A/N: The soundtrack for this one is a double. The first is 'Garden' by Dua Lipa. The second is 'Wicked Game'. I like the Raign version for this chapter best.
Chapter 20
It took Elle another two weeks before she was given the all-clear to go back out on patrols with the rest, though she felt it would have been alright after just one. She still didn't complain. She had been reprimanded too many times by too many people for her pride to even bring it up most days.
The only other caveat she was given on her release was from Caius. He still didn't speak to her much, but he had gone back to being professional, at least. He gave her the stipulation that if she were to need to fly with Bahamut again, after her first stunt, that she always had at least one other person with her in the air.
His order irritated her to no end. It wasn't that she didn't have room, or that Bahamut couldn't handle it. No, she was pretty sure she could take the whole team with no issue in case of an emergency, but it was Caius' high-handed tone. It was an order, not a suggestion. Or maybe she was just irritated with him in general.
His attitude toward her since he had become Guardian was wearing on her, and it had barely been more than a month. Other than the day she had been brought in injured, he barely spoke to her, and when he did, it usually ended with her walking away pissed off. She knew part of her anger was to cover her hurt at his continued distance, but she couldn't stop it. She had hoped that even if he pushed her away as a lover, that they could have at least been adults and retained their friendship, but that was not the case. Even when she visited with Yeul, he would either stand stiffly on the other side of the room to 'give them privacy' or stand outside the door altogether. It was infuriating.
Elle tried not to think about the man as she headed out with Laer after her month of being out of the field. He was still her escort on most days, even though she had agreed to have Ingens accompany them when he wasn't busy. There was a bit of compromise reached in the end. Since Laer was still assigned to Mirus' hunting team, when Elle finally got to go back out, it was decided that with both Mirus and Laer there, it would not be necessary for Ingens to go as well. Especially since he led his own team of hunters.
Things were quiet between the two of them as they headed out to meet up with the rest of the team, at least at first. They had almost made it to the city outskirts before Laer finally spoke. "Are you sure you're up for this?"
She looked over at him with a frown. "I was ready to get the hell out of there a month ago. Why would I not take the first chance I got?"
Laer's eyes flashed with concern for just a moment before he hid it once more, and he smirked. "If you say so, just don't complain to me if you have a hard time keeping up. It has been a while since you've had a proper workout."
She rolled her eyes at him, and he smirked. "Tell you what, if you are set on this, and we make it back in one piece, I'll go with you, and we can get you set up like a real hunter."
She gave him a curious look. "What is that supposed to mean? I kind of thought I already was."
He chuckled. "In actions, but you don't look the part. We need to get you the beads and feathers that mark your place in the tribe."
Elle froze at his words. That was something that Caius had never brought up, and she had been too awkward to ask about, but she wasn't opposed to the idea. "Would that be okay? I mean, I'm not technically part of the tribe."
He stopped and looked at her for several seconds before he shrugged and kept going. "You might as well be. As far as the hunters are concerned, you are."
Elle wasn't sure how to take what he said. He smirked back at her as she gave him a nod. She wanted to add more, but by that time, they had reached the rest of the team. Elle was glad to see the rest of the team wave with smiles. She had worked with them all at one point or another over the last seven months, so it was no surprise that they greeted her like a friend. Once the rest were done congratulating her on her victory and teasing her about being down for three weeks afterward, Mirus finally stepped up with a smirk.
He held out his hand, and Elle gladly took it. "I suppose I should be glad for the fortuitous circumstances that led to you being added to my team. At least, from what I have heard, if we run into anything large, we at will at least have something to counter it now."
Elle chuckled. "While I don't think pulling out an eidolon for most things is the best course of action, I will agree that if we meet any big nasties, then we'll be set. It's nice to have a big nasty of our own."
Mirus chuckled at the look she gave him while she said that, but didn't add anything before he turned to the rest of the team, and they all headed out. Despite her being down for a month, Elle only had slight issues with keeping up, and none that were bad enough that she voiced them. She would be damned if she was going to let any of them think she couldn't keep up, no matter the reason.
