Chapter 145
Mitternacht gently nuzzling Avalina's face roused her to wakefulness. She hadn't slept so deeply in many weeks and was not entirely willing for it to end. Weakly, she tried to shove his muzzle away but it immediately returned, his whiskers tickling her face.
Avalina's giggled faintly, barely awake. "Stop it boy," she mumbled sleepily, pushing his muzzle away again as she burrowed deeper into the fabric. "It's too early..."
When the horse's whiskers tickled her face for the third time, Avalina cracked an eye open to look at him, quite positive he was getting a kick out of this.
"You think you're so funny," she whispered, placing a hand on his nose. Mitternacht gave a soft snort in reply as Avalina yawned.
The sun was just barely peeking over the horizon, the morning still soft and dusky, and the earth was mostly masked in faint shadows. Avalina sighed in contentment, feeling a bit too languid to move just yet. She loved this time of morning before the world was quite awake.
Becoming more aware of things, she noticed she was curled against the Horned King's side, his arm a comfortable weight lying across her shoulders, and she smiled, the memories of yesterday coming back. He must have sat here all night so as not to disturb her...
Blinking the tiredness from her eyes, she glanced up, feeling her drowsiness instantly vanish as she looked upon the Horned King.
His head was tilted back against the tree, his breathing deeper than normal and when Avalina carefully sat up (easing his arm off her shoulders in the process), she noticed his eyes were peacefully closed.
The shocked girl stared for several seconds and resorted to pinching her wrist before she was convinced she wasn't dreaming.
'He's asleep,' she thought in wonder, watching the slow rise and fall of his chest. 'Great stars, he's actually sleeping...but he told me he couldn't...how did this happen?'
Avalina sat there silently, hardly able to believe what she was seeing. She knew she was seeing something phenomenal, for she remembered what he had told her.
'He hasn't slept in a thousand years,' she thought in awe. 'I wonder what it's like to be able to do so after all this time...'
As if her very thoughts had summoned him to wakefulness, the Horned King stirred faintly, before his eyes slowly opened.
Avalina grinned at him as his face softened in recognition, before his eyes narrowed faintly in puzzlement.
"You fell asleep last night!" Avalina blurted happily as he straightened up. "Isn't it wonderful?"
The lich blinked a couple times, looking around, before returning his gaze to her, confusion faintly edging his features. "Sleep is impossible for me..."
"Not anymore! You were asleep when I woke up."
Seeing he still looked unconvinced, Avalina asked, "Do you remember seeing the sun come up this morning?"
The Horned King contemplated a moment. Trying to remember the events of last night, he realized he was indeed missing a small chunk of his memory and he had no recollection of seeing the sun rise nor the moon set.
Straightening so he no longer leaned against the tree, he seemed to be collecting his bearings for a moment, before turning back to Avalina.
"It...is not possible. ...Is it?"
"Well...why /isn't/ it possible?" Avalina asked after spending some moments in thought. "I mean...the impossible's started to become...rather less so recently, don't you think sir?"
The Horned King stared at her, contemplating, before nodding faintly. "It seems I have no choice but to believe. To ignore the facts would be...illogical. However I cannot deny this abrupt change in normalcy."
Avalina grinned, rocking back and forth excitedly on her knees. "You don't have to. I'm just so glad you can sleep now! How did it feel?"
The lich furrowed a brow ridge faintly in confusion. "When one sleeps, do they not realize how they feel until they awake, is that correct?"
"Yes, sorry," Avalina corrected herself. "How did it feel just before and right afterwards?"
The lich lapsed into thought, as if attempting to remember. "It resembled...what I imagine peace may be. But...that cannot be true."
"Why not?"
"I have told you before, child...there can be no rest for the wicked."
Avalina's eyes brightened and she hugged him. "But don't you see? If you can sleep, then that means you're not wicked anymore! Isn't it wonderful, Morvenius? Isn't it?"
The Horned King turned her words over in his head a minute. A vein of warmth worked through him at the sound of his new name as he slowly returned the girl's gesture without really realizing it.
'Can it be true?' he pondered. 'Dare I even contemplate such an occurrence? Yet, for all my skepticism...I cannot deny the certainty of this happening.'
"Yes," he finally dredged thoughtfully. "I suppose it is."
"We're going to have to have the Invisibles put a bed in your chambers now!" Avalina said happily, and the lich stiffened.
The Invisibles were already atrocious. Sleeping and allowing them to go unsupervised could not possibly end well. It did not even end well when they /were/ supervised.
"...I believe I would rather go sleepless with those...pests...lurking about."
Avalina laughed. "You don't trust them, do you?"
The lich gave her a skeptical stare. "Would you?"
"No, not really. But maybe if we asked them nicely not to do anything while you were asleep...do you think that might work?"
"No. But you are welcome to try."
