A/N: There are three songs for this one. The first is for the first section, 'Miserable at Best' by Mayday Parade. The second is for the second and third sections, 'Let it Go' by James Bay. The third is for the rest, all but the last section, 'Ghost Story' by Sting. Enjoy! (or try to anyway lol)
Chapter 21
Caius and Yeul had been walking through the crowd after her duties were taken care of. She graciously accepted all of the people that greeted her with bows or thanks as the two of them took in the atmosphere of the revelers. It was a small joy that she allowed herself since she could not partake herself.
It wasn't until they came to one of the larger squares that she was brought to a halt. It took Caius a few moments to see what had snagged her attention. When he caught sight of Elle laughing as Laer swung her around in a fast-paced dance and the crowd around them cheering them on, he froze.
He knew it made sense that she had moved on, as it had been more than five months since he made it clear to her that he did not see her as anything other than another conquest. It even made sense that it was with Laer, as the man had been her friend nearly as long as she had been in Paddra. Still, that did not keep the thought of it from knifing into him with white-hot pain.
He managed to mask it as he turned to Yeul to see if she was ready to move on. Instead, he found her giving him an odd look before she looked back out to the dancers. He had to bite back a sharp remark when she continued to stand there and watch. He wasn't sure how much longer he could take the scene in front of him without doing something he would regret later.
It was as he reminded himself once more that it would not help matters to knock the man senseless that Yeul finally spoke. "Caius, can you tell me why you no longer speak with the Emissary? I had thought you were close friends at one time, and yet since you became Guardian, you have not spared her more than the bare amount of time necessary for her position."
Caius clenched his jaw shut on the answer he wanted to give. He could not do more. There had been a point during that first week that he considered the possibility of trying to salvage their friendship at least, but after she came back injured from fighting her eidolon, and he could hardly see more than her, he realized there was no way. He had to keep his distance if there was any hope of him remaining impartial. He could no longer afford to be distracted, no matter how much his heart was still in tatters.
He finally spoke when Yeul looked up at him. "Seeress, while we were friends at one point, we are both public figures with separate responsibilities. We cannot easily keep up the ties we once had. It would not work, nor would it be appropriate."
She held his gaze for long enough that he began to become uncomfortable under her stare. There were times that it was easy to forget that she was anything other than a teenage girl. A mature teenager, to be sure, but then there were times like these. Times that he was reminded harshly that she had probably seen more than most adults could handle. When he almost felt like looking away, she finally spoke again.
"I have recently been told that perhaps it would not be impossible for me to find friendship and still maintain my position. That I should give the choice of sharing my burden, the burden of knowing that I will die young, with others. That perhaps I have done them a disservice by denying them that opportunity."
She paused and looked back out to the dancers. Caius felt his heart racing, despite his resolve, as her words sank into him. He maintained his silence as she turned to look back up at him again. "I did not believe that was possible at first, but I have had time to consider it. Perhaps that advice makes more sense than I first thought. If it is possible for someone like me, then surely it would be no issue for you."
Caius swallowed hard as her eyes stayed fixed onto him. He finally had to break his gaze away. His eyes automatically landed on the tiny blonde that was currently laughing as she was swung around in a circle. No matter how much he wished Yeul's words were true, he knew it was too much to ask. Not even if he wanted to change his mind now would he be able to rectify the past. Her laughter was like wine laced with glass. It was sweet as honey and ripped him to shreds as it washed over him.
He finally shook his head. "Those are wise words, but not every choice is as easy. I will consider them, but for tonight it would be best if we return." Yeul let go of a small sigh as she looked out once more before she turned to him with a nod. They were silent as they made their way to the compound.
Elle allowed Laer to take her to a couple more pubs. She even allowed herself to drink more than would typically be acceptable, and still, she could not bring herself to stay by his side as the night waned. It was after dark when they finally settled with a group of their peers.
Once they settled in and the group shared loud hellos and welcomes, Elle was a little guilty to see Ingens. Not that she had any problem with him, but he gave her the perfect opportunity. With him being there, she could step away from Laer and give herself time to think without any issues. Her guilt came because she knew there was no way Laer would not know why. Still, she knew she could not give him what he wanted, even if she wasn't burdened with her painful memories. She wasn't sure she would be able to give anyone that again.
She managed to catch Ingen's eye and didn't even have to say anything before he stood. He no longer saluted her all the time, but he did dip his head in respect. "Emissary, if you are ready to leave, I would be happy to escort you to your temporary lodging."
Elle glanced over at Laer and found him giving her a twisted smile. His voice was pitched low when he answered her unasked question. "I'll be fine. Just don't forget what I said."
