6- The Soft, Calm and Quiet

"It is just our third date!"

"And you didn't even kiss?"

"Wha - When did you kiss mother?"

His father waved a hand. "Our relationship was quite backward - it being an arranged marriage and all."

This time, Akashi heard his gasp. He spilled more tea to his shirt with his sudden jerk.

"Wha - whe - I don't -"

"Yeah, we didn't tell you." His father smiled with a faraway look. Akashi put his mug to the table and leaned forward: His father was going to talk about his mother. "By the time we had you, we loved each other so much that it didn't matter. And after she was - gone - you weren't," he waved a hand, "arranged marriage material."

Not high enough in the family hierarchy, with the real Akashi blood parent gone, that he was worth an arranged marriage. But his mother was the family head's daughter and his father was an ambitious, young, successful businessman -

So successful that even with his wife gone, he was still managing an Akashi company.

(Why didn't he think of this before?)

His mind knew this was a detail and quite an unimportant one at this point but Akashi looked into his father's eyes with an unvoiced yearning to hear more. After a glance at him, his father left his seat, instead.

"In the beginning, I couldn't understand her," he said, putting his empty mug next to the boiler and pressing its button. "Akashi family was famous for their ambition: 'Their blood is as red as their hair,' people said about them, 'boiling with passion, daring and - madness.'" Father sent him a grin, Akashi's lips twitched. "But your mother was the opposite. She would sit in the library and read the day away; so soft, calm and quiet - except in her anger - that she couldn't be a part of this family."

Akashi smiled, remembering his mother sitting at the sidelines and watching his first basketball tries with patience, cheering softly when he scored and applauding him when he managed dribble without falling. She would be with him until father returned home and it was time for dinner.

"Then her calming presence started to get to me; being with her was relaxing. She seduced me by quietly sitting next to me in the library, as cliche as it -"

Akashi didn't hear the rest - his heart jumped to his throat. He covered his mouth with a shaking hand and his eyes watered - this was the scene - he had put Kuroko in it -

"Seijuro!" His father held his shoulders. Akashi's bottom lip trembled. He put his other hand over his heart and hunched his shoulders.

"Son, what is going on?"

"I loved sitting in the library with you," he mumbled to his father's chest. "You'd sit next to each other and sometimes glance and smile at each other. I loved those moments."

"Yes, those were fine times." His father rubbed his upper arms to encourage him. Akashi took a shaky breath to stabilize himself when his lip wobbled again. His eyes burned.

"I - I imagine a scene like that - for my future - I didn't remember you and mother! - I am in your place - and now Kuroko is at mother's."

He raised his head when his father didn't say anything; his expression was blank. Akashi sniffed.

Finally, his father slowly opened his mouth and said: "What is the problem here?"

"It is not Kuroko, it is my mother! I put his face on memory because he is also quiet and kind. And this scene was why I pursued this relationship but it was just my mind playing games - and reflecting mother."

"So, you saw your mother in your boyfriend. It is quite normal."

"And so unfair to Kuroko."

His father rose and pulled his chair to his side. Then, putting a hand to Akashi's knee, asked, "How so, Seijuro?"

"I started this relationship because he fit in that scene, father."

"And now you think you only reflected your mother's personality on to your boyfriend."

Akashi nodded to the ground, feeling miserable. His father hummed in thought, patting and petting his knee.

"Surely your imagined future isn't one scene?"

Akashi nodded and shrugged.

"Does he suit others?"

"Someone with mother's personality suits all of them," Akashi grumbled.

"Yet you know he is not exactly like your mother."

"No, he is not," he said, reluctant. "He is kind but so stubborn; quiet and observant but doesn't hesitate to use them to win and more straightforward than any Akashi could get."

"Then, what is the problem?"

He sighed and looked into his father's dark red eyes. This kind look suited him - as did the suppressed smile on his lips at his teenage drama. For some reason, it was the smile that encouraged Akashi.

"What if I think I like him, but I only like the parts of my mom in him?"

His father's lips twitched again, this time into a full-blown wide smile. He put his heavy hand to Akashi's head - Akashi was reminded of his pre-school years where he patted his head every evening with a proud smile before receiving a welcome back kiss from his mother. "You are so considerate and thoughtful - definitely your mother's son." He messed with his hair; Akashi's eyes filled again, this time for a different reason. "Think, son, on how you smiled and blushed all evening because someone held your hand. Would you do it if your feelings weren't genuine?"

