Kohana felt as though her body were plugged into a furnace. Heat radiated from somewhere on her left, molten rock oozing up into her shoulder, spilling from there into the rest of her. Her blood was lava, each labored breath was like breathing in an oven. She felt the beads of sweat pooling at every corner of her body, steam escaping from a boiling pot.
Too hot…it's too hot…
The heat had long since risen to her head, muddling her already scattered thoughts. She had awoken once or twice before, very briefly, but now she could no longer discern the waking world from her fevered dreams. Her cheeks burned like two hot coals fresh from the fire, she saw their flames burn upwards, scorching her forehead and turning the blackened bone beneath to dust.
"This is bad," she heard someone speak from above, "everything we've tried hasn't worked; the taint from her wound is possessing her body."
Kohana couldn't place the voice, but it sounded formal, almost military. Was it a samurai? She thought she'd seen samurai around, but that didn't make any sense. Seiko's village was isolated, there weren't any samurai here.
Wait…no we left Seiko's village, didn't we?
She was stung with a sudden sense of panic. Everyone was in danger, Futeki was in the woods, she'd seen the body, Naraku had killed him…or hadn't he? The little hanyou's soul was out there somewhere, she thought she could sense it. She had to find him, her son wasn't safe; she saw the long grip of death reaching forward, clawed hands searching for her child.
"My baby," she panted weakly, her hot breath scorching her cracked lips, "Where's my baby?"
"The fever is making her delirious, I'm afraid you don't have any other choice."
"What are you suggesting, vermin?" A second voice spoke up, this one more familiar to Kohana. Like steel and silk, both dangerous and comforting, she'd heard this voice in a dream. Except the dream sounded as though it stood only a few feet away from her, and it sounded angry.
"I…well," the first voice gulped nervously, "Sir," he sounded very unsure of the word, "I've seen my share of battle wounds, and this one's as bad as they come. I know you rejected the idea before, but you have to understand, she's not like…like your kind, she's human. There's nothing else that can be done! Amputation is her only hope, and at this point that might not even save her!"
Kohana heard the growl before he spoke, a frightful sound that promised bloodshed.
"Get out."
"By putting it off you're killing her! You can't let her stay like this!"
There was the sound, almost like a sudden gust of wind, followed by a choking cough and a gurgling noise. The first voice was wheezing, and Kohana felt a pungent wave of fear fill the air.
"Go fetch the priestess," the silk voice commanded, though now it had suddenly become ice, "Do not return, or these claws will bring your miserable life to an end." There was a soft thump. The first voice coughed violently, but the noise faded with his fleeing footsteps.
Curious as to what was happening, Kohana tried to open her eyes, but it felt as though the heat had welded them shut. The best she could manage was a weak flutter and a brief glimpse through her lashes. There was someone nearby, a very tall white figure stood guard over her supine form.
A dog.
Her fevered mind brought forth the image of a massive white dog, and she felt that she knew him. The heated lava flooded her body, but the dog was watching over her. He intended to stay by her side until she succumbed to the volcano, she knew he would.
But what would happen after that? Where was Futeki?
"Please," she whispered, "My baby…"
She felt the dog's eyes on her. She heard him speak, but her mind was already descending back into the steamy haze, she could not make out what his words were.
Her mind tossed and turned in fevered dreams again, haunting images dancing about her exhausted soul. The forest burned around her, death and destruction lay in her wake. Each step she took was an explosion of heat that tore the earth.
The dog was there, leaping through the sky. His fur bristled, lips pulled back in a snarl as he angrily bared his fangs to a mysterious foe that stood before him. Focused on his battle, he couldn't see the shadow that was hungrily looming behind him.
Kohana cried out, trying to warn him, but as she did a bolt of lightning shot from her hand and struck the dog through the heart. He fell to the ground, a wave of scarlet staining his beautiful snowy fur, and the shadow descended upon him. He was devoured within seconds, nothing left but a broken pile of bones.
No…No this can't be happening…
Not again!
"No," she moaned aloud, her breath scorching her mouth like steam, "No, don't go…"
"The young man was correct," Kohana heard a voice next to her, familiar and elderly. A cold hand touched her forehead, and she felt the fire in her skull surge against it, "Her fever has gotten worse, the infection is trying to consume her."
"Here Kaede," another familiar person spoke, this one younger. The sound of her voice reminded Kohana of tenderness and laughter, "I brought more water." There was the sound of splashing, and then a freezing pressure was placed on Kohana's forehead. The wet cloth was warm within moments, it was as useful as a raindrop against a bonfire.
"Is there anything that can be done?" It was the dog again, he was still here. His silk tone lacked some of the steel this time, in fact he almost sounded…defeated? Scared? That wasn't right, her dog was indestructible.
No. He isn't.
She saw the bolt strike him through the heart once more.
I destroyed him.
The elderly woman sighed deeply, uncertainty made evident in that one breath.
"The wound has healed incorrectly, trapping the infection within. I'm afraid there's nothing we can do without mutilating her further," she spoke at last, "Removing the arm would be the simplest thing to do, but if the infection has already spread into the rest of her then that will do little to help. Doing so would also risk her bleeding to death."