Winter had finally settled in fully. That didn't stop patrols, which meant that nights outside the city were miserable for most of the team. Laer only got more worried when Elle threw herself into the work more and more each day. She would be the one to volunteer first for all the things that most hated doing during the winter months. That included night watch, and scouting the higher peaks. She even volunteered to do aerial scouting when they were looking for something in particular or a dangerous monster that they needed to sneak up on. Laer really hated that one, because he had to go with her.
Still, despite how bad all that was, that was not worried him most. No, what worried him most was the way she acted around others. She was still amicable with everyone, even laughing and joking with them all, but he could tell that it never reached her eyes. Not like it used to. The longer time went on, the colder she seemed to become. She spent less time around others, as though it was becoming harder for her to keep pretending.
Winter was finally passing, and the days were finally starting to get longer once more when he was watching after they had landed from an aerial scouting trip. She had not yet dismissed her eidolon, and the two of them stood on a peak, looking out across the plains. He had tried to get her to come down with him, but she had given him that smile that didn't reach her eyes and declined, citing the need to make sure nothing was nearby first.
He allowed it, but still stood to watch them against the setting sun. In different circumstances, it would have been a sight beautiful enough to take his breath away. Now, all he could do was watch and feel a weight dragging at his heart for the woman that he cared for more than was healthy for him.
He was pulled from his contemplation when Mirus joined him. The team-lead looked to where he was watching for just a moment before he turned back. His eyes were hard for the first time in a long time as he spoke about the Emissary. "Laer, I know she is your friend, so you must see that something is not right. She has not let it distract her, but we cannot let this continue forever. Something must give, or she could become a liability. I would hate to see it, as she is a capable warrior."
Laer turned to him with a frown. He suddenly had to work to keep a leash on his anger as he looked to his team leader. "You say that as if you don't already know what the problem is. As I recall, it was only a matter of months ago that you were one of the ones calling for this to happen. Don't complain now that you got what you wished for."
Mirus did not seem perturbed by the sharp remark. Instead, he turned contemplative. "I never wished for her to come to harm. But it does make me wonder what the Goddess was thinking to send a woman such as her. Surely, this is not what she was sent for. Why is she here? Why has she not done more than become part of our team? If she is genuinely an emissary for Etro, then what is her purpose?"
Laer could not respond right away. He had never questioned her position, nor had he questioned her motives. She was just Elle, his friend, and a damn good warrior. Mirus' thoughts had him wondering about it for the first time, but not for long. He finally shrugged. "I can't begin to guess what her purpose is. I don't try to guess what Etro sends to the Seeress either. That isn't my place. It's my job to make sure the city and the people are kept safe. As far as that goes, she's the best possible comrade I could have asked for to get that job done right. I don't need to know more than that."
Mirus held up both hands and shook his head before he looked back up once more. "Please do not think that I wish her harm. On the contrary, I only wish to make sure the best outcome for us all. You know my goal has always been to do what is best for the city and peoples of Paddra."
Laer did not speak right away. Mirus sounded sincere, but just like the last time they talked about Elle, he had a feeling that there was something he was missing. This time, he was not so willing to accept things at face value. Still, without anything more than a feeling, he could do no more than nod. "I understand, just don't expect me to walk away from a friend. I don't have it in me."
Mirus' eyes flashed for a moment, but his voice was calm when he responded. "Remember that she does not belong here. The day will come that she may have to return. Plus, it would do you good to evaluate your priorities. No matter the friendship, it would be best to ensure you are on the right side when the question of loyalty is asked."
That threat was much more overt and had Laer taking a step forward. Mirus ignored it as he turned back to where the rest of the team was preparing camp. "Don't let your emotions cloud your judgment." That was the last thing said as he walked away.
