Chapter 9

Yu rubbed his temples, attempting to quell the headache that Yosuke's mother had brought on. He didn't think one woman could yell so much.

"Sorry... I didn't mean for you to have to suffer through that with me," Yosuke apologized, again.

"It's fine, I just didn't think she was going to react like that." Yu hadn't expected the outburst two seconds after she'd been asking him how he'd been. "Laundry... She takes it very seriously, I see."

Yosuke laughed nervously and sat next to his friend. "Well, to be fair, she'd been asking me to take care of it for days."

"Laundry," Yu repeated, slightly glaring at the guilty party.

"Hey! I didn't say I was the most responsible son! The soup cheered her up. Glad to have a peacemaker in the house," he complimented and bumped against Yu's shoulder. "And I'm feeling great, even after being ripped apart by a woman half my height."

Yu playfully pushed back. "I figured you'd be used to that after Chie."

It'd only been a few hours since Yosuke's mother had returned, but already the radical difference between his home life and his friend's was painfully obvious.

"No... No, my mother holds the title of 'Thing Yosuke is Most Terrified of' and there's no competition. There's not even other contenders."

"Dark."

"I know."

Yu noticed that his best friend seemed at ease even after he'd been more than scolded. He'd been nervous earlier that he'd been too forward too quickly, especially after how peculiar Yosuke had been acting all day, but it seemed to have worked itself out. Mostly.

"Well, Mom is gonna go meet Dad so we don't have to worry about bugging them. Wanna just be lazy and play a game?" Yosuke suggested, moving to crouch in front of a shelf under his TV.

"Sure. I haven't played one since you and I played that racing game so I'll probably be rusty," Yu answered casually, but his heart was still a mess.

He couldn't ignore that there was still some tension remaining from earlier, and although the 'Shadow' hadn't appeared since the shrine, every time his anxiety built, there he was. Maybe with Yosuke ever-present this week it'd be easier. Then again, that was part of the problem, wasn't it?

"Oh yeah, that old one... I have no idea where Ted put that thing. Let's just... No, that one is missing too... Damn him," the still Inaba resident grumbled as he sorted through his limited selection. "Are you kidding me? Half my games are missing! ...I'm going to kill that bear."

Yu laughed and walked over to another shelf, picking up a movie. "Let's just watch this. It's your favorite, right?"

It wasn't a question. Yu knew Yosuke's favorite everything.

"Haven't I made you suffer through that one enough? I mean, we can pick something more your speed," his other half politely recommended, standing and gently taking the DVD out of Yu's hand. Yu didn't miss Yosuke's ears turn pink when their fingers accidently brushed against each other.

He couldn't blame the guy for being so nervous about every touch. Just a couple of hours ago Yu nearly had two panic attacks thinking that Yosuke had hurt himself in the kitchen. More notably, at Junes Yu wasn't sure why he'd reacted so strongly. It was just Teddie. Even if they'd been found out, it wouldn't have been as life or death as he made it out to be. Sure, he definitely wanted as much alone time with Yosuke as possible—he needed to build up his courage after all, but it was more than that. Yu felt this overbearing need to protect Yosuke from... everything. It wasn't practical and made him appear even a little manic, but he couldn't dismiss it. How many times had Yosuke sacrificed himself for Yu? It had always hurt to hear the others say that Yu was the most important factor in solving the case, but they were just as crucial in his mind. One of the many topics Yu planned to cover with Yosuke that week concerned the leader's many Personas, and when his friend had asked before he'd just been caught off guard. Now that he'd had time to process an answer to the complicated question... Well, if Yu didn't outwardly confess then his honest answer would do that for him.

"I enjoy this movie. Anything you like this much I'm bound to like as well," the leader defended, still peppering his sentences with hints. "I can't think of anything off-hand that you like that I don't."

Now his whole face was pink. "Stop being so understanding of all my quirks," he said it with a laugh, but it faltered halfway.

"Understanding isn't the right word," he remarked simply, not wanting to frighten him with the complete truth. He'd be dealing with that soon enough.

Yosuke knelt down to load the DVD, but stopped short of closing the drive. He also wouldn't look at Yu when he asked, "What is the right word then?"

His heart fell. He hadn't anticipated Yosuke to actually ask.

What was he going to safely say? He'd backed himself into this corner, and he knew that all these suggestions and dangerous wording were his doing. A week ago he'd have been fine with Yosuke just guessing, but seeing him face-to-face made him realize that he wanted to convey every feeling directly. His own words. No room for speculations. Which would be hard enough considering how terrible he was with words.

