February 2
Lord, help her! Rosemary held the handle of the antique teapot in her vice like grip as she struggled to take her next breath. Lee approached her from behind, putting one hand on the small of her back. The tremors had started from the very core of her and traveled up her spine until she feared she'd be sick. No, not sick from a physical ailment, but from the pressure and stress of having Harriet in her home. Lee placed a kiss at her temple and then turned his attention to the regal lady standing in the parlor.
"Do have a seat, Harriet." He patiently held the chair out for Harriet as she, using much pomp and circumstance, approached the chair, wiped a gloved finger over it assessing it for cleanliness, and then sat down and arranged her full fuchsia dress about her. Her blonde ringlets, bold blue eyes, and rouged cheekbones were the model of perfection.
Rosemary took the moment to slowly inhale and exhale numerous times, feeling the tremors slow. She would be able to do this. She just had to do this. She carefully poured the hot tea into the teapot, all the while silently saying a prayer under her breath. She watched the steam rise and inhaled the lovely, calming scent of blackberry.
"How lovely! You do set a good tea, Rosemary," Harriet assumed her dignified posture. Lee offered her a linen napkin for her lap and she promptly turned him away with a wave of her hand. "I can't imagine possibly eating another smidgen of food. Did you know that the cafe in town, they sell a complete breakfast? Even though it was much too simple for my tastes, it was filling." She slid her Italian ivory lace gloves off finger by finger and folded them delicately.
She'd only arrived moments ago and already Harriet's haughty mood was apparent. "Is that so, Harriet?"
"That's another thing… how is it, that since my arrival you refer to me as 'Harriet'? That is a rather impersonal way to refer to your mother." The woman looked down her nose at Rosemary.
She felt her belly clench. She promised herself she would strive for a balance of both genuineness and graciousness in their talk today, but the feelings bubbling up in her were anything but gracious. She took another slow breath and then seasoned her honest words with as much grace as she could muster.
"In all honesty, I find it hard to think of anyone besides Catherine as 'Mother', as she was the one who raised me." She smiled stiffly and motioned to the teapot. "Tea?"
Harriet nodded and held out her teacup. "I always wished we could get to the place you'd call me 'Mother'. But perhaps I understand your resistance to the idea."
"Resistance?" Rosemary poured the tea into the cup and the last drop rebelliously splashed onto her hand causing a minor sting.
Lee cleared his throat from the corner and motioned with his hands for her to take it easy. She glanced at him and then took a deep breath, counting to ten, another one of Lee's tricks. Once her outrage was under control, she spoke, her voice warbling:
"It isn't resistance, but more like uncertainty. How can one call someone 'Mother' who was not there?"
She handed the teacup to Harriet who promptly placed it in her saucer. Although she was the semblance of high manner and society, Harriet's cheeks had blushed pink.
Lee stepped up to the table. "May I offer you some cream?"
He picked up the cream pitcher, which was actually well within reaching distance of their guest, and held it up.
Rosemary locked eyes with him. God bless him, he was trying to deescalate the conversation. Too bad both her and Harriet seemed to be cut from the same cloth in the area of stubbornness and quick tempers.
"Yes, thank you." Harriet nodded and lifted her teacup for him to add the cream to.
Her fingernails bit into the tender flesh of the palm of her hand as she clenched her fist. Again, she took a deep breath. 1, 2, 3…
After administering the cream, Lee gently brushed past her shoulder, under the guise of obtaining his own plated croissant.
"Remember to look into the heart." He said quietly, only audible to her ears. He then lifted the treat from the countertop and turned to the both of them. "Ladies, I will be retiring to the parlor if you are in need of my assistance."
Rosemary watched as he walked into the parlor and sunk into the settee, already taking a hearty bite of the soft bread. Oh how she wished he'd stay, but at least he was near, close enough to stand up and intervene again if one or both of their tempers started to flair.
His whispered words crept back up her spine and made themselves at home in her heart… to look into the heart of the matter. During their talk yesterday, Lee had mentioned Harriet may bristle and be outright poky in her demeanor, but ultimately, those actions were just a distraction from the heart of the matter— the hurt and rejection Harriet herself had experienced that led her to this place. With his whisper, he urged her to look past all that and keep focused on what was truly going on. She could do this… couldn't she?
She slowly took her seat and poured herself a cup of tea. As she added a small dollop of cream and a sugar cube, and stirred the whole thing together with a small golden spoon, she whispered another prayer under her breath for strength and patience. It was time to put this conversation on track.
"Harriet, I believe the time apart after our initial talk served us well. I have had time to think about a lot of things… would it be okay for us both to talk honestly and perhaps let down this wall between us?"
Harriet's eyes flickered over her cup of tea. "Well, you most definitely do not beat around the bush, do you, dear?"