Avalina laughed. "I'm just so happy for you! Surely being able to sleep's worth their pranks?"
The Horned King found himself smiling faintly in the face of her joy. "The answer to that will have to wait."
Avalina made as if to speak, before a soft rumble made itself known and she blushed fiercely.
The lich chuckled low in his throat, before furrowing his brow ridge. "When did you last eat?"
Avalina looked down. "Yesterday morning." Afraid he would reprimand her, she hurried on. "I just didn't think of it and I didn't want to go back early. You...I thought you needed this."
After a moment, her companion nodded in assent. "I understand. Regardless, it is time we returned now."
Avalina got to her feet and offered her hand, which the Horned King accepted to aid him in rising. Sensing her mild weakness as a result of food deprivation, he helped her equip Mitternacht before all but lifting her into the saddle and pulling himself up behind her. Behind them, the sun rose steadily into the sky, slim beams fluttering through the trees.
As they turned for the castle, Avalina asked, "Do you want to do a quick lap of the garden first?"
"Yes," the Horned King answered after a moment. "I would like that...very much."
Avalina grinned. "I was hoping you'd say that."
Mitternacht eagerly drew a deep breath as she turned him around and started him toward the back of the Horned King's lands behind the castle, which was surrounded by the lake on three sides.
"You've never ridden him any faster than a walk," Avalina said, turning her head to look up at her friend. "Do you want to go faster?"
The lich pondered a moment, his instant refusal at the tip of his tongue. He had ridden Mitternacht innumerable times...albeit invariably at a walk...and although he would never admit it aloud, he was rather wary of going any faster. He hadn't done so in...well, since he could remember. While the undead knew a potential fall could do him no real damage, a faint thread of humanity's instincts still within him loathed the unpleasant possibility of coming off a running horse. Particularly since he seemed to be a bit more sensitive to sensations as of late.
"It's like nothing you've ever felt," Avalina added, watching him hopefully.
The Horned King looked down at her, realizing he had been staring off into the garden, and tinkered with the idea of saying no. Despite whatever he may or may not have done on horseback within his unnatural lifetime, as he could not remember, he was still classified an amateur.
"If I fall off...do not laugh."
Avalina snickered. "No promises. But I won't let you fall off."
The Horned King gave a skeptic snort, finding the thought of this slip of a girl being able to best the laws of gravity ludicrous, but she was already talking.
"Now, a trot is the next fastest gait after a walk, and it's usually really bouncy. On a lot of horses it's rough, but Mitternacht isn't so bad as most."
"And, precisely how bad, is 'bad?'"
"You feel like your head's gonna snap off your neck."
"...Charming."
Avalina coughed to hide her laughter. "But on a smooth horse it feels like you're floating."
"...I see. And, which one of these is Mitternacht?"
"Uh...about middle class, I guess, but I haven't ridden any other horses before so I don't know for certain."
"Then how do you know the difference, pray tell?"
"Mitternacht's given me both types before."
"Hm...carry on."
"The third gait is a canter. It's typically smoother and faster than a trot. I've heard that some beginners prefer to skip the trot altogether and urge their horse to the third gait cause it's easier, but you'll pay for it later."
"How so?" the Horned King asked, intrigued.
"If you don't prepare yourself with the trot, when your horse gallops you'll probably fall off more. At least, that's what I hear."
"The gallop is rough, then?"
"No, it's actually the smoothest of all of them, I think...you really do feel like you're flying. It's just that it's so fast, people that aren't used to slower gaits to begin with usually can't handle it."
"So we trot today?"
"We do as much as you're comfortable with."
"Then...carry on. And may the Fates be merciful...supposing they know any such thing."
Avalina grinned and tapped Mitternacht's sides faintly with her free-swinging heels, the Horned King's boots firmly in the stirrups as he gripped the saddle horn on either side of her.
Mitternacht raised his head a little higher in his walk, an ear coming back in surprise to pay attention to his rider's signal. At any other time he would have obeyed instantly, but she had never asked him to trot with the undead aboard before and it had taken the horse slightly off-guard. Perhaps he had misread something...
There it was again, her heels tapping his ribs slightly, accompanied by a gentle murmur. She was saying to pick up the pace.
Mitternacht proudly tossed his mane and trotted.
The Horned King's grip on the saddle-horn turned his knuckles pale. Avalina had warned him, but there were some things warnings did little to help with.
The Horned King braced his arms and legs and anything else he could as the horse's springy, two-beat gait bounced him quickly back and forth, bumping him into Avalina each time he came forward and throwing him up and down in the saddle like a hapless puppet.
If he were mortal, it might well /have/ snapped his neck. How Avalina stood it he hadn't the faintest notion. It was almost worse than the Invisibles sending their trolleys down the stairs...minus the noise. Practically standing up in the stirrups, he realized this wasn't aimless jolting...the horse really was moving along with a rather steady beat. He could feel it now...one, two, one, two, one, two...
