So I'm not going to lie, I've felt pretty down lately for the lack of interest I've found towards my writing, but the response to my latest chapter made my heart grow three sizes. I really am so so grateful and it's amazing to hear your support. I hold onto that for dear life. Thank you.
G-
December 23rd, five years ago:
Donna manages to get home sooner than expected, despite the thick layer of snow covering the entire city and therefore the slowdown of the cab ride.
Somebody would have found strange going Christmas shopping right on the twenty-third of December, but being a new mom certainly doesn't give you much leisure. She has longed for her well deserved annual excursion to Macy's, also craving for some time away from the tiny human that sucks away all of her energies and milk whatsoever.
But keeping Penelope out of her mind was definitely harder than she thought. When she was about to pay for her latest purchase, the baby on the line right behind her started crying, and soon she was leaking all over her sweater. Her body didn't care it was another child screaming, it was ready to nurture an infant in need. Images of her sweet baby girl started floating in her head and she realized she had to get out soon and get occupied with something else. Otherwise she would have returned home to her daughter and then regretted having had a chance to get out and having missed it. So she bought herself a new sweater as a reward for her strength and as a change for her already soaked top.
Rachel had asked her if she wanted to have company, but she politely refused, needing to have some time only for herself. She wanted to hear just the sound of her voice and the jingles around the streets. And thinking that she doesn't even like jingles. She figures it's just better than hearing a constant wail. How is it possible that such a small person can yell so loud, she'll never understand.
At half past seven, with several big red and green colored bags hanging on both arms, Donna manages to turn the key in the lock and open the door with a bump of her shoulder. She lets the packed gifts fall at her feet, weary with carrying them around. She closes the door behind her and moves aside a strand of red hair that has been stuck to her lipgloss, securing it behind her ear. She tosses the boxes in the corner and makes her way down the corridor.
As she walks nearer the living room, her ears are grazed with soft music, though she can't quite pinpoint what song it is. She finally gets to the illuminated room and can't believe her own eyes. She stays rooted by the door jamb, mouth agape, scanning the surroundings.
There's a big Christmas tree right in front of the entrance of the kitchen, little balls decorated with patterns of white and blue hanging on the branches. Soft lights adorn the walls, along with wreaths, lanterns and red ribbons. The air is filled with warmth and she swears she can feel the typical smell of the holidays. There's that mood she hasn't felt since she was a little girl, that sense of love, comfort and peace of mind that can't help but put you at ease.
But nothing else compares with the scene she's witnessing to. Harvey's standing in the middle of the room with Penelope in arms, keeping her in place with his right hand hooked under her little legs, and offering his index with the left one, which she eagerly accepts and holds. They sway at the rhythm of Let It Snow, almost if waltzing; Penelope's head bouncing up and down as Harvey rocks her back and forth, her socked feet kicking in the air. Harvey sings along with Michael Bublé (has Harvey ever even sang before?) and does stupid faces to make the baby laugh. Both of their faces wear proudly twin smiles, the creases present in the corner of both their eyes, and Donna can't help but notice the similarities between them. Hopefully she's not just making it up to convince herself of something it's not. Right now she doesn't care, she's more than happy just watching father and daughter dancing together.
She stares at the warming sight that deploys under her eyes, admiring the beauty of the two most important people in her life, when they suddenly acknowledge her.
"Look, mommy's back!" Harvey says turning fully to look at her. He points a finger at her to encourage Penelope to do the same. Once she does, she burst into giggles and starts waving her little arms, in search of Donna's hold.
She feels loved, and wanted, and special, and that's the best sensation in the world. She really has more. No, scratch that. She really has it all. She closes the distance between her and her husband, joining the picture and extending her own arms to take the baby, clasping and unclasping her fists while doing so.
"There you go. Hi sweetheart I've missed you so much." Donna coos, planting a kiss on the soft top of Penelope's head. For a newborn, she's already got her head full of orange-y hair and that's something her mother has always been incredibly proud of. As a matter of fact, she's been more excited to find out if her child would have been a redhead or not, than to find out if it was a boy or a girl. When the nurse first placed the baby in her arms, she immediately lifted the beanie Penelope was wearing to get a peek and check the hair color. Donna recognizes her signature in it. And Harvey doesn't mind either. You can never have too many redheads, he once said.