He started slowly with a carefully reserved smile, "Appreciate."

Yosuke tilted his head at that. "What? You 'appreciate' all my dumb interests? What a weird way to put that, partner." He didn't seem bothered, just confused.

Yu shrugged. "They're what make you, you."

"Oh right, cause I'm your favorite person so of course that makes sense," the other teen joked, grinning and rolling his eyes while doing so.

"You are," Yu reinforced, his voice carrying much less humor.

He braced for Yosuke's signature self-deprecating joke, but ended up surprised.

"Well, you're mine too, so... I guess you'll just have to put up with me, huh?"

Yu felt his own cheeks flush and he was left speechless for a moment.

Yosuke seemed to notice. "What? Not up to it?"

"N-no, it's not..." So much for composed. "I'm—"

His best friend laid a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, I'm just messing with you. Stop worrying so much."

No. He was going to at least say something. Yosuke couldn't bail him out of every awkward situation.

Yu briefly closed his eyes and took another breath. "Honestly, I'd say that you're the one 'putting up' with me."

"You know that's not true... Yu, what's going on? Please talk to me." he finished with a quiet plea, his hand squeezing his friend's shoulder tighter.

It was the go ahead that Yu had been silently requesting and now there were no excuses left to not speak at least some of his mind. He'd bottled everything up for days—months at this point. Earlier he'd done a pathetic job of finding reasons to not answer Yosuke's questions, but he'd never prove his 'Shadow' wrong if he kept quiet. He'd set goals for this week and he planned to follow through with them... Even if that meant the end of what the two of them had cultivated.

He just prayed that it wouldn't come to that.

"There's just been a lot on my mind. I didn't want to alarm you with any of it, it's just been weighing on me for some time. It has nothing to do with any one thing."

His friend's breathing quickened, but that was too expected from something so vague. "Then help me understand."

This would hurt, but it'd been an inevitable. There were many of those ahead for the pair.

"Every since December, I've been reviewing all the events that led up to where I am now. I know you said that the hypothetical didn't matter, but it does to me... 'Fortunate' isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel about meeting you."

The other teen's hand fell to his side, not looking like he'd expected something so serious. "H-hey, don't give me that much credit. If you remember, you pulled me out of a trashcan so I'm pretty sure you're just nice and have bad judgment every now and then. I'm like a walking accident waiting to happen."

Yu shook his head, his eyes now intensely locked with Yosuke's. "I know I'm terrible at putting my feelings about other people into words, but... there are times that I'm scared I take our friendship for granted."

His best friend's expression was one of pure disbelief. "Dude, I don't think you're even capable of that."

"I don't think I always consciously do it, but that doesn't change the circumstances," Yu elaborated.

"You're gonna have to try again, because I just don't see it," Yosuke countered once more.

He'd planned to make this the introductory portion of his confession, but maybe this was more suited to say as just a friend... Or maybe it'd just come off as strange. He found it was growing more and more difficult to remember what it felt like to just see Yosuke as a friend. No matter how it was perceived, he was in too deep now to back out.

"It's not done maliciously, but I don't have to say anything and you just... understand. I've depended on that fact far too many times. How often have you been the one to speak for me during our meetings? Explain to everyone what I'm actually trying to say?" He paused to give his anxiety a moment to calm. "... I know this must sound dramatic, but I think it's because I've been too cowardly to come out and say it... I've wondered if it weren't for my Personas disappearing and my... 'Shadow', would I have even admitted it to myself? ...I'm not sure I would have been able to accept that. I can't stand the weaker part of me that expects you to shoulder that burden."

"That's not true. You always bail me out when I've said too much. We're partners—that's what we do. I've never seen that as a burden, just kind of a balancing act," the other teen comforted.

"I understand, and that's part of it... Maybe I'm not explaining myself well enough," Yu started with uncertainty. "You've told me the things you want to work on, but I've been considering what I want to change as well. I'm so thankful for our friendship, and I've made friendships and connections that will last, but it's always different with you... It's almost too effortless... And that terrifies me."

For the first time, Yosuke's expression was unreadable and it terrified him. "Yu, I really think you're exaggerating here."