The movement brought something back...a memory surfaced, fleeting as dust...yet he caught it.
He was trotting down a well-beaten road, the horse's rough gait typical of any workhorse, and he bent his knees slightly, lifting himself from the saddle one moment, sitting on it the next, moving with the horse's body...
He blinked, the garden and his companions snapping smoothly back into place before his eyes. Almost unaware he was doing it...he bent his knees, before straightening them slightly as the horse's feet hit the ground. The rest of him relaxed.
Yes, this was correct. And Avalina noticed too, now that he wasn't hitting against her back with every step the horse made. He rocked back and forth slightly, going with the motion rather than against it.
Avalina said something he couldn't make out, and then Mitternacht's gait smoothed out a little more, the strides a bit longer and sweeping, more comfortable for the passengers.
"Are you ok back there?" she asked.
"It is fortunate I am not an utter skeleton," the Horned King grumbled in her ear, "Or you would be transporting me back to the castle in a wheelbarrow."
Avalina burst into cackles at this statement, her laughter nearly shaking her from the saddle, and the Horned King steadied her out of habit, whether she needed it or not.
The Horned King grumbled more at her reaction, although none of it ill-spirited, and after she recovered he realized something.
"You...cackled."
"Did I? I suppose the Invisibles might be rubbing off on me."
"...If they 'rub off' on you too much, child, be forewarned that I will be moving to the barn. You and the Invisibles can have the whole castle at your unlimited disposal. But I am keeping the Creeper. I will need someone to play fetch with."
Avalina laughed so earnestly he felt his mouth twitch up, before she tapped her heels against Mitternacht's sides and gave a clucking noise.
The lich braced himself as the horse took it up another notch, the two-beat gait instantly becoming a steady, three-beat rhythm that rocked quickly back and forth over the ground, the horse's body shifting more smoothly beneath him. It was an instant improvement over the trot and the Horned King could see why most people favored it.
Although there was no natural breeze, the speed of the horse made one that played with the Horned King's robe and brushed against his face. For a brief moment he closed his eyes.
This...this feeling, so foreign and yet, so beautiful and comforting, spoke to his soul like nothing else could. He felt a peace steal over him that was so strong it almost /hurt/. For a single, fleeting moment, the lich wondered for the first time in his life if there was such a place as Heaven, and if one could reach it by horseback. If a Hell existed...which he knew all too well that it did...a Heaven must exist as well, must it not?
Glorious minutes passed as Mitternacht took them over the meadow, the swishing grass beneath him muffling the distant rumble of thunder emitting from his hooves. Lifting his muzzle in the breeze to inhale the fresh, clean air, he breathed deeply, before blowing it out in a harsh, popping snort that echoed through the trees on either side of them, disrupting the morning stillness.
Avalina laughed joyously. "Ready for the best one?" she called back to the Horned King, who tightened his grip on the saddle in reply. She loosened the reins and tapped the horse's sides again, leaning over his neck slightly to murmur in his ear.
Mitternacht's strides lengthened. His body stretched out, seemingly narrowing as it did so. His breaths deepened and came out faster, harder. The lich felt the change in an instant as the animal steadily began to pick up speed.
The gallop was wildly dissimilar from the canter. How the two gaits could not only feel completely different physically but also carry such a differing field of emotion as well took the Horned King completely by surprise.
No three-beat gait this time. Now it was a swift, staccato four-beat rhythm that roared like a thunderstorm in his ears and sent his blood coursing through his veins at twice its naturally sluggish pace. The former breeze now became a strong wind that whistled past him and would have pulled his hood off, had his horns not kept it on. Almost without thinking he leaned forward slightly as Avalina had done, but not so much that her hair would get in his eyes.
Glancing down, he could make nothing out of the meadow but green and a few spots of colorful flowers, flashing by so quickly it blurred and could not be seen clearly.
Each "cycle" of four, rapid beats ended with a split-second of silence, during which no hooves touched the ground and they were propelled through the air by nothing but Mitternacht's momentum from his powerful hind legs. During these moments it truly felt like they were flying, before the hooves came down again as the horse struck out with his front legs, driving himself and his riders forward faster than any speed the lich could remember going in his life. The rest of the world seemed to fall away beneath Mitternacht's pounding feet.
He couldn't explain this symphony of emotions welling up inside him. All he knew was that it was indescribable, so overwhelming it nearly hurt to breathe. It was a wildfire, and then a peaceful night. A ferocious battle, and then a soothing calm. Raging, comforting, heart-wrenching and relieving, all at once.
It was like nothing he had ever felt.
Avalina had been right.
Mitternacht's gait became slightly rougher, his hooves sinking into the sand as he galloped down the small beach alongside the lake, the scent of water flooding the Horned King's nose. For a moment the lich stiffened in the saddle until he realized they weren't actually that close to the water at all...many yards separated them from the lake's edge.