"Harvey," She calls him with that tone he loves so much. "What's all this?" She asks, gesturing with her head at the decorations that fill the whole room.
"This," He places an innocent kiss on her lips. "Is our first Christmas together, as a family." He replies with a wide grin that just can't get off his face.
"Ohh, and you wanted it to be special." She fakes her best puppy eyes, while biting her lip to prevent a chuckle escaping from her.
"Yes, make fun of me as much as you want, I know you love it too. And I know she won't remember any of this, but we're going to take thousands of pictures and show them to her when she'll be a teenager crying in her room, saying her parents have never done anything for her." He adds rolling his eyes, adding a hint of drama.
He has already pictured all of their future together. It gives a warming sense of stability, certainty and safeness. If someone had told just a few months before that Harvey Specter would have turned from the Grinch into Santa Claus for the sake of his daughter and actually enjoyed all the christmas traditions he'd always hated, no one would have believed it.
The festivities make him think about his childhood, when his house was a place filled with love and unity, rather than infidelity and angst. The memory always bought him to distance himself from anything that could connect him with his past, too painful to remember. But now he can create new, happy memories with his own family. And there's no one he'd rather do this with than Donna.
"But how did you manage to get this whole thing done in less than four hours?" She wonders in disbelief, the baby in her arms starts to get fussy for stopping her little dance.
"I had a very valuable and useful assistant." Harvey refers to Penelope, his Cheshire Cat smile growing wider.
She throws him that one look he knows too well. The one that says: I'm Donna, you can't fool me; head tilted to the side and eyebrows raised.
"Rachel, Mike and Louis might have come over to help." He admits defeated. "Surprise!" He claps his hands together.
She smiles at his childishness, and believes that it really can't get any better than this.
Donna kisses him fully, bringing her hand to his cheek and sandwiching Penelope between the two of them.
"Merry Christmas, Harvey. I love you." She whispers against his lips.
"Merry Christmas, Donna." He does the same. "I love you more."
.
.
"You guys, I'm home!" Donna shouts from the bottom of the strangely warm hallway. She supposes Harvey has finally called the plumber to fix the radiator.
She hangs her coat at the entrance and her ears are met by an engaging tune coming from what she supposes to be the kitchen. She wonders what her other two roommates can possibly do there, since they've already settled for going out to dinner.
Her body proceeds with small strides, drawn to the music, till she reaches the threshold of the room. The counter is a mess, dirty bowls, whips and spoons, a stripe of pastry trails a pattern from the surface to the glass of the oven. The smell suggests they've been making cookies - with coconut to be exact. Something familiar tingles in her and it's like a déjà vu: suddenly, she's back to five years before, when she came home to find Harvey and Penelope dancing together.
The song is the same one, the house is the same one and the feeling of peace and gratefulness is nothing less.
Except this time Penelope's not a baby anymore and she can stand up on herself. Actually, she's hopped on Harvey's feet, letting his big stature guide her moves; she follows his lead, with blind trust, total safeness, total ease. Obviously, it doesn't apply only in this particular case. She surrenders to him completely because she knows that he doesn't let her down, and that wherever he drives her, it's the best she can get.
For someone that has always claimed loyalty is a two way street, Harvey has surely as hell been lucky in having a daughter that hangs from his lips. Yet, not without cause, but because he's earned it. Earned being the one she goes to when she has a question, when she has problem or when she simply feels like it.
But having such a significant role requires a patience and a sensibility that he has acquired over time. His slightly greyer hair the visible proof. During these past few years he has had to learn how to be responsible for his and another human's life, while being a good partner and supporting Donna. As someone who insisted on not being the one you go to when you need a hug or husband material, he has surely provided a top notch example. And he taught just as much as he learned, Penelope being the instrument to make him grow and raise herself.
Oh the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
Since we've no place to go
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
Donna's eyes water when she thinks about how far they've come.
