AN:

Hey guys!

I'm attempting to do a little writing exercise for my wife on here. This idea started off on a Harry Potter Minecraft server. I found it much easier to write for the classes if I kept the characters the same throughout. Thus, Daniel and Matthew were born. My wife enjoyed the short stories, and has been continuously "encouraging" me to properly flesh them out. So, as a portion of her Christmas gift, I have pledged to do so. I will create quite a few characters throughout the story, and will likely steal a few as well. I will note in the AN who I stole, and (if I can recall) where I stole them from. If I stole something you're familiar with, and didn't properly notate it, let me know so I can update the AN.

That being said, there will be a few setup chapters, and then we'll settle into a silly episodic method of storytelling. This is to take place during the beginning of Voldemort's first rise. I'm not planning on having them meet any well-known characters from the HP universe, or have them accomplish anything overly amazing. I might have a Death Muncher skirmish in here later on, but again, nothing groundbreaking. This is simply a drawn-out story about two dinguses being dinguses. The chapters will go off of one another, so I won't have anything ridiculous happen and then backtrack afterwards.

Concerning the rating, there will be some rather harsh language, but no gore and no smut. I also don't plan on having any pairings, but I'm not fully opposed to the idea, so I might end up eating those words. I'm keeping the rating M to be safe, and because there will be some kaleidoscope-level colorful language in here.

I do not currently have a beta, nor do I think I ever will. So, in spite of my best efforts, there will be errors.

Anyways, feel free to read and enjoy. Updates will be approximately once a week.

I've rambled for far too long, so here we go.

"Congratulations, Mister Daniel Pond." The jovial short man spared me a small smile as he reached out to shake my hand. "You've successfully passed your Charms NEWT. We'll send the final grade along within a week or two, but I daresay you're not terribly concerned about it. You clearly have an above average understanding of the subject, and your ingenuity is truly a wonder!"

I smiled through the overly-long conversation. "Thank you for your kind words, Professor."

"Of course, lad!" He finally let go of my hand, which allowed me to quickly make my way out of the exam room.

My brisk pace through the hallways paused at the newsstand, and even then, only for a moment. I leafed through the back portion of the paper while dodging my fellow pedestrians, many of whom were looking at me with some level of disdain. Apparently, it was rude to read a newspaper while walking down Diagon Alley. I did choose to stow away the paper as I reached the front steps of Gringotts, however; there's a difference between being casually rude and being suicidal.

The lines were short, which wasn't surprising for an early Tuesday afternoon. I stepped into the shortest line, and was quickly seen to.

"May your enemies be required to deal with the most obnoxious of Wizarding Britain." I intoned with a small bow. The Goblin behind the desk cracked a small grin. I continued, "Senior Teller, I wish to set up a meeting with Matthew Wells concerning his request for a housemate."

The Goblin nodded and wrote something in his enormous ledger, "Mister Wells is currently in a meeting with his account manager. I will have the message passed on."

"Understood." I replied, "I'll wait near the benches for him, then."

"Do you have any further business with Gringotts today?"

"Possibly, but that depends upon the aforementioned meeting."

"Very well." The Goblin made another mark in the ledger. "May your discussion be fruitful."

I bowed again, "May your afternoon be as pleasant as possible, considering..." I trailed off as I vaguely waved towards the humans waiting in line. I didn't respond to the small snort the Goblin made, nor to the various reaction said humans had. The quickest way to the heart of the Goblins was gold, obviously, but the best alternative was through snark and not wasting time.

I pulled out the newspaper again to wait out Matthew. Pretty much every article was going to be either useless or not trustworthy, but I'd rather look busy than look like I'm loitering, especially in Gringotts.

As it turns out, the wait was only about five minutes. I looked up to see Matthew walking towards me, a vague spark of recollection in his eyes. "Pond?"

I stood up and took his proffered hand. "Correct, Wells. Five to Hufflepuff."

He chuckled quietly. "Are you looking to room together?"

I smirked, "Another five to Hufflepuff."

He rolled his eyes, "You're setting the bar a bit low, aren't you?"

"I'm going to ignore the wide open door you gave me there." At his questioning look, I clarified, "It's Hufflepuff; the bar started low as it is."

I ignored his mock outrage as I strolled back to the Goblin. Thankfully, the line was nonexistent for the moment; I didn't feel like waiting again. "Senior Teller, I will require the meeting with my account manager at his leisure."

The Goblin made another mark in his book "4 this afternoon, Pond."

I nodded again. "Understood. May your customers and your victories be decisive."

"So, what happened with you?" Matthew asked as we exited Gringotts. "You just didn't come back to Hogwarts after Fourth Year. The rumor mill went crazy for at least two months, but then someone owled their parents and we found out that you were being schooled at home."