"Can't I imagine it - like I believe myself liking someone and my body start to respond to it?"

His father chuckled. "If things worked like that, life would have been much easier, let me tell you. If you want proof, imagine other people with your mother's characteristics, and see if you like them. The other phantom player in your team, for example - he must share some attributes."

Mayuzumi-san? Akashi wrinkled his nose. Thank you very much.

Now that the crisis was over, his father went over to prepare his tea, quietly laughing at Akashi's expression on the way.

Kind, quiet and soft?

For kind and soft - Mibuchi? Akashi could see them as lifelong friends. But he could never see him doing Kuroko's interrogation at their first date, resulting in an unbalanced relationship where Akashi could manipulate him where he wanted to. Akashi didn't want that kind of relationship.

Midorima, maybe, for quiet and kind? He shook his head when he remembered their game at the Winter Cup and Midorima's borderline hostile looks. To be fair, Akashi wasn't at his friendliest too but - well - even when he practically played with his team like a cat with a mouse until Kagami's Zone, Kuroko never glared at him with spite - and he did as many declarations on that game as ever, maybe more, it being the finals.

Also, his chest tinged every time he recalled his friends' shout to support Kuroko at the game as if Akashi was some sort of villain.

Dismissing the rest of his middle school teammates, Akashi thought of his classmates, other club mates and acquaintances that might suit the description - and relaxing when none of them sounded even the tiniest bit attractive to him. He gave a relieved breath and wiped his face.

His father announced his return with the clink of the mug on the wooden table and the scent of cinnamon. Then, with a smile, he sat down.

"Crisis over?"

"I think so," he said, back to his embarrassed smiles.

"It is not like you to doubt yourself. If you keep on questioning your emotions, your relationship won't have a strong foundation to build on."

Akashi looked at his mug; a nice, hot tea sounded good now. "We are still sorting out our emotions."

His father frowned. "I thought he confessed to you."

"Yes," Akashi choked. How much detail did his father know?

"So you are the one sorting?"

He nodded. It earned him another pat to the head.

"You look quite happy in your relationship to me." Akashi felt a tingling warmth at his limbs. "Our hearts are strong and resolute but our minds - especially ours - need some time to catch up. Don't overthink your emotions, Seijuro."

Akashi loved talking to his father in the corner of their kitchen where outsiders can't see them. He can see the man his mother must have loved. Bright, happy and lighthearted, Akashi grinned at him.

"So, when should I introduce Kuroko to you?"

His father laughed.

—

While he was walking to his dorm room, Akashi told the mortified tale of his conversation with his father to Kuroko. He talked quietly, careful not to be eavesdropped; with his luck, Coach would hear of this too -

He didn't worry about Kuroko's side; no one could understand anything in between his laughter. Closing his dorm room door behind him, Akashi leaned on it and smiled at Kuroko's breathless gasps coming from the phone.

Then, started giggling because, even through his embarrassment, Kuroko's laughter was contagious. He threw his bag aside and sat on the ground, shaking with mirth.

When they calmed down, he crossed his legs on where he was, not bothering to move to his desk chair or bed.

"How did your parents react?" He asked.

"I didn't tell them yet," Kuroko said with a smile in his voice. Akashi felt his slipping off his face.

"Oh," he said. Then swallowed and rubbed his knee. "I am your secret boyfriend?"

"Everybody around me knows, expect them. I am still teased at the practices."

With a sinking feeling, Akashi asked, "Why not tell them too, then?"

The other end of the line silenced. Akashi looked at his small room of one desk and bed; the smallest bedroom of their Tokyo manor was five times this room's size. It was one of the guest bedrooms.

Akashi pulled his knees and put his forehead to them, feeling powerless as he waited for Kuroko's decision. He had accepted his place in life - but it wasn't easy -

"They would get nervous," Kuroko said, finally.

He sighed. "Because I am an Akashi."

"Yes and no. Yes because, well, you are not middle-class and they wouldn't know what to do around you. But mostly it is not your surname but who you are - they know you from middle school, Akashi-kun."

His hands clenched. "The third year."

"No, not that." Kuroko paused and then choosing his words carefully, said: "You shine like a star, Akashi-kun."

When nothing else came, Akashi said a hesitant, "so?"

"With my low presence and your bright one -"

"I would outshine you."

