Of all the places he'd dreamed of ending up in his life, none of the things on his list included standing in between the boss he had a helpless crush on and the brilliant scientist he'd just slept with.

Running into Shepard last night, right after walking out of Liara's room, was not his favorite embarrassing moment. What made it worse is that she didn't really care; if anything, she just found it amusing.

Hell, he was happy to have Shepard as a friend, and the easy way they talked like that mattered a lot to him. Yet, his heart still did jumping jacks around her sometimes and he didn't know how to deal with that.

But watching Shepard and Liara hug at least made it less awkward. It wasn't like anything in this exchange had anything to do with his dumb choices, it was just a bizarre scenario. The kind of scenario he thought he was too responsible and mature to end up in. Kaidan guessed wrong there.

"If you ever need anything, Liara, we'll come get you."

Dr. T'Soni flashed a dazzling smile, but it didn't lack its own hints of blue. And not the typical Asari kind. "I know, Shepard. I'll miss you, too." They pulled each other in for one last hug, Liara seemed to whisper something in her ear, and Shepard stepped back, looking a little shaken by it. She waved and walked off to make sure the drop ship was ready.

And then Liara turned to him. Kaidan was pretty sure his ears were red, but he was too damn embarrassed to check. He'd just bring attention to them and he really didn't need to get reamed for that. Instead, he just took a step closer to her. "So, you're leaving."

She crossed her arms behind her back, but was careful to brush her pinky finger against his thigh. Kaidan kept his eyes forward. Act casual and natural, that was what he was supposed to do, right? Liara said, "So, you're bad at goodbyes."

"I guess I am." Taking a side step and turning towards her, Kaidan extended his hand, full formal. "It's been an honor serving with you, Dr. T'Soni."

Liara looked down at his hand like he just offered her a tentacle. Gently, she picked it up and shook it. "Likewise?"

Then, Kaidan pulled her arm towards him and went for a hug. Unlike the handshake, Liara responded with warmth. It felt like the right thing to do, now that he thought about it. And he knew it was lasting longer than two casual colleagues should hug, but regulations be damned. It wasn't like Shepard was great at keeping them up to code, anyway.

When they disentangled, Kaidan grinned at all those freckles across her face. They were really growing on him, and fast. But he wanted to say that without being so, well... obvious. "I wish we'd spent more time together on this mission. You're a fascinating woman, Liara T'Soni."

While he didn't know how Asari biology worked down to the capillaries, he could've sworn she blushed. "Maybe another time, Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko."

Trying to be a little bold, Kaidan reached forward and grabbed her hand, squeezing her fingertips quick before Shepard was barking at her to get on the drop ship. Liara squeezed back. But then she was walking onto the ship, standing next to the Commander, with her hair down, and disappearing behind metal doors.

God, what had he gotten himself into?

Kaidan had a few days to ask himself that. They were travelling to Alchera and there wasn't much to do except try not to annoy Joker or be the third wheel to Shepard and Garrus' bizarre friendship. He really couldn't understand it, every third sentence was a reference to a movie or moment that he hadn't seen or wasn't there for. It made deciphering them impossible.

So, he was understandably a bit broodish, often left alone to his thoughts. And now, they weren't just about Shepard. They were about Liara, too. Kaidan wished he could say he jumped ship, picked the girl who had any interest in him, but it was hard to forget Shepard existed when her existence took up the entire ship.

Maybe he'd have a clearer head when he took shore leave in a few days.

It was their last day scouting Alchera, when Shepard and Joker threw an impromptu goodbye party for Garrus. There was a lot of soldier talk and even drunken speeches (almost entirely from the pilot). But he could tell he wasn't the only one brooding anymore. There was this somber, morbid energy coming off both Shepard and Garrus, and he couldn't quite decode the dark looks they kept giving each other.

Instead, he thought it was best to give them some space. So after one more drunken speech, he whisked Joker away. For the best, really, guy didn't need to be that drunk anyway.

Kaidan just grabbed several bottles of water and they both went to hang out in the cockpit, like all civilized people do. Joker was sitting in his chair and Kaidan sat in the co-pilot's seat, sipping their water. Joker was the first to speak. "I wasn't kidding, she's gonna be the worst once he's gone."

Looking out to the stars ahead, Kaidan nodded. "They do spend a lot of time together."

"I am so not ready for her to be all moody everywhere. It was annoying enough when it happened with Rike." Kaidan was only half paying attention, but at the name "Rike", his ears perked up. Wasn't that the name of the officer she liked in Academy? And if he was remembering right, why was Joker bringing him up when talking about-

But then Joker kept on talking over his thoughts. "You did the smart thing, giving up on her. She's a goddamn handful, and that's even without all the Garrus mess she's made for herself."