However, he'd anticipated the answer, but continued all the same, "I'm not... I'm just trying to change. I want to be someone that can be there in the same way you are for me. Earlier you said that I 'saved' everyone, but that's not completely true, is it? The more and more I've thought about it, I really only listened and offered one sentence reassurances or bits of advice. Honestly, before Inaba I'd never had to even remotely deal with what any of our friends went through... are still going through." His eyes locked on to Yosuke's more intently. "You most of all. So, that's why I believe it's important that I try to tell you what I should have been saying all along."

His best friend had a surprising smile on his face. "As usual, you over think things. Sometimes, people just need a listener. You just happen to be the best listener there is, so I don't think you have to experience something tragic or life-changing to be qualified for the job. I mean, I did lose someone close to me, but I'm alright now. Whether you've accepted it or not, it was you that helped me through it. You can't do it for anyone, but you also can't decide whether or not you've helped them. So, for once, just take the damn compliment," he finished, winking and patting Yu on the shoulder once more.

Yu shook his head, but was smiling by the end. "Fine, but you've done the same for me."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm the great leader's advisor and shoulder to cry on," he replied with humor.

The leader grinned. "Literally."

"Huh, fair enough, I guess."

They shared a brief laugh before Yu finally did drop it. As usual, Yosuke knew the exact point to end the conversation before Yu became overwhelmed. He was able to get his point across and receive the reassurance he'd needed, so the talk had been successful in his eyes. There would be more to come during the week, and even though Yosuke had wanted to help, he must have been overloaded as well. Plus, Yu was long overdue for just a laugh and lazy evening.

Yosuke finally loaded the movie and fell back on the couch. "Alright, best movie ever time. Think you can manage without subtitles, genius?"

"Is there any other way to watch this cinematic work of art?"

"Damn right."

Yu took a seat next to him, and even though he'd tried to create distance for Yosuke's sake, the other teen scooted closer. He tried not to read into it, but it still made him happy all the same.

"I'm going to try so hard not to talk during it this time," Yosuke said with a weak laugh.

"You say that every time."

"And I try to mean it."

The movie continued with its explosions and impossible stunts, but Yu found it hard to concentrate halfway through when Yosuke began to nod off. His friend's head would roll and end up resting on his shoulder for a minute before bouncing back up and the process would start all over again. After the tenth time of this happening, Yosuke's breathing finally evened out and his head didn't move from its claimed pillow. Yu was careful with every breath and remained as still as he could possibly manage until he was sure that the other was in a deep enough sleep.

This was nice. It was really that simple. He moved his leg to be gently pressed against Yosuke's thigh and let the back of his hand fall naturally against his partner's palm. He closed his own eyes and let his mind wander away from the sound of the movie and focused on the slight rise and fall of his friend, or the heat from his body and how right it felt meshing with his own. Would they get to be this close again? He couldn't remember this having ever happened in the past, so he was going to commit every moment of this to memory while it lasted. He briefly opened his eyes and tried to make out the features of Yosuke's face. Sure, the angle wasn't the best, but even that, coupled with the poor lighting from the TV, was enough to almost hypnotize him. He'd often tried to pinpoint when he became so aware of Yosuke's every move or how he suddenly noticed every angle and curve of his best friend's face, but he was always coming up short. Ultimately, he'd decided it wasn't important.

But this moment was.

He felt somewhat guilty whenever he studied the details of Yosuke's features, but wasn't that a natural thing to do when you cared about someone? When you loved them? Because he did love Yosuke, even if he had no idea how 'love' was supposed to feel. It might have been different for every individual person, but this feeling suited him perfectly. And he loved all of it—the good and the bad. Some hurt more than others, and even with the risk of rejection staring him square in the face, he knew he'd fight for this.

Of course, there were always more factors than just the two of them and their tiny worlds. Like the phone buzzing next to him on the couch, and that the name across the screen was attached to another person vying for his friend's attention. This was one problem he didn't want to face this week. Couldn't his heart ever catch a break?

It was just a text message, and when he'd lived in Inaba before their phones were an open book for the other to scroll through whenever they'd wanted. Did that rule still stand now that, that girl was a part of Yosuke's life? And could Yu, in good conscience, look at the text now? It certainly wouldn't be innocent like before. Before had been to relay a message when the other one was too lazy to be bothered to cross the room and answer it themselves, but now... Was this private? What had Yosuke really said about this girl? What had he said to her? That was the thing eating Yu alive most of all.

And here he'd thought Yosuke waking up would be the thing that would ruin his brief heaven on earth.