Before, they pretended and run away from what they could have at the thought of losing one another, but not recognizing that, they eventually were. Before, they parted ways, but wanted to be the one to go home to. Before, when the other needed comfort, they ached to be that person that was allowed to care and to be there in that way. Before, when they unsure of what the future held for them, they just wanted to be included in each other's life project, and not just regarding the firm. Before, they swallowed with heavy heart the sad awareness of knowing where their boundaries were and where their roles in each other's lives and liberty ended. In a nutshell, they needed to be that more they wanted but didn't dare to accept.
Now, she gets to witness to them aging together, collecting losses and wins, but knowing that they will be always coming home together. After all, what the song says is true. She's got no other place to go, because what makes the house a home it's them. She doesn't take for granted what she has, and sometimes still finds it incredible that she's finally put a ring on it. She, Donna Paulsen, lives a mundane - yet incredible - life with Harvey Specter. She doesn't just see him at work, powerful in his element, but also vulnerable, when everybody's gone and he can put off his armor. She gets to see him shave and cook and choose the film they're going to watch, and this alone makes her appreciate how satisfactory can be sharing everyday with the love of your life.
"Mama!" The child's eyes lit up when she notices the woman standing there, watching them. Then, her face falls, "Why are you crying? Are you sad?"
Donna's snapped back to reality when her little red head - ever her mother's daughter - questions the few tears that are straining her cheeks. She's quick to brush them away, "No baby, I'm not sad. These are very happy tears. It just makes me emotional looking at my wonderful family." And she'll be damned if Stephen Huntley will be the one to jeopardize their serenity.
"Come dance with us!" Harvey invites her with a gesture of his hand, making room for all of them in the little bubble that it's been created.
"You guys realize that it's not quite Christmas time yet, right?" She giggles as she takes his hand and Harvey swirls her around.
"It's always time for Michael Bublé." He says, crushing her against him, her palms splayed across his clothed chest. Donna knows what her husband's doing. He's trying to spend as much time as he can with Penelope, carving every sensation, every word in his mind. He doesn't want to waste another second to create good memories and try to secure them in his head, in case something went wrong.
"And for having cookies as dinner, it seems." She narrows her eyes, using humor as the weapon to cover her fluster.
"Of course!" Penelope's head shoots from between her parents' legs, looking up at them, wanting to be part of the conversation.
It often happens, her parents whispering things or throwing understandings glances to one another. Sometimes, it also happens that they communicate without words. It upsets the kid, who feels like they have their little secrets or their special club, talking about their private stuff and not including her.
Her parents obviously noticed that, but decided against explaining to her that it's just their way of relating with each other, letting her understand that herself with time, and just enjoying being the object of her attention and jealousness. It's sweet.
"You are not allowed to have a say in this. You're too biased!" Donna reminds her with sarcasm filling her tone.
"But, but daddy said I behaved so well, that this could," Her mouth slams a couple of times before formulating the rest of the long sentence. "Could be seen a one of my early gifts." Penelope has begun to speak pretty early on, using a rather large amount of words and being able to express herself well enough. Harvey tracks it down to Donna's tilt to voice her feelings and what she claims; Donna, on the other hand, tracks it down to Harvey's constant need of stating the facts and righteousness. After all, they don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that the child has been raised from such strong characters.
"Isn't that right, daddy?" She asks, looking up at him with those expectant hazel eyes. She may be five, but she knows how to play her cards well. Her father can't say no to those eyes.
"Yeah, is that right, daddy?" Donna throws back at him mockingly, tilting her head and raising her brows.
"Daddy says we can make an exception for tonight." He welcomes the challenge, knowing well that Donna is eventually going to kill him for over-sugar excitement they'll have to face later. Or most likely, she's going to delegate to him the apparently impossible mission of putting Penelope to sleep.
Donna had seen this coming a mile away. When it's them against her, her chances to win are close to zero. She doesn't mind though, because she sees it as the way her daughter ponders and decides who is the easiest one to cave, recognizing her mother as the most stern, and subsequently siding with Harvey.
"Fine," She pretends to be defeated. "Let's get this party started!" She cheers, while supporting herself with a hand on Harvey's shoulder to cautiously step out of her heels. He loves this kind of Donna, the one who tosses her Jimmy Choo aside and sets her wild locks free to have a careless dance with her daughter. It gives him a boost of energy.