At the back of his grounds, Avalina reined Mitternacht into a wide, arching turn, so smooth the Horned King could hardly feel the pull of it, before they galloped back toward the castle.
Avalina reined Mitternacht to a stop just outside the drawbridge, saying she had to cool the horse off before she brought him in. The Horned King sat in the saddle for some moments after they had stopped, still in a bit of a daze. The past little while had flown by him so fast...it resembled more a fleeting, wondrous vision in his head than an actual occurrence. But the torrent of sensations that flooded his heart, mind and body told him otherwise.
Slowly, he dismounted, albeit a bit unsteadily. He was not trembling, as Avalina had done after she had first ridden the gwythaint, but he felt...strange. The ground seemed to rock a bit underneath him and he gripped the saddle until the feeling passed, glancing over the horse.
Mitternacht's coat was damp with sweat. His ribs were heaving and his nostrils were flared, but the glossy eye that turned back to look at the Horned King was as commanding and docile as ever.
Glancing up at her, he saw she was grinning from ear to ear, eyes sparkling a bit more damply than usual.
"You felt it, didn't you?" she whispered breathlessly, and the lich could hear her heart hammering like he felt his would be, were he human.
For the first time, he realized exactly what she meant.
"Yes, child," he dredged softly, almost reverently. "I felt it."
Avalina's voice cracked with joy. "I'd prayed you would, si-...Morvenius."
The Horned King smiled faintly. "So...this is how it feels, to...ride a horse?"
Avalina nodded happily, before he stepped back.
"I will wait for you in the stables."
"I won't be long," the girl replied, before turning Mitternacht around.
The Horned King watched them seemingly float over the turf in an effortless canter, before they disappeared into the trees and he slowly walked back to the stables to wait, reflecting on the indescribable experience he had just been graced with.
Now he knew why Avalina treasured it so much.
He was so lost in his thoughts he didn't hear them until Avalina dismounted outside the stable door and led Mitternacht inside a few minutes later.
Together, they untacked and groomed down the horse, neither saying very much, but the lack of conversation wasn't awkward.
After finishing, they slowly crossed the courtyard and traversed the steps to the castle, the feeling of peace lingering over everything.
That is, until the Horned King pushed the door open and came inside.
"Welcome back, Hedge-Thicket!" the Invisibles chorused. "Hello, Avalina. Today, is a big, big day. In celebration of all that's transpired, we have elected you two to work in the kitchen together and make something epic!"
"...Pardon?" said Avalina, head reeling slightly from how fast they were talking. They kept going as if they hadn't even heard her.
"You two are going to bake!"
Avalina opened her mouth to protest slightly, but the Horned King beat her to it."
"No," he said flatly.
"Yes!" the Invisibles shot back. "Don't you want to remember this day forever?"
"Not in the way you envision."
"Oh come on, what's so hard about cooking? Toss some things in a bowl, put it over the fire and then take 'em off! It's easy!"
"I do nothing of the sort."
"You have no choice in the matter, we're afraid. It's been unanimously decided that you and Avalina will bake something sugary together today, and that is that. Unless you want to be netted to your chair again. That's four to one, and we win."
The Horned King stifled an irritated growl. "My decision overrides the votes of my servants."
"...Since /when/?" they asked rebelliously.
"..."
"...I have to admit," another answered dully, "They do have a point."
Avalina stared at the empty air, then gave the lich a questioning look, waiting for him to answer them.
"...Well, while you're figuring it out, you can start, at least," they chirped happily.
"No."
There was a rustle of canvas.
"Here is a picture of a pink fluffy unicorn dancing on a rainbow firing glitter from its eyes being ridden by a kitchen-cannon-wielding doodling Yankee. Your argument has never been this invalid. Ever."
Despite himself, the Horned King stared at the painting for some time with Avalina, arrested entirely against his will by the insane, abstract combination of items on the canvas and colors within it, before glaring at the air before him."
"Does the concept of 'no' have any meaning for you?"
"It's a good challenge to work around. Avalina, be a dear and tell the reindeer with two green thumbs to assist you in the kitchen. And don't forget to say please, it's the socially polite thing to do. We would set an example for you, but we don't even consider ourselves part of society."
Flushing, Avalina glanced at the air, then at the Horned King, who's face held an odd combination of subtle amusement, irritation and halfway looking like he wanted her to say no.
"It.../might/ be fun," she managed slowly, to which the Horned King stared dramatically into the middle distance for several silent, tense seconds.
"If that is to be the case," he finally grumbled, "The goblin is to also be present. I will need someone to vent upon should the task prove decidedly more unsavory than grimly anticipated."
"Yes SIR!" the Invisibles shouted, suddenly seeming very happy with obeying orders. "We will fetch him at once!" And in a whirlwind they were gone.