This girl had a name, and Yu was going to have to use it. He couldn't keep hiding behind the fact that when he said it, it made her tangible in his mind. He couldn't argue it anymore after that... Not that it should have been an argument in the first place. It was just... Why did this have to happen right before Golden Week? Right before he'd gathered his courage...

No. This was another inevitable.

So, he didn't look and tried to ignore the one other buzz he heard and instead listened for the soft breathing of the boy next to him. If he were trying to be spiteful, he'd actually think—and believe, that she'd never get to be this close to Yosuke. Not physically, but emotionally, and that was the most important one in Yu's mind.

"Isn't that the thing about love though?" The same voice that plagued him was back, and he knew it was his fault once more.

Yu was quiet as the yellow eyes glowed sinisterly from the corner of the darkened room.

"You can't balance friends and the person you love. One always has to win out, and it won't be you. It can't be."

His ugly side was tiring him out.

"If you were worth anything you'd let Yosuke be happy, because doesn't he deserve it? Wouldn't he do the same for you? I mean, not like you want, but he'd at least put up a damn good front for your sake."

The third buzz next to him and the quiet of the credits rolling weren't enough to drown out his unwanted companion.

"And what does it say about you? Think about it. You'd rather put your friend in a position to feel guilt about turning you down, still try to be friends with someone like you and then be too scared to be in a relationship with someone out of respect for you. I mean, come on, you know that's what's going to happen. You're banking on it."

This was a case where the words stung more than others, and it was almost always when Yosuke was involved. That being said, they were a bit more reserved today.

"They're only that way because with him it doesn't take much effort."

He wished they didn't share the same headspace at least during their one-sided conversations.

"You want to look, right? Want to see what she's said, but also what's been said. Yosuke never deletes anything until his phone is full so there's bound to be something. And, if it's all deleted, maybe he knew you'd go through it and didn't want you to see how serious things have gotten. What if he'd hiding the true nature of their relationship from you? Since when did the guy not gush about some girl—any girl for that matter? He's always been so honest, but maybe it was because nothing was serious enough that you'd judge him... What if they've—"

"Yosuke, the movie is over," Yu cut the 'Shadow' off and gently nudged his friend.

His 'Shadow' chuckled and shook his head. "You'll have to hear it in private or in person soon enough."

Yu glared but was silent.

"Or, that's what you're hoping for, right? Even if everyone else hears, at least that'll give you clarification that you aren't crazy. Then again, you're also scared that the worst of what you've got buried will be put on display for all your friends. Especially him."

And then Yosuke mumbled something indiscernible and lazily sat up. "Mmm, sorry, did I pass out?"

Now it was just the two of them in the room again and Yu sighed in relief. "Yeah, but it's okay. You've pushed yourself enough these past couple of days."

His friend blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes. "You looked kinda freaked out. You alright?"

The leader nodded. "Now I am."

This time, Yosuke sat up straighter and shook his head to try and fully wake up. "Did 'it' come back?"

"...'It' did," Yu admitted, frowning and awaiting judgment.

"Did it have anything to say?" his friend tentatively asked, not appearing scared but merely concerned.

"Always," he replied simply.

"Wanna talk about it?" his friend suggested, turning at an angle to face Yu and crossing his legs.

Did he want to? It would be the first chance to actually tell Yosuke right after the 'Shadow' had shown. It would also be pretty poor timing considering what the 'Shadow' had been rambling on about.

Yu instead changed the subject, "You got a text while you were asleep."

"Oh? What'd it say?" his friend asked innocently enough.

"Well, it was from... Ume, so I didn't want to intrude," Yu responded politely enough, but he wasn't sure how well he hid his jealousy.

Yosuke laughed as he spoke, "That doesn't matter. You can read whatever garbage you want in that old thing anytime you want. Not like I lead a very interesting life. Just ignore all the texts I've saved from our conversations. I reread them when I need an ego boost, which is—ya know, pretty often."

Even though he'd just been given the go ahead to do what he'd been doing, it was still enough to lift his spirits.

"Not that you said anything to indicate otherwise, but the same goes for you, of course," Yu reiterated.

"Duh. You're too lazy to read them when I'm around anyway. Have you even checked it since you got here?"

The leader paused, but realized he hadn't.

Yosuke laughed and nudged against Yu's leg with one of his knees. "No worries, I did for you and there's nothing."

"I should just hand it to you while I'm here. I checked it so often back in the city that I need a vacation from it."

Yosuke had a playful pout on his face.