"Is there anything we can do without…taking the arm?" The younger woman asked, "Maybe there's some way of getting the infection out that we haven't tried?"
"…I know of one," The elder answered hesitantly, "But in doing so, there is still a chance that she could bleed to death. If it does not succeed then it will be too late to remove the arm to save her. Also…it will be just as painful, if not more."
"And…there's nothing we can give her to numb the pain…is there," the younger guessed aloud, a tremor of horror creeping into her voice, "She's too weak to survive being forcibly knocked out."
"Aye."
There was a pause, to two women waiting expectantly for an answer. Kohana was dimly aware that she should be concerned with this conversation, but her mind was too hazy to put the pieces together and anticipate where this was going. Her thoughts drifted back and forth between the horrible fate of the white dog, and how her eyes felt as though they were made of hot sandpaper.
"Do what you must," the dog answered at last. At his command, the atmosphere seemed to suddenly change, apprehension and fear changed to cold business. The elderly woman began reciting a list of herbs and tools for the younger to fetch. It could have been a few seconds or several years later, Kohana had no sense of time, before there was the sound of boiling water.
Boiling…we're both boiling…
Something was added to the water, and a pungent herbal scent began to fill the air. This wafted around her, and Kohana had the impression that a wave of green was flowing over her charred and blackened body. The dog was still nearby though, pristine and white as always.
Except when he's covered in blood.
The sound of scraping metal reminded her of a butcher. Wasn't she the butcher though? She hadn't needed a knife when she tore out his heart.
I didn't want to do it.
I didn't want to kill you.
"Here," the younger girl spoke, "I brought this. I thought…she might need something to bite down on."
Cold hands touched Kohana's jaw, she made no resistance when her mouth was pulled open and a thick cloth was placed between her teeth. Her breath billowed against the cloth, trapping the hot air in her dry mouth. Perhaps she would turn to ash soon, float away into nothingness with the next cool breeze.
"Everything's set," the elderly woman's voice had lost all apprehension, only the steely resolve to complete her task, "There's just one more thing. She needs to be restrained. She seems weak at the moment, but if she tries to fight me once I've started…"
Without a word, the dog moved towards her. Kohana felt her head being lifted, before something solid slid under her and she rest against it. An iron bar, that's what it felt like, came over top of her and rested against her chest, gripping both of her shoulders. A clawed hand, cool to the touch, reached forward and gripped her right arm.
The iron bar, the clawed hand, she sensed an overwhelming amount of strength in them. She knew she could not escape, not even the power of an entire army could break that grip. A sudden sense of being trapped quickened her pulse, just as she felt the icy pressure of the young woman's grip holding her legs.
What's going on?
"Proceed," the dog said, his tone entirely steel.
Suddenly alert, as though she sensed a disaster about to occur, Kohana's eyes fluttered open. She realized at once that it wasn't an iron bar across her chest, but an arm. An identical arm gripped her on the right, and she knew she was being held by someone. The woman holding her feet down was Kagome, but she was staring worriedly towards Kohana's left.
A glance in that direction, and Kohana suddenly understood the source of the heat was no furnace. Her left arm, if it could be called that, was purple and swollen. Yellow pockets of pus covered the limb, her flesh looked like a grotesque horror show in which someone had tried to melt it off. Her elbow bent the wrong way, her wrist was swollen beyond recognition, and her stomach heaved at the sight of it.
What…what happened?!
She spied the knife a second before it plunged into her sickly flesh.
The cloth in her mouth proved useful, it was several long moments before Kohana even realized that she was screaming. Flashes of white exploded behind her eyes, blood pounded in her ears, her body trembled and convulsed, but that iron grip held her captive. She was immobile, helpless against the knife that carved down the length of her wounded limb.
After several long agonizing minutes, during which Kohana's throat quickly became raw from her pained shrieking, the knife was finally pulled from her. She panted, tears streaming from her eyes as a sob choked out from beneath her cloth. The grip holding her shoulders and other arm was like a vice, whoever held her seemed to be immune to the sounds of her torture.
The worst had yet to happen.
The pungent scent of herbs struck her nose once more, as a ladle of the boiling liquid was carefully brought over. Steam curled from the top of the cup, an evil spirit laughing maliciously, and horrified sweat broke out all over Kohana's body. Before she could beg them to stop, the liquid was poured into her gaping wound.
It was as if the sun had exploded inside her. Her ears were ringing, she became deaf to her own sobbing and screaming. That was only the first wave, a few moments later another cup of the boiling liquid was poured into her arm. And another. And another.
By the fifth time, her back arched against her will, tilting her head back until she looked straight into the yellow eyes of her captor. His body was like stone, his grip unrelenting, but the anguished look in his golden gaze proved that he was not immune to her pain. Far from it.
But she couldn't see that.
She saw the dog once more, his heart exploding in her grasp, falling into a pool of his own blood. She had one final thought before her broken soul could take no more and she blacked out from the pain:
Is this your revenge?!
Kohana could barely remember a time when she didn't feel pain. Her waking hours were spent suffering from the throbbing ache in her arm, her right fist would clench in response to it. With utter despair she realized that though the left was plagued with an unrelenting pain, it lay perpetually motionless. Any attempt by her to even so much as twitch her left fingers was met with a white hot bolt of agony, the limb itself remaining completely unresponsive.
