After last week's episode (12x12 "Stuck in the Middle (With You)") I had to write some tags. I wrote two, this one and one I will post tomorrow. I was so happy with the episode and getting to see some family feels again and the boys refusing the leave Cas. SO MANY FEELS! But I had a couple sort of epilogue ideas for the episode. This one is written from Mary's POV.

Characters/ Setting: Mary, Sam, Dean &Cas / Season 12 (12x12 coda)

Genre: H/C light angst

Rating: K

Warning: obviously, spoilers for the episode, don't read if you haven't watched!

Her Boys

Coda to 12x12 Mary considers what she could have lost that night in the barn.

Mary Winchester sat alone at the table in the bunker's kitchen, a cooling mug of tea clasped between her hands so she could pretend they weren't shaking. All three of the boys, the angel included, were sleeping, but Mary couldn't. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Ramiel's gold irises, bringing back so many horrible memories for her. She saw Castiel, writhing in inexplicable agony. She saw Wally's dead body….and if she let herself go too far, she saw what might have been if they hadn't been able to kill Ramiel when they did.

And what had it all been for, after all? Mary's hands clenched around the mug again, knuckles whitening in anger. Those British bastards had given her no heads up, no warning that the demon they had sent her to hunt was a Prince of Hell. They just told her what her job was. To kill him and retrieve the Colt.

Mary finally pried her hands off the mug and carefully reached into her coat to pull out the legendary gun. It didn't look like all that much, no more than any other traditional six-shooter, but if it was really the Colt, then she knew it was powerful beyond imagining. When Mick had told her what she would be retrieving, she had laughed in his face. She had never truly believed that the Colt was actually real, but here it was in her hands and it had almost got all of them killed.

She still couldn't believe her own hesitation. Thinking back on it, why hadn't she just whipped it out and shot Ramiel right there as he smugly held his pocket watch, counting down the seconds before he would kill them? It's what she should have done, what any hunter worth their salt would have, and yet, she had still hesitated because she hadn't wanted the boys to find out what she had done; that she had jumped in bed with the people who had kidnapped and tortured her youngest son. No matter how many times Mary told herself it was for the greater good, deep down, even she didn't believe herself, but now it was too late to pull out. That much she did know.

So she was just going to have to do her best to stay cautious, and make sure her boys didn't get mixed up in anything else. This had been too close of a call and she wasn't going to let that happen again.

She quickly folded the Colt back into the leather wrappings and tucked it back into her coat. She ran a hand tiredly over her face, wishing she could sleep, but knowing well enough that it would be a fruitless venture. Instead she stood up and dumped the cold tea into the sink, rinsing the cup out. She swallowed hard as she saw there was still some of Castiel's dried blood around her fingernails. She quickly grabbed a brush and scrubbed them raw, the pain feeding into her guilt at what she had almost caused to happen.

She had grown very fond of Castiel, especially after the two of them had worked together to find Sam and Dean when they were kidnapped by the government. If they had lost the angel that night…Mary closed her eyes and gripped the edge of the sink to keep herself upright. Well, she wouldn't have to worry about never forgiving herself, because Sam and Dean certainly wouldn't forgive her, especially after she told them the truth.

She splashed her face with the water and shut it off, grabbing a towel and taking several deep breaths. She leaned against the counter for a moment, trying to collect herself, and then decided she needed to check on the boys, just to make sure they were still all right. It was part of the reason she had decided to stay in the bunker that night instead of heading out right after the hunt. All of them had been pretty shellshocked after this one, and Mary wanted to make sure she wasn't needed.

She quietly headed toward the dormitory wing, coming to Sam's room first. She noticed the door was already cracked open, probably because of Dean checking on his brother, and she pushed it open to see Sam's tall figure sprawled in the bed. His computer was open next to him as if he had been researching, and she smiled fondly as she went into the room and carefully closed the laptop and set it on his desk. Then she pulled the blanket over his bare feet, remembering the last time she had tucked Sam in—the night she died—and the lump that formed in her throat at that thought threatened to choke her.

She quietly left the room, leaving the door cracked as she had found it, and crossed the hall to Castiel's room.