Yu quickly added, "You know what I mean."

"Yeah, that mess with Rise must have been a total nightmare. I almost forgot... Is that over with? I mean, it has to be by now," his friend said with less and less certainty.

"The public has moved on to a bigger 'scandal' by now. My classmates and teachers have also moved on to more pressing issues. Like people smoking in a bathroom."

"What a headline."

They quietly laughed again before the Inaba teen stretched his arms up and let them fall back to rest in his lap. "By the way, that was a pretty lame attempt to dodge my question, but just know that when you want to talk, I'm here."

"Hmm, thought I was being clever."

"You're not as clever as you seem to think."

Yu couldn't help but smile this time. "Maybe, but you're also the only one who seems to see through me, remember?"

Yosuke rolled his eyes. "No, you're just not the best with misdirection."

"Take the damn compliment," the leader repeated and grabbed for Yosuke's phone to finally get this over with. "Here, it's been about half an hour now."

The pit in his stomach was growing as Yosuke groaned and took the phone from him to read the messages. His friend might have appeared bothered, but Yu knew he was probably excited. Knowing Yosuke, didn't that make the most sense? Why else would he be talking to this girl if he wasn't at least a bit interested?

After a few moments of silence, Yu asked, "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just her friends grabbed her phone and she sent some apology text. Probably the same friends that left that dumb note in my locker," Yosuke explained with genuine annoyance.

Even though he really didn't want to hear anything positive about the girl come out of Yosuke's mouth, his 'Shadow' did have a point. "Do you want to talk about her? You haven't really told me much."

His friend shut the phone, not answering the messages, and sighed. "There's not much to tell. I thought a girl talking to me would be kind of exciting, but it's been more exhausting than anything. Not to sound like Kanji, but girls really are complicated. Plus, it's time for me to decide about college and the future... She's a second year, ya know? Where is this really gonna go? Feels shitty to lead her on when I'm not all that committed, and it doesn't seem like being my friend is really her goal. Maybe I'm just keeping this up to hang on to my high school days. Makes me sound old. Agh, I'm rambling again."

Yu felt somewhat less guilty. It didn't sound like Yosuke was really all that connected to her and it didn't seem like this was anything more than enjoying the attention. "It's fine. It's nice to get attention every now and then. As long as you don't start something you don't intend to follow through with, I think it's a good learning experience. That's human nature."

His friend laughed and responded, "Leave it to you to make it all sound so clinical. Still, I don't know how to just say I'm not interested in that kind of relationship..." Yosuke suddenly went quiet.

"Why don't you sound sure of that?" Yu asked, hiding his terror.

"You're just gonna laugh," the other boy answered.

"I promise you, that will not happen."

Now his friend wouldn't look him in the eyes and it scared Yu even further.

"This is going to sound so dumb, but... it's just... it seems like, in a weird way, my dad is happy about it. I'm not sure how else to explain other than maybe I'm just enjoying the actual praise I've been getting from him this past month. He's never really seemed all that proud of me, but now he's asking about my day and not every word that comes out of his mouth is negative." Yosuke let out a sad, short laugh before finishing, "Like I said, it sounds stupid, but I'm hanging on to what I can. Maybe he feels like I'm less of a waste of space."

"I know your dad has always been somewhat harsh, but do you really think this is at all about her and not about how you've been growing as a person?"

Yosuke shook his head. "It's irrational, and I know that's not the actual reason, but it's in the back of my mind. He seemed happy when I mentioned her, but it was probably just because she isn't some delinquent, knowing him."

Then the guilty returned with overwhelming force. Yu could never offer that for Yosuke, and it didn't matter what he accomplished. Yosuke's father always asked him about his father's work for the hospital and if he was going to inherit the business from him when he completed school and his father retired. Yu had always masterfully dodged giving a real answer, but he knew that even if he took his father's place, somehow eradicated all disease and made more money than anyone in the collective universe, that it wouldn't be enough. It wasn't the achievements that the man was looking for, it was the idea of Yosuke having a family and continuing the Hanamura name. That was something he could never offer... not on the terms Yosuke's father was looking for.

"Partner? My dumb explanation leave you speechless?"

He pulled back and focused on the problems of now. "No, sorry, just processing a response... I think you should do whatever makes you happiest, but I also think you should be practical about it. It's not just you involved in this, and in the end it's going to hurt her more than you."

