Season 01 / Episode 07: Check Out the Treads on that Tank

"You got some kind of problem with me, ya stalking bitch?"

"Depends, do you have a problem with me, you thieving bitch?"

"Watch what you say, bird brain, or I'll cook you and see what a roasted overgrown crow tastes like," Marisa declared with a dangerous sparkle in her eyes.

"Ha, yeah right. I'll be hovering around you while you flail around like the clumsy fool you are," Aya countered with a smirk, causing the witch to growl as she started to approach her. Marisa pulled her mini-Hakkero out of her pocket, while the wind around Aya started to pick up, encasing her in a whirling vortex of air.

Only for Reimu to appear between them, grabbing their heads and smacking them against each other, knocking both to the ground with a sickening sound.

Back at the table, Alice and Sanae winced.

"If you're going to rip each other a new one, at least do it outside!" snarled the shrine maiden to the moaning heap before her feet.

"But mu-m!~" whined Marisa, rubbing her temple in pain. "Aya was eating MY snacks!"

"Why you little...!" growled Aya in response. "You took my snacks first! Besides, after that stunt you pulled earlier, you have no right to complain about a few lousy manyuu!"

"Both of you, shut the fuck up!" interfered an irritated Reimu, quietening the two quarrelling girls. "Either you behave, or I'm trapping you two in a locker to get you past your love-hate standoff!"

Dead silence.

Sanae and Alice starred at the drama in front of them in shock, with the former blushing slightly.

Marisa and Aya jumped back on their feet, putting as much distance between them as possible, their faces heating up as well.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT 'LOVE'?!" both yelled in unison, pointing at each other.

"By the four winds, what possesses you to believe that I would even want a thing with this tomboy?!"

"What in the everlasting fuck would make you think I would even have an attraction to this sad sack of feathers?!"

Looking back and forth between the two of them, Reimu shrugged. "You two are at each other's throats since forever. So either you two just naturally hate each other, or this is your own way of expressing your attraction. Either way, stuff it, or else."

"She master-sparked me! In the face! Also, 'or else' what?" Aya challenged the shrine maiden, as Marisa looked at her in horror, moving her hands in a waving fashion as she mouthed out 'NO!'.

"Or else I'll ask Sakuya to prepare a romantic dinner for the both of you, with the majority of Gensokyo watching, and you two have no choice but to commence with the date," Reimu's grin grew broader as the pair just looked at her with their mouths gaping in horror.

"Umm... isn't that unethical? Besides, I doubt that you can actually force them to do such a thing," Sanae stated carefully, causing the duo to look at her with hopeful expressions.

Waving a hand at the fellow miko, Reimu snorted. "Who said that I am the one forcing them?" she grinned. "I'm sure Sakuya and Patchouli, will be thrilled to help me with playing matchmaker. Ain't that right, Marisa?"

As horror retook their expressions, Marisa looked at Aya.

One she might be able to handle. Two if she's rerally lucky. But three who are out for her blood at once?

"Truce?"

Looking back, the tengu held a hand out as well. "Truce."

Sanae and Alice meanwhile were holding each other in fear, while Reimu happily clapped her hands.

Who said you can't solve a problem without violence? Truly, peaceful solutions are the best.

"So, then let us continue, shall we?" she smiled. The others just nodded silently, sweating.

The episode started were the last one ended, with Church and Tucker still hiding behind the rock and Simmons firing non-stop at the wall next to them.

"... My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?" Church asked.

"Outside weaponry is quite impressive," commented Alice. "That kind of fire power would make any danmaku battle a living hell. More than usual, I mean."

"That's LUNATIC! Please go EASY on them!" pleaded Sanae.

"You know, in hindsight, we should've brought the tank," complained Tucker.

"Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?"

"Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy."

"Well, yeah, but... aw man, I guess I gotta give that one to you."

Alice smirked. "Does anyone else noticed that those two act a lot like Reimu and Marisa?"

"... I can see it," agreed Sanae, ignoring the indignant protests of the two in question.

"Yeah, the grump and the pervert," laughed Aya.

- Blue Base -

Cue to Caboose, climbing into the tank.

"Gotta say," whistled Aya. "I didn't notice earlier, but this is one sexy piece of machinery. If there was ever someone for me, it would be this one."

Reimu deadpanned. "You're in love with the tank now, too? Also, better don't let Momiji hear that."

"I'd send you the wedding invitations, but tomorrow seems like short notice~."

Marisa laughed. "You have good taste, stalker crow!" Then her face darkened. "But this one's mine, got it?"

"We'll see about that, you little burglar!"

They than crumpled to the ground as Reimu's elbows impacted their guts, leaving Alice shaking her head and Sanae giggling.

As soon as the hatch closed, the tank started to… speak?

["Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."]

"Holy shit, that thing can talk?" asked a befuddled Reimu.