She found no respite in sleep, her dreams took her back to the knife cutting into her flesh. That or the reoccurring horror of the dead dog.
Sometimes both.
But, despite her suffering, the fever eventually receded. The heat left, her lungs drank air freely, her blood cooled…she was impossibly weak, a heavy weariness had settled into her bones, but the heat had not claimed her.
Though she felt like a burned corpse, she was still alive. Kohana didn't know what to make of it.
Kagome and Kaede came by daily to feed and tend to her wounds. Kohana drank broth at their coaxing, but never any more than what they pestered her into taking. She had no appetite, a heavy fog of shame clung to her soul, and she refused to speak when either one of them talked to her.
The only time she reacted with any significance was when they changed the bandages on her wounded arm. Though they tried to be as gentle as possible, any touch still hurt horribly. What hurt worse though was seeing the mangled limb for the brief instant when it lay exposed and uncovered. It was as if someone had forcibly sewn a decaying piece of meat to her shoulder; it was bent awkwardly, the flesh was bruised yellow and purple, a long puckered gash that was crudely stitched ran the length of it.
It was one of the most hideous things Kohana had ever seen in her life, and it would forever be a part of her. Each time she saw it she couldn't help but bite her lip and visibly wince at the sight, and yet she refused to look away.
The outside reflects the in, she thought bitterly. Deep in her memories she recalled screams of terror, the choking scent of blood, the atrocities and violence that her hands had personally wrought upon innocent people. On her friends.
This broken arm would serve as a permanent reminder of the horrible person she truly was.
"Kohana, you've got to eat," Kagome encouraged her one evening after Kohana turned away from another bowl of broth, "You won't get any better if you don't have something to fuel your body."
What's the point?
"I know it seems difficult," the miko continued, "Ronuku had a tough time too, but he got past this. If he can do it, you can too."
A weak glimmer of interest piqued Kohana's heart. Her gaze, dull and lifeless, turned to face the soft smile of her friend. Kagome's kindness felt blinding, Kohana almost shrank away from it and receded into the dark shelter of her blankets.
"How is Ronuku?" Her voice croaked from disuse, but curiosity over her brother's fate managed to surpass the exhaustion of speaking.
"He's doing well," Kagome answered, "Sango and Kohaku have been taking care of him. If he keeps it up he just might be eating solid foods before Ryu and Aizou."
Kohana's eyebrows scrunched in confusion.
"Oh, that's right, you don't know yet. Sango gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl, they're all staying together while Ronuku heals."
"I see," Kohana mumbled, glad that Ronuku at least had been reunited with his family. She swallowed the lump in her throat, glancing around at the emptiness of her tent. A profound sense of loss weighed on her heart, and her jaw quivered at the sudden rush of emotion.
"You know, Futeki's waiting for you," Kagome said quietly after a moment, "If you eat and get strong enough he can come see you."
Kohana's heart nearly stopped. Her eyes widened, as she slowly turned back to the miko.
"H-he…he's alive?!"
"You didn't know?" Kagome looked surprised, "I thought…when we were in the jewel, I mean…didn't you see him?"
The last solid memory Kohana had of her son had been finding his broken corpse at the base of a tree. Everything past that seemed like a jumbled mess where dream blended so close into reality that she couldn't tell what exactly had been real and what hadn't. The only thing that had remained consistent was the bloodshed.
"Where…where is he?" Kohana asked, her voice wavering as tears began to pool in her eyes, "Where is my son?" Pushing against the pain that clawed through her body, Kohana hissed through her teeth and tried to sit up. Kagome placed a hand against her shoulder and pushed her back down with ease.
"No, it's okay," the miko said gently, "You don't have to get up; he's safe. He and Rin are staying on the other side of the camp. We thought it was best so that…well you need a quiet place to rest until you're better. I'm sure you know, he's got a lot more energy than the average toddler."
More like keep him away from the monster, is that it?! Kohana thought angrily, not missing Kagome's pause. She wanted nothing more in that moment to run out of the tent and search for her baby, but the stupid husk of a body she was trapped in was too weak to move. She was absolutely powerless to do anything.
"That's why you have to eat. The sooner you get stronger, the sooner he can see you."
The self-loathing desire to wither away into nothingness was strong, but motherhood was stronger. Kohana hated the wicked ugly creature that she had become, Naraku had tricked her into murdering people under the misguided notion that her son was dead, but if he wasn't…she absolutely had to see him. Only the sight of him in person would convince her soul that he truly was safe.
Kohana relented and accepted the broth, hating the awful flavor and the way her gut churned as it suddenly had to resume the nearly forgotten task of digesting food. Each spoonful made her queasier than the last.
She ate all of it.
From then on Kohana was no longer resistant to food, her desire to see her son the only thing that kept her willingly clinging to life. That didn't mean the heavy weight on her soul had lightened any. When Kagome and Kaede weren't there she had countless hours alone with her guilt, and one simple fact stung her heart more than the rest:
Sesshomaru was absent.