Maybe that came off as more critical than he intended, but it was the best advice he had at the moment. He'd have offered the same words even if he didn't love the boy next to him.

Yosuke sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I know, it's just not my area of expertise."

Yu also wasn't convinced that he was getting the whole story. His friend's anxiety was too mixed in with his words for that to be the end of it. He knew that he read too much into things out of habit, but Yu was rarely wrong when it came to Yosuke.

"I don't want to sound presumptuous, but are those the only reasons? Just the attention and your dad? It's... That just doesn't sound like you."

Now Yosuke was the one to be quiet for several minutes. It might have been the first time he'd ever delayed a response for this long, and Yu was trying not to formulate his own ideas as to what that last part could be.

When he finally answered, it was in a disappointed tone, "No... I'm just not sure how to say it without sounding like the person I was last year."

Why did he feel like he already knew where this was going?

"There's nothing you can say that will change my mind about you."

"Heh, I know... This time it's... more me, I guess," Yosuke said vaguely. "But I guess it's only fair to tell you since you told me all of that earlier. I just don't like this about me."

Yu wanted to reach out and embrace him like he had at the riverbank last year. Seeing his friend hurting this way was too much... but he also wasn't so sure he wanted to hear the last part anymore. What if he blurted everything out now? Told Yosuke how every thought seemed to be consumed by him and how the only thing that calmed all the crazy in his head was the sound of his voice. That he didn't even know how to process everything he felt for his partner... Or just that he simply loved him.

Because what was coming next was probably going to sap all the courage he'd prepared.

His eyes were burning when he finally answered, "Please."

"Partner... I don't want you to think I'm the same as I was last year... Hell, I even apologized to Kanji for being a total asshole... You know how my parents are—especially my dad, and how they are really conservative or whatever... Well, my dad came home from work the other day and was complaining about these two kids that he had to deal with. It was just two teenagers messing around in one of the stock rooms... but it was two guys and my dad was on the warpath about it."

There it was. He knew Yosuke had been acting strangely, and this was about to be the confirmation.

"Anyway, he was more pissed than usual and he was even snapping at my mom. He never made any comments directly towards me, but my dad tends to spiral when he gets hung up on something. It's beyond dumb, and it's something the old Yosuke would do, but I panicked. I didn't want to do one wrong thing and my dad start hounding me about not having a girlfriend since this was gonna get out and he's all about his reputation. I know I sound insane, but that's how he is with stuff like this. He didn't get the son he wanted, so he tries to cling to every traditional thing he can when it comes to me... Maybe that's why I try to compensate the way I do. Not that it's an excuse, but I'm just trying to find some explanation for my crazy reasoning," the teen concluded, still not looking up.

And Yu was thankful he didn't, because he was fighting an impossible battle with the stupid tears in his eyes. If he blinked, it was over.

They were both quiet, and Yu reeled himself back in by trying shut down and put up a cold exterior as he usually did... But something wasn't working this time. If it had been anyone—anyone but Yosuke, and if it didn't have to do with what had been destroying him like nothing else, it would have been all too easy. As it stood, he was doing well not to just break down all over again.

"You must think I'm a piece of shit... You should. I know I do."

No, Yu wanted to tell Yosuke that he was an idiot for thinking that he was anything less than the best thing to ever happen to him. To just grab him and shake all the ridiculous self-doubt out of him until it was enough that he would believe Yu when he told him that he loved him because of all his flaws and strengths.

...

But this wasn't that moment.

Instead, Yu turned to face him, took a breath to steady his voice and replied, "No, I think that you just want to make your parents proud and their views conflict with what you want yours to be."

His friend looked up slowly, but the brief look of relief was replaced with alarm. "Yu, what's wrong?" Yosuke's hands extended out and his fingertips brushed against Yu's cheeks.

Huh.

So, he had indeed lost that battle.

And now that he'd realized those traitorous, silent tears, he found it impossible to speak without completely falling apart. Yu wasn't trembling or anything, just sitting there in disappointment with himself. Of all the things he picked up last year, why did crying so easily in front of Yosuke have to be one of them? He'd probably cried more with his best friend in a handful of months than he had in his entire life.

"Partner, talk to me. What's wrong?"

'What' indeed. The answer Yosuke was looking for wasn't the one Yu would have answered honestly with. What good was being truthful right now if Yosuke didn't know how he really felt? Context was fairly important, and he couldn't exactly confess while he was crying and Yosuke had just admitted that he was so terrified his dad would disown him based on the fact that he didn't have a girlfriend.

