Well well well, it wasn't my first intention to adapt the substance abuse issue to this story, but I knew I wanted Lily in this chapter and thought it could be a good combo. Hope it doesn't bother you, considering that I'm not going to develop it any further besides this chapter. IMPORTANT, I don't really know how it must be like to be in this kind of situation, but I do believe in rehab and second chances; the part where Donna says no one gets really through it it's just a thought she has in the spur of the moment. I hope no one gets offended by it :)
I don't know if anyone is still following this story but here you go!
G-
Alex makes his way to the elevators, putting one foot in front of the other. He stops in front of the lift to find its sight blocked by a back-turned redhead.
She's deep down inside the reading of a document, so he pokes her briefly on the shoulder. She turns around and her eyes land on his. His soft chocolate ones meet a dire hazel ones.
"What?" She bites aggressively, completely out of place.
Alex holds up his finger and motions at the implant behind her. He's startled by her unjustified crankiness, having merely assisted to a flustered Donna. Even when she's mad or she yells at someone, she's always so put together. Now she just seems out of her game.
She just slides over him and goes away, without saying a word. The whole thing reeks of bad news, and he can't just let it go. The man decides to drift back to follow her silhouette towards the kitchen, instead of pursuing his plans and going downwards. They have company in the room, a couple of associates nursing themselves their coffees. They seem more than inclined to stay and chat for who knows how much time, so he approaches her side, facing the counter as she is doing, and whispers, "What's going on with you?"
She doesn't even turn, opening the cabinet in front of her and taking a mug out of it. The cold ceramic runs shivers all down her arms, and the geometric pattern makes her head spin. Maybe she's developing the flu. It wouldn't be the first time, giving all the germs Penelope brings home from all the public spaces she frequents. Or maybe it's just the physical reaction to the sleep deprivation, she might say. The sound of the two other voices in the room are not providing any comfort, she just wants to shut them off.
"Have I done something to you?" Alex adds, pushing on the thick indifference wall she's held up.
"Leave it." She just warns. Too much bitterness on her tone, he thinks.
The talk in the background doesn't subside, if not it only intensifies. One of members of the couple cracks a joke, eliciting a giggle from the other one. The acuteness pierces her head, and she wants to reach it so badly and rub away the tension that it's been building. And she does just that. Too bad the hand was occupied with the task of holding the cup, that crashes to the ground with a startling noise.
Alex instinctively jerks backwards, allowing the piece of furniture to land right at her feet. Donna feels the burning sensation of the material brushing her feet's skin, and the shards cutting her flesh. She swears at the contact and reaches involuntarily for her right calf, the action causing her to stumble. The senior partner watches it all happening too quickly, most of his responses dictated by instinct. When he catches her tripping with the corner of his eye, his first impulse is to reach out and snag her by the armpits. The younger duo, interrupted in their morning conviviality, witness to the scene, commenting with a gasp here and there. When Alex has finally placed Donna on one of the table's chairs, he turns to face them.
"What is it? Playtime? Don't you have a job to return to?" He yells at the unwanted guests than linger on their spots, the need is to get them out to put a clearly edgy Donna on ease. Despite their curiosity, they decide its better to leave the two partners alone. They quickly make their way out and, as soon as they're out of earshot, he speaks.
"Are you hurt?" He asks, the concern in his more than evident.
"Ouch." Donna complains as the pain increases. She puts a hand to cover her bruises, only to make the porcelain slice her palm too.
Alex is fast to step in, holding her hand and forcing her to make eye contact with him. He may not know Donna as well as the others, but he's not blind, and he's certain something is bothering her. Although, he doesn't consider appropriate making her open up just yet, so he decides to take care of her external wounds for now.
"You need to calm down and stop touching yourself. You're going to make it worse." He reasons gently. "I'm going to get a first aid kit and see what I can do, alright?"
She goes to open her mouth, wanting to say there's no need, that she's fine. She's not, and not just physically. He holds up a finger, though, and that tells her she's already lost the unborn argument. A bit of help won't hurt in any case, she thinks. She just nods.