Unlike Futeki, she knew he was alive, that he had been instrumental in freeing her from Naraku's control. But the nightmares about the dog plagued her nearly every moment, she had been so certain that she'd killed him. If she had though, how was it that he was alive now?
But Futeki didn't die, maybe…maybe I was mistaken about that too?
The guilt in her heart didn't think so. Whatever had happened, she knew without a doubt that she had done something horrible to her husband. It was no wonder he didn't want to be around her.
…I don't want to be around me either.
If only she hadn't been so hasty, if only she hadn't let Naraku trick her…but he did, Kohana's weak heart had easily accepted that horrible lie as reality. That mistake had broken her body, her left arm crippled and useless. It had broken her soul, and now she realized that it had broken her family. Everything was permanently shattered because she had been foolish and weak.
I left so I could become stronger, not destroy everything! Seiko's training…all that work…it was for nothing.
I never should have gone.
She kept herself together during the day, responding minimally when she needed to, and remaining quiet for as long as she could hear people going about their business. But every night, alone in the dark solitude of the tent and certain that no one was listening, Kohana let herself cry. Hiccupping softly as salty tears trailed down her cheeks, she felt like the most pathetic creature on the face of the planet. She sobbed for hours, mourning everything that she had lost.
"…if this rate of progress continues, the village should be restored just before autumn arrives. I've spoken with Lady Kaede and Kagome, the goal is to have you mobile again by that time. It'd be best if you were able to make the journey there yourself, the exercise would be good to make sure that…"
It had begun raining pretty often, thickening the air with an oppressive humidity. When it wasn't raining, the cicadas were singing in the heat. On one hand, the sounds of nature were assuring, as if it were possible that the world might heal. On the other, these sounds let Kohana know that summer had arrived. How long ago had she left her family to go train? There had been snow on the ground when she left…
Three seasons. Three seasons without her family.
Just how long have I been stuck in this damn tent?
"…Kohana?" Kaida called out her name and the crippled woman realized that she'd zoned out again. She did that often when people spoke, being only physically present for most conversations.
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," Kohana mumbled, making a mental effort to return to the present moment in front of her. She noted the look of worry on her mentor's face, and silently longed for the days when the noblewoman would scold her for not paying attention.
"I asked how you were feeling," Kaida said, an uncharacteristic note of patience in her voice, "I know you're able to sit up now, but you need to try and stand soon. You've been immobile for a long time, if you don't start using your legs soon you might lose function of them."
"Yes, it'd be awfully terrible if my limbs weren't functioning."
Kohana realized too late that she'd actually said the sour remark aloud. The old Kaida would have been furious at her rudeness. Instead the once proud woman visibly flinched, guilt possessing her features as she glanced at the crude sling that held up Kohana's useless arm.
There was a long, heavy moment of silence between the two.
"Kohana," Kaida spoke at last, her voice barely above a whisper, "I…I don't know if you can remember everything about…about what happened."
It was always 'the incident' or 'what happened'. An even too horrible to speak of, something too ugly and wicked to give name.
"But I need to apologize," Kaida continued, "I…I must admit you were a formidable opponent, I'd never faced anyone so…" The noblewoman swallowed, unsure of her wording.
Scary? Possessed? Fucking crazy?
Like shattered fragments of glass, memories began to surface in Kohana's mind. She saw the dark pond, Kaida swinging a sword at her, no restraint holding back her mentor's blows. The two had raged on, and when weapons failed they had resorted to fists. Like wild animals.
"...Indomitable. I was so certain that you couldn't be reached, that your mind was gone."
Suddenly Kohana returned to that moment. The water, as cold as ice, lapped at her arms as she held her thrashing mentor's head beneath the waves. A surge of bloodlust took over her, the hungry instinct in her mind screaming at her to kill. She hated this woman, she hated everything, it all needed to be destroyed. She would not be satisfied until everything was obliterated.
She thought she was going to be sick.
"Kohana, please forgive me, I made a terrible mistak-"
"Don't," Kohana hissed, "You're not the one who made the mistake; don't say that. You were trying to protect everyone, you did what had to be done."
She remembered being under the water, a blunt object raining down on her. Over and over again, tearing her flesh and bone asunder, pummeling her beneath the icy depths.
"No, it was a mistake," Kaida spoke again, a sudden note of anger in her voice, "Because of me you…you'll never be able to fight again. Do you realize that? Your arm is destroyed beyond repair, you almost died because of it, and no-"
"Shut up!" Kohana shouted, "You think I don't know that already? This is my fault, not yours, you were trying to stop me!"
"Kohana, I went down there with the intention of killing you!"
"Then why didn't you?!"
Kaida's eyes widened. Furious tears began to trickle down Kohana's face, a sudden storm surged within her and she found that she was no longer able to keep anything from spilling out.
"Why?! Tell me why!" Kohana screamed "Because I'll tell you what I think: You should have killed me!"
"Do you realized what I fucking did?! Innocent people died because of me, my friends died because of me, I murdered my own husband! Everyone was in danger because of my stupid mistake, an entire village is homeless because of it! Why the hell do I deserve to live?!"
