Season 01 / Episode 12: Down, but not Out

For a long while, all anyone could do was to stare.

"So...," Reimu finally said distantly. "You were tryin' to make..."

"Manyuu," Marisa muttered. "I mean, everyone likes manyuu, right?"

"And then the oven...," Aya continued.

"I don't even know," Marisa grumbled, pressing a hand over her eyes.

"You tried to use a bolt of lightning to...," Alice started to ask.

"We went over this already."

More silence. "I didn't even know dough could explode," Sanae eventually commented in awe.

"Yeah, neither did I," Marisa growled as she pulled her hand back from her face, leaving a bright circle right in the middle of her soot-caked face. No one had anything else to say beyond that, so they just stood silently with the witch, looking at the now burned spot which was previously occupied by an oven.

An oven that had flown every which way after the deafening boom from inside the kitchen had rattled every building in Gensokyo half a mile away.

Ignoring the overpowering smell of ozone in the air, Sanae turned to Reimu.

"Well, you're welcome to use mine until, um...," she started.

"Until mine comes back from orbit?" Reimu finished in a deadpan.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure it just disintegra...," Aya's lips came together promptly once Marisa sent a warning glare in her direction.

Reimu sighed, holding her head in her hands, mentally going through the string of events that lead to her kitchen look like the end result of one of Flandre's mood swings:

Finally getting tired by Marisa's constant whining and pleas, they offered her a deal: they will let her down and she prepares the next bunch of snacks in exchange.

After what felt like weeks, the blond magician was more than eager to accept the offer.

An eagerness which promptly went down the drain after she realized that they were completely OUT of snacks.

Meaning she had to MAKE something.

And since this doubles as both a punishment AND a way to give Sanae a much needed break, she couldn't expect any help from the others.

Considering Marisa's reputation, Reimu and the others should have thought this a little bit more through.

Well, hindsight is always 20/20.

"You know what the mix box said to cook 'em for? Forty-five minutes. I mean, who's got that kind of time? And then you can't even give it more heat and do it faster, 'cause then it doesn't cook right..."

At that precise moment, a gooey mass of... something... dropped past Marisa's nose and plopped down to the ground right in front of her.

"... Or it blows up in your face," she finished weakly.

- A clean-up, shower and change of clothes later -

After Aya and Alice came back with takeouts from Mystia Lorelei's food stand (generously paid by Marisa), they once again assembled in the living room to watch the next episode.

The screen opened with a far-away shot of the Red Base.

"No! Don't kill me! I'm too good-looking to die!" Grif's pleading could be heard from there, while Caboose observed the massacre through the sniper rifle.

"Schikes, he'sch really kigging scheir assches," Marisa mumbled through a mouthful of grilled lamprey.

"Were you expecting anything else?" Alice commented, cleaning her mouth with a napkin. "Also, I know manners are a foreign concept for you, but please don't speak with a full mouth."

"Man... he is really kicking their asses."

"Schat's whad I schaid."

Alice looked up to the ceiling. "... Why do I even bother?"

"How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?" Tucker complained, standing right next to the rookie.

"I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs," Caboose added, lowering the rifle.

"Sure makes things a lot easier on us."

"Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade."

"It definitely seems that your killing Church is starting to work out for us."

Sanae sighed and shook her head, but didn't said anything.

"You know, you think so? You know, I was gonna say something, but uh... well, you know, uh... yeah."

"Did Tex get in the base?" Tucker asked, ignoring Caboose's rambling.

Caboose raised the rifle again, seeing Tex, now uncloaked, heading inside the base. "Yeah."

"'Blue Team Flag Returned'," a deep voice suddenly announced. And lo and behold, the flag somehow just materialized in the centre of their base.

"The fuck...?" Reimu asked, voicing the thoughts of everyone else.

"What the-? Who said that?" Tucker asked in confusion, before turning around, only to face Church.

Church cleared his throat. "Sorry, that was me. I, uh... I guess I had something stuck in my throat."

"The fuck was in your throat that could make you sound so manly?" wondered a confused Marisa.

"And can you keep it there?" Aya asked with a smirk.

"Ignoring that," Alice sweat-dropped. "How does that even work? He doesn't have a body anymore."

"Your flag is back, by the way."

"How did that happen anyway?" asked Reimu. "Magic?"

The others shrugged in response.

"Hey! It's Church!" Caboose said happily.

Sanae giggled at his cheerful attitude.

"He's like a dog," Aya chuckled.

"Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose…"

"Hey, Church! What're you up to?"

"Caboose, heh heh, I'm not really here to make small talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?"

"Tread lightly dudes. Tread lightly~," Marisa sang, grinning.

"Wh-What? Oh. Th-That flag? We've always had that," Tucker replied nervously.

"Smooth," Reimu deadpanned.

"Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fo-? Hey wait a second... where's Tex?