He put down his water bottle and sat straight up, like a bolt of lightning, of clarity, just shot through him. Whatever he thought he was interrupting, though, he didn't want it to be right. "What are you talking about?"

The slowly unbuzzing pilot laughed straight in his face. "Stop that. Everyone knows Anya's in love with him. Lady always had a thing for aliens."

Just then, so many memories started smacking Kaidan in the face. The way she still looked so hurt when talking about heartbreak a few nights ago. How gentle Liara was about him getting let down, like it should sting more. The way they always were sneaking off to hang out alone, and the way she smiled at him, like no one else existed. And that night, after Noveria. All drunk Shepard wanted to do was glue herself to Garrus' side. And Garrus held onto her like he'd never let her go.

Did loving her really make him so dumb? How did he not see any of it before?

Joker, unhelpful as ever, just kept talking. "Funnier part is, clueless idiot Shep thinks he doesn't like her. You'd have to be blind to not see he's obsessed with her. They just have their heads too far up each other's asses to think straight."

Kaidan didn't know if he should laugh or lament. He spent months pining after her, and it never mattered. It wasn't that she just chose the job over romance. It was that she wanted someone else. And it wasn't him.

So, that last fantasy of her wanting to be with him once the Reapers were dead was gone. Things with her really were over and hopeless.

Before Kaidan could even try to contribute to the reality-shattering news, a rocky ship appeared in front of the Normandy. And even before Joker could get a good handle on the helm, they shot a vicious yellow lazer at them that tore through the hull. Every one of his senses was now on fire, and he kicked the rest of the water bottles away.

All he had to do was stand to see that the cockpit was the only part of the bridge left standing. Everything behind it, all the way to the elevator, was now shot into space. Kaidan could barely breathe, let alone think. He just found her name on his lips. "Shepard."

Joker started yelling behind him. "I'll get the ship running from that sunuvabitch, you make sure she's okay."

He didn't have to be told twice.

Gearing up with the spare helmet and suit by the helm's exit bay, he traversed the broken deck and went downstairs. When he got to the crew floor, he checked on the pilot he left. He said into his comms, "Joker, you better prep for evac."

"Absolutely not, I am not leaving the Normandy."

Okay, that was a stubborn problem they could deal with later.

Across the open room, he saw Garrus and Shepard gearing up, watched her sweep her long hair into her classic, tight bun. A knot of biotics stopped pooling in his rib cage. For now, she was okay, and all he had to do was report and help her save the people on this ship.

He grabbed a hobbling helmsman who ended up at the bottom of the stairs and walked over to them. They were now yelling in front of the escape pods, and he wasn't sure about what. Shepard's voice was the first he heard clearly. "Do one more quick look for other survivors, and then you get my people out of here."

Next to her, Garrus looked more frightened and vulnerable than he'd ever seen him before. But Shepard barely could meet his eyes. He said, "Shepard, I'm not leaving you."

It felt like such an awkward, intimate moment to interrupt, especially knowing what he knew now. But he glanced around the deck and gave the sort of assessment he was supposed to give. "We've gotten a lot of people out, but there's one problem: Joker's refusing to leave the ship."

Shepard's face twisted, and Kaidan's stomach dropped. He realized that he may have made the biggest mistake of his life. Thumbing her helmet, she said, "Idiot." But without missing a beat, she put on her game face and turned into the Commander he'd follow anywhere. "Alenko, Vakarian, get these people out. I'll find Joker and send anyone else toward the leftover escape pods."

Kaidan was ready to follow her orders, like he should. She was Shepard, she'd figure it out.

But Garrus didn't seem satisfied. He grabbed the Commander's arm and refused to let go. It was almost like he was suffocating, looking at her. "And what about you? I won't let you go alone."

In a few quick expressions, Kaidan saw Anya showing more emotion looking at Garrus than he ever saw when she looked at him. But she shoved off the turian's hand and insisted. "I'll find you. Now, that was an order. Go."

And then she was jogging off to the stairs, like it was that easy. He and Garrus pulled the last few nearby people into the pod and then hit eject, watching Anya Shepard climb the stairs and into oblivion.

He kept on telling himself she was going to be okay, because that's what she did. She was the survivor of Akuze, the Hero of the Citadel, the first human Spectre. She was Commander Anya Shepard.

As he finished buckling himself in, he heard Garrus say, "You were with Joker when we got hit, right? You should've stayed with him until evac. Or did you forget that because you're just too damn blind about your feelings?"

Kaidan didn't know what to say. His certainty about her safety wavered, looking across the escape pod at Garrus's dark face, teeming with rage. When the turian finally glanced up at Kaidan, his blue eyes had glazed over and he seemed ready to rip his throat out with his own teeth. Giving a low growl, Garrus said, "That's what I thought." He let Kaidan's chest start to ache in the silence before adding, "If she doesn't make it out of this, Alenko, I'll kill you myself."

/

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