"Kohana-"
"Don't you dare apologize for what you did to my arm, you should apologize for not doing worse! You should have stopped me, someone should have stopped me," her breath became erratic as the tears quickly turned to hysterical sobs, "E-Everything's gone and it's all my fault! You're keeping my son from me, don't tell me you're not, because you…you're all afraid of what I might do to him! What kind of mother can't be trusted around her own child?! If you won't let me see him then just end it already! Finish what you started Kaida, I won't fight this time, so just take your stupid sword and do it! Do you hear me?! Do it! Right here and now, just fucking take the thing and slit my-"
"Enough!"
The sheer force of the voice stung more than any slap in the face. Both Kaida and Kohana jumped, they turned to see Sesshomaru standing at the entrance of the tent. His expression held all the gentleness of a thunderstorm, his ire aimed directly at his wife.
That furious gaze froze Kohana's blood. Her frenzy quickly deflated, a wave of shame crashing over her heart and dragging it into the murky depths of despair. She couldn't bear the sight of him, her face fell into her hand and she wept harder.
"I'm sorry," Kohana's voice shook, she had absolutely no control over it, "I-I'm so sorry, I don't know wh-what's come over me."
Nothing made sense, what little control she'd had over herself had been shattered so quickly, her heart and mind churned in a whirlpool of confusion and pain. She felt absolutely spent, and yet the tears kept coming with no end in sight.
She felt like she was going insane.
There was a gentle touch on her shoulder. Her hair, completely loose, spilling in every direction and drenched in tears, was brushed away from her face.
"Shh, it's okay," Kaida spoke, her quiet voice taking on a motherly tone, "You've been through a lot."
"It's not okay!"
"It's been difficult for you to process, everyone understands that."
"I don't hate you Kaida," Kohana sobbed, "I don't hate you!"
"I know," the noblewoman said gently, "It isn't me that you need to forgive." The hand on Kohana's shoulder squeezed briefly before Kaida scooted away, readying herself to stand and leave. As though she had an afterthought, she quickly leaned forward to whisper to her pupil.
"He's been standing guard outside this tent day and night. He's impossible to read, but even I can tell that he's worried for you."
Kohana lifted her head, trying to look at her mentor through watery eyes, but the woman had already stood and walked towards the exit. Sesshomaru stood there, clearly agitated, though his frightful stare had chosen a new target in Kaida.
"You shouldn't come here," he said, "Not if you're going be a nuisance."
Kaida turned to face him, some semblance of her pride returning as she gave the dog demon a look that told him she would not be cowed.
"Her body needs rest, you're not wrong, those wounds are healing," the noblewoman spoke clearly, "But there are wounds that aren't healing. Wounds that have been ignored; peace and quiet aren't going to be enough for those. There's only one person who can help her heal them, and it's not me."
Without waiting for a response she turned and left.
Kohana's body was still slowly readjusting to functioning, but her emotional outburst had been too much for it to handle; hyperventilating had left her light headed as her lungs struggled to draw in air. Kaede was summoned to bring herbs that would help calm her down and rest; as soon as she was breathing properly it didn't take long for her to fall into a dreamless sleep.
When she woke again, darkness surrounded her. As her eyes adjusted, the quiet world and the soft chirping of crickets let her know that night had come. She glanced around the tent and saw no one.
Alone again, she thought sadly, knowing that she shouldn't be surprised. Given her behavior earlier today it was little wonder why she was isolated.
I must seem like I've gone absolutely crazy.
She wasn't entirely sure that she hadn't.
Once again, the hours of darkened loneliness beckoned to her. This was to be her fate it seemed, and she had no one to blame but herself. As if being a burden hadn't been enough, she had to be a raving lunatic as well. No one should have to put up with that, this bed of cold solitude was her own making, it was time to lie in it.
Even so, she couldn't stop herself from wishing.
I miss my son. I miss Rin. I miss my friends. I miss…
That was when she remembered what Kaida had whispered to her just before the noblewoman had left. Kohana glanced at the tent entrance. Could he really be out there right now? Besides the crickets, the world was utterly silent outside, it felt as though she were the only soul on the face of the Earth. There was no way anyone was out there.
Even so…if he was, if anyone was there, it was better than being alone with her thoughts in the dark.
Tentatively Kohana pushed herself up, struggling slightly due to the awkwardness of only having one functioning arm, until she was sitting up in her bed. She hesitated, unsure of herself. Early that day he had looked so upset, and she knew it was because of her. Even if he was nearby, would he even want to speak to her?
…I miss him.
"Sesshomaru?" She called out quietly, her voice barely louder than a whisper. She sat there counting her own heartbeats, waiting on some sign of movement. Her lonely heart begged for a response. She heard the crickets, and the sound of leaves rustling in the wind, but nothing else.
…Of course. I'm such an idiot…
Just as she was about to give up, the entrance to the tent slid open and the soft light of the moon spilled inside. The dog demon stepped into the tent, his silver hair set aglow by the moon beams, granting him an ethereal aura. He made no sound as he moved, his amber gaze even more vibrant in the darkness than usual.
Kohana's breath hitched at the sight. It had been so long since she'd properly seen him, she was reminded just how immense her husband's presence could be. That beneath that calm human-like exterior was his true self, a magnificent beast. Not for the first time in her life, she wondered if he was truly real, or if she was staring into the face of a waking dream.
