Season 01 / Episode 04: Head Noob in Charge

The screen lit up again, this time showing the members of the blue team, still standing around the tank.

"Donut is so boned," smirked Marisa, clearly enjoying his oncoming misery. "He's charging dick-first into enemy territory, without knowing what he's dealing with!"

"Marisa, you just described your own MO," muttered Reimu, getting exhausted nods from Alice and Sanae.

Marisa just chuckled sheepishly in response, scratching her cheek in embarrassment.

"Yeah, I'll let you in on a little secret," started Church the conversation. "I've, uh, actually got a girl back home."

"I'm so sorry, Reimu," grinned Marisa, as Sanae patted Reimu's back in a mock-comforting manner. Alice simply giggled in the background.

"... Why?" asked the shrine maiden tiredly, already suspecting what's coming.

"Well, it looks like your boyfriend is already taken," laughed the witch, causing Reimu to groan while the other two joined Marisa.

"I hate you guys..."

"Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?" asked Tucker.

"No man, she's just my girlfriend, you know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out and... ah, you know how it works."

"Everyone who thinks that he's going to die, please raise your hand," stated Alice, lifting her right hand as she spoke. The others followed right away.

"Yeah, he's not gonna make it through the first season," agreed Reimu.

"His poor girlfriend," Sanae sighed sorrowful, clapping her hands for a quick prayer.

"Are you talking about Reimu?" asked Marisa, smirking.

"WOULD YOU FUCKERS QUIT IT ALREADY?!" roared the shrine maiden in question, causing Marisa's hat to fly away from the force behind it.

"Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?"

"I'm not gonna get married," cut Caboose in. "My dad always said 'Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?'"

"WHAT!?" the girls all shouted in unison this time.

- Somewhere between dimensions -

Yukari Yakumo, also known as the 'Demon that sleeps between Reality and Fantasy', fell of her couch with a startled yelp.

"Hey, rookie," Church began, clearly pissed as he stepped forwards threateningly. "Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"

"No, I think he called her a slut," said Tucker, gleefully adding oil to the fire.

"I can't believe I have to agree with the pervert," mumbled Alice, rubbing her temple.

"I'll tell you what noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long," continued Church. "But as it turns out, I've got a lot more important job for you to do."

Realizing his life was about to get much, much harder, Caboose visibly deflated.

"Great…"

"Stop whining, ya had it coming," grunted Marisa.

"See, we've got this... general."

"Right, the... general guy," said Tucker, acting (badly) like this was a normal occurrence.

"Who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what am I have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention. Just in case he decides to come by."

"Wh-When is he coming by?"

"We never know," replied Tucker. "Could be today, could be... weeks from now."

"You want him to stand at attention for a week?" asked Sanae. "I understand that he's angry, but it still seems a bit harsh."

Sanae, ever the gentle soul.

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?"

"Hey, it's an echo."

"You know, you don't sound very grateful," Church said. "This is the most important job at the whole base! You're gonna be right there with the flag!"

"Wait a sec...," mumbled Marisa, tilting her head contemplatively.

"What's so important about the flag?"

"Aw, come on! Don't they teach you guys anything in training?"

"Probably how to be an idiot," stated Alice, giggling into the palm of her hand.

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?"

"Because it's the flag, man, you know! It's-It's the flag! It's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."

"Well... it's... it's complicated!" Tucker tried to explain. "Uh... It's blue, we're blue."

"Oh kami on a motorcycle and Buddha in the side car," cursed Sanae in realization, her eyes widening.

"It's just important, okay? Trust us," Church finished.

- Red -

- Blue -

- Flag -

Everyone's jaw dropped.

- Capture the motherf*cking Flag -

"THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS BULLSHIT... IS TO CAPTURE A FUCKING FLAG?!"

- Somewhere somewhere -

Yukari, who was just getting comfortable again, yelped, as this time the entire couch fell over from the shockwave, burying her under it.

"Who is running this army?!" yelled Reimu in disgust. "And why would anyone even join it willingly?!"

"This is terrible," whimpered Sanae, tearing up.

"I could understand it if it would run by restrictions similar to our 'Spell Card Rules'," agreed Alice, her expression grim. "But from the looks of it, they're using real-life ammunition and weaponry. Someone could actually die by this."

