Season 01 / Episode 11: Knock, Knock. Who's There? Pain.
Grif and Sarge were standing in front of the Warthog, while Lopez was crouching next to it, busy with its reparation.
"... And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but uh, that's when the tank showed up and... shit just started blowing up, I don't know," Grif sighed, recounting the events that happened during Sarge's absence.
Said man wasn't amused. "Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?"
"I… I don't know, like, uh, what... ten, ten-twenty, twenty-five bucks? Maybe?" Grif asked nervously.
"I have no idea how much this things are worth," answered Reimu in Sarge's place. "But I guess you're really lowballin' the cost there, dude."
"Uh, you're… you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?" he finished weakly.
"Tell you what, Grif. I'm a fair man. ("Bullshit," everyone deadpanned simultaneously) I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to ya."
"Phrasing!" giggled Marisa, while the others groaned.
"Marisa, I realize you and dignity aren't exactly on speaking terms, but could you at least try to act mature?" asked Alice in expiration.
"Mhmm, no-p-e," grinned the witch, popping the 'p'.
"Just so you know, I still have the newspaper..."
Marisa gulped slightly in response.
"Just let it go," said Reimu, waving her hand. "As much as I enjoy seeing Marisa's ass handed over to her, it gets boring really fast."
Marisa sighed in both relief and annoyance, while Aya looked between the witch and the puppeteer in befuddlement.
"What's this about a newspaper?"
"Don't you worry about that~."
Lopez dropped the tool he was working with and turned to face his fellow soldier.
"You should start running," suggested Sanae helpfully.
"Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here and…"
"Five Mississippi," Sarge interrupted as Lopez picked up his assault rifle. "Six Mississippi."
"Okay, uh, I guess I better get going then," Grif said meekly, slowly walking backwards.
"Yeah, good idea," Reimu commented sarcastically.
Sarge raised his pistol and aimed at Grif, exchanging a quick glance with Lopez, before both of them began firing.
"Hey guys, that's not funny! Somebody could get hurt here!" yelled Grif off-screen.
"Don't be a pussy, ya pussy," laughed Marisa, earning her a chastising glare from Sanae.
"It's no joke if others gang up on you," she growled. "Something is only funny if everyone can laugh about it."
That silenced the blonde, who was now looking away in shame.
...
...
...
The ensuring awkward silence was awkward.
...
"Uhm," cleared Alice her throat, wincing when everyone's eyes landed on her. "Uhm, let us, ah, continue, shall we?"
She pointed awkwardly to the TV.
After a moment, Sanae nodded, and returned her gaze to the screen. The others looked at Marisa with accusing stares, before joining the green-haired miko.
The view changed to the top of the Blue Base, where Tex was firing with his pistol at something, while Tucker was standing next to him.
"That's basically it, sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep," Tucker informed the Freelancer of the situation.
"And your flag," Tex added as he reloaded his pistol.
"Wow! Now that's a voice!" said Marisa, trying clear the heavy atmosphere in the room.
Everyone ignored her.
"Right, that too."
Tex threw a grenade, which exploded out of view a few seconds later.
"Uh, hey, Tex?" Tucker interrupted the black-armoured soldier. "I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here."
The camera turned to show Caboose covering against one of the base walls, an outline of bullet holes around him.
"I'm scared," he whimpered.
If Sanae glare earlier was intense, then the one she was now giving Tex could outright kill someone.
"Yikes, this guy is brutal," Marisa commented, shrieking when Sanae glared angrily at her.
Reimu, Aya and Alice were slowly backing away from the dark aura the former outsider emitted, slightly on the edge by her unusual behaviour.
"One of these days, you load mouth will get you into trouble you wont escape with only a few bruises," stated Alice, shaking her head.
"Ah, don't ya worry," smirked Marisa. "I already have several failproof plans in case this ever happens."
Alice gave her a deadpan look. "Plans?"
"Yes!" stated the witch proudly. "You have your list, I have my emergency plans."
"... If you have 'emergency plans', why didn't you use them earlier?" Reimu asked smugly, Sanae and Aya nodding in agreement.
Marisa visibly deflated. "I didn't have time to go over them..."
While Tex checked his weapon again, Caboose used the chance to quickly move out of the line of fire towards Tucker.
"So, you've got the Special Forces black armour, I see," Tucker said, trying to lighten up the mood. "Were you in the Special Forces at some point?"
"So the armour colours symbolize the roles they have in the army," mused Alice. "That makes things both easy and difficult at the same time."