"Hey, don't call her an 'it'!" growled Marisa angrily.

"No comment from you?" asked Sanae the reporter of the group quietly.

"Nah, I don't really care about the tank," answered Aya just as silently, smirking. "I just wanna mess with Marisa."

"Hello. Shiela. Big tank lady," Caboose replied nervously, clearly not sure how to handle the situation.

["Would you like me to run the tutorial program?"]

"Oh, that would be very nice. Thank you!"

"That would at least explain why their command sent them a tank despite no one has a certification" stated Alice, tilting her head. "But I don't think this substitutes actual training."

["Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Let's begin with some driving."]

"Okay," agreed Caboose, as they drove off.

- With the Reds -

Simmons was still firing the machine gun, with Grif standing next to him.

"Simmons!" Grif called, but got no response. "SIMMONS!" Simmons finally stopped shooting and got off the Warthog.

"Man, that thing is loud!" complained the orange soldier.

"It kind of is," agreed Marisa, picking her left ear with her pinkie.

"WHAT!?" Simmons asked back loudly.

Unnoticed by both of them, the tank drove by in the background.

"How can they miss a seventy ton vehicle driving behind them?" wondered Sanae aloud.

"Maybe they're still a little deaf from the shooting?" suggested Reimu.

"Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out."

"OKAY!"

"Yeah, definitely deaf."

"Keep it down! Jesus! Let's go before the figure out what's going on."

- Back with Caboose and Sheila -

Caboose somehow managed to drive the tank halfway up a boulder.

["Now that you've mastered the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features."]

The girls couldn't help but laugh at the situation.

"Oh the irony," joked Reimu.

"No! No, wait! Go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?"

- Back with Tucker and Church -

Church was peeking out behind the rock, noticing that the jeep was seemingly unattended.

Marisa groaned. "Did they really leave their main weapon completely unattended?"

Alice shrugged. "They're idiots. What did you expect?"

"Psst, hey. They stopped firing."

"Why are you whispering?" Tucker asked, not even bothering to lower his voice.

"Um... I don't know."

- Cue Grif and Simmons, near the cliff wall -

"Aw, crap. I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way."

"Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?" Simmons asked, as Sheila rolled up on them from behind.

"Oh boy," Aya smirked.

"Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long," Grif retorted.

"Well, at least that was fun."

They both then turned, finally noticing the tank that had stopped only a few yards away.

"Ho-ly crap! What in God's name is that thing?" Grif cursed.

"Wish you had the jeep with now, don't ya?" taunted Marisa the unlucky duo.

- Back to the Blues -

"Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out."

"Nope, you're really overestimating their intelligence," grinned Aya.

"No they're not. Look, they left the jeep. They're gone," Tucker insisted, motioning to the still unattended vehicle.

"Well... I don't know about this, it seems pretty fishy, but... alright, screw it, let's go get it."

- And back to the Reds -

The scene changed to the targeting system of the tank, focusing in on Grif.

"Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us," Grif said cautiously.

Reimu laughed. "Did you know that this actually works with Suika?"

"It does?"

"Yeah, as long as she's drunk. Also basically always."

*BEEP*

"What was that?" asked Aya, narrowing her brows.

"The targeting system of Sheila," answered Sanae in dread.

Character Introduction

Name: Patchouli Knowledge

Race: Youkai (Magician)

Age: approx. 100 years

Occupation: Librarian of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Teacher and Scholar

Eyes: Purple

Hair: Purple

Special Features: She's usually accompanied by her familiar Koakuma (a succubus)

Title: The Great, Unmoving Library

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Magic

Notes:

Patchouli Knowledge is a very smart, but anemic and asthmatic magician from the Scarlet Devil Mansion. She spends most of her time in the mansion's library reading and writing magic books. She's capable of very powerful magic of all kinds, using many elements in a single spell, but due to her general poor health she's often unable to recite her spells.

Frenemy with Marisa, since the witch regulary breaks into her library and 'creatively borrows' her magic books.

Name: Suika Ibuki

Race: Youkai (Oni)

Age: over 1.000 years

Occupation: One of the 'Four Devas of the Mountains'

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Ginger

Special Features: She has two large horns at the sides of her head

Title: Little Pandemonic Carnival

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Manipulation of Density

Notes:

Suika, like all oni, possesses a ridiculous amount of strength and loves to drink sake. If she's not currently sleeping off her intoxication, she loves to party and fight, which are also pretty much the same for her.

As one of the strongest oni in Gensokyo, she can easily topple entire mountains, and with her ability to manipulate density, she can turn herself to fog, create black holes, turn giant or controls crowds via 'population density'.

She also has a gourd that never runs out of sake.

Additional Information

Hakkero:

The Hakkero (lit. 'Eight Trigram Furnace') is a magical furnace owned by Marisa. It allows her to channel her magic into powerful magical attacks, most noteworthily her signature spell 'Master Spark'.