"This is absolutely, completely, fucking NUTS," summarized Marisa what they're all thinking.

"So when the general comes by , the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag," Church continued.

"Right," Tucker added.

"So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him."

Without any other choice, Caboose turned around and jogged towards the base, but stopped after a few paces, and turned around. "Uh, how will I know when I see him?"

"There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's going to be a guy that doesn't look like one of us," answered Tucker.

"I can already see were this is going," sighed Alice.

"Now get in there, and don't come out!" Church ordered and then turned to Tucker. "Man, that guy is dumber than you are!"

"You mean he's dumber than you are!"

"Wow, Tucker. That was a great comeback," Church said sarcastically.

"Jeez, even Cirno could probably think of something better," joked Marisa.

"Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?" Caboose called from the base's entrance.

"Oh. My. God. WHAT!?" He turned to Tucker. "Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him."

"S-Sorry about calling you girl a slut."

"You're forgiven," smiled Sanae gently, happy that at least one of the soldiers seemed like a decent person.

Stupid, but decent.

"ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!" Church shouted back.

And the mood was ruined. Again.

Cue Tucker turning around and trying to hide his laughter.

"Tucker? Are you laughing at me?" Church asked, clearly annoyed, turning around to face him.

The perfect moment for Donut to finally show up.

"Excuse me, sir? Can I ask you a question?"

"Dear god in heaven, rookie. If I turn around, and you are not inside... I can't be held responsible for what I'm going to do to you!" Church threatened, not even bothering to turn around.

"Gotta love the classics," smirked Reimu, with Marisa nodding in agreement.

"What did I do?"

"ONE!"

"Aw, give me a break!"

"TWO!"

"FINE!" Donut replied angrily, before jogging into the base, appearing in front of Caboose… and the flag.

"That's exactly what I expected," groaned Alice, facepalming.

"Wow! You got here fast!"

"He thinks he's the general," noted Sanae.

"Why is everybody so freakin' rude in this canyon?"

"Certainly not because of the ungodly amount of love, piece and tolerance there."

"I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?"

"Finally! Someone with a little respect around here!"

"Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this," said Caboose, motioning to the flag.

"Wait, is this all you have?"

"Uh, yes sir! That's it!"

"Aw man! This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?"

"Um..."

"Headlight fluid?"

"And Private Cupcake still thinks he's at the store," commented Marisa, whirling her hat on her left index finger.

"Nope. All we have is the flag."

"Well, I can't go back empty handed. I guess I'll take that."

"Sure... that makes sense... I guess," agreed Caboose, uncertainly.

"Man, they're going to give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag," Donut moaned as he grabbed the flag and jogged off.

"And they won the war through stupidity," commented Alice. "Why am I not surprised?"

- The scene changed back to Church and Tucker outside -

"Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin! Go ahead and hop in Tucker."

"Yeah, let us see the tank in action!" cheered Marisa, before she noticed Alice raising the rolled-up newspaper again.

"... I'll be good..."

"Me? I can't drive that thing!"

"What?!"

"You're telling me you're not armour-certified?!"

"I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle!"

"Then why do you even want it in the fist place?" wondered Sanae.

"Don't you know how to drive that?"

"NO! Holy CRAP! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!?" Church cried to the heavens in frustration and disbelief.

"THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW!"

"Hey!" yelled Caboose, as he stepped out of the base. "Just wanted to let you know! The general stopped by and picked up the flag!"

"YEAH! OK! WHATEVER, MORON!" Church called back, before continuing his rant. "Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing?"

"Why would they give you a base and weapons in the first place?" asked Reimu, still irritated by this whole situation.

Then the words of the rookie finally catched up to him. "... Wait a second. What did he just say?" he asked as the screen went black.

Character Introduction

Name: Cirno

Race: Youkai (Fairy)

Age: implied to be over 60 years

Occupation: None

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Aqua

Special Features: She has six icicle-shaped wings

Title: Ice Fairy of the Lake

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Manipulation of Ice

Notes:

Cirno is an ice fairy, who brags to be 'the strongest there is'. Which is partially true, if one considers the power level of an average fairy. She's rather immature and incompetent, as you might expect from her child-like appearance.

She's also physics-defyingly stupid. No really, she's an idiot.