An instant later the Horned King was gently pulling Avalina down the hall rather quickly. "Come," he rumbled.
"But the kitchen's the other way, isn't it?"
"Exactly."
"We somehow get the feeling you have backed out on us, Horace," said the Invisibles solemnly as they surveyed the situation. "This betrayal has cut us to the core, it has."
"That," the Horned King said smoothly from the top of the stairs leading to his chamber, and not without triumph lacing his voice, "Is your own problem. I hereby claim sanctuary and you are henceforth forbidden inside these walls. You will bring Avalina's breakfast up and then depart."
"Yes, your Hedginess," one of the Invisibles sniffed, before a tray appeared on the top step. "May I ask how long this will last?"
"Until you understand that I do not cook," he growled, motioning for Creeper to take the tray inside.
"Of course not, sire," the Invisible said conversationally. "Wouldn't dream of it. Liches don't cook at all...they merely garden."
The Horned King shut the door in their faces (assuming they even had faces) and turned to Avalina, who was eating her first meal in well over a day. "You are free to go whenever you like, but I shall remain in here."
"You can't be serious," Avalina said in amazement around a mouthful. "They'll carry this out for weeks if you allow them to."
"They will get bored quickly. They are easily distracted creatures."
The happy, clanging notes of Yankee Doodle Dandy made themselves known, muffled though they were by the stone and wood separating them.
"IIIIIII'm a Yankee Doodle Daaaandy..."
"...I have my doubts," Creeper muttered under his breath. "They haven't gotten bored of that ridiculous tune yet, and it's been /months/!" He gripped his head. "They're gonna drive me crazy!"
"Are you sure you're not already?" Avalina teased, to which Creeper shot her a glare.
"What?" she asked innocently. "I heard you humming that under your breath the other day while you were taking care of the gwythaints!"
Creeper froze.
"I didn't!" he rasped in a panic. "I wasn't! I couldn't have!"
"I heard you too," the Horned King rumbled. "I believe it was last week while walking down the hall."
"N-no sire, you couldn't have," Creeper almost pleaded. Glancing from one to the other, he was unable to determine by their faces whether they were telling the truth (Fates forbid!) or merely playing with his mind. In a last-ditch effort he pleaded, "Don't affiliate me with those idiots!"
"Why not?"
Avalina's look at the Horned King was comprised of both indignation and surprise...the former that he would condone the use of such a word to describe them, the latter that he had just asked a question more characteristic of a rebellious adolescent to a parent than an undead who was older than several countries.
"They're not idiots," Avalina said. "Just...special."
"..."
"A real live version of my Uncle Sam, born on the fourth of July-HIIIIIII..."
The lich gave her a wooden look.
"Very."
They listened for a moment to the cacophonous pandemonium outside the door.
"I ride a fluffy unicorn
That's rather pink and cuddly
My minion army's quite a stand
Of pickles and dust bunnies!"
"I don't think they're going to quit anytime soon," Creeper muttered, earning a glare from the Horned King.
"Do not be pessimistic in my presence, goblin. They will stop...eventually."
"..."
"..."
"This song has no real end
It'll go on for a century
Because our rhymes are infinite
And get stuck in heads quite easily!"
Avalina and Creeper's skeptical looks at each other and then at the lich did nothing to endear either of them to him at this moment. He knew he was warring a losing battle, but rarely had he had a failure in his almost nonexistent list of losses that was so terribly bitter to swallow.
Ten minutes passed.
The racket outside the door, if anything, got louder.
Creeper had pulled his cap down and was all but twisting his ears in a futile attempt to keep out the noise.
Avalina was doing a commendable job of keeping a straight face, but the Horned King could have sworn he saw her tapping her finger to the beat out of the corner of his eye until he glanced in her direction and the movement, be it imaginary or reality, ceased.
The clashing cymbals, loud as they were, did nothing to drown out the lyrics. Then kept going...and going...and going...
The word, when it finally came, was very nearly a snarl.
"...Fine."
"Excellent! Now that you've finally decided to cooperate, here is everything you'll need! Including a recipe we picked for its simplicity and popularity. Have fun!"
And with that, the Invisibles whisked out of the kitchen, leaving within it a surprised Avalina, a befuddled Creeper, and a lich who looked somewhat peeved.
Together, the trio eyed the various items on the large wooden table in the center of the room a bit dubiously, each making their own assessment of the situation they had been put in. The Horned King broodingly decided that Creeper could do all the hot, dangerous parts where getting burned were involved, Avalina could do the rest, and he...would supervise.
After a few moments, Avalina became aware of two pairs of eyes staring at her, and she turned to them questioningly "...What?"
"Well?" Creeper rasped, eyes looking a bit wider than usual.
"Well what?"
"G-get busy!" Creeper spluttered.
