January 7

5:05 p.m.

"Lee, do I seem shut off to you?" The pot slipped out of Rosemary's hand and banged on the top of the stove. She turned and gave him a sheepish smile. "Sorry." Supper was going to be a mite late tonight. She had tried to lie down for a nap after her complete scouring of the kitchen, which now sparkled and shone, but she was not able to rest her eyes, or her thoughts. They had swirled in her head until she knew what she must do: She must confront Lee about it tonight, and see what he thought of her. Did she truly walk around town believing her past was hidden while everyone could plainly see she was harboring a secret beneath the surface? How exasperating! If only Dottie hadn't stirred up all these tumultuous emotions.

She glanced at Lee underneath her lashes. He had his back turned to her and was hanging his coat up on the coatrack by the front door. She waited as he made his way to the settee and sat down, snapping the newspaper open.

"Lee?"

"Yes, dear."

"My question- what do you think?"

"Oh, I thought it was just a rhetorical question. You really want an answer?"

She dumped the chicken stock and veggies into the pot and left the spoon near the stove before making her way to his side, where she perched on the edge of the settee.

Lee glanced up at her and sighed. He folded his paper and set it aside.

"Umm, okay, I'm not sure where this is coming from but I'd venture to say that usually you are anything but shut off. You are usually more than willing to share anything and everything that is on your heart."

Rosemary's brow puckered.

"What? Isn't it true? I don't think anyone would have any ought to hold anything against you. You are usually a very warm and welcoming person. That is one of the things I love most about you." He tweaked her nose and smiled, his dimple flaring.

"What about toward you? Do I appear to be forthright with you?"

Lee rubbed his jaw. Oh no, now he was going to tell her he knew. He knew she'd been holding him an arm length's away. But was she ready to confess? She sat frozen in her seat, waiting for him to address the issue, but he remained silent. With all that was in her, she willed her mouth to speak.

"Lee Coulter, am I drawing a sense of hesitance from you?"

"No, not really, Rosemary. You've actually just touched on something I have been wanting to talk to you about for a long time. Not on your reluctance, but more about mine." Lee's face grew serious and he reached for her hand.

Oh dear, what was this man of hers going to say? What could he have been hiding from her? Her heart raced a mile a minute.

"Now don't look all worried like that, Rosie." Lee rubbed his thumb across the tip of her hand, his eyes deep pools of blue. "Come here." He scooted over on the settee and patted the cushion. She reluctantly sat, secretly scared of what might come next. He leaned forward and their eyes connected, his eyes conveying warmth and security. She let herself relax a bit.

"Until last April, when Cody became ill, I haven't really opened up to you about my past." His words came warm and soft. "This last year, I'm not sure if you have noticed, but something's changing in me, Rosie. Something is re-emerging, new and well… rebirthed, you could say. I've been meeting with Pastor Frank every Tuesday at lunch break, and well… this past week, something amazing happened. I don't know how to explain it except to say, my heart is now on the right track. I've been on the verge for awhile, but it's official now: Rosemary, I have recommitted my life to Christ."

He glanced at her face, obviously wondering what he would see there. She felt confused: hadn't he always believed? Sensing his need for encouragement, she swallowed her hesitation, and gave him a small smile. He continued.

"Pastor Frank, he's been amazing. I have had so many questions, so many doubts, and each one he's met with the word of God, the truth. It has opened my eyes to things I used to know. I used to know them, up here" he pointed to his head, "but now I know them in core of who I am. I feel for too long I have just tried to be the self-made man. I have tried to do it all on my own strength. And yes, I know, that is one of the things that drew you to me: my drive to become great, to do something adventurous and wonderful. That's always going to be apart of me, but now, now I feel this peace at who I am and what I am doing. I believe it is not just me manufacturing my doings. I've got an inside man, someone who is leading me. Someone with a greater plan than me. Pastor Frank also helped me realize that in those dark days after I lost Patrick, even then, God was there with me. For so long, I saw those dark days as moments God has deserted me, failed me. Now, my eyes are opened that He was there. He always has been and always will be."

She swiped at a tear gathering in her eyes and squeezed his hand. His face was softer, more at peace than she had ever seen.

"But that's not all. I want to apologize to you, Rosie." Those two eyes of blue reached out to her in a newfound sincerity.

"What? No—"

"Shhh… let me finish. I want to say I am sorry for not being the spiritual leader of this family that you need me to be. I've come alive, I am now ready to lead you, and our baby, in a household that honors God first. I'm a changed man, Rosie. No more wandering. I'm home."

Suddenly numerous tears pricked the back of her eyes at the honestly coming from her husband's lips. Oh, she had never thought he was failing at being a spiritual leader. She thought he was doing just fine, but now hearing his words, she realized that he was whole. His words, they lit something in her. Something that made her want to be whole, too. Oh sure, years ago, she had gone down the altar at Father's church. She'd stood at the front with tears streaming down her eyes and prayed with the pastor to give control of her life over to God. She'd meant every word. But somehow a shell had formed over her heart. It was a shell formed by time and challenges. No longer was her heart a heart of flesh, but it had become more like the consistency of stone. Oh sure, she went to church every week, listened to the words, and even said her prayers. But something, something had been wedged tight between her heart and the arms of a Savior. And she could now see clearly what it was: her secret. She swallowed. What if she just told Lee everything right now? What if that dark secret she held close was poured out to him? What would he think? And what if she let down that wall that was holding, not only others, but also God out? Her eyes leaked tear after tear.

Lee embraced her in a hug.

"Life isn't going to be the same for us, Rosie. This is a new start."

Lee was mistaking her tears for a celebration of the man he had now become. Let him think it for now. She would try to get a handle on this, try to control it herself. Only problem was: she'd been trying to control it for so long, she feared her grip was starting to slip. But what was the alternative? Complete exposure and honestly. She wasn't sure she was ready for that. She let the last cold, desperate tears roll off her cheek before pulling her mask back up over her soul.