Season 01 / Episode 14: Roomier than it Looks

Church was standing next to the teleporter exit, when Tucker jumped out of it, covered in 'black stuff'.

Alice raised a brow. "That's actually a very clever use of faulty equipment, but shouldn't they at least try to repair the damage?"

"They're the Blues," reminded Reimu. "They would either create a portal to another reality or a changing room if it's Tucker. Or blow up the canyon. Or all three."

"Point taken."

"Are you ok, Tucker?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Still wanna know where the soot is coming from," Aya said, scratching the back of her head.

The others simply shrugged in response, unsure themselves, but not really giving a fuck either.

Both of them ran up the nearby hill. "COME ON, CABOOSE!" Tucker shouted over to the rookie, who was still standing on top of the Blue Base.

"DOES IT HURT!?" Caboose yelled back, clearly nervous.

"NO, NOT AT ALL!"

"That armour they're wearing must be really heat-proof then," mused Sanae. The rest of the group sweat-dropped, they already guessed what was going to happen next.

"OKAY! HERE I COME!" Hesitating shortly, Caboose finally entered the teleporter, disappearing from view.

Church and Tucker turned to the exit.

"Does it hurt for real?" Church asked in a casual manner.

"Oh yeah. Big time," Tucker answered, just as nonchalantly.

"Oh, you butt munchers!" Sanae frowned, not liking that kind of pranks from past experiences.

"Yikes," Marisa grinned. "San-chan is throwing around the big words!"

"Owwwwwchie!" Caboose winced as he came out, his armour now covered in soot as well. He turned around to glare at Tucker. "You lied to me," he growled in an unamused tone.

Sanae pouted. "Son of a nutcracker..."

Marisa giggled.

- Meanwhile with the Reds -

Sarge looked over the canyon from the top of his base.

"Ah, damnit," he cursed. "Lopez, c'mere." The brown-armoured soldier walked up to him. "Do you see something out there?"

As Lopez raised his rifle in response, the camera panned down to Grif and Simmons inside the base.

Standing around and talking.

"They should focus on guarding Tex," Aya stated with crossed arms. "Leaking possibly important information in front of your enemy is just asking for trouble."

"I really doubt those idiots have anything vital to spill to begin with," Reimu remarked.

"There's not 'L' in it, it's pronounced 'both'," Simmons explained in annoyance.

"That's what I'm saying. 'Bolth'," Grif insisted.

"Case in point," she noted, looking at the self-appointed star reporter. "What's your deal anyway?"

"Do you know through what lengths I usually go to get my intelligence?"

"Dunno, sitting behind a shrub all day, spying on people?"

"Exactly! Do you know how hard that is on my ass?" asked the tengu, rubbing her aforementioned body part in phantom pain. "I hate it if they then just spill the beans like that!"

"Why are you complaining?" Alice chimed in the conversation. "Wouldn't that be much easier for you?"

"It's a matter of pride!"

"'Matter of pride', my sweet ass," Marisa commented in a deadpan tone.

"Says the thieving bitch."

"Stalker crow."

"Bolth of you, shut up," Reimu groaned, leaning back in exhaustion.

"Both," Simmons and Alice said simultaneously.

"You sound like such an ass the way you say it."

Sarge looked down to them through the hole in the base. "Grif, quit your yammering and get your keister up here. Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops headed towards the base."

"Why is there a hole in their roof anyway?" asked Sanae in confusion. "What do they do if it rains?"

"Maybe it never rains there?" Marisa suggested.

"Right," Alice said sarcastically. "And the sun probably never sets either."

"As in 'more than one'?" Grif asked. "Uh, maybe we should bolth go, sir."

"Both!" // "BOTH!"

"Seriously, man. Like an ass."

"Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank," Sarge replied. "Why don't you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We can just put her on the honour system, have her guard herself."

"Good point, sir."

"YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We got just enough time for me to spray paint the bull's-eye on your back... uh, by 'bull's-eye' I of course me 'camouflage'. Now move it, cupcake."

"Mhmm, we should write that one down," mused Alice, tapping her chin in thought.

"Agreed," Reimu stated, taking a sip from her tea with closed eyes.

"... Why do I suddenly feel like someone signed my death sentence?" Marisa shivered, sweating profusely.

"Yeah," Grif sighed in defeat. "I'll be right up." He turned around and headed out of the base.

- Meanwhile with the Blues -

Church was now standing on the cliff, looking at the Red Base through the scope of his sniper rifle. He zoomed in on Grif as he ran around his base.

"Hey Tucker, come in, man. You there? This is Church. It's working. The orange one is coming out of the base," he said over the radio. "I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base."

"Roger that," Tucker acknowledged, hiding behind a rock, with Caboose behind him.