Laer looked back to Elle once more with a sigh. He didn't have any easy answers, but one thing he did know was that he wasn't going to leave her to handle her troubles alone, no matter if he had to go up against Caius himself.
As the winter started to wind down, the rainy season started. During the worst of the storms, most of the city stayed indoors. That included the trainees and warriors. The only ones out and about were the unlucky few that had guard duty. There weren't even patrols scheduled unless the storms lasted for more than a few days in a row. Not even the monsters liked being out in the rain, at least not the ones around Paddra, so it was not much of an issue.
It was on a rainy day toward the end of winter and near to spring that Elle found herself cooped up once more. It would have been miserable if it weren't for Yeul. The girl had invited her to come and talk. Elle had already shared her most recent adventures as Yeul stared into the small fire that was burning in the brazier in the middle of the room.
Silence settled for several moments before the girl looked over with a wry smile that Elle wasn't used to seeing. She almost asked what was wrong, but Yeul spoke before she could. "I know there is still something that you must accomplish, but I am glad that you have had the opportunity to stay for at least a little while. It is… nice to have someone to speak with that does not carry expectations of me."
Elle took a deep breath. It had taken nearly a year for the girl to get around to saying what she had seen a long time ago. Still, she gave her a smile. "I'm happy to be here to talk to you, but surely I'm not the only one. You have dozens of women here that you are around all the time. Not to mention-" She cut herself off at that point because she had no desire to bring up the current Guardian.
Still, when she looked back to Yeul, the girl's smile had all but faded. "Yes, they do speak to me, but they expect me to maintain the image of the Seeress at all times. Plus, despite how close Caius and I once were, he has taken the roles of Guardian and Seeress to heart. I am afraid that wall is one that I will not ever breach again."
Elle knew precisely what the girl meant. Just the mention of Caius left a dull ache in her chest. It had been long enough now that she should have been able to move on, but she could not. He was there in her face every day, and yet she might as well have been back in Chicago for all the difference the proximity meant. He hardly spoke to her outside of what was necessary.
She didn't say any of that out loud, though. She started to try and comfort the girl, but something in the tone that was used clicked, and instead, she gave the girl an evaluating look. "It's not just them. You don't feel like you can show them anything different either, do you?"
Elle was surprised that the girl showed her shock for once, but she masked it quickly as she answered. "I was born for this. I have no alternative but to embrace it. To do otherwise would only cause disaster for myself and others."
It was several moments later that Elle finally gathered her thoughts well enough to share. "You know, you don't have to push it away to allow people to get close. I don't know if it is just the position, or something else, but it's alright to want friends and still be the leader of Paddra. Doing both isn't impossible, especially not for you. You are amazing and should have no trouble juggling both."
Yeul looked like she didn't know how to respond at first, but she ended up turning away. Her voice was so low that Elle had to lean forward to hear her. "I could not do that to others. It is different with you. You will not be here for- I just cannot."
Elle sighed and put her hand on the girl's arm. When Yeul looked back, Elle managed to smile despite how much her heart was breaking. "I know you may feel like you don't have the chance for a full life, but you can't live thinking like that, or you won't. Everyone here knows the consequences of your position, your gift. If they chose to become close to you, then they do so knowing full well what it would mean. Don't make that choice for them, because then everyone suffers."
Yeul blinked several times as she tried to make sense of what Elle was saying. It was several minutes later that she frowned as she replied. "I cannot say that I agree, but I do understand. I will think about what you have said."
Elle watched Yeul struggle with the conflict of her desires and what she believed was right. She wished it was something she could help with, but it was a decision the girl would have to come to on her own. She also had the thought that perhaps this had more to do with Yeul being stuck in the chaos than the games let on.
If she remembered correctly, it was supposed to be because she was configured differently than other humans, but could it be that she was just closer to Etro? If that was the case, would a peaceful mind allow the girl the opportunity to rejoin the goddess in the afterlife instead of being stuck? She sighed as she shook the thoughts off. That was a discussion for another day. The girl already had enough to think about as it was.