"I-I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about, uh, elbow grease"

Sanae chuckled, facing her fellow miko. "He sounds exactly like Cirno after eating your dumplings."

"Dull minds think alike," Reimu snarked.

"Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

"Kami, it's like watching a parent scold their kids...," muttered Alice.

"That Sidewinder is cold?" Caboose offered sheepishly.

Church groaned. "What was the other one thing I told you?"

"Not to let him get involved?" Tucker sighed in defeat.

"Right. And what did you do?"

"We let him get involved..."

"And now just a little involved, how involved?"

"Very, very involved," Caboose replied in a tone that sounded like he's going to be grounded by his parents.

"Boy, what a dysfunctional family," Aya joked.

- Meanwhile, inside the Red Base –

Sarge and Lopez actually managed to get the drop on Tex, holding him at gunpoint.

"Holy fucknuckles, they actually caught him?!" Marisa exclaimed in surprise.

"Seems so," muttered Alice, just as shocked. "But for how long?"

"Freeze!" Sarge ordered, pointing his shotgun at Tex, causing the Freelancer to pause in his movement.

"Drop your weapon."

As Tex complied, Sarge stepped forwards and levelled his weapon at him.

"Hey, buddy?" Tex growled.

"What?"

"You really better hope the first one knocks me out."

Sarge replied by knocking him out cold. Like a boss.

"Gotta give the old man props. That was pretty cool," praised Reimu, clapping her hands.

"Wowser! I guess I haven't been givin' Sarge enough credit!" Marisa commented with an approving nod.

"No kiddin'," Aya, Sanae and Alice agreed simultaneously.

- On top of the Red Base -

Grif regained consciousness and stood back up again.

"Ow. What the... my freaking head. Jesus" he groaned.

Simmons was already up, and looking over the unconscious body of Donut. "He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast."

"See? We said he would be fine," Reimu smiled at Sanae, who sighed in relief, wiping away some tears of joy.

"That must be some impressive armour," Aya whistled.

"Or medical capabilities," Alice added.

"Yeah, yeah, hold on a second. What happened here?" Grif asked. "First Donut's head exploded, and... then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up, and started-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out."

"Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Marisa and Aya laughed.

"Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here," Simmons grumbled.

"Yeah, sure," Grif lamented as he headed for the ramp, before stopping in his tracks and turning around. "Oh, and, uh, I'm fine, by the way. Thanks for asking."

"Whatever. No one likes you anyway," Simmons answered absentmindedly after the retreating figure of the orange soldier.

"Jeez, I can't even tell which group is more fucked up," Reimu commented, patting Sanae.

"They're both suck equally in their own unique ways!" Marisa said cheerfully, earning a slap by Alice's newspaper.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"Reasons."

"Wait, is that what you use my newspapers for?!"

"Yeah. You have a problem with that?"

"... No, not really. Hit her again."

"H-hey! W-Wait-!"

*Whack*

"OWW!"

- Back at Blue Base -

Caboose looked through the sniper rifle to look after Grif, who was re-entering his base.

"Yup. He's definitely captured... or dead... captured or dead." He gasped. "Or captured and dead!"

"Oh, well that's just perfect!" Church shouted angrily.

"Huh? What got his panties in a twist?" asked Aya in confusion. "I thought he would be jumping from joy."

"What!? What is your problem!?" Tucker asked. "Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend."

"I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married."

"Wait... WHAT?!" everyone yelled, eye's wide with shock. "SHE?!"

"'She'?" Caboose asked.

- Red Base -

Grif and Simmons joined Sarge and Lopez inside the base, where they were still holding Tex at gunpoint.

"Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here," Simmons reminded his CO.

"Could you put that in a memo and entitle it 'Shit I Already Know'!" Sarge shot back. "Get on the horn with Command!" He then turned to face Tex, who was waking up again. "Well, look who's up. Rise n' shine, buttercup."

The Freelancer tried to respond, but the voice came out all garbled, while something was sparking from his helmet.

With a click, the soldier voiced his irritation. "Oh, great. You broke my voice filter. You cock-biting fucktards!" Tex said in a clearly feminine voice.

"Ah-ha!" Grif proclaimed. "I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!"

Then the screen went black.

Everyone just exchanged glances for a moment.

"Wow...," Marisa commented, ever the eloquent one.

Character Introduction

Name: Mystia Lorelei

Race: Youkai (Night Sparrow)

Age: unknown

Occupation: Grilled Lamprey Vendor, Guitarist

Eyes: Grey

Hair: Pink

Special Features: Pointed ears and pink wings

Title: Night Sparrow Youkai

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Confusion Song, Night-blindness

Notes:

Mystia Lorelei is a little night sparrow youkai with an egocentric personality (at least she sounds arrogant) that enjoys frightening humans by using her ability: a song that creates confusion in those who hear her.

She is also able to blind people, an ability she uses to sell her grilled lamprey, which supposedly 'cure' night-blindness.