She knew the angel didn't usually sleep, but after his ordeal, he was obviously still weak, as he had mumbled something about resting when they got home and cleaned up. Still, she was surprised when she peeked inside the room and actually saw him curled on his side under the blankets, breathing deeply in slumber.

She wasn't surprised to see Dean there though. Her eldest son had pulled a chair over to the side of Castiel's bed, his head was dipped toward his chest, dead to the world. She knew that Sam would have been there too if Dean hadn't ordered him off to bed with probably more authority than she ever could have mustered. Mary had quickly seen the dynamic between her sons and the angel. No matter the lack of blood between them, the three were brothers and they would likely challenge anyone who dared to say differently. And after Castiel's proclamation earlier that night when he thought he was dying, Mary had no doubt that he felt the same. So if she had started to privately think of the angel as one of her boys too, she didn't really see the harm in it.

She crossed the room to the bed and took a moment to stare curiously at the sleeping angel, curled up almost in the fetal position, one hand tucked under his cheek. It just seemed so odd to see Castiel like this, but he had been through hell that night, and though his wound was healed, Mary knew there was more to it than that. She could tell by the paleness of his complexion, and tightening around his eyes even in slumber, as well as Dean's refusal to leave him alone. But as long as Castiel knew he had family to help him through this, Mary figured he would be all right eventually.

She reached out and took hold of the blankets, pulling them up to tuck more firmly around Castiel's shoulders, before she turned to Dean. He didn't look exactly comfortable, but she knew he wasn't going to move anyway, and it was better to let him sleep. So she just pulled an extra blanket off the foot of Castiel's bed and draped it over him. Dean shifted a bit, but didn't wake up. Mary brushed one hand gently through his hair and then left.

By the time she got to the library where she thought she might read some, she was trembling again. She pressed a hand against her mouth and shut her eyes. How could she possibly do this job anymore when she had so much to lose? When her family could get caught in the crossfire? She wished, not for the first time since she had been back, that John were there. Someone she could lean on. But he wasn't, and she was going to have to do the best she could to protect her boys by herself. They deserved so much better than to get caught up in this. Her stupid, stupid mistake.

"Mom?"

She turned, slightly startled to see Dean standing in the doorway, rubbing bleary eyes and looking just about the same as he had when he was four. It almost broke Mary right there, but she somehow held herself together.

"You okay?" Dean asked, nothing but concern on his face. No suspicion, just care. Her stomach twisted sickly, guiltily.

"I'm okay," she informed him, somehow keeping her voice from shaking. "Just…can't sleep."

He nodded in agreement. "I don't blame you." He came toward her and reached out to settle a hand on her shoulder. "You sure you're okay? We all took some hits tonight." The tightness in his voice told of the obvious understatement, and Mary shook her head.

"I'm all right, Dean," she assured him and reached up to stroke his cheek, feeling the stubble there that told her he was no longer her little boy after all. "Just go try to get some sleep. I will too."

He hesitated slightly and for a moment, Mary was afraid he might have called her bluff, that he was going to say something about the hunt, but he sagged, still obviously exhausted.

"Okay," he consented, reaching up to rub at his eyes again and stifle a yawn before he met her eyes. "See you in the morning?"

Mary smiled and nodded. That at least was something she could promise. "Of course."

He seemed to relax a little and nodded. "Okay. Goodnight, Mom." Then he turned and went back to the dormitory wing.

"Goodnight, Dean," she replied, then turned toward the table, sitting slowly in a chair. She felt the weight of the Colt resting against her side, and thought of her boys sleeping nearby without any clue as to what she was doing behind their backs.

But she did know one thing, and that was that this was not going to happen again. She would bring the Colt to Mr. Ketch, but when she did, she was going to make sure he understood the terms of her service.

Because she was a Winchester, and she sure as hell was not going to stand for that kind of crap.

And she certainly wasn't going to stand for losing her family.

No, if they wanted to send her into trouble without warning again, they could do it themselves because if they put her family in danger again there would be hell to pay.

Watch out for another coda tomorrow! That one will be a Cas-Centric one.

Also, if anyone ever has any coda ideas for S12 episodes as they air (or even ones already aired) let me know if you want to see anything specific. I can't promise all the ones you give me will tickle my muse, but feel free to leave suggestions in the reviews of PM me if you have any ideas :)