He returns after just a few minutes, briefcase in hand and everything. He looks like a housecall doctor. Donna decides that suits him. She would let him cure her. And she will. She looks around, and finds the common space around the glass walls of the kitchen weirdly empty. It might have something to do with Alex, wanting to give her privacy. He's a good and thoughtful man.
He kneels down in front of where she's sitting and his eyes find hers in a silent permission to touch her. She gives it to him, as the lawyer starts taking off her shoes. He examines the situation and opens the kit with a click of the locks. He takes a pair of gloves and a tweezer. Starting taking out the mug's pieces, the feet are slowly and carefully free from any shrapnel. The same treatment is repeated for her hand and the injuries are soon disinfected and bandaged.
"You know, if this law thing doesn't work, you might as well get a job as a surgeon." She suggests to light up the darkness they've fallen into, having eyed his ministrations during all the time.
Alex chuckles at the comment, finding for the first time today something that reminds him of Donna. He's glad he can hear the humor in her voice again. "Well, Joy used to come home with plenty of wounds, so I had to get used to do things like this."
A thin smile finds its way to Donna's lips, who, for the first time too, feels a little more relaxed.
He throws the blood-soaked tissues in the trash bin by the door, the piercing smell of them finding her nostrils with a gross making its way out of her mouth. He takes a sit beside her and waits silently for her to take the lead.
The woman fidgets with her fingers for a rightful amount of time before motioning with her head at the file standing on the counter. He stands up to grab it and hand it to her, not expecting her to decline the offer and persuade him to open it and read the content. He's surprised by her willingness, but he's glad he's going to get a clearer vision of what's going on. Alex trails his eyes along the first few lines and it's enough for him to understand.
"Harvey is getting sued? That's what you're worried about?" He vocalizes frowning his brows.
Donna lowers her middle to gently slip one of her pumps on, raising her head just to give him the answer with a nod. The tough material against her sensible skin makes her hiss.
"Well, you know how many times this has happened before, and how many times is going to happen again, but Harvey always finds a way out." He reassures her, though he can't really figure out why she seems so affected this time.
"It's not about the lawsuit, it's more about the plaintiff."
Alex scans the document yet again, his eyes seeking a name. "Stephen…Huntley. And who the hell is this Stephen guy?" He asks, giving that he hadn't met the man back then, having arrived at the firm just recently.
Funny, Donna thinks. Who is Stephen in this kind of situation? She is not exactly able to tag him, except as a big fat pain in the ass. And maybe she's being selfish and childish, but his conduct doesn't surely help his case.
"Let's just say that he and Harvey don't get along well." Yeah, an euphemism. A nice way to put it, considering the way her husband beated him when they found out about his crimes; or, to be honest, when he saw how Donna was hurt.
"And I know that Harvey doesn't get along with tons of people, but doesn't make you crash Lisa's favourite mug to ground." Shit, that was Lisa's favourite. She definitely needs to get her a new one if she wants her to invite Penelope to play with her son on Thursday.
"Have you ever heard of the Hessington case?" She tastes the ground to understand how much she needs to fill him in.
"Are you talking about the Hessington Oil? Briefly, wasn't that like a decade ago?"
"Six years," She corrects. "Ava was charged with bribery and the murder of her opposers by Cameron Dennis. Harvey was her attorney. It was later revealed that Stephen Huntley, Edward Darby's right-hand was responsible for the murders and he was trying to set her up for it." She sees how her collegue's eyes pop out of the orbits.
"Damn it, you could have started with that!" He chokes out, resuming the string of speech.
"So now you understand why-"
"Why this is a dangerous situation? Yes, of course." He draws his own conclusions.
They stay in silence for a couple of seconds, him letting the information sink, her trying to cope with the throbbing of her head. She has decided against telling Alex the details of the nature of her and Stephen's past relationship, not deeming it necessary.
The lawyer sits down for what seems like the fifth time of the day, offering Donna the least he could give, his legal help. She declines, confident she can figure out her next move to try and talk Stephen out of it. This may be quite incoherent from her, telling the man to go fuck himself and then begging him to drop the lawsuit he's filed. Why would he even listen to her when she doesn't let him see his potential daughter? Except she doesn't see any other solution.