"You're here," she said stupidly, still surprised that he had actually appeared. He looked at her, his expression unreadable, and she became acutely aware of the fact that she must look like a complete utter mess.
"I never left."
His response betrayed none of his emotions. Kohana searched his face for hints, but it had been so long since she'd seen him last, so many things had happened. Had she lost her ability to read his feelings? An unsettling tension filled the tent, and she felt the gulf between them grow wider.
She swallowed her apprehension, she needed answers to the questions that plagued her heart.
"Please," her voice was thankfully steady, "I have to know. Where is Futeki? Who is taking care of him?" Sesshomaru took his time before answering, instead choosing to look her over as he silently mulled over his thoughts.
"Futeki is in the camp. Both priestesses and I see to him periodically, otherwise he is with Rin and Jaken."
Kohana closed her eyes, fighting the rising tide of shame and longing.
"It should be me," she whispered, trying to keep her voice from wavering, "I'm his mother. I should be taking care of him." There was long pause before Sesshomaru answered.
"That would be unwise. Futeki's demon blood has awakened."
"What?" Kohana's eyes widened, "What do you mean?"
"He is only half demon, he was…in a position where he needed to defend himself," the inu youkai's face was an icy mask as he spoke, "His demon blood took over and he lost himself to it. He is well now, but should he encounter something that frightens him that state might reawaken."
And seeing me would scare him?
The more she thought about it, the more she saw the sense in it. Futeki was not used to seeing his mother emaciated, weak, and crippled; never mind the fact that no one should have to see their mother in the throes of an emotional outburst like the one she had earlier, screaming sobbing, begging to be killed.
That was when another horrible possibility struck her heart.
"Did…" Kohana gulped, "Did Futeki see me…did he see me when…when I…" She trembled, unable to finish the sentence.
"No, he didn't," Sesshomaru's answer was quiet, "Rin assures me that the two of you did not encounter each other."
The small relief that Kohana felt was abruptly cut short. Futeki hadn't seen her as a brain washed psychotic monster, but Rin…
"Oh god," Kohana felt her stomach turn, "Oh god, Rin."
Another memory surfaced, this one uglier than the rest. Rin screaming in fear, pleading for her to listen, to come to her senses. Fury had clouded Kohana's mind, she lifted her hand, a deadly heat erupting from her palm.
"Rin," the crippled woman's voice broke, and she buried her face in her hand, "I-I almost…I tried to…" The younger girl wasn't her child, but she was the closest thing Kohana had to a daughter. How could she live with herself, knowing that she had come within a heartbeat of murdering her?
Rin tried to save me, and she almost died. I tried to kill her.
Kohana thought that she had cried enough for a lifetime, and yet once again tears were threatening to slip down her face. She shut her eyes tight against them.
"You didn't," Sesshomaru's voice sounded closer, "Rin is alive and unscathed; you did not harm her."
"I tried to though! She was right in front of me a-and I…"
"Your body was being used like a puppet, you can't hold yourself accountable for the actions Naraku used you to commit."
"Can't I? I let him in…I let them in. Naraku a-and that stupid…" The mere thought of the shadow man sent a tremor of revulsion up her spine, memory froze her veins in fear. "…They asked me to obey them, and I did." That horrid jewel had violated her; her mind and spirit had been forcibly altered by an evil spirit that would haunt her forever.
"Naraku was a wretched pest," Sesshomaru sounded even closer than before, and Kohana looked up to see that he had moved to sit next to her, "He relied on deception to manipulate events into his favor, it was his only strength; even I have been tricked by him before. That you fell prey to his lies is not astonishing."
His words didn't make her feel any better, but she thought she understood the intent behind them. He thought that this wasn't her fault, that she couldn't be blamed for what happened
"…It was Futeki's body," she whispered after a moment, "He…it was a doll, but it looked so real…and I thought he had died. And that…" she swallowed, fighting another wave of tears, "…Naraku said that you had let him die."
"You believed him." It wasn't a question, Sesshomaru's voice had tensed ever so slightly. Kohana thought she saw a flicker of emotion cross his face.
"I'm sorry. Sesshomaru, I'm so sorry," her voice cracked again, "I shouldn't have doubted you, you would never have abandoned him or Rin…And you didn't. They're alive because of you. You protected them and I…I'm such a fool."
She bit her lip and looked away as humiliation tore through her. She thought she heard Sesshomaru shift next to her, and she knew he wasn't sure how to respond.
"Why did you try to save my arm?" She asked before he could reply, "After everything I've done…why go through the trouble?"
"You are mortal," he said the word without scorn, "If they had cut off your arm, it could not be restored." She thought of his Bakusaiga and the miraculous feat of demonic strength that had brought back his own left arm, but she shook her head.
"It doesn't matter, it's still useless," she stared at the immobile limb, "…You should have let me die."
"Your life isn't meant to be thrown away," There was a sharp note of anger in his voice.
"No, I mean…Tenseiga," She looked back at him and wasn't surprised to see that his expression had darkened, "…Why couldn't you have just let me go and then used that to fix it? Wouldn't that have been easier?"