However, he had promised he wouldn't lie.

"I'm just... very emotional without my Personas. I can't explain it. Things that wouldn't have bothered me so strongly before seem to... well, do this."

It wasn't a lie—just not the full truth that he'd be telling later. It seemed next to impossible to overcome hardships without the company of his hard-earned Personas. If he made a 'good' decision his Personas would lift his mood, but they'd also be there to reprimand him when he made a 'bad' decision. How they concluded what was morally right was most likely based on his own beliefs, but that kept him from lying to himself. Before them, how had he done this in the past? Then again, he'd never had friends to care so much about.

"What part is bothering you?" Yosuke asked, still trying to stop the tears that simply refused to.

Where would he start? The fact that Yosuke had to act this way just to comfort a silly notion his father might have? That Yosuke's parents were so short-sighted that they couldn't see what effect this was having on their son? Or maybe that this was another sign that this confession wouldn't go the direction Yu was hoping for. Really, it all boiled down to just one thing.

"That you don't feel like you get to decide what makes you happy... I hate it."

To Yu's surprise, Yosuke merely moved his hands down and slowly took hold of his friend's. Even through his blurry eyes and blue light from the TV, he could still see Yosuke's flushed face.

"... I don't think I've ever heard you say you hate anything... I don't know what to make of that," his partner whispered.

He'd thought he hated Namatame, and even Adachi for a bit, but there had always been something in the way. With the former kidnapper, it was Nanako that stopped him, and Adachi was more betrayal and anger, but more importantly, those were people. Yu disliked their beliefs and certainly didn't approve of any excuse they offered, but this time it was more personal... Perhaps personal wasn't right, because although he hadn't said it that day, he'd hated Namatame the moment Nanako's monitor flat-lined and he fought against being consumed by it. The only person who equaled Yosuke's importance was his sister, even if it was in a different way, and that was about as personal as things got.

No, it had to be two different forms of hate, and he was just holding onto this one because it was still something he had to face.

The realization stopped his tears and he squeezed Yosuke's hands tightly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to sound directed at you, just the idea. I don't blame you for anything you said."

Because he didn't. His own shortcomings with handling things had nothing to do with Yosuke's insecurities.

"I think you should. I kind of wish you'd just smack some sense into me... Maybe I'm overdue to get my ass kicked by you," Yosuke only half-joked. "And you don't have to take what I said so seriously. It was a panic move and I know I have to do something about it, but it was just hard to admit. More than a little embarrassing, that's for sure."

"Then we'll schedule a fight for old times' sake before the end of the week... I'm sorry that I made you worry. I didn't mean to do that," Yu finished with an apology, but there was so much more he wanted to say. Wasn't that always the case? If he was the one to end it, the conversation always finished before he could actually work out the right words.

"Nah, I'm kinda happy in, like, the most messed up way possible, probably. It's nice when you show that you aren't some invulnerable person... It's just kind of shitty that I'm usually the reason you're upset," his friend admitted.

Yu felt his ears begin to burn, but he maintained a lighthearted tone. "It's not for the reason you think."

Yosuke's head tilted and he parted his lips to most likely ask, but he stopped short. Maybe he didn't want to know, maybe he was scared to, but whatever the reason, Yu didn't push it. How could the boy in front of him not know how he felt? Was he really that dense? Or was Yu just that terrible at expressing his affection? And how were their hands still conjoined? Not that Yu was complaining, but how badly was Yosuke going to react when he realized? ...Was he aware?

"W-well, whatever that is, I'm glad you trust me... Geez, we've been so sappy recently... Haven't we had enough serious talks for one day?"

"It's just after midnight, so technically it's a new day."

"Is it that late? How?"

"I suppose I'm a slow speaker. We've been talking for some time... The menu has been on repeat for ages," Yu explained and kept his hands very still, knowing this moment was about to come to an end.

Yosuke groaned, "I bet my parents came back while we were talking... No way we can take a bath without waking them up... Wait, and we're going to see Nanako in the morning. Then again, my parents go to work early—well, Dad does, but Mom usually follows... Do you care to wait?"

Back to business as usual.

"It's fine. I'll wake us up around five if that's okay with you. You should try to get a few hours since you're not fully healed," Yu insisted.