"Yes."

Akashi blinked and raised his head. "I don't understand how it translates to daily life." Kuroko had a low presence; he wasn't meek or shy. He dared to bite his lip with cautious hope. "I get that they worry about an unbalanced relationship - but I don't see the how."

"You think everybody is as confident as you, Akashi-kun," Kuroko said.

"I am not -"

"Imagine a life where people see right through you. Whatever you do, they just…don't notice you. It is not the best place to gain confidence."

"But you are not-"

"I mean my mother." Akashi's mouth closed with a snap. This was the first time he heard Kuroko talk about his parents. "My low presence comes from her and if I am someone difficult to notice, she is like a ghost. Before she got married, she wasn't allowed to cross roads alone because drivers didn't notice her. Now, she always goes outside with father."

"How did your father notice her?"

"He saw a picture of her and searched for months." Kuroko sighed and then chuckled. "They were neighbors, Akashi-kun."

Akashi giggled. Then he covered his mouth, worried if he insulted Kuroko.

"Yeah, so, very bright people make them nervous."

"All your teammates are bright, Kuroko."

"Only in the court; outside they are just teenagers. While you are - like - if they were to give you a company tomorrow, it would only make you sigh at another job had to be done before you start to manage it like you were born to do it."

Akashi stood up and sat down to his desk chair. "It is not that easy."

"You know how it is like, Akashi-kun. My father is a low-position manager; he idealizes people like your father."

"So he would be happy about your choice of boyfriend."

Kuroko chuckled. "After some convincing, yes, he would be. Same with my mother and grandmother. It is just - I have to talk and explain over and over again -"

"And you don't want to do it until you are sure of our relationship. Of my emotions."

Kuroko was silent at the other end of the line. Akashi looked at his history homework on his desk, ready for tomorrow, without seeing it.

"What should I do to convince you?"

"Just tell me, believing with all your heart."

Akashi gave a bitter chuckle. "If I tell you now, how will you know how much of my heart is in it?"

"Akashi-kun, allow me to know you that much," Kuroko said, his voice stern. Akashi tried to relax his shoulders but instead, his heartbeat was speeding. With softer voice, Kuroko continued, "This is why we are taking it slow."

"But I don't want to take it slow!"

"Where will you take it fast, Akashi-kun? We are in our first year of high school - what difference would it make if we wait for a month, six months or a year?"

"It is -" A year? A whole year?

"And what will change if I tell my parents? We go on dates and talk in between -"

"It will be official."

Kuroko sighed. "It is just a bunch of conversations on my side, Akashi-kun."

"No," he shook his head and dragged his hand through his hair. "You will believe in our relationship's future. It will change everything."

"I've said it many times: I believe in you, Akashi-kun."

"But you don't believe in us!"

Kuroko silenced. Akashi tried to slow down his breathing and wiped his forehead. He looked at the ceiling; his upper neighbor was pacing in his room.

"I am just - I don't mean to -"

"No, you are right, Akashi-kun. I don't believe we could have a future together."

Akashi's breath shuttered to a stop. His eyes watered and he had to cover his mouth so Kuroko wouldn't hear the tiny voice he made.

What - what was he - what was the point -?

"I am being very, very unfair to you, Akashi-kun. I have issues and because of them, I am wasting both of our times." Akashi pressed his hand harder and distanced the phone so Kuroko wouldn't hear his gasping breaths. "I have to solve them before we further this relationship - so we can further this relationship. Do you hear me, Akashi-kun? Are you okay?"

He made an affirmative sound, as wet as it was.

"We are still boyfriends, okay? I will come this weekend and tomorrow, our phone call after the practice remains - right? Akashi-kun, please say something."

"Okay," he said is a small voice. "I have - homework and -"

"Right," Kuroko said, voice still high. He breathed out. "Okay." Akashi wanted him to finish the phone call already. "Akashi-kun, I still like you very much and - and we will have a wonderful date at the weekend. There, we will talk."

"Okay," he mumbled. Then, softer, he said, "I like you too."

"Oh, Akashi-kun. I know. See you Saturday."

"Bye, Kuroko."

The line clicked when Kuroko ended the call. Putting his phone aside, Akashi looked at his finished homework with empty eyes for some time. Then, sniffed, straightened his shoulders and walked to his bag.

He had homework to do. And if he was used to working while feeling like crying -

It was fine.