"The Tenseiga is not a toy," his eyebrows narrowed as his golden eyes bore into her, "It restores life, but scars from the wounds it heals do not vanish. For there to be any chance of your arm regaining mobility I could not assist it…Watching you suffer was…" He paused, his eyes closed briefly as his jaw tightened, "…I could not allow you do die."
Rather than being touched by the sentiment, a sudden realization struck Kohana. Sesshomaru had spent many years of frustration in not understanding the sword that his father had left him. She knew he'd gained respect for it over the years, but for him to suddenly know a detail like that about it…her eyes widened and slowly moved to his heart. She could not stop trembling.
"Let me see it."
Sesshomaru's expression had gone blank again.
"Let me see it!" She repeated, fear and horror giving strength to her voice. Her husband never took orders from anyone, but she didn't care in that moment. She had to have the truth, no matter how wretched it was.
Sesshomaru stared at her for a moment, looking as though he were about to say no. He exhaled once, and then carefully removed his armor. When that was gone, he reached up and gripped the edge of his kimono, but hesitated. Kohana's eyes pleaded with him, even though her stomach was churning. The dog demon relented, he pulled down the fabric and exposed the left half of his chest down to the elbow.
There it was. A massive sunburst shaped scar marred his otherwise porcelain flesh. Swallowing the bile in her throat, Kohana slowly reached out and touched it, feeling how very real it was beneath her fingertips. It was wrong. It shouldn't be there. Sesshomaru's body was different, his wounds healed at an abnormal pace, none of them ever scarred…
None save a mortal blow.
"I did this…," Her voice was hoarse. She had wished so desperately that this had been a nightmare conjured up by her fevered mind, but the truth was there to be seen. Her mind traveled back into memory once more. She heard the snarling of the great white dog as it battled the spider, she heard her own screams of fury and bloodlust her power blasted a hole through his chest, she felt his life completely slip away into oblivion.
"…I killed you."
Her heart shattered in that moment. She couldn't fight the tears any longer. Her sorrow came pouring out of her, she turned away from him as her body shook. She could never look at him again, not after knowing that she had committed the most heinous act imaginable.
"…You were not in control of your actions."
"I remember it," she sobbed, "I let them control me, it was my hand that did it! How can you stand to look at me? How could you save me after that? How can you sit there and tell me not to throw away my life, when I took yours?"
Without warning, he grabbed her and pulled her towards him. She shrieked and struggled against him out of reflex, her body ignoring the knowledge that fighting him was futile. When he held her secure in his lap, he grabbed her right wrist and forcibly pressed her palm against his scar.
"Tell me what you feel." His voice was quiet, but she sensed the steel behind it.
"What are you doing? Let go!" She twisted and pulled, wanting desperately to get her hand away from the mark that proved her a murderer.
"Tell me what you feel!" His tone was far less gentle the second time, and the severity of his gaze stilled her. Kohana gulped, her body trembled, but she obeyed and kept her hand against his chest. He held her there for several long minutes, refusing to move until she answered.
The scar seared her palm, the proof of her sin felt like fire against her fingers, but beneath that…there was a strong beat, repetitive and unyielding. It was a pulse.
"…Your heart," she said at last, though her expression remained baffled, "I feel your heart, i-it's beating."
"Would it be if you had truly killed me?"
"But that's dif-"
"I surrendered my life to you long ago. It was yours to take. There's no need for you to throw your own away because of that, I will not allow it." His amber eyes bore into her, he dropped any attempt of concealing his emotions. Kohana saw everything that he had kept hidden: fear, pain, shame, longing, anger. All of them because of her, because even now after everything he still loved her.
"But I…Sesshomaru…" Another rush of tears shook her, "I didn't want…I didn't want you to die!"
"I swore to you once, no matter how far I traveled, that I would always return to your side. That I would not abandon you." he reached out and cupped her face, ensuring that her eyes were looking into his.
"Not even death can keep me from you."
He held her gaze, time stopped for the two of them as his words sunk into her heart. Little by little the broken pieces drew towards each other once more. Kohana's face crumpled, tears flooded her eyes as her lip trembled.
"Thank you," she choked out, before her emotions overtook her once more. Sesshomaru pulled her close, holding his wife as she wept in his arms.
Together they sat and let the hours pass.
Kaida had been right. Without using her legs for so long they had become weak and useless. Kohana panted, the limbs beneath her shook uncontrollably as she clutched fearfully to Kagome's shoulder. Gravity beckoned to her, at any second she would see the ground rushing towards her face.
"I think that's enough," she breathed, "Put me down."
"You're so close," the miko encouraged, "Just a few more steps and you'll have gone farther than you did this morning!"
She said that as if the accomplishment would actually mean something. Doing laps inside the tent was no great feat, but with Kohana more unbalanced and wobbly than a newborn deer the task was exhausting and tedious. She took ten more hesitant steps, each one more painful than the last, until once more she stood at the foot of her makeshift bed.
"That's five laps!" Kagome cheered, "You did it!"
"Great," Kohana hissed through her teeth, "Now put me down!"
Getting her in and out of bed was just as an awkward and tedious task. Only one of Kohana's limbs worked properly, and though Kagome never said anything, the young miko didn't always do the greatest job of hiding her own limp. It was a case of the crippled being helped by the less crippled.