"Wow, the Blues can act like actual soldiers too if they try," noted Aya.

"Wait for it...," Reimu announced, raising a finger.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh! Tucker, Tucker, Tucker! Is that… is that Church?" Caboose asked excitedly.

"There it is."

Sanae covered her mouth to hide her giggling.

["Okay, now just keep-"]

"Tell him that I... that I said-"

["-moving around the outside of the-"]

"-for me to say 'Hi'?"

["-base, and draw their attention."]

Tucker turned his face to the rough direction of the cliff. "Whoa, wait, wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me." He then turned back to chastise Caboose. "Shut up, man. I'm on the radio."

"I said 'Just keep movin-'," Church repeated from his position, before he noticed that he went ignored.

["I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church!"] Tucker grumbled, his conversation with Caboose being picked up by the radio. ["No, I'll tell him you said 'Hi' later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?!"]

"I know your pain, man," Aya sighed. "Momiji and Hatate behave the samy way when we have a stake-out."

"Oh my god," Church groaned as he clicked off his radio. "I can't believe I actually died for this war," he muttered as he jogged off.

"I can't believe you fought for this 'war'," Alice commented. "War in the broadest sense of the word of course."

Marisa stood up, and solemnly crossed her right hand over her heart. "Private Leonard Church. Died by a friendly missile to the face, protecting a fucking flag. He was a prick and a horrible shot. He won't be missed."

Then she broke down laughing, the others soon following her example. Even Sanae had tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks.

- Back at the Red Base -

Grif was looking through the sniper rifle with Sarge at his side, neither of them noticing the semi-transparent form of Church jogging towards their base.

"I don't see any-" Grif began, only to spot Caboose, running from one cover to another. "Uh oh. Yep, there's one." Caboose then just stopped in front of a rock. "... Why is he just standing there?"

- With Tucker and Caboose -

"Caboose, get behind the rock! They can still see you!" Tucker shouted from his hideout.

"They can't see me. I can't see them!"

"That's because you're facing the rock!"

"Oh! Right," Caboose replied before moving behind the boulder.

"Oh Caboose...," Sanae smiled warmly.

"Real smooth, dipshit," Tucker snarled in exhaustion.

"I think we found Cirno's long lost brother," quipped Aya, chuckling.

"Wait," Marisa added with a grin. "Does that mean he's wings, too?"

Everyone looked up at the ceiling in thought, visualizing Caboose in his giant blue armour with small fairy-like wings, flying around happily, playing with other fairies.

They promptly broke down laughing again.

- With the Reds -

"They're definitely Special Ops," Sarge stated, unaware of Church sneaking up behind him. "I haven't seen troop movements this coordinated ("Hah!" everyone yelled at once) since my days on Side-"

Church jumped him, diving into his body. "Hegerkerkerk!"

"Looks like Church can possess people now. I guess that's a thing," Reimu stated.

"Wait, was Mr. Sarge about to say 'Sidewinder'? He and Mr. Church were once stationed on the same planet?" Sanae asked in wonder.

"Huh, small world... universe... whatever," Marisa commented.

"Guess he was relocated after the 'incident' with Tex," mused Alice, carefully paraphrasing the brutal event they watched for Sanae's sake.

Grif and Lopez turned around at the strange sounds their CO was making.

"Sir, are you okay?"

"Uh... who you talking to, Red. Me?" the possessed Sarge asked, his voice overlapped by Church's.

"Ugh, that's really creepy," Sanae shuddered. "Imagine someone takes control over your body."

"Imagine Tucker taking control over your body," Marisa remarked absentmindedly, before paling along with the others.

"I never thought I would say that, but I really hope he doesn't die. Ever," Alice whispered weakly.

"No, I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding," Grif deadpanned. Lopez took a swing at Grif, which he casually side-stepped. "Hey, what'd I tell you about that?!"

"I just realized, we've never heard him talk, have we?" Reimu noted.

"Like I said, he seems to be the strong, silent type," Aya smirked.

"Oh, I-um, I-I'm fine. That's... I'm just so mad about these, uh, god damn Blues out here. They got me so god damn mad, I could spit," Church/Sarge replied, trying to sound convincing. He sniffed back and spitted out a loogie.

Inside his closed helmet.

"Did he just-?" Alice began.

"Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess I did."

"Eeeew!" Almost everyone groaned, with Alice looking particularly disgusted.

"... Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Go ahead."

"That's really. Fucking. Gross."

"That's the first thing you've said that I completely agree with," Alice agreed, her face still green.

- With Tucker and Caboose -

"Hey, Tucker?" Caboose began, hocking next to his fellow Blue.

"What?"

"I'm having a really good time... with you."

"Hatate sounds the same when she's trying to flirt with me during an observation," Aya reminisced.