"What do you mean?" asked Aya, tilting her head in Alice's direction.
The doll magician shifted fluently into her lecture mode, summoning glasses out from nowhere. "Well, for example: during a deployment you can easily recognise a squad by their colour, but that means so can the enemy. They can specifically spot and eliminate important targets, like medics or supply."
"Huh," said the tengu, scratching her head. "Makes sense."
Tex ignored him and was now checking his assault rifle. Tucker, however, was not disheartened that easily.
"Yeah, I used to have black armour, too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from the-," he stopped his rambling as Tex jumped off the building. "O-Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later."
"I don't think he likes you," Caboose whispered loudly.
"Neither do I," Alice added, huffing.
"Harsh?" asked Marisa, looking around the room. The others simply shrugged. Tucker had a lot of work to do if he ever wanted to get back on their good graces.
"… Thanks."
They walked to the edge of the base.
"Where are you going?" Tucker called out to the Freelancer.
Tex turned around. "Red Base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back," he shouted, before turning around and jogging away.
"OH! OKAY!" Caboose yelled. "WE'LL JUST STAY HERE AND GUARD THE trans... porter," he finished weakly.
Sanae growled. "I really hope they kick his ass."
"... Did anyone else notice that Sanae is a little bit out of character?" Aya whispered nervously, getting slow nods in response.
Back at Red Base, Grif was talking to Simmons, while Donut was standing behind them, still holding his 'pole' in his hands.
"So Sarge thought my idea had merit, but was poorly executed. Probably because somebody didn't believe in it."
"He said that?" Reimu asked, looking at the screen in disbelief.
"Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges," Simmons retorted evenly.
"Yeah, that sounds more like him."
"Hey, since I captured the flag, d'ya think they'll give me my own colour armour now?" Donut asked hopefully, waving the flag pole around.
"What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot."
Aya smirked. "Hey, do you guys think he actually paid for it?"
Everyone else thought about it, then laughed.
"If he did, he should have asked for a receipt," Sanae giggled. "Then Mr. Church and the others would have no legal right to demand it back."
"Still, do you think there's a shot?"
"Maybe they'll give you Grif's armour since he destroyed the Warthog."
"H-Yeah. W-Wait. You don't… you don't think they'd do that, do you?" Grif stuttered.
"Probably not," commented Marisa with a grin. "But only because it most likely smells."
Cut to Sarge, who was trying to help Lopez with the repair of the jeep.
Emphasis on 'trying'.
"Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingy there. I think that's what's making that rattle."
"I'm not an expert, but I don't think that 'metal thingy' is an actual technical term," snarked Reimu. "It also remembers me of Sukia: lazing around all day, drinking, watching me sweeping the leaves and then having the balls to tell me I missed a spot!"
Lopez silently got up and turned to face Sarge.
"I... think I'll let you do it," Sarge acquiesced.
Lopez knelt back down and got to work.
"The strong, silent type, eh?" said Aya, smirking. "I can actually dig that."
"He does seem capable," Alice agreed. "I think he and this 'Vic' fellow are the only competent soldiers we have seen so far."
Just then a nearly invisible figure jogged past them both.
"Tex," snarled Sanae.
"What the-? What was that?" Sarge turned around, watching his surrounding suspiciously.
Alice raised a single eyebrow.
- Back to the Red Base -
"Simmons, what's going on? What's over there?"
"I thought I saw something for a second," Simmons replied over his shoulder, looking over the side of the base.
"Hey rookie, tuck the flag someplace safe until we can figure out what's goin' on," Grif ordered in a serious tone.
"I stand corrected," stated Alice, impressed. "They can actually act like professionals if they try."
Sanae smiled at that.
"Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway," Donut complied, tossing the flag down into the base.
Aya face-palmed. "Really secure, man."
Tex was now standing right next to the base, prepared to make his move.
"Did you hear that?" Simmons asked.
"Yeah," Grif replied, both of them looking over the side of the base now.
"Hey. What's going on?" Donut whispered.
Tex threw something. Something that was making an ominous sound.
"What the fuck?" Grif exclaimed, as he turned around to Donut and backed up a bit.
The view changed to Donut, who now had a blue object on the side of his helmet, hissing loudly as it released some kind of blue gas and sparks.
"What?" he asked, clearly unaware of its existence.
Simmons turned around to see it as well. "What is that thing?!"
"What thing?" Donut asked in concern.
"There's something on your head," Grif explained.
"What, is it a spider? Get it off!"