Once the song ends, the shuffle of the Spotify's playlist replaces it with a new track. Donna scoops Penelope up and starts swaying, soon finding a good rhythm. Just as Harvey's about to join them and loosen up with his dance moves, a familiar ringtone matches the notes that are currently playing from the computer.
Harvey throws Donna an apologetic look, at which she just shrugs and encourages him to answer the incoming call. Too caught up in the moment, she shifts her attention to the toddler in her arms again, while Harvey hits the green button on his screen.
"Alex, what is it?" Harvey says, bringing the phone to one ear and plugging the other with his index, in order to hear better.
"Harvey, I'm sorry to bother you, but do you have a minute?" The man asks on the other end of the line. His tone placid and steady, lacking of worry or rush. He takes it as a good sign. But still, why would he call at this time?
"Of course, I'm all ears." He notifies, walking away from the chaos of the kitchen, in need of some privacy. "Did something happen?" He can't help but wonder, the knowledge of him handling the case against Stephen now letting a couple of suspects rise to the surface. Maybe that's the topic of the conversation.
"Yes, but something good. We did it. The whole lawsuit is over." He announces with a hint of proudness marking his words.
Harvey lets out a sigh of relief, thanking god for being surrounded by trustworthy people, because - even the best closer in New York City - needs a little help from time to time.
"How did you do it?" He questions happily, reaching his home office and turning the light on.
"You don't need to stress with the details; You and I - because we both know you'll have something to criticize concerning my strategy." Alex chuckles. "I'll just say, I thought W.W.H.D. ?"
Harvey grins at the mention, "Did Mike taught you that shit?"
"He certainly did."
"So you closed him? Specter treatment?" He takes a sit on his recliner, propping his feet on the desk.
"It was like you were there." He states, knowing to be making his friend happy.
"Thank you, Alex. I owe you one." He's sincerely grateful for him lightening his load of at least one thing.
"Nonsense. But if you're really thankful, do me a favor and please try to not bump into Stephen tomorrow morning, he's coming down to the firm to sign the settlement." The other lawyer pleads, knowing that they have history.
The thought of that snake setting a foot in his offices one more time makes him sick, but he has to swallow it for the greater good one last time.
"I can't promise anything, but I'll try." He concedes, running a hand through his sandy blonde hair.
"That's all I'm asking."
.
.
The next morning, Pearson Specter Litt lobby:
A generous hook lands right on Stephen's jaw, slamming him against the wall. Harvey's fist travels with such speed, he feels the air grazing his knuckles. It feels damn good to be pummeling that son of a bitch again. He hears voices, even feels hands, trying to push him away from his foe, but he's blinded by rage. Truth is, he doesn't want to stop, but frankly, he probably couldn't if he wanted to. The tension built up during all these weeks finds its culmination in the mad aggressiveness towards Stephen, who is basically turned into a punchball.
Harvey pulls him up by the already blood strained collar to just knock him to the ground shortly after. Not even the grunts and groans the man under him emits can deconcentrate him from placing a few hard kicks. Pure, deranged, irrational and frantic tantrum takes over, red engulfing his ability of thinking straight.
He could address his fury to what Stephen last said of Donna, but deep down he knows that it's helpless desperation. His whole world could have just changed.
It takes exactly two men to finally lift him from Stephen. He resists, but eventually has to give in. In the spur of the moment, while his eyes wander around the room, his gaze locks with Donna, who is standing in a corner, petrified. Never - in all the years she known him - she had seen such a violence. It scares her a little bit. Harvey's vision might be clouded, but he sees it clear as the blue sky: disappointment.
"Harvey, that's enough! Are you insane?" Mike shouts at him. And he is. Because he may have found out that Penelope isn't his after all. And he had really tried to not get his hopes up, but, at the end, he ended in believing that he could be her biological dad. And the sore reality of what may be the truth is one thing, but that ass ogling in front of his face is another.
Maybe he should have stayed away from Stephen as Alex had suggested him to.
I know that you'll probably hate me but I wanted to update so badly I'm going to leave you with this cliffhanger. Don't worry, the last part is just a few lines of the actual scene I'm going to post in (I hope) a little time. It'll all be explained, in the meantime, what do you think happened?