How much longer could Kaidan Alenko spend brooding over the fact that the woman he loved saw him as an annoying puppy?

In theory, forever. But he was a soldier, so probably he probably wouldn't make it that long. Maybe she'd finally notice him if he died a noble sacrifice.

That went darker than he meant.

Who was he kidding? Staying hung up on her would be dumb, and thinking like that was pathetic. Commander Anya Shepard clearly didn't have any feelings for him.

He fell for her because she saved his life and she fought everything with a fire in her eyes, a beacon on the battlefield. But she was also kind and treated her subordinates like friends; family. Every CO he'd ever had was interested in his L2's and the headaches, mostly for intel reasons. But none of them asked how he got them and how sometimes it felt like he wasn't a lucky survivor, but a cursed leftover.

Shepard understood that, the cursed thing. She said it was how she felt about Akuze, the mission that made her famous. He never knew someone like her could feel like him.

Hell, Kaidan could still remember the first time they met. Anderson brought him onto his ship as a new lieutenant and was touting him around, giving him the grand tour. Everyone was respectful and saluting, some making a few quips, but they all were the typical soldier types. He'd seen so many of them, passing around from ship to ship to be the resident biotic for X, Y, or Z mission. The whole process felt like old news.

But then they got to the cockpit, and instead of classic Alliance garb, there was a woman with long, brown hair bandaging up the shoulder of a shirtless pilot. Her thick brows were furrowed, her sweatpants were practically falling off her hips, and she just had a sports bra on top. Not exactly military standard. And when she glanced up at Anderson, she didn't look flustered like she got caught doing something wrong, just kinda annoyed.

Kaidan was horrified and also instantly wanted to know everything about her.

She went back to the pilot's wounds, saying, "Joker cracked his bone while high-fiving his co-pilot. Just mitigating the damage."

Anderson chuckled, like this was the norm here. "Lieutenant Alenko, the one with the chip on his shoulder is Joker, the best pilot you can get. And next to him is my second in command, Commander Anya Shepard."

After she tucked the bandage into itself, she straightened in front of Kaidan and extended her hand. He took it, rough calluses under smooth skin, but still couldn't adjust to the fact she was like... this. "Nice to meet you, Alenko. Not to hi and bye, but I was just brushing my teeth when Joker graciously called my ass up here, so I'm going to finish that. She gave a wave and then walked off the bridge.

He didn't even get to say anything to her, and he was mesmerized.

Anderson filled in the empty space. "Shepard is my best officer; an infiltrator. You'll be working closely with her on ground missions, but you'll have to keep up. She's a great shot but she's not a very patient one. Her teams move quick. We can have a more formal introduction later."

"So she's always like that?"

"Only the best could ever get away with it."

And Anderson was right. He learned more in those first few days with her than he ever did running practical drills on other ships. Shepard liked the unconventional, and it made her a stronger fighter and leader.

With how informal she was, he also caught a lot more of that sweats look than he ever meant to. But Kaidan had to admit, he liked how she looked with her hair down.

Looking around the bunks, he was one of the only people there at the moment. Only essential personnel to run the ship were left. It was kinda sad, how even though she broke his heart he was the one sticking around for so long. Guess he couldn't get over her just yet.

Harder to when she's the best boss you've ever had, and you'd be a fool to quit one of the best military jobs in the galaxy.

But just as he was settling down in his bed of tragic misery, his omni-tool pinged. On it, there was a message from Liara T'Soni. Come by my room later, please.

Kaidan was a tad perplexed. They'd never been super close, but it was her last night on the Normandy, so maybe she was just saying her goodbyes. She said later, but Kaidan had nothing better to do. Swinging off his bed, he pulled on some pants, shoved his hands in his pockets, and walked over to the med bay and her science office.

She had never been comfortable, sleeping with the soldiers. He couldn't blame her; it wasn't her scene. His parents would say it wasn't his, either, but they were kind-hearted Canadians. They never really got the military in the first place.

Maybe they would've done a better job swaying him if they hadn't sent him to that biotic school.

When he made it to Liara's door, he gave it a simple knock. She opened it within seconds, but she looked all flustered. "Hello, Kaidan." She scratched her head and then added, "I thought I asked you to come later."

With a smirk, Kaidan couldn't help but laugh. "I mean, it is later."

"You're... correct." She glanced behind her and seemed a little distressed.

"Do you need me to actually come back later?"

Liara shook her head at him like he'd said something absolutely absurd. It was kinda adorable. He had to admit, her absent-minded professor schtick was kinda refreshing after all the keep-it-tough soldier energy he'd been stuck with. "No. I apologize for the mess. I had hoped to be more packed when you got here."

"A little mess doesn't bother me." Liara gave him a tortured look and let him in. Safe to say, a little mess was an understatement on his part. Her desk was covered in Prothean Artifacts, her clothes were haphazardly falling out of a bag, and even more artifacts and books were littered around the room. Only some of them were properly boxed up. "Never knew you had so much stuff in here."

Scanning the room, Liara looked overwhelmed. Her hands kept twisting and knotting, which seemed to suggest this wasn't how it normally looked. He kinda wanted to grab them just to save her from dislocating a finger. "I didn't either. I had everything catalogued and organized on the shelves and under the bed so I didn't see them, and we just stopped so many places with Prothean tech... I guess I collected a lot more than I thought."

She gave the room a couple more frantic looks, and Kaidan made a decision. "Okay, whatever you want to talk about can wait. I'm going to help you pack."

"You don't have to-"

"I insist."