.
.
Lily Specter has made mistakes in her life. Back then, she had thought that a busy husband and two little kids were enough to justify them. They weren't. Her husband adored her and her sons were nothing but lobbing, even if a bit noisy.
Yet, she felt the need to escape the monotony of her life. Bringing random men home, when she was alone, provided some kind of distraction, making her feel young and wanted again. Some harmless fun wouldn't have hurt anyone, she used to believe. She realized at her own expense that was far from the truth, when her eldest son decided to cut her out of most of his adult life, denying her any possibility of making it right.
Nothing, for all those years, had proven itself strong enough to bend her son's will, when, out of the blue, he showed up and told her someone special in his life had encouraged him to reconcile with her. Harvey had then invited his girlfriend at dinner with them, so Lily had assumed she could have been the special someone, but a sheepish look was all it was needed to make her understand she had seen wrong.
Donna Paulsen had been a quite recurrent name in her and Marcus' conversations, and ,before that, even with Gordon. She couldn't quite point out what kind of relationship they had, but it wasn't her place to find out. Nonetheless, it seemed like an indissoluble link that made his son behave like she never thought possible. Therefore, when he called to tell her he was going to pay her a visit with someone special, Lily wasn't surprised to open the door to a certain redhead. What came unexpectedly tough, was the protuberance of Donna's belly, showing the presence of her future grandchild to the world. The toothy smile of her son told her he was the happiest he had ever been.
Donna has always proved herself a wonderful daughter-in-law. She would take a bullet for Harvey, and the fact she is good looking and conversation comes easily with her makes it even better. All her other innumerable qualities are just a bonus. She's the dream of any mother. But when she pays a surprise visit to the couple and her son invites her at dinner at their place, the person that comes home to them is a totally different one.
For how many times the key had turned into the lock without any luck, Harvey thought someone was trying to break in. Instead, it was Donna, who was finding opening the door extremely difficult, her headache growing every minute. When she finally succeeds, she loses balance and keels over the engraved numbers 206. She drags her self down the hallway, its quietness at loggerheads with the liveliness that comes from the dining room. When she turns to the left, the sudden meeting of the lights with her retinas makes her blink a few times. She's confused. So damn confused.
Penelope is sitting on one of the armchairs that frame the glass window in front of the kitchen. The space is animated by Harvey and his mother, who's stirring something in the pan. Vegetables if she has to guess. The smell of fresh food would normally awake appetite, rather than nausea, but it seems different this time. Lily is the one who notices her from the large square cut out of the cream-painted wall. The second the child hears her grandma calling her mother's name out, she scans the surroundings until she finds her and runs into her arms.
"Hey baby." Donna greets her daughter, caressing her strawberry blonde hair. She makes her way to the guest, as much as the little girl wrapped around her allows.
"Harvey, your mother is here and the first thing you do is put her to the stove?" She humors, the cuisine the last thing she thinks about.
She loves spending time with Lily, and she's happy when she's around Penelope too, but she would have loved nothing more than pass out into bed. It doesn't feel like the night to hold a conversation and be a good host.
"Nonsense, I popped out of nowhere, and Harvey insisted I sleep in you guest room, so the least I could do is prepare something to eat." She comments with a warm smile.
"Mommy let her do it, considering you never cook." Her niece adds innocently, before getting a slap on the arm by Donna.
The four of them proceed with their dinner. Work and school related questions are asked, a few laughs shared and generally they catch up with their lives. Donna doesn't share much, apart from a few nods and hums. That is until almost the end of the evening, when Lily grabs her purse, looking for something.
"I almost forgot my pill." She fills them in, rummaging in the bag. She takes out a far too familiar orange container. The inscription almost yelling at Donna.
"What is it? Mom are you sick?" Lily's worried son asks. He instantly regrets it, praying for a negative answer so Penelope doesn't have to listen.