Avalina glanced at the Horned King, who was looking at her with an expression that would have been something akin to the goblin's had he not been a bit undead. But it was the same message being passed.
"What do we we do?" Creeper asked, waving his arms.
"I don't know," Avalina admitted. "Why are you asking me?"
"..."
"...Maybe cause you're supposed to know how to cook?" Creeper asked a bit brusquely. "You're a...girl, after all."
"Of course I know how!" Avalina answered, faintly indignant. "I just...we...rarely ever had money for anything other than the essentials, so...I've never cooked any pastries or confections or anything like that. I hardly have any idea what to do myself."
"I suppose, given the circumstances, we will learn together," the Horned King replied. "Providing we do not die in the attempt."
"Oh, it's just a few ingredients for a simple recipe," Avalina giggled. "How bad could it be?"
"I will never allow that goblin to stir again." The Horned King's voice had an undertone of a growl in it. "His rotational movements are abominable."
"At least he didn't break the bowl," Avalina said, trying to think of something positive to say as she surveyed the kitchen. It was hardly recognizable from ten minutes ago. Splatters of what they were supposed to be working on generously covered every available surface, including themselves. She sneaked a glance at the lich out of the corner of her eye and suppressed a snicker with supreme effort. He looked worse than the tabletop and that was something to be said. He really shouldn't have stood so close...
"He may as well have thrown it," the lich grumbled under his breath.
"Now what?" Creeper asked, gripping the spoon in one hand and the edge of the now mostly-empty piece of crockery with the other.
"I...don't think this is right," Avalina said dubiously, poking her own spoon at the goop in the mixing bowl that looked more akin to something one might find at the bottom of a moat than anything remotely edible. "Are you certain we were supposed to add that much water?"
"Of course I'm sure!" Creeper said indignantly. At his insistence he had been the sole one to read the recipe, and Avalina had allowed him that, as his reading skills were still in the making. He waved the piece of parchment the recipe in question was penned upon. "It says right here, twelve cups of the stuff."
"Perhaps it will take more shape over the fire?" the lich suggested, although he kept his private doubts on the matter to himself for the moment.
"Maybe," Avalina said, but she was not convinced. "We can try it, I suppose."
What little of the batter that was /not/ spattered all over the kitchen should have, at the very most, made three or four small cakes, but all it created was a sizzling puddle in the center of the tray positioned over the fire that refused to take any sort of shape other than that of a murky swamp. After a few minutes it cooked dry before it was done and started smoking. By the time Avalina had scraped the charred, limp remains into another bowl it looked even less like the desired end result than it had before it had been baked.
Creeper examined it critically. "Is it supposed to look that black and soupy?"
"I feel like we're missing something," Avalina remarked. "Creeper, where's the recipe?"
Creeper held it away from her as she reached for it. "I've already told you what it said!"
"Relinquish the parchment," the Horned King growled warningly, and Creeper shrank away, immediately handing it over.
Avalina read it as well as she could around the batter blobs, carefully wiping them away as best she could with the first cloth that came under her hand. "Sugar, butter, water..." she read the measurements. "Um...Creeper? Is this what you said was twelve cups?" She glanced over at him. The goblin wore a most sullen expression. At least, more sullen than usual. He also seemed a bit...different than normal, although the reason for why escaped her. "...What?"
"I'd like my cap back," he grumbled, and Avalina glanced down at the cloth she'd used to clean the parchment with. "...Oh. Sorry." She handed it back. No wonder he'd looked shorter...
"You always use people's caps for rags?" Creeper groused, glaring at his cap and then at her.
"No," Avalina defended herself, "But when they already look like they were used to mop the floor, well..."
"What does the recipe say?" the Horned King asked, looking down over the girl's shoulder at it. Avalina held it out for him to read.
"It says half a cup of water is required, not twelve," he ground out, glaring over at the goblin. "Where, pray tell, did you get the idea for twelve?"
"He's never read numbers before," Avalina realized. "He's not used to seeing the half-sign on measurements." Turning to Creeper, she asked, "Was that it?"
Creeper muttered his affirmative.
"Well, at least we know what happened," she said, glancing at the Horned King. "Shall we try this again?"
After getting a fresh bowl and spoon, Avalina read the recipe and successfully managed to mix most of the ingredients together, the goblin and lich king handing her what she asked for. It was a working system for about ten minutes, until Creeper insisted on being allowed to pour the flour. Against the lich's better judgment, he gave his consent.
Running across the table with the open bag of flour almost three times his size, the goblin tripped over one of the many cooking utensils and went flying off the piece of furniture, taking out the mixing bowl and a bystanding measuring cup on the way down. The bag of flour went airborne.