She clenched her fists as she stood. It would be the easy thing to do, to just let him make her forget, but instead, she gave him a nod as she turned to Ingens. "Thank you."
Laer watched them walk away with a slight sigh. He had the thought that he must be destined to always watch her walk away with the Apprentice, even if this time was a little different than the last. He let the thought go as someone caught his attention, and he turned back to drown his feelings and try to enjoy what was left of the night.
The walk through the city was silent between Elle and Ingens, but not uncomfortable. They weren't exactly friends, but they were no longer enemies. More like good working acquaintances. Still, when they finally arrived in the small square that held the building Elle had been given a room in for the week, she turned to him with a slight frown. "Could you give me a few minutes before we go up? I need some time alone."
Ingens frowned at her request. "It would not be wise to leave you alone. You know I cannot do so without Laer here, and you obviously did not want him with you."
Elle looked away uncomfortably. She hadn't realized she had been so transparent that even Ingens could see how uncomfortable she had been. Still, she really needed some time. "Look, I'm not asking you to leave me alone. If you want to wait just inside the door, you can watch me. I just need a little bit to get my head straight, okay?"
He gave her a hard look for several moments before he finally nodded. "I will keep you in sight, but you will not know I am there, nor will I be able to hear unless you call out. Good enough?"
She nodded. "Thanks." He saluted in return before he turned to the building and disappeared into the door. True to his word, Elle wasn't sure if he was just inside the door or upstairs. She figured it was the former, but it was good enough.
She turned to the tiny fountain that graced the middle of the square and sat on the edge. For several minutes all she did was stare into the water and watch the moon reflect on the surface. The night and the silence brought back so many painful memories, and for the first time in a long time, she had difficulty holding back her tears.
She looked up then and wondered if Etro was watching everything. Was this what the Goddess had in mind when she saved her? Surely not. Not even a Fal'cie could be that heartless, right? Her voice was soft and low when she finally started speaking.
"Is Laer right? Would it be as easy as just letting go? Can I do that and still find a way to complete your will?"
She then pulled at a leather strip that was under her shirt and exposed a large tooth at the end of it. Her first trophy, and the one that meant the most. Not only did it mark the beginning of her place in this tribe, but it also came from Caius. He had believed in her enough to do this for her. Where had that gone? Why could they not have at least remained friends? Each day his emotional absence took a toll on her, no matter that she could see his face.
Finally, she slipped the leather from around her neck and held it up. She watched it twirl in the moonlight for several seconds before she lowered it with a sigh. She barely whispered. "I can't keep this up. Not if I want to stay sane." A single tear managed to escape as she let the leather slip from her fingers, and the tooth dropped to the bottom of the chilly water, lost in the depths of the night's shadows. She frustratedly wiped the tear away as she watched it disappear. "Goodbye."
When Caius and Yeul finally got back to the compound, she went straight to her rooms for the night. When he tried to follow her in, she stopped and practically glared at him. "Not tonight. I wish to be alone. You should find your own bed as well. The guards will be enough."
While he was the one true Guardian, Caius could not protect the Seeress all day every day, she was right about that much. It was only that he usually did not go to his bed and leave her protection to the others until much later. Still, he could not refute her desire to be alone. He gave her a salute. "As you wish. I will be here for you in the morning."
She barely nodded to him before she turned and shut the door. Caius sighed and wondered if her irritation had to do with the conversation they had earlier. Probably. That reminder, and why it had come up, made his heart clench painfully. He ignored it as he called out to the two closest guards. "The Seeress has retired for the night. Place a guard at her door until I return in the morning."
They both saluted, and one turned to take up a place next to her door while the other went to find two more to assist. One to join the one at her door and another to take the position of the one that was guarding the gate to the outer courtyard.
Once Caius was assured that the Seeress was watched safely, he turned to take her advice. Though he could not shake off thoughts of what she had said, nor of what he had seen. Somehow, while he was thinking and distracted, his feet had managed to take him to the exit of the compound instead of the sleeping quarters.
He stared at the gate for several minutes as he contemplated doing something that went against the grain. Finally, he came to a conclusion and turned to implement it before he could change his mind again. If he did not, he would end up standing there all night.
He knew he could not leave from the front gate, but there was a way he could leave undetected. Getting back in would be harder, but he would worry about that later. As he climbed over the wall, a part of his mind reminded him that he might not like what he found. Still, he had to know. He could not find peace if he did not.
Once he was out of the compound, he jogged down the path and into the city. He started to head back to where the festival was probably still in full swing but decided that perhaps he should go there by way of the temporary lodgings.