Spring had finally come to Paddra, and Elle had a painful case of déjà vu as she watched the city celebrate the festival before the next trading season. Not only was it a reminder of what had happened during the last festival, both good and bad, but it also marked a year since she had been in Paddra. She hadn't realized it when she first arrived, but it had been in the middle of the last spring trading season.
She briefly thought about what her brother and friends back a the precinct must think of her absence, but she pushed it away violently and locked it up again. She was already struggling with trying not to think of Caius. The last thing she needed was to break down with thoughts of the life she left behind as well. She only hoped that she would figure something out eventually. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to stop things now that she couldn't even have a conversation with the man, but that didn't stop it from being her job.
Again, she shoved those thoughts aside when Laer turned to her with a smirk. They had already finished their duties with Yeul and the petitioners for the day and were supposed to be having fun. Despite her mood, that was something she really needed. At least it was just the two of them for the moment. The rest of the group had taken off to a different pub for the evening, and Elle hadn't wanted to settle yet.
They made their way through the crowd and to one of the squares where a group of people had set up a place to dance and had music playing. Elle stood on the sidelines and let the music relax her as she swayed there for the first dance. She was shocked from her thoughts when Laer grabbed her arm and started dragging her to the open area when the next one started.
He looked back and smirked at her. "You looked like you were enjoying it. No point in not joining if you like it."
She wanted to object, but by that time, a small cheer had been raised when the crowd saw them join. Several of the other dancers made a spot for them to participate in the fast-paced dance that had started. Laer laughed at the face she was making and leaned closer. "It's a lot less scary than facing your eidolon. Just follow along. You shouldn't have any issues."
Elle realized that she wasn't getting away, so she looked to the sides and started following along as best as she could. Despite a few fumbles along the way, by the time the reel was finished, she was laughing. It was the first real laugh she had let go of in a long time. She didn't hesitate to allow Laer to lead her in several more.
It wasn't until the music finally slowed that Elle was reminded why she had been melancholy in the first place. Laer had swept her into his arms and led her around with many other couples, but the closer he pulled her, the more it felt wrong. His arms were not the ones she wanted around her.
No matter how well she tried to hide it, Laer was her best friend. She could not hide it from him, and she felt a wave of guilt as his smile dimmed as he caught her eye. He didn't lose it as he dropped his voice so that only she would hear. "You know, it would be alright for you to move on. I'm not even saying you should look to me, though I would not object. More than anything, I want to see your eyes smiling again. Let it go."
Elle nearly stumbled as he confirmed something she had been afraid of for some time. He righted her but didn't let her go. She tried to keep the panic out of her voice. "You are one of the most important men in my life. Ever. But-"
He sighed as he gave her a sad smile. "But I'm not who you want."
She tried to pull away, but he refused to let go. He shook his head and smirked. "Don't. I'm not interested in pushing you away. I just want you to think about what I said. It isn't just because of what I want. You deserve to be happy, and you haven't even been close for months. Consider letting go of that burden, at least. Only then can you find happiness, even if I can't be the one to give it to you."
Elle didn't say anything right away. When the dance finally ended, Laer pulled on her arm. "Come on, let's go get another drink. I'm far too sober for a festival night."
Elle chuckled at his change of topic. She could see the flash of pain in his eyes and for a brief moment, thought about taking him up on his offer. He was her best friend. She had no doubt that she could be satisfied with him as a partner, and she hated the idea of hurting him. Still, she couldn't make herself call out to stop him as he led her through the crowd and to one of the many establishments that served alcohol.
A/N: Gah, this was harder for me to write than I thought it would be lol. I actually really like Laer, so I apologize if you do too. Anyway, after some calculations, it looks like we have three, maybe four chapters left after this one. I hope you are all as excited as me to see the end. As you can tell, my regular MO has kicked in and this will probably not let me do anything else until it finished lol. I hope you all enjoy! Thanks for reading.