Liara gave him this soft, thankful smile, but she also kinda looked at him like she pitied him. She didn't need to know that it was this or thinking about Shepard's brutal rejection. Prothean Artifacts would always seem better. So he just asked, "Okay, so how have you been organizing things?"

For a few minutes, Liara explained her process. Then, they got to work. They bantered a bit about missions and crewmates, but otherwise they focused on the task at hand. It was nice to do something that had absolutely nothing to do with Shepard. Instead it was just him, Liara, and all these pieces of history. Liara even explained a few of them to him, and they were cooler than he'd thought they were.

And then everything was put away.

And then it was just them, the air, and whatever Liara had to say.

She suddenly looked all grave and patted the metal chest in front of her bed like it was a seat. Well, guess they were using it as one. Kaidan didn't know how to feel, sitting down next to her with her looking at him like that. Her deep blue eyes were so sympathetic and sad.

When they were side by side, she placed her hand on his knee. "Kaidan, I know Shepard finally told you. And I'm sorry she didn't feel the same way."

"Why are you giving me a speech?"

"Because I thought you might want a friend who knows how you feel."

Kaidan swallowed, looking at the scientist in a new light. That melancholy in her blue eyes was familiar; he saw it in the mirror. "You had feelings for her, too."

"Yes. But, like you, she wasn't interested. And I know how much that must hurt, because I'm hurting as well. I figured I might be able to support you better than your soldier friends, before I go."

Staring at the space between his legs, between his hands, Kaidan was still stunned by the revelation of Liara being his romantic rival. And worse, the fact neither of them got the girl. Guess Shepard really just wanted to be alone, huh? At least in that way. Instead of musing until his brain bled, he said, "Thanks for thinking of me."

"Are you going to be okay?"

He shrugged, picturing his future on this ship, one without loving her. "Yeah. It'll take time, but I'd rather be on the Normandy than anywhere else."

"I wish I was as strong. Anya offered to personally ferry me from dig site to dig site, but I couldn't. I feel bad, she wants so desperately for none of us to leave her. But she refuses to just ask us to stay instead of giving all these elaborate offers. I hope she learns to open up to people, even if it's not me."

Listening to her, Kaidan felt the weight of her words weigh on his shoulders and bury into his heart. "I was hoping I could be that person for her."

"Me, too." Liara laughed, and it was so soft and light. It didn't make him feel patronized; just heard. "I wanted someone who wanted to share who they are with me. I thought it was her, but she shares stories, not who she is. I just-"

"You just wanted to be seen. And get to see them, too."

Liara's eyes met his, and they were still wistful and hurt, but they were also filled with hope and softness. Her freckles laid across her cheeks like the constellations of her world. Where Shepard kept hiding away from him, Liara was a soulful, open person filled with emotion and kindness.

And while he admired everything about Shepard, he found he couldn't look away from Liara.

"Liara, we-"

She pressed her fingers against his lips and scanned his face. "If you're feeling what I'm feeling, that should be enough for us tonight. Nothing more, nothing less."

Kaidan didn't need more prompting than that. His arms wrapped around her waist and he pulled Liara close, pressing his lips against hers. And unlike his last attempt, she didn't pull away or punch him. Instead, her hands cradled his face.

How good it felt to be wanted.

He didn't know if whatever was happening between them was real or just the byproduct of sharing heartbreak. But with her mouth on his, Kaidan finally felt like he was getting a taste of what he had been trying so hard to make Shepard give him.

Getting as close as he could to her, he didn't try to think about tomorrow or what would be next. Kaidan just held her tight and enjoyed the next few hours of being wanted, all of him, by a beautiful woman he also admired.

It didn't matter if it wasn't love. For tonight, it didn't need to be.

Hours later, he wasn't so sure what he felt anymore. Liara's freckles were still laying out the map of her soul on her face, her shoulders, and beyond, and Shepard was still someone he loved so hard it ached. The woman next to him was beautiful and genuine and he couldn't help but see her in a new light. But it didn't change the fact that Shepard changed his life.

And he was the one that had to live with that dichotomy.

But for now, he couldn't make things complicated by spending all night with her. This wasn't some bar hook-up on the Citadel; he just slept with the Asari researcher who was leaving tomorrow. And it was on the ship of the woman he once, or maybe still, loved.

So for now, he couldn't stay.

Shaking Liara's shoulder, he said, "I have to go."

Initially, she groaned. But as her eyes opened, softened, and then filled with concern, she nodded. "Yes. Probably. This is already a very complicated situation."

"Agreed." Kaidan pulled on his clothes, trying to stop his mind from racing about all the ways this could go terribly wrong and how maybe, this was also a terrible mistake. Then he glanced back at Liara, though, wrapped in her blanket and giving him an awkward, hesitant smile, and he knew even that was more complicated than just good or bad. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Be seeing you, alright?"

Liara didn't look so sure, but she nodded anyway. "Yes. I'll be seeing you."

And that's when Kaidan left her room, like none of that happened. It was really late at night- or early in the day, depending on who you asked- but all he had to do was get across the mess and then he'd-

"On a 4 am stroll, Alenko?"

Kaidan's stomach dropped out of the goddamn ship to see Commander Shepard, dark hair tied up in a ponytail, sitting at one of the tables with this bemused look on her face.

Dammit.

/

This is my companion fic to Drunk Punch Love, where Kaidan Alenko and Liara T'Soni fall into bed and each other.

It chronicles losing Shepard, reclaiming her body, and what happens between them.

Thank you as always to my lovely patrons:

Danypooh80

Amy Connolly

If you want to support my writing, please check out my bio! All proceeds will be going towards a desktop to play games on Twitch with y'all :)