"That's great, Caboose," Tucker replied, clearly annoyed.

"And that's how I sound."

"Yeah. It's like we're real soldiers!"

"Would you please go hide behind another rock?"

"Uhm, aren't they supposed to be soldiers anyway?" Sanae asked.

"I'm holding onto hope that the answer is no, then there will be some sanity in this universe," Alice replied.

- Meanwhile at the Red Base -

Church/Sarge walked up next to Simmons and Tex. "Hey, man. What's up, yo?" he said, trying to sound natural.

And failing spectacularly.

"'What's up, yo'?," Marisa sweat-dropped. "Is he even trying?"

"Um... hey... what's going on out there, sir?" Simmons asked in bewilderment, turning around.

"What's, uh, why nothin'. Why would you ask if something's wrong?"

"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war."

"Yeah, well... I don't know. You're starting to act kind of suspicious there... other red guy. So I'ma... keep my eye on you."

"Ho-ly fuck, we found an even worse liar than you," stated the blond witch, pocking Sanae.

The shrine maiden in question pouted. "You make it sound like being honest is a bad thing..."

Ignoring his supposed CO's strange behaviour, Simmons turned back to Tex. "Sarge, I'm starting to think that-," he stopped dead in his tracks as Church dashed over and knocked him out. "Ow, geez, the back of my head!"

"Maybe you should take notes, too," smirked Alice, looking at her fellow magician.

"I rather come up with my own catch phrases, thank you," snarled Marisa back.

"What the hell are you doing!?" Tex, who was quiet till now, asked in confusion.

"Tex, it's me! Church! I've come to rescue you."

"... You're kind of short to be Church."

"How would she know? They're all the same size in their armour," asked Aya.

"What? Oh yeah, right. The armour. Hrghgk!" Sarge shook a bit as Church left his body.

"What in Sam Hell?" Sarge said aloud, looking around disorientated. "Where the... who spit on my visor?!"

"Urgh, he didn't even have the courtesy to clean that up?" Alice gagged in disgust.

"Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy, so I could sneak into the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armour, that they got from going through the teleporter."

"... Okay."

"Seriously? She's not going to question any of that?" Marisa commented. "The fuck?"

"What? That's it? 'Okay'? You're not surprised by any of this?" Church asked incredulously.

"No. It pretty much all makes sense."

"Well, she's not wrong but...," Sanae added, just as bewildered.

"Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?!"

"I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious."

"Man, talk about a 'zero fucks given' attitude," Reimu concluded, slightly impressed.

"… Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy and we'll get out of there," Church relented, before possessing Sarge again.

- Outside the Red Base -

Caboose was holding his sniper rifle while standing on a rock, with Tucker behind him.

"What are you doing?"

"One of the Reds has Tex," Caboose informed, as said Freelancer left the base, following after Church/Sarge.

"I can't even fault him for that," Alice admitted. "Church didn't explain that part of his plan that well. But considering it is Caboose we're talking about, it would have been for naught anyway..."

"I'm going to shoot him... and kill him... and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing him. And we will be friends..."

"Oh dear," Sanae muttered silently.

"Oh, come on. You don't actually believe any of that, do you?"

"Ohh, we're gonna be best friends," Caboose insisted as he lined up the shot with Church/Sarge's head.

"Is this really gonna happen, AGAIN?" Reimu groaned. "We just got Sanae to calm down!"

"Also, he sounds creepy. Like really creepy," Aya added.

"Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape," Church/Sarge ordered. "Ready? One... two... three!" he shouted and started to move...

Right as a sniper round hit him square in the head.

Sarge's body dropped like a sack of potatoes, leaving Church's ghost standing at its previous spot, confused. "What the-? Where did my body go?"

The screen turned black.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!"

"Tucker did it!" Caboose yelled quickly.

The room was silent as everyone looked at each other. Then as one, they all let out a big sigh.

"Caboose, you team-killing fucktard bitch ass."X 4

"Caboose, you ninnyhammer." X 1

"... That's really cute, San-chan."

Cue 'Cute pouting face of Doom'.

Character Introduction

Name: Hatate Himekaidou

Race: Youkai (Crow Tengu)

Age: unknown

Occupation: Reporter

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Brown

Special Features: She's the only one in Gensokyo having a modern cell phone

Title: Modern Day Spirit Photographer

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Spirit Photography

Notes:

Hatate Himekaidou is a tengu reporter who puplishes a newspaper called the 'Kakashi Spirit News'. Unlike Aya, she never goes outside for her newspaper research. Instead, she uses her ability called spirit photography, which allows her to mentally photograph anything from long distances and burn them onto surfaces.

After reading the 'Bunbunmaru', she decided to observe Aya's way of gathering for her articles.