"No, it's not a spider, it's… like a blue thing," Simmons clarified.
"What, like a blue spider? Get it off!"
"It's not a spider! Calm down," Grif ordered. "It's some kinda fuzzy pulsating thing."
"What's his deal with spiders?" Aya sweat-dropped.
"That doesn't sound much better than a spider."
"I agree wholeheartedly."
"Does it hurt?" Simmons asked.
"No."
"Oh fuck, I just realized what it is!" Marisa announced wide-eyed.
"Really? What?" Alice asked.
"... Get ready for some fireworks."
It took a moment for everyone to process what she meant before their eyes also widened.
"Oh no," Sanae squeaked out.
"Maybe we should try to take it off."
"Good idea. Go for it."
"Me? By 'we' I meant 'you', asshole," Simmons argued back.
"Stop arguing and do something!" urged Aya the idiotic duo.
"Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous," Donut said right before it exploded.
"SON OF A BITCH!" Simmons and Grif shouted simultaneously.
"SON OF A BITCH!" Sanae yelled, smacking her hands on the table. "FIRST CABOOSE, AND NOW DONUT?! FUCK YOU TEX! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
Silence followed her outburst, only disrupted by her heavy breathing.
The others starred at her in shock.
"... Uhm," Marisa hold up a finger, paused, then lowered it. "Actually, 'uhm' about sums up this situation pretty well."
"Marisa, please shut up," whispered Reimu, starring at her fellow shrine maiden in barely contained fear.
"No, it's... it's okay now," Sanae sighed. "I'm fine now. Besides," she smiled weakly. "Donut is probably fine. That armour looks pretty sturdy after all." She sighed. "He's fine..."
Reimu slowly moved over to her, allowing the distressed miko to lean on her for support. The remaining girls decided to stay silent.
Just then the screen cut to black, the sound of warning beeps and blows landing being heard.
"Sim… where'd he go? Don't kill me! I'm too good-looking to die!"
"I don't think you'll look that good after this," Aya joked hesitantly.
Sanae giggled slightly at that, with the others joining her one by one.
...
...
...
"... Uhm, I don't want to ruin the mood, but can you guys finally help me out here?" asked Marisa hopefully from her position on the wall.
Silence.
"... Come on, seriously? I have an itch on my nose and my panties are riding up!"
Emergency Plans from A to Z by Marisa Kirisame
100 % foolproof!
A.) Attack: The to-go solution for pretty much everything in Gensokyo
B.) Broom: Hit the problem with a broom
C.) Cirno: Throw Cirno at the problem (Usually ends with her throwing a tantrum and freezing everything)
D.) Danmaku: Blow the problem up (My personal favourite!)
E.) Explosion: Usually caused by D.)
F.) Fire: End result of D.) and E.) (Burn bitch, burn!)
G.) G-String: Stun the problem with your hot ass
H.) Hide: Hide and hope the problem goes away!
I.) Indecent Exposure: This will hopefully stun the problem (One way or another)
J.) Jelly: Coax the problem with your dessert
K.) Kissing: Works with surprising frequency...
L.) Lap Dance: If K.) doesn't do the trick, this usually does (Works best in combination with I.)
M.) Money: It solves any problem (Especially if Reimu's involved)
N.) Nap: Sleep on it and see if anybody still cares afterwards
O.) Octopus: Natural enemy of any female (Only works if the problem is female)
P.) Punch: Punch the problem (Plus points if you can do it with one punch)
Q.) Quit: Give up and go home
R.) RAMPAGE!: Let's just break stuff and see if that solves things
S.) Sexy Time: Offer your body (The population of Gensokyo is mainly female, super hot... and most likely gay)
T.) Tabasco: A squirt bottle full of hot sauce works wonders
U.) Understanding: Attempt to see things from the problems perspective and work out a compromise (Wanted to write 'Uppercut', but Sanae won the coin-toss)
V.) Victory Pose: Act self-assured and hope the problem buys the bullshit
W.) Why?!: Question the universe and/or any higher power you believe in if the first twenty-two plans were dismissed or didn't work
X.) Xyresic: Means razor-sharp (Let your imagination run wild with what this implies)
Y.) Yukari Yakumo: Desperate times require desperate solutions
Z.) Zeitgeist: Burn everything down and get the fuck out of town (Word chosen because it sounds awesome and it's hard to find something that begins with 'Z')
"... For the sake of whatever remains of my sanity, I am not going to think too deeply about this," Alice deadpanned after reading Marisa's 'Emergency Plans'.