling from her eyes and soaking into his shirt.
Moments after that, Nya pulled away, as if having a tiny lapse. Her amber eyes looked up at him, so full of agony, while her lashes were heavy with tears… before she broke apart again and continued to cry into his chest, her howls of misery worsening. Her pain must have come in waves as minutes of sobbing were broken apart by short pauses of recovering breaths, before hurling back into the out-stretched arms of her grief.
It didn't take long for the tears to leave Jay's eyes as well.
.::.
Jay sighed.
His sigh was softly deflating; it was as if tension had lifted yet left him with melancholy instead of relief.
He stood back from Nya's bed, after tucking the sleeping girl underneath the covers. It had seemed thirty minutes of continuous crying really took a toll on Nya's body since she had fallen asleep in his arms while they were both still standing up… more like while Jay stood and supported all of Nya's weight. Not that he minded. Jay would like to think Nya would return the favour if he was to be in grief like she was, but it was very likely she wouldn't – yet Jay still couldn't bring himself to care. She needed comfort and support, he was more than willing to give that to her.
But once again, curiosity consumed him. It made his eyes look over to the ground where Nya had dropped the piece of paper, which must be a letter from either her brother or parents that she had never seen. A part of Jay was dying to read it… but at the same time, it was a personal letter of Nya's.
Don't. If you read it and Nya finds out, she's going to be pissed.
Of course, did Jay ever listen to reasoning or logical sense when it came to programmatic situations like this? Never.
So, Jay walked over to the letter and picked it up, resuming where he had last read off.
Hopefully, I won't make the same mistakes… For now, I promise to keep making longer lasting memories for you, Nya.
I guess if you have found this letter, and reading it now, it means I'm dead... also meaning I haven't completed my promise. Never, ever, would I ever leave you alone like this, Nya – especially not while we're on the run but life is unpredictable… the future is unpredictable. All what we can do for the future is prepare for it, so I guess I'm writing this to prepare you or to help you, because I know you. I know losing me will be your breaking point. Losing our parents is hard enough. Living with an abusive uncle is hard enough. Going on the run is hard enough. But to lose the last person you have left? That's breaking point… And I know if I ever lost you, I would be destroyed beyond ways ever imagined. Why? Because you're my sweet little sister. The sister who hates failing. Who hates anything that isn't perfect. Who's so fiercely determined, intelligent and stubborn. Who's so compassionate, sensitive, caring and loving. I know we had our fights when we were younger, but I honestly wouldn't want another sister.
I love you, Nya. I need you to really know that. I love you so much that all I want is for your happiness. That's why I tried to take the hits from Aidan instead of you getting it because I hated seeing you in pain. That's why I wanted us to run because I hated seeing you so miserable in that hellhole. But this is also why I'm writing this.
I know my death, losing the last person you have, will destroy you. I know bearing this burden while living on the streets will cause you to lose hope and even go depressed… But I want to tell you to not be. It's going to be hard. It's going to take time -lots of time- but life have so much opportunity. Have you ever heard that saying, you know, the one that says, "when you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up"? Well, you're at rock bottom, and you might stay at rock bottom for a while, but I know for a fact that things will eventually look up for you.
All I want is for you to be happy. I don't want you to live the rest of your years down in the dumps because I know the best you is when you're happy – and that's when you shine the best. I know life will be difficult with Aidan on the lookout for us… well for you but people like him give up. He will eventually stop and that's when you can live your life. Live in a new town or village, live as a new person if you want. Just as long as you move on with your life and be happy, I'll be happy.
Remember what I told you about the red sweater you knitted for me? I said it was perfect because of the effort you put into it. Because of your determination to make it as perfect as possible for me. Because you never gave up on trying your best. People like you never give up, so I don't ever want you to give up now that I'm gone. I don't want you to lose sight of who you are. I want you to live life to the fullest for Mum, Dad and I. I want you to be happy for Mum, Dad and I. I want you to be you.
I love you, Nya. I just wish that you never have to read this letter.
…
Jay was lost for words. He numbly sat on his bed, letter hanging loosely from his hands.
This was something from the real Kai. The Kai that Nya had been impersonating. The only thing that Jay knew about the real Kai was… was nothing really. Jay only remembered seeing a glimpse at what the real Kai looked like, but to be honest, Jay couldn't really remember the difference between the real Kai and the Kai that Nya had been impersonating since when he saw the photo at the time, he thought the Kai that was in the photo was actually Nya.
… And dang, his stupid curiosity wanted to see that photo again.
Jay got up and headed to Nya's desk where her school blazer was hanging off the back of the chair. He immediately reached in and felt the texture of the tattered photos against his fingers, so he pulled it both out.
Observing it now, Jay could spot the differences between the real Kai and the fake Kai. Obviously, the real Kai was taller, with more muscles and a better upper body build… Probably from helping the family around the blacksmith shop that Nya told Jay that they had owned. His face didn't have the feminine facial features like Nya did… Heck, if the real Kai actually came to their school and also went over to Misako's academy for that joint project, Jay, Lloyd and Cole would have no chance with the girls – especially with those faint scars on Kai's face since chicks dig scars.
But… Jay looked at the massive grin on the guy's face and struggled to picture that smiling and bright happy face writing that heart-breaking letter. To imagine that Kai and Nya both used to wear that big of a smile before their parents' death.
And Nya back then… She looked so happy. She was on Kai's back, her arms over his shoulders and interlocking in front of his chest while his arms had grabbed underneath her legs to keep her propped up. Her natural raven hair was long, ending at her shoulders. Her face was a lot fuller, there was not a slightest trace of sleep deprive from underneath her eyes, and, there was a smile on her lips – a genuine massive and happy smile.
Jay wanted nothing more than to get that smile back on Nya's face… and to help her achieve what Kai wanted for her – for her to be happy, to move on and to just be herself.
*crickets chirping* So… I guess hi everyone? I know I promised I wouldn't be gone for long but when my mental state seemed to be getting so much better, it'll get knocked back much worse. Like one step forward, ten steps back kind of thing. So I got better, then worse. Gone to see psychologist (who I must say is absolutely lovely and really understands me so well) and it's helping me. I know a lot of people think going to a psychologist is for the weak, or it won't help you, but it does. It won't straight away, but eventually it will.
But to make up for my long absence, I've written this long chapter for you all!
BUT just because I've updated now, it won't mean I'll be back to updating every week. Maybe every fortnight or once every three-four weeks. I'm off university for the whole year due to me wanting to concentrate on my mental health, along with focusing on work and I've changed my degrees so I can do a double bachelor – WHICH ONE IS CREATIVE WRITING SO I CANNOT WAIT!
But reason for this is also because I need to work desperately for money as I need SIX WISDOM TEETH removed. Yep. Six. No joke – although the x-ray looks wicked and awesome haha. I neeed $3500 for the surgery so I'm trying to work my butt off to get it all sorted.
Anyway, thank you all for the reviews for chapter 17! I'm glad you all loved the extra characteristiation I'm adding to Brad and that you all loved that beginning scene – I'll make sure to add more later! ;)
Anyway, I love you all and I cannot wait to see you all again in two weeks when I post! (And little spoiler for next chapter, we get some more Zane and Nya! Along with talks of the elements ;) )
Until next time, xoxo, ZaneLoverFan88