Sleep became a stranger, not that anyone but Felicity seemed to be aware of it. Keeping secret about her intention to stay awake wasn't nearly as difficult as she had expected it to be, Oliver and John were kept so busy with their own concerns that they simply didn't notice her wakefulness. They hardly spent any time in the same place, taking it in shifts to make sure she was never left alone and only relaying intel on the Master when their time in the Arrow cave overlapped.

Her appetite also hit a snag. While her mother had been visiting she had begun to regain some of her lost weight but it had been a temporary respite. The face that looked back at her from the mirror of her compact was rapidly returning to skeletal gauntness. She assumed that too was beneath the men's notice radar because nothing had been said to her about it.

With her deeply hollowed cheeks and bloodshot, darkly smudged eyes she thought she resembled one of the more ominously evil Metas held at S.T.A.R. labs. She hoped Oliver hadn't said anything to Barry or the rest of the crew at S.T.A.R. labs about visiting her now that she was back. She knew she could hide, or at least obscure, the physical signs from Oliver and John since they were used to her sickly, haggard appearance but explaining to Barry, Cisco, or especially Caitlyn why she was making no forward progression in her recovery would be far more difficult.

Her almost overwhelming exhaustion was kept at bay purely by her fear. She was afraid of dreaming, afraid of waking up to her own blood curdling scream, afraid of waking up only to find herself back in that cave on Martinique, afraid of never waking up again... The fears built into a massive panic attack just waiting to leap out and catch her unaware. She would not let it.

Her paranoia was growing as well. Every sound caught her off guard and startled her heart into a quick erratic rhythm. Even the low, soft whump of the air conditioning cutting on was enough to cause her distress. In her mind's eye, every sound heralded her return to captivity and each stretch of silence was an agonized wait until the next noise came.

She was sitting up in bed, tapping rapidly at her tablet when a deep wave of exhaustion swallowed her and sent her head nodding as her fingers slowly stopped their frenzied pace. Her chin dipped close to her breastbone but before it completed its motion she jerked awake with a panicked gasp. She shot a quick look toward Oliver who had taken up her old position at the bank of computer monitors. His attention was too engrossed in his research for him to have noticed her slip.

She shifted slightly and readjusted her glasses. With a slow, deep breath she tried to refocus her attention on her tablet.

"Damn it!"

The softly spoken exclamation drew her attention. "What is it?" She honestly didn't expect a reply and was therefore startled when she received one.

"I'm not as good at this stuff as you are."

That brought a smile to her lips and she ducked her head to hide it. "What stuff?" she asked.

Oliver scrubbed his hands across his face and grinned at her. "Just stuff."

She quirked her lips. "Stuff that I'm better at than you are?"

"Yes, exactly." He stood up and crossed the distance to her bed. Gently taking one of her hands in his, he rubbed his fingers across her knuckles. Pinning her with a steady gaze, he asked, "How are you?"

Shrugging, she smiled again. "As good as can be expected, I guess."

"Really?"

"Sure."

He studied her face for a long minute. "How about the truth?"

She tried to look confused. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Still holding her hand in one of his, he tipped her chin up with his free hand. "I know I can be dense about some things and you are brilliant...the smartest person I've ever met."

She tried to cut him off with a sharp denial but he wouldn't let her. Instead, he brought one finger up to rest on her lips to effectively silence her.

He repeated, "You are the smartest person I have ever met." He let his finger trace the curve of her mouth until his hand was cupping her jawline delicately. "And I am not, as the kids once used to say: the sharpest tool in the shed."

She shook her head a bit. "The kids never used to say that."

He ignored her comment and continued. "I know you're not eating. I know you're not sleeping. I know you think you're successfully hiding these things from me, but you're not. So I'm going to ask you again, how are you?"

With the wind so abruptly taken out of her sails, she just looked back at him with flat eyes. "I don't know. I'm terrified of falling asleep. Every time I do I end up back in that cave. And every time I wake up all that's left is the terror, the actual memories are gone. The next time I fall asleep is the same - it's not getting any better, it's getting worse."

Oliver nodded silently and eased himself down on the edge of the bed, still holding onto her hand. She used her free hand to swipe ineffectually at the tears that had begun to fall down her cheeks.

"The more it happens, the worse it is. What if I wake up and find out all of this," she gestured vaguely to the room at large, "is just a dream?"

"It's not a dream, Felicity. This is real and you're safe now. But I do understand what you mean." He massaged her hand is the two of his. "I remember feeling something like that. I'm sorry I don't know what to say to make the doubt and fear go away. I wish I did."

The silence between them drew out for several minutes before he spoke again. "John did mention the possibility of some sleeping pills that would let you rest and keep you from dreaming. They might not be a bad idea, if you'd like to try them."

She shook her head. "No, no drugs." The trembles started before she could finish the demand and she tried to clench her hands into fists to hide the telling reaction. Oliver refused to relinquish his hold on her hand.

"Okay, no drugs. I thought you liked John's asprins?" he jested, a small smile on his face.

"I did but now...I remember too much." She thought about the admission after the words left her mouth. She hadn't meant to admit that much.

Oliver didn't push the issue, just squeezed her hand and nodded. "I am so sorry, Felicity. If I could take any of this away, I would."

"I know. It's not your fault."

"We don't know that. We still haven't learned why you were targeted."

"I think I prefer not knowing."

to be continued...