"What? No, nothing like that. I've just been a little sluggish and unfocused lately, the doctor thought these could help me." The eldest woman says, taking a glass of water to swallow the medicine; amphetamines to be exact.
Donna feels her stomach twisting, nervousness creeping at the pit, as her hands get all sweaty. She starts breathing in and out through her nose. Maybe a little too fast. Ok, she's definitely hyperventilating. It's all too much and too sudden, fate taking advantage of her already weak position. She's in clear distress, but before it goes any further she excuses herself, claiming she's tired and she should be putting Penelope to bed.
About an hour later, when she feels the mattress dip under Harvey's weight, she fakes sleep, lying there with nerves to the edge. Until she can't take it anymore.
It was probably a matter of time anyway, she tells herself. No one gets really trough it. A person handles it and suffocates the need. But it's always there, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself it's not. You think you're stable, until you break. Now it's her turn. In a more philosophical reading, it would mean that some god up there has put her in front of a challenge, and she has lost. And perhaps it's just going to be a onetime thing. Maybe it won't change anything. It will be like nothing happened. But deep down she knows that it's never just a onetime thing, it's what you tell yourself to abolish the guilt and shame that's eating you alive.
Donna navigates herself to her apartment's spare room and sneaks in. How lame, she thinks. Breaking in while your mother-in-law is sleeping, like an addict looking for the drug. Thinking about it, it's exactly what she is. She reaches for the purse left on the table.
Out of nowhere, the lights are turned on, illuminating the crime scene. Lily is standing next to the switch, an impassible look in her eyes. How is that possible that she didn't notice? Donna's heart beats so quickly, she fears it might explode, and the grip on the plastic tube she was holding loosens, till the object hits the floor.
"Care to explain?" Lily says to the the other woman, who looks more like a kid caught with the hands in the jam.
"I...I was just..." She stumbles. There's no excuse, and she's well aware of it.
Donna shuts her mouth and gulps hard, tears follow fast and stream down her pale face. A desperate and hectic cry sets free all the anguishes that have been tormenting her. Lily soothes her on the spot they find on the ground after the redhead's knees give out, letting her vent till the last sob. The least she wanted to accomplish was to make her cry, but it was what it needed to be done.
When the breakdown has subsided, they sit gently on the couch, the guest offering her own host a glass of water. The redhead gladly accepts it and takes a gulp. Her nails begin to tap the cup, the ticking echoes in the large empty space.
"I'm an addict." Donna speaks up. "Was...I..." She tries to sugarcoat it, even if the notion is too hard to swallow.
"My family couldn't afford college because my father lost all of our money, but I wanted to study theater and drama at Yale so badly I was willing to do anything to make that happen. The only way I could get in was with a scholarship. So I..." Lily places a hand on her knee and squeezes it gently in encouragement. "I started taking amphetamines to increase my performances, at the point where I could no longer remember what day was and daily took four of them in a row." She spits out the last part.
That's it. That's her story. No reasons of force majeure, no deaths or calamities, no abandonment issues or illnesses, just a stupid nineteen year old who wanted to be an actress. And she even turned out to be a legal secretary.
The classical pity look that Lily throws at her makes her relive the NA meetings all over again. She feels ashamed like never in her life, thinking about how she promised herself she would never feel that way again; she failed. However, the gaze might be burning her skin, but she doesn't feel judged. That's something in Lily's manners that doesn't put her in the corner, she feels actually lighter. Neither of them says anything for a long time, so Donna senses the urgency of breaking the awkward silence.
"I'm so sorry that a plutocrat like me happened to you." She washes away the leftovers of her tears.
"To be honest, I'm glad I found one mistake in your person, I was starting to get worried you had none." Lily chuckles.
"Really? So you don't worry about the fact that the wife of your son and mother of your niece used to get high?" She jokes, still sniffing.
"No, if you haven't started again." The conversation shifts from playful to serious. Donna repositions herself so she can face the older woman better. It's the first time she has really looked in her eyes.
