Luigi: Lost in Mushroom City
Time was tough for Luigi. He had a drinking problem, a gambling addiction, and no place to stay. Mario had kicked him out of Peach's Castle after he tried to make a movie with The Princess. Luigi said he was sorry, and that he was drunk, but his brother would not listen.
All Luigi had to his name was the clothes on his back and a bag containing a fortune full of coins that he received by Luigi's Mansion 2 royalties.
Luigi took a bus to Mushroom City. He got kicked off the bus for trying to smoke a cigarette onboard. An old Koopa woman swung an oxygen tank at him.
The poor Italian was now stuck to wander the slums of The City. Luigi, as smart as he is, decided to take what he believed to be a 'shortcut' through the dark alleys between the streets. It was here he was confronted with the Hammer Cousins; distant relatives of one of his many arch enemies; The Hammer Bros.
"Well, well, well… What do we have here?" said the first Hammer Cousin in his typical Boston Dialect. The second Hammer Cousin smells the air.
"Smells like Luigi." said the second Hammer Cousin.
The two cousins brandish their hammers, and toss them towards Luigi's direction. Luigi runs under them, jumping between their throws and landing first on the head of the second Hammer Cousin. Luigi's boot tears through the creature's skin, his bones snap and twist in ways never meant by natural means. Despite the writhing pain; the screams of agony and mercy and brief as in a mere moment his body disintegrates into nothingness.
But the first Hammer Cousin isn't a fucking pussy, alright? He just keeps throwing those hammers; hammers which he seems to have an endless amount of.
One of the hammers crushes Luigi's left shoulder blade. Usually this would kill a man, but Luigi instead just shrinks into a dwarf half his size. This does not affect the Hammer Cousin's composure one bit.
Luigi becomes tired with this song-and-dance act, and decides to whip out his nine and cap the fool. The concrete walls spill with blood as the echo of the gun fires off through the streets.
The Hammer Cousin stumbles backwards, coughing up blood. His futile attempt at breathing results in blood filled gurgles. Luigi approaches the Hammer Cousin, firing two more rounds into the creatures head.
There are sirens in the distance; Luigi drops his gun in the nearest garbage can, and runs off into the night.
Luigi has been roaming the Mushroom City alleys for around 20 minutes now, and has yet to find a sign of life other than the various apartment complexes and closed businesses. Above all else, Luigi wants a god damn drink.
It appeared to be a mirage when he saw the bar in the distance. He approached it with awe; striding closer as the neon sign made itself clear. "The Rusty Flag Pole" read the sign.
As Luigi walked towards the door he was approached by a Goomba in a brown overcoat.
"Hey there, moustache man." Said the grizzle voiced Goomba, "Want to smoke some fucking crack with me?"
Luigi put his white gloved hand in the air and shook his head, politely declining.
"Why not try it, eh? What are you going to do? Go inside and spend all that money on drink? You'll be doing yourself a favor, smoking this crack. It's free."
Luigi, despite his wealth, could never turn down anything for free.
Him and the Goomba took to the back alley, where the Goomba packs a bowl of his dirty crack pipe with the rock; passing the first hit to Luigi.
"Come on, moustache man." Said the Goomba, "Smoke that fucking crack."
Luigi took out his lighter and lit the bowl, inhaling the smoke through his mouth and into his lungs. Luigi couldn't lie to himself; as his pupils began to dilate, and his heart started to race, he felt like he could conquer the world. He no longer needed the validation of his brother, or the shame of being second banana to a fat Italian plumber. Luigi got a bachelors degree in sociology, for god sakes.
Luigi never made it into The Rusty Flag Pole that night. No, he went to The Goomba's place, meeting his battered wife, Brenda, and his six year old son, Reggie.
Luigi stayed there, hanging out with the Goomba's family, and smoking crack, for a full three years. Luigi lost all of his money in a month, though. But after that point the Goomba, Brenda, and Reggie had taken Luigi in as one of the family.
But it was on that one fateful night when Reggie and Luigi were playing leap frog. When Luigi went to jump over Reggie, his foot slipped and landed on Reggie's back. The child screamed as Luigi's foot broke through his body like Styrofoam.
Brenda and the Goomba ran into the living room, briefly seeing the sight of their son's mutilated corpse, before disappearing into the great beyond. Brenda fainted. The Goomba pulled out his pocket knife, but it was too late. Luigi jumped on top of the Goomba, and like all the others, his entire being was taken out of existence from a simple jump. All that was left was the brown overcoat. Luigi shuffled through the pockets, retrieving a bag of crack rocks, and a pipe. He sat there and smoked that crack while Brenda wept in the corner.
Luigi jumped up and faced the woman. Her eyes were bulging, her tears smeared her makeup. He was holding a butter knife for self defense. Luigi laughed.
"Luigi win! Luigi number one! Wow!"
Luigi, crack in hand, hopped out of the apartment window and back into the slummy streets of Mushroom City, sure to spread chaos and destruction with whomever is unfortunate to cross his lime green path.