"Are you sure this is going to work?" Inuyasha asked skeptically, arms folded as he eyed the two women, "Wouldn't it just be easier if someone carried her?"
"If she doesn't use her legs, they won't heal or be as strong again," Kagome explained, "Being able to walk back to the village with the rest of us is a good goal for her to have." The other two occupants of the tent weren't entirely convinced that the miko was only speaking about the crippled woman in the bed.
"Yeah, I'd like at least some of my body to start working again," Kohana huffed, though her tone was light and joking. She'd spent countless hours grieving the loss of her arm, but was sick of feeling sorry for herself. The useless appendage wasn't going away, maybe it would be easier to bear if she gained a sense of humor about it.
"Speaking of useless," Inuyasha said, ignoring the glare that Kagome shot him, "Where'd Sesshomaru go? He's usually skulking around here all the time."
"As I seem to recall, Inuyasha, you were the one lying uselessly while the rest of these mortals struggled to assemble their forces and establish a shelter."
Everyone in the room jumped. Sesshomaru had lately been choosing to exercise unsettling ability to silently materialize without warning, or so it seemed to appear to everyone in the camp.
"Oi," Inuyasha growled, "I didn't see you there when I was kicking Naraku's ass and saving everyone's sorry butt!"
"Interesting. You make such lofty claims, and yet it seems to be common knowledge that the priestess was the one who dealt the final blow."
"Yeah, well if it weren't for me then-"
"Boys," Kagome stood up and huffed, "After everything we've been through, you've still got nothing better to do than bicker with one another?!"
"They can't help it," Kohana said, "They're siblings, bickering's the most natural way of showing affection for one another." She thought fondly of her own brother and ignored the annoyed glare from both dog demons. Kagome rolled her eyes heavenward, though there was a small smile on her face.
"Anyway," Kohana looked to her husband, "Did you finish that errand you needed to run?"
"Yes," he answered, "How are you feeling?"
"Better, I think."
"Kohana managed five laps just now," Kagome explained, "That's nine so far today, I think she'll be able to do ten tomorrow."
"Hn," Sesshomaru nodded, but Kohana knew he wasn't speaking only of her physical health. The weeping episodes still came, but they had been lessening. She was starting to feel surer of herself, less crazy and more in control of her emotions. There was still a long way to go, but with her husband by her side she finally felt that she was on the mend.
"Then I believe you are ready."
"Ready?" Kohana asked as Kagome shot the dog demon a confused look, "Ready for what?" Inuyasha's ears twitched, his eyes widened suddenly before he glanced at his brother and smirked. Without answering, Sesshomaru stepped aside and pulled open the entrance flap of the tent.
"Mama?"
Kohana's eyes widened, and her heart began to race. There he stood, the little snowy haired hanyou was staring at his mother, his amber gaze ranging somewhere between hope and apprehension. His tail was lowered and conveyed his uncertainty.
"Futeki?" Kohana whispered.
"Go on," Rin was standing behind the little boy, and she gently nudged him with her hands, "Lord Sesshomaru says you have to be gentle with her, but you can see her now." Futeki looked at her, before glancing at his father as if asking permission. Sesshomaru nodded, and the little hanyou stepped forward.
His steps were slow at first, his head held high in what looked like an attempt to appear more mature and calm than his three years of age, but very suddenly the façade cracked. The little hanyou's face broke into tears and he raced forward.
"Mama!" He cried out. Kohana, her own eyes dripping with tears again, reached her arm out and caught his embrace. His grip was strong, he nearly knocked the wind out of her, but she didn't mind. Her son was here, bigger than the last time she had seen him, but she was too overjoyed to grieve the time lost.
"Futeki," she sobbed, holding him closer, "Futeki you're alive!"
The terrible memory of the doll was gone, in her arms was a warm, living, breathing boy. Her son. He clung to her neck and wept into her shoulder, his tail happily thumping against her, and Kohana knew that she would never let him go. Simply having him here was enough to briefly forget the pain of the past several months, she would sacrifice her arm a thousand times if it meant that her son could be safe and happy forever.
"Rin," Kohana said after she caught her breath, looking up at the girl standing at the entrance, "Rin come here." The girl blinked but nodded and moved until she stood next to the infirmed woman. Kohana's arm let go of Futeki, though he refused to let go of her, and she grabbed Rin's hand and squeezed it.
"Rin, I can't thank you enough," Kohana's voice was thick with emotion and she tried to wipe her tears away with her shoulder, "You kept Futeki safe for me, and you…you are such a brave girl. You tried to save me in there, and…and I…"
"It's okay," Rin answered, "Kohana, I know that wasn't you. I'm glad you're back." There wasn't a trace of fear in her expression, the girl's unyielding capacity for love was astounding. She knelt down and hugged Kohana and Futeki both, and the injured mother held both of her children close.
Sesshomaru watched over them, his expression softer than usual. Kagome was wiping her own tears at the sight, and even Inuyasha seemed moved. Kohana had grown sick of her tears, but these were different. For the first time in what seemed like ages she was able to feel joy, she let them fall freely.
She had her family back.