"I know that you have no reason to believe me, but I'm clean. I haven't taken anything since I was twenty-one. Not a single time." She spells the last words firmly. And Lily believes her. Never trust the word of an addict, they say. But for some reason, Lily does trust her. That doesn't mean she's going to get her off the hook so easily.
"I get it. What I don't get is why you were stealing my pills, then."
"Because I was about to go down that road, again. And now I realize I was about to throw everything I've accomplished away for a moment of weakness." She states like she means it. "I know that isn't an excuse, but I'm going through a really bad situation, and I haven't slept in days. I just thought that I might need a little help to stay awake, how foolish."
"What's wrong?" Lily cautiously asks. She doesn't want to push Donna, but, if she has to, she will. Donna ponders her options. She doesn't want Lily to have an even lower opinion of her, but what's the point in making up a story or be vague? She knows that woman has every right to get to the bottom of it, so it's better not to offer resistance.
"Recently I have crossed paths again with a guy I have been with and he has been tormenting me ever since because...because he found out he might be Penelope's dad." She comes clean.
"But Harvey..." Lily starts, not sure she has understood well.
"Harvey has been aware of it since day one. He claimed he wanted to be there every step of the way and wanted to raise Penelope as his own, even if it might haven't been."
Lily is speechless. Her mind wanders around, all the possible signs that could have shown the truth. She pictures that sweet baby girl and finds it impossible to believe that there's even the slightest possibility she's not Harvey's. She swears she can see him when she looks at her, but it's so much more than that. The bond they share it's beyond anything she's ever witnessed, the kind of bond that only fathers and daughters have.
Her mother's primal instinct kicks in and she thinks about how Harvey must have felt all this time. She has been informed of the side effects of her rowdy encounters, them resulting in Harvey's long term trust and commitment issues. The uncertainty of a matter like paternity can't have exactly tempered those.
She should do something. She should take his son's party when his vision is clearly clouded by love and show him that the kind of life he has settled for; the plan B, the easy way out in a rushed plan of a woman. Then why just the thought of her brain being able to formulate this kind of assertions makes her sick? Because that would mean erase the deep affection she feels for the little kid she's renowned as hers.
She should be mad at Donna, too. She should condemn her frivolity. She should blame her for putting her son in a similar position. She should want to not have ever met her. She should consider her profiteer and careless. Then why, as she looks into those emotional eyes, she feels nothing but fondness? That look tells her she's truly and deeply disappointed by herself. And Lily's most certainly not moved by pity. No, she's not an easy talk. But she's sure as hell moved by empathy. And right now she can feel the liability Donna's been holding. Perhaps that's what scares her the most. Because this woman, that she doesn't really know, is able to manovre her without even knowing it, without even trying or wanting to.
Deep down she knows that, given her history, she has no reason to be judge or jury.
"Well," Lily clears her throat. "I can't say it's an easy thing to digest or that I wouldn't have liked to know sooner."
Donna is about to speak again, when her mother-in-law stops her, holding her index up.
"But," She goes on. "I know that people find themselves in difficult situations, and if this is how you two chose to handle it, I support you." She says, with a steadiness that settles Donna down. "I love you and I love Penelope, but, for her sake, I really think you and Harvey should talk this through."
Donna nods her head, as her lips seal in a thin line. She's right. Of course she is. Never in a million she would have thought the cheater mother of her former boss would be the one to enlighten her. But again, she would have never thought she would marry Harvey and that Lily would have been such a wonderful person.
"And," She adds. "For your sake, I'll come with you to one of those NA meetings you love so much." A giggle escapes Donna. "Because right now you're not in the right frame of mind and you need to get back on your feet. Starting by sleeping, so go to bed right now." She playfully imposes, but the smile across her face hides a deep sense of understanding and faith.
It surely isn't ideal, being scolded to bed, for a woman of her age. And neither is going to those meetings again, admitting the failure, but it's for the greater good and Donna is eternally glad she has someone to watch her through this.
C'mon hit that review button. I know you want to ;) but seriously, I'd really appreciate if you could give me your opinion. I hope to update soon with Stephen, Donna, Harvey and an elevator!