She licked her dry lips and met Harriet's eyes with her own honest eyes. "Actually, more often than not, I am a master at it. I've been running from heartfelt conversations for a long time… pretending things are okay when in reality they are not. I tire of holding up a facade when what's truly needed in the present moment is truth. Would you kindly agree to set such foolishness aside for the sake of our conversation today?"
At first Harriet's face registered shock at such frankness, but then slowly the mask of sophistication and restraint fell from Harriet's face, replaced instead by a curious openness. Rosemary glanced at her soul in that moment and her hopes soared. Would Harriet keep her guard down and would they be able to talk heart to heart after all these years?
"I… I am not quite sure how to have that kind of conversation." Harriet's eyes looked bare, vulnerable and afraid, perhaps the exact reflection of Rosemary's own.
"That makes two of us." She smiled lightly. "But we can try."
The seconds ticked by like hours until Harriet responded. "I agree… but only if absolutely necessary."
"I believe it is absolutely necessary. This has been a conversation years in the making."
Harriet demurely nodded, still the picture of sophistication and grace, but now there was a slight accessibility about her.
Rosemary audibly released the breath she didn't know she had been holding. Now they were getting somewhere. "To be honest, your arrival and our first talk, well it dealt me quite a blow. It took me a few days to begin to process all that."
Harriet looked a little guilty. "It was a lot, I do admit."
"I'm still processing, and I do have a few questions."
"I figured you would." Harriet lightly fingered the rose pattern on her teacup. Her own apple red lipstick stained the rim.
"Why did you come here, now? For so many years I didn't hear from you, and now, out of the blue, you arrive. I don't understand."
"I do admit, it is a bit strange. I guess… after seeing Edgar again and talking of you, well, I realized I could come meet you. I was now free to try to contact you."
"What do you mean 'now free'?" Rosemary questioned.
"Phillip and Catherine, they had me sign a release not to contact to you. They wanted you to grow as their daughter and never question that."
"So what? It was like a hush-hush adoption?"
"Basically. My immediate family knew. But the day I handed you over to Catherine and Phillip was the day my relationship with my family died. They couldn't understand."
"Understand what? That you could give up your daughter? I think that is a pretty hard thing for anyone to understand." Rosemary couldn't help feeling her feathers ruffle, but took another deep breath and rephrased her question. "What I mean is… I'm sure it was hard for them to comprehend. Just like it is for me."
"I… I know it is impossible for you, or anyone to fully understand, but I believed it was the right thing to do. All I wanted for you was to feel loved, cared for. I hope you did."
Rosemary nodded, her own blonde ringlets bobbing up and down. "Phillip and Catherine, they were great. But still I felt abandoned, deep down growing up. Although I was loved, I knew I didn't quite fit."
"It was the best I could give to you."
"By giving me away? That was your best?" She couldn't help the venom pouring forth from her lips.
"I know it is hard to understand, but I couldn't imagine any better for you. Edgar, he didn't want children, and well, he was my ticket to life, to success. And I guess I traded you in for all that. But I didn't see how you'd ever be happy with a father who didn't want you and a mother who was flighty. I really was never mother material."
"But you never tried." The words fell delicately broken from Rosemary's mouth.
Harriet looked up, her eyes full of pain. "Actually, I did, with your older half bother… Samuel. Edgar convinced me it was best for him to go to boarding schools and the like. Although it appeared better than us both being destitute, Samuel grew away from me, and he became bitter and angry with both of us. I've not spoken to him in years."
"But just because things went badly with Samuel, didn't necessarily mean it would go bad with me." She felt as if her heart was punctured and spilling forth every emotion she had so carefully bottled up for so long.
"I couldn't take the chance. I failed once before, I was destined to fail again. And then with the papers I signed— I could not have contact with you until you were eighteen, and even then, only with your parent's approval. Catherine… she never approved of me after I married Edgar."
"And rightly so." Rosemary nodded, feeling she must stand up for Catherine, even after all these years.
Again Harriet's eyes filled with pain. Rosemary winced. Harriet's feelings were real just as Rosemary's were. She needed to tread a little more lightly.
"I… I'm sorry that came off as callous. I'm truly just trying to understand. I really have had a good life, and…" she fidgeted nervously with her wedding ring, "I truly do believe you did the right thing. I'm not mad about it, just confused…"
Harriet's big blue eyes suddenly welled up with tears, and she turned away, but not before Rosemary saw the look of brokenness and regret pouring forth from her features. After a moment, Harriet cleared her throat.
"I'm sorry you are confused. I promise I will help with that. I will stay here and answer all your questions even if it takes clear until tomorrow." Harriet looked contrite. "You have no idea how long I have waited to hear the words you just spoke— that you believe perhaps I did the right thing. I've always hoped, foolishly perhaps, that perhaps you could forgive me." The tears leaked from her eyes unabashedly, full of regret, guilt, and pain.
"I do forgive you." Rosemary felt the words slide from her heart, even before all her questions were answered. That was truly, only by the grace of God.
Rosemary watched as thirty years of guilt and sadness melted away from Harriet's face.