"That's pretty much what happened." I replied. "I didn't come back for Fifth Year after I determined that I wouldn't be able to pass my Potions or Transfiguration OWLs. It was a waste of time to go back and fail two of my core classes, so my family paid for tutors instead. I ended up with OWLs in Herbology and Magical Creatures, and NEWTs in Charms, Defense, and Arithmancy. I also have an OWL in Runes theory, but my handwriting prevents me from being able to actually practice them."

"What happened with Transfiguration? I know you weren't a fan of the animal parts in Potions... But Transfiguration? Was it due to your wand?"

I glanced down at my wand holster. "Cedar and Phoenix, 12.5, solid." I muttered to myself. "The wand doesn't dislike Transfiguration itself. I'm incapable of picturing or holding an image in my head."

Matthew gaped at me as we sat down in the Leaky Cauldron. "Blimey. You can't picture anything at all? How do you function?"

I shrugged "Practice, I guess. People function while being actually blind all the time."

He nodded. "I hadn't thought of that."

I yawned, "So, roommates?"

He nodded again. "Sure. I've needed one for a while, and we got along at Hogwarts."

"Good. What NEWTS did you end up getting?"

"Herbology, COMC, Potions, Transfiguration. OWLs in Charms, DADA, and Runes."

"Did you end up getting a new wand? I know you struggled with the old one a bit."

"Yeah. Maple and Dragon heartstring, 13", slightly springy. It made Transfiguration way easier."

The bartender walked by with an enormous plate of potato wedges, causing both of us to stop our conversation and stare at it.

"We'll take one of those." I said to him as he walked by. He nodded in response and continued towards the group a few booths away from us.

The small talk continued through our carb-heavy late lunch. Matthew was thinking about obtaining a Mastery in Herbology. I was working on one in Arithmancy. Neither of us were too concerned about the random attack that happened last weekend that the Daily Prophet was still carrying on about. It was nine or ten days ago, and there hadn't been a repeat occurrence yet. By the time I looked at the grandfather clock in the Leaky Cauldron, it was nearing 3:45. I was not going to be late for an appointment at Gringotts, so I bid Matthew farewell and made my way once more into the bank.

The Goblins must have changed shift, as the one currently occupying the desk I used earlier looked a bit more surly.

"State your business, Human."

"Appointment with Toothripper at 4 PM, Goblin."

He sneered at my disrespect, "You're early, Human."

"Early is on time, Goblin."

He gestured towards a younger Goblin standing at attention. "Bloodfang, bring this human to Toothripper."

I nodded to the younger Goblin "Greetings, Bloodfang. I will follow your lead."

Bloodfang turned on his heel and marched towards a door at the back of the bank. I followed him through the door, down a hallway, and to a moderately sized room that I had become familiar with over the years.

"Thank you, Bloodfang." I intoned as the Goblin rapped on the door.

"Enter," The call came from within the room.

"Greetings, Account Overseer Toothripper."

"Greetings Mister Pond."

"May your enemies become intimately familiar with Dragons."

Toothripper barked a laugh, "May the secrets of numerology fall at your feet."

I noticed that Bloodfang was still at the door, and seemed greatly surprised at my treatment of my account manager. "The Senior Teller would have been treated with respect as well, had he not been such a fucking prick."

Toothripper glanced at Bloodfang before returning his gaze to me. "Harsh as always, Mister Pond."

"Respect, like time, is always earned."

"Indeed."

"I can't even call him by name, as Gringotts stopped putting nameplates at the tellers' desks."

"Some wizards seemed to think that knowing our names was equivalent to owning us."

I shook my head, "You can't fix stupid."

"An axe would argue differently."

"Only a fool argues with an axe in the hands of a Goblin." I muttered.

"Indeed." He paused for a moment, "What can Gringotts assist you with today, Mister Pond?"

"I am entering into the roommate contract with Matthew Wells. I met with him today to confirm."

"Has he spoken with his account manager?"

"To my knowledge, he will return tomorrow. I don't believe he has made an appointment."

"Your fellow wizards have difficulty understanding the importance of time."

"My fellow wizards have difficulty understanding anything that isn't hand-fed to them."

He barked another laugh. "Indeed. I have the papers here. Read them and sign as required."

The signing was fairly straightforward. It covered payment, handling of belongings, penalties, and the like. I handed over the papers after I'd finished with them.

"Does that conclude your business with Gringotts today?"

"It does. Thank you for your time, Account Overseer. May your enemies waste away."

"May your vault be filled with gold."

That's all for now! See you all next week!