The Horned King and Avalina both frantically jumped for the bowl in an attempt to snatch it out of midair and salvage its contents. Considering his lightning-fast reflexes, the Horned King probably would have managed it, but as it was, fate was not currently in his favor. The moment he had somewhat of a grip on the bowl, he slipped on a small spot of egg on the floor that had been somehow overlooked and went sailing. His flailing boots kicked the measuring cup (which was still in midair) across the room like a tiny missile. It made an appropriately theatrical "K-TING!" as it hit the stone wall of the kitchen with the speed of an arrow and ricocheted back the way it came. Creeper, pulling his face out of the stones, only saw a shadow fall over him and a sense of impending doom course through his body before the Horned King crashed to the floor and landed on the goblin, promptly flattening him.
As the Horned King lost his grip on the bowl, it tilted in midair, throwing some of its contents on the lich as it sailed from his fingers and continued on its merry way. Avalina took this opportunity and snatched it to her, the immense weight sending her staggering, batter slopping onto her apron.
The bag of flour crashed to the floor and burst, spewing geysers of white powder in all directions and instantly obscuring almost all visibility.
Fighting for balance and unable to see, Avalina accidentally planted her foot squarely in the batter that the Horned King had just spilled and slipped also. The ricocheting measuring cup whistled past her ear as she went down, testimony to how hard the Horned King had punted it. Avalina lost her hold on the mixing bowl and watched helplessly through the flour-clouds as it rolled dismally across the floor, leaving a generous trail of its contents behind it.
The measuring cup whinged across the room and struck the hearth, clattering dramatically to the floor as its voyage finally ceased. Its horribly dented body glinted defiantly in the firelight, like a battleship going down in flames.
All of the above happened in a rough span of five to six seconds.
The Horned King had seen the flour spread across the room and instantly knew they were in trouble. His claws scraped the floor as he leapt up with the speed of a snake. Pulling Avalina to her feet, he yanked up the goblin too as an afterthought and ducked into the large pantry, the door of which had been thankfully left open. He didn't have time to close it.
The explosion thundered through the kitchen, throwing pots and pans off their shelves and vibrating through the heavy stone. Avalina covered her ringing ears and huddled against the Horned King, having no idea what had just transpired but instinctively knowing she had come very close to being severely injured. She felt the immense heat as the flames crackled and roared mightily for several seconds, before dying down.
Smoke filled the kitchen, making the companions in the pantry cough heavily and cover their faces. The Horned King practically carried Avalina and Creeper across the room in his haste to escape. The three cooks tumbled out into the hall, gasping and coughing, the lich slamming the door shut behind them.
"What was...what was /that/?" Avalina gasped between her coughs. "Morvenius..."
"Don't talk yet," the Horned King told her, his voice sounding slightly raspier than normal as he stifled a mild cough himself. "Breathe. Clear the smoke from your lungs."
"Your stole," she coughed, pointing. "It's on fire."
The Horned King glanced around. His stole was smoking, tiny, growing flames glimmering in three or four places. He hastily smacked them out.
Loud, cackling laughter echoed around the walls, helpless and wild.
"Bahahahahahaha!" the Invisibles howled. If they could actually be seen, one might expect them to be leaning on one another for support, beating their knees in mirth. "That was the /funniest/ thing we've seen in centuries! At least, that we didn't do ourselves. Oh, /Fates/...for the first time ever, we /weren't/ the ones setting your stole on fire! /You/ did! Bahahaha! We're rubbin' off on ya, Spiky, whether you wanna admit it or not, you little adorable pyromaniac, you!"
A separate voice from the rest shouted, "GIMME A HUG, YOU OVERGROWN SPRUCE, YOU!" The same instant the Horned King felt a firm pressure around his middle and felt his feet almost leave the floor. "YOU'RE THE BEST EVERGREEN WE'VE EVER MET!"
"Or is it Bruce?" another Invisible asked. "Bruce the Spruce...heh. That's got a wonderful ring to it..."
"Release me!" the lich snarled viciously at the presence, clawing at the air around his waist.
"Ok!" the Invisible chirped cheerfully, instantly dropping him. The Horned King stumbled back against the wall as the Invisible went through the motions of thoroughly dusting him off.
"Well, actually he resembles more of a prickly pear cactus," another of the Invisibles mused.
The Horned King swiftly yanked his flapping robes away from the invisible dusters, snarling his displeasure.
"...Bruce the Prickly Pear Cactus doesn't exactly...have that dramatic effect we're striving for," one said doubtfully. "Bruce the Spruce is much better, don't you think, Avalina?"
Avalina was alternately laughing and coughing almost too hard to speak, but she managed out a feeble affirmative.
"Brilliant!" the Invisibles chorused. "From this day forward, your new nickname shall be Bruce the Saxicolous Spruce!"
"...What in the heck is that?" one of them asked irritably.
"DO NOT QUESTION US!" the others shouted. "IT IS IMPECCABLE!"
"Do you even know the meaning of that word...?"
"YES!"
"YES!"
"Perhaps you should elaborate," another voice suggested. "It may be not all of us are privy to such information."