If Elle had retired early, it was possible she would be there already. Not that the thought of knowing she was there with Laer was any easier for him to swallow, but he could not seem to shake this manic energy off. It wasn't until he almost stepped into the square that he realized it was not empty.
His breath caught in his lungs as he caught sight of the moonlight glinting off of blonde locks and blue feathers. His heart nearly stopped at the sight of Elle, alone, sitting on the edge of the fountain. It started racing when she looked up, though when he caught her whispered words, he felt it shatter all over again.
He almost stepped out and showed himself, but he could not take that step. Seeing this, knowing that she was alone, that she had not moved on, was enough. Though hearing her words made him realize that might not be the case for long.
When he saw what she was holding, he reached out unconsciously but brought his hand back in a fist. No matter his desire, he could not do this to her. Not now. He had pushed her away and wanted her to move on, to give him peace of mind knowing that she could be happy without him. And yet, seeing this, hearing her tell him goodbye as the one connection they shared fell away from her, it was almost too much. Still, he knew calling out would not help her, so he bit his tongue.
He watched until she was inside the building before he finally moved into the square. He stared down at the water for some time, not quite knowing why. It wasn't until he impulsively bent to retrieve the tooth that he realized what had held him there. He looked at the dripping item for several minutes before he silently turned to go back to the complex with the tooth fisted in his hand.
Ingens had watched Elle from the shadows of the doorway with sad eyes. It had become evident to him over time that she had cared a great deal for Caius. It was not merely a matter of lust between them. That did not make him regret his decision, though sometimes he did wonder if they had all judged the couple too harshly. The Guardian could not afford to be distracted, but if he had someone that could stand by him and not need protection, was that so bad? Perhaps that was why there was no law against Guardians marrying. Society's view on the matter had only warped it over the years because the chances of it happening were next to impossible. And yet, he wondered still.
He could not hear all her words, but he gathered enough from her actions to know what she was doing. He knew this was probably the best course of action, and resolved to tell her so when she came in. Hard on the heels of that thought, he caught movement from the other side of the square. His eyes widened when he realized it was Caius.
He watched the Guardian watch the woman with hard eyes. This did not bode well, though he was glad to see the man did not approach her. Ingens silently slipped from the doorway into the shadows next to the building so he could better observe them both. He did not want the Emissary to see him when she went up.
He stayed there even after she had finally stood to go to the room that was hers for the week. He knew she would not notice the fact that he was not there. Not at first. She was too distracted. He took that opportunity to see what Caius would do.
When the Guardian walked into the square and retrieved the item Elle had dropped, Ingens' eyes narrowed. There was no mistaking the open anguish on the other man's face. Knowing the Emissary still cared was one thing, but seeing how the Guardian was here instead of by Yeul's side and knowing that it was not just the woman that held such strong feelings, that was another matter altogether.
As much as he hated the idea, perhaps it was time to do something about the situation before something terrible happened. He waited until the Guardian was gone before he slipped back into the building and up the stairs to take up his position in the outer room of the Emissary's chambers. While she was outside of the complex, he would have to stay with her. All the while, his mind was filled with what needed to come.
Elle decided to not stay out late every night of the festival. She ended up going back to the compound after the second day. Despite her resolve to let things go, she still could not seem to find much joy in things.
It was as she woke up the following morning that she turned to see something on her pillow. She blinked a few times as she sat up and looked down in confusion. It took her tired brain a few moments to realize what it was.
She reached out tentatively to touch a large behemoth tooth strung through on a strip of leather. Her heart nearly stopped as she traced the familiar chips and notches. How? Surely Ingens would not have done this. He had been the one to instigate the space between Caius and her. He had even gone so far as to remind her that it was for the best.
She could not believe that the one person that knew how much the tooth meant had miraculously gotten it back to her. That was too much to ask. Still, she could not deny the relief she felt as she picked it up with shaking hands. She had felt naked without it. She slipped it back over her head and beneath her shirt before she placed a hand over where it lay on her chest, near her heart.
No matter how it had gotten back, she would not deny that she was glad of it. She closed her eyes against the pain that thought caused. Nothing was changed, of course, but she knew now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that her heart would carry a flame for one man only.
She swallowed the anguish that thought caused as she pushed herself up to get ready for the day. No matter how she felt, life went on, and she could not ignore it. As she moved around the room, strangely enough, her pain was tempered somewhat by the feeling of the tooth against her skin.
A/N: Oh goodness, this was so hard to write. The next one won't be any easier, but trust me, it will be worth it. I promise. Anyway, please look forward to the last two or three chapters! Thanks for reading!