It appeared as though Yosuke had more to say, but he conceded, "Alright, then let's—" He looked down and finally noticed their hands, and Yu braced for the usual outburst... But it never happened. Instead, Yosuke simply, and carefully, released his friend and stood up. "Let's go to bed. I'll go brush my teeth and be right back," he said somewhat anxiously, but was doing a great job appearing composed.

Yu nodded and his eyes followed Yosuke as he left the room. He hadn't expected today to be as heavy as it had turned out to be, but they'd made progress. Even if there was more to it than Yosuke was admitting, and there was certainly more Yu would have to confess, he'd take a victory where he could. Although he hadn't expected it in the slightest, his friend's admission of the true reasoning behind Ume had helped Yu deal with a few problems, but it'd opened up a much larger one. He'd known that Yosuke's beliefs would be a struggle when it came to his confession, but he had truly underestimated how monumental the odds would be when his partner's parents were factored in. He cursed himself when he thought about how naïve he'd allowed himself to be, but deep down he'd known this was an obstacle he hadn't wanted to fully consider. He had some control when it came to helping Yosuke cope if his friend did feel the same way, but he had no control over the people Yosuke sought the most praise from.

"Your turn. I'll pick another movie we can fall asleep to while you get ready," Yosuke stated as he came back in the room.

The leader stood up, putting his thoughts aside for the moment, and sorted through his bag to grab what he needed. It didn't take but a few minutes to get dressed and finish up his nightly routine before he rejoined his friend. Sure enough, another movie was loaded, but it was a more mellow choice than the previous one.

"Less noise than the last one, lighting is a lot darker, so it'll be easier to have playing in the background," the other teen explained, having gotten settled under the covers.

The volume was lowered further as Yu wrapped himself up in the covers that still had the comforting scent of the one he loved. Their normal ritual was to fall asleep with music or a movie in the background, and last night had been a fluke with Yosuke's sickness taking precedent, so it was smell of what surrounded him that kept the voice at bay. And he'd admit everything once he told Yosuke how he felt, but these secrets would have to remain his own until then.

"Hey, partner."

"Hmm?"

"Don't forget your promise."

Yu couldn't contain the soft laughter that followed Yosuke's words. "How could I?"

Yosuke scoffed, "You have a tendency to think you're more clever than you really are, remember?"

He had made the promise, and he intended to keep it, he just hoped they made more progress later on that day before he fulfilled his end. As it stood, things were looking more complicated than ever.

"Don't forget that we also have to meet with the others."

The other boy sounded annoyed when he responded, "Yeah, 'how could I'? I know your tricks. Don't think that's going to change anything."

"I understand," Yu conceded. "Good night."

"Good night, partner... And thanks for telling me some of what's been on your mind."

"The same goes for you as well." The leader allowed himself another smile. "And thank you for listening."

He heard his friend yawn and then shuffle around trying to get comfortable, but that was the end of their conversations for the evening. He also needed to sleep, but there were the other half dozen problems with his Personas and 'Shadow' that wouldn't allow it. His Personas were a constant since the quiet was now unsettling without their white noise to comfort him, and he was so thankful that a movie was droning on in the background.

The biggest issue were the things his 'Shadow' had said. he had a vague notion of what would be said to his friends when he was staring down his other self, but it was the threats he kept receiving that put him on edge the most. His friends. Adachi. Inaba. Yosuke. In that mess, there was bound to be something he'd yet to consider.

Would he be dealing with that as early as tomorrow? What kind of place would his mind create if that was truly what they were up against? Could he deal with anything now that the Goddess was gone and Teddie's world had been fixed? How would his friends react? How would Yosuke react? He'd thought what his 'Shadow' had to say was pretty damning already, so the idea of what lay ahead was enough to break him out in a cold sweat.

"That's very true. What will I reveal to everyone you've come to care about? Those who confide in someone they find to be stronger than themselves."

He was back, and Yu had known the risk, but unlike all the other times, his heart failed to start racing.

The 'Shadow' threaded his fingers over and over through Yu's hair as he spoke, "What if... I tell him before you ever get the chance to?"

And for the first time, Yu got to celebrate a victory over the darker part of himself; in fact, there wasn't even the slightest bit of worry in his heart.

Because there was nothing he was more certain of than his love for Yosuke.

Author's note: I know this was a long chapter—longest one yet actually. It was heavy, but I hope Yu's point-of-view was conveyed well enough. Thank you to everyone who is patient as usual for my terrible upload speed. I appreciate all the favorites and reviews and everything. If I've ever missed responding to your review, just know I read and love every one of them. See you next time. :)