"Well," said the Invisibles who seemed the most manic of the group, putting on the most professional tone they could, "Saxicolous is an adjective, 'Saxum' meaning 'rock' and 'colous' meaning 'living or growing in or on.' In short, something living in, on, or among rocks. And that something," they said, swishing a breeze in the Horned King's direction, "Is you."
"...Him?" The Invisible's tone perfectly captured the Horned King's expression.
"Yes, him," said another conversationally.
"...I...don't think I follow."
"Isn't it painfully obvious, Dusty?" one of them sighed. "This castle is made of stone. Green-Thumbs over there lives /in/ this stone castle. He's around stones all the time. Therefore, he is the best example of a Saxicolous shrub we've ever seen...recently."
"..."
"...You don't get it? It's ok, sometimes the revelation takes awhile."
"...You're comparing him to a tree."
"Yeah. So?"
"We've compared him to worse, you know."
"I know," the other growled. "I wish you wouldn't."
"We do what we want."
"Hey, wanna hear a joke?" one cackled.
"Sure!" the others exclaimed. "What is it?"
"Ok, ok...what did the tree wear to the swimming party?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Swimming trunks!"
"Bahahahahaha!"
"Bahahahahaha!"
The Invisibles' continued their conversation, seemingly having forgotten anyone else was there, until the Horned King snarled for silence.
"What do you want, you snarling, sprucey evergreen?" some of them said in unison.
The Horned King ignored them, instead taking advantage of the momentary lapse in their mindless prattle to speak to Avalina without raising his voice. "Are you alright?"
"Yes," Avalina rasped, accepting his hand up. "What /was/ that?"
"That," said the lich, "Was an explosion."
"I know /that/," Avalina grinned, giving him a light push. "Anyone who lives around the Invisibles know what an explosion is, (here the Invisibles gave whoops of triumph) but what /caused/ it?"
"Densely concentrated flour particles suspended in the air," the Horned King replied. "Particularly in enclosed areas...such as the kitchen."
Avalina's eyes grew wide. "Flour explodes?" she asked in amazement. "I've lived around it my whole life and never knew..."
"It can only do so under certain conditions," the lich explained. "...Such as the one we narrowly avoided." He glared at the blackish, smoking goblin, who immediately cowered. "You could have killed her!" he growled angrily.
"I'm s-sorry M-master!" the Creeper whimpered. "I didn't know! I didn't mean to!"
"Do it again, and you won't live to regret it," the Horned King snarled, before turning on the Invisibles. "Why didn't you do something?"
"Sheesh, Bruce, who are /we/ to interfere with cooking?" one asked.
"Yeah, we thought you were doing quite hilariously on your own," another snickered.
"Besides, we would've held off the flames just in case you didn't make it to the pantry in time," a third spoke up, before continuing dreamily, "But an explosion was simply too perfect /not/ to happen..."
"A perfect ending to a perfect day!"
"Whoo! We're gonna remember this daaaaay, foreverrrr..."
"It shall be burned into our memories!"
"Bahaha! Like the Stole on Fire!"
The Invisibles broke off into another cackling fit without a care in the world, talking amongst themselves as the Horned King pulled the kitchen door open, smoke billowing out as he did so. He, the girl and the goblin all looked in, the thick haze of smoke almost impossible to see through.
The floor was black. The walls were black. The ceiling was black. The furniture was black. The pots and pans (which had already been black prior to the mishap) littered the floor, rather reminiscent of the occasion the Kitchen Cannon 3000 had gone off above the entrance room. The smoke was making his companions' eyes water and the Horned King shut the door again.
"You," he growled at the Invisibles, "Will clean this up."
"What?!"
"Oh come on, /you/ made it!"
"Can't you clean up your own mess for once?"
"It'll help you remember this day better!"
The lich did not bother replying, instead grumbling to Avalina, "The things I do for you, child...I am never cooking again."
Avalina grinned. "Sure, sure...I /did/ learn something new today though!"
"What is that?"
"How to combust something just like the Invisibles!"
"...'Just like the Invisibles?' A hazardous semblance, I think, and not something I would wish you to be compared to."
"They were bound to rub off on me sooner or later, you know," she grinned. "I wonder what we could blow up next..."
"There will be no 'we' about it," the Horned King grumbled. "If you insist on detonating anything in the future, my dear, I only hope it is the Pigkeeper's house." After a moment, he added with a satisfied feral smile, "And that I am there to see it."
Avalina laughed. "You just want to see if he'll be able to keep his pants on."
"..." After a moment, the lich chuckled darkly.
"That too."
I have NOT abandoned this story. =) I appreciate all my readers, and thank you for sticking with me. Thank you also for the reminders to keep writing, it lets me know I've not been forgotten. XD I'll try to get back in the swing of things soon. Hope you enjoy this chapter!