In this chapter it's written that Harvey has had panic attacks before and I know that since Donna's never worked for Louis in this story it shouldn't be like this, but let's close an eye about this little detail ;) I'm already sorry for some mistakes you'll find down the road. (I've been in a bit of a hurry)
As usual, enjoy!
G-
I'm gonna beat the shit out of you.
Harvey has once told Stephen, even if he had meant it as a way of saying. He has never been a guy to use his hands, his attitude and capability of manipulating people with words - ever the lawyer - have always assured him a win in the arguments he has faced. But he can, if he wants to, beat the shit out of somebody. He has been boxing for several years now, and knows that his fists could be pretty useful.
Yes, that time - when the door held the name Darby instead of Litt - he hadn't meant it for real. But there's nothing figurative in his words this time. He knows that Stephen is somewhere around the firm, probably in Alex's office or in one of the conference rooms. He has every intention of not finding him, not trusting himself with the man alone after what happened in the elevator. What he hasn't envisaged, though, is the possibility of Stephen finding him.
Harvey's walking down the firm's lobby, lost in the sound his shoes make at the contact with the wooden floor. He's actually relaxed for the very first time in what seems like forever - clearly clueless of what's coming for him.
"Harvey." His name cuts the silence. The sound of it has never been brought so much displeasure. He turns out of instinct, and his eyes are met with the thin figure that makes him recoil.
"I found it strange that I haven't seen you at the signing. Where were you?" Stephen inquires while getting closer, a faux perplexity adorning his features.
"Alex was more than capable of handling that himself, and I had something else to do." Harvey shrugs, putting his hands deep into his suits pants' pockets. He's clearly trying to assume a modicum snugness, but still failing miserably at it.
"Oh, and here I thought you were avoiding me because of our discussion." Stephen doesn't even try to faint his insinuations with an enough thick layer of sarcasm. The almost direct hint washes Harvey over, although he tries not to dip his toes into the turbulent waters. That's why he chuckles while getting ready to throw back a witty answer.
"Because I find you more clever than to believe that I need to use work to bring the topic up." He's not playing subtle, and Harvey knows it. He wants to get straight to the point without giving him the chance to disentangle himself from the impending.
"And yet, you always manage to use this exact place to mention it." His gaze is growing more and more piercing. He shakes his head and his lips mingle together in a flat line.
The couple is almost losing any contact with the previous sporadic jabs and the conversation gradually fails any irony.
Stephen, gesturing at the world outside of those walls, proposes casually, "Then why don't you call Donna and tell her to meet us outside, so we can go somewhere else and finally talk about it." Over his dead body, Harvey thinks. In that moment he drops any intentions he could have to persist with the playful pattern.
"I have to admit, you really are relentless. Let me set the record straight," He almost closes the gap between them. The right hand comes out of his pocket and aims at Stephen's chest. "You are neither wanted, nor needed into my family. I'm Penelope's dad and that's not going to change, so do us all a favor and get the hell out of our faces."
"See, you say it's all to protect that poor little girl from the bad guy, but it really is out selfishness. You are the bad guy who has been lucky enough and is now denying a daughter the possibility of knowing the one that is related to her by blood." He states fully convinced of his reasons. Maybe it has to be said that Stephen really believes he's being the good guy, and he cannot find a single reason it shouldn't look like that. And the more Harvey Specter stands up as the right parent, the more the thought wins over.
"How presumptuous of you to think you're that fertile to have to be her father." Harvey puts particular emphasis on have.
"Mh, it's not just a presumption." His eyes frantic. He looks like when he was about to deliver a coaxing speech, trying to get a client whatever shit he wanted to sell. Harvey doesn't want any of it, and believes he's enjoying himself way too much.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about odds. You see, I recently got to think about a particular day, six years ago. Remember when you called Donna, during a lunch break, because you obviously couldn't stay two seconds on your own? She told you she had an appointment with the dentist, but she actually had an appointment with me." This shouldn't be news to him, he's not a fool, and knows they had spent time together outside of the walls of the firm. But the thought of Donna having a conversation with him, who was completely clueless that she was with that man in the meantime, makes his interns squirm. Still, he pretends to be unmoved by his confession, when Stephen knows he's pushing just the right buttons.
"This is a very good story. Can we-"
"While she was getting dressed again," Harvey cringes as soon as those words leave his mouth. He's not delusional, he's aware that she has been with other men before. Of course, Donna is an attractive woman and she had specifically told him by then that she had slept with Stephen. It doesn't make it any easier though, when the ulterior acknowledgement is thrown into his face. How he had managed to fake it didn't bother him when it was happening right under his nose, he'll never know. "She noticed she had forgotten to take her birth-control. For days. And you can imagine how much you can do in days." As if being told that they had had an intense sex life wasn't enough, he has to hear that they didn't even use protections.
"And doing some calculations, you would have had to knock her up in basically no time. So tell me, did you forget the glove? Or did she forget the pill with you too?" No, she didn't. He specifically remembers having asked her. He couldn't bring himself to believe how it was possible that she had gotten pregnant, but she had told him that precautions don't always work. Yet, she has failed on telling him about this little detail.
Harvey's silence is enough of an answer and encourages Stephen to continue. "Then what are the odds you managed to knock her up, instead of me?" He concludes satisfied. "You know, she probably jumped at your skin because she was alone and hormonal. Because of my child." The conversation has became way too uncomfortable, but awkwardness isn't the only feeling that's settling in. Rage.
It's no secret that Harvey has been pissed before, but the kind of anger that is building right now is a whole another matter. He's only felt this sense of wrath a handful times, mainly because of his being protective over the small entourage of the ones he really cares about. It could even be said that it scares him a little, because it makes him reach the point where he no longer has control over his instinct.
"Stop it." Harvey's jaw clenches.
"Why because you know I'm right?" He teases heavily.
"Shut your mouth. Or I'll make you." He threatens, the fingers of his hand flinching in anticipation.
"Or maybe would you prefer me to say that your wife is a slut who fucks her former boss, three seconds after she was fucking m-" He doesn't even get to finish that sentence that Harvey's emotions take over.
He doesn't give him the time to metabolize the first punch, instead he unleashes with all the force he has. A generous hook lands right on Stephen's jaw, slamming him against the wall. Harvey's fist travels with such speed, he feels the air grazing his knuckles. It feels damn good to be pummeling that son of a bitch again. He hears voices, even feels hands, trying to push him away from his foe, but he's blinded by rage. Truth is, he doesn't want to stop, but frankly, he probably couldn't if he wanted to. The tension built up during all these weeks finds its culmination in the mad aggressiveness towards Stephen, who is basically turned into a punchball.
Harvey pulls him up by the already blood strained collar to just knock him to the ground shortly after. Not even the grunts and groans the man under him emits can deconcentrate him from placing a few hard kicks. Pure, deranged, irrational and frantic tantrum takes over, red engulfing his ability of thinking straight.
He could address his fury to what Stephen last said of Donna, but deep down he knows that it's helpless desperation. His whole world could have just changed.
It takes exactly two men to finally lift him from Stephen. He resists, but eventually has to give in. In the spur of the moment, while his eyes wander around the room, his gaze locks with Donna, who is standing in a corner, petrified. Never - in all the years she known him - she had seen such a violence. It scares her a little bit. Harvey's vision might be clouded, but he sees it clear as the blue sky: disappointment.
"Harvey, that's enough! Are you insane?" Mike shouts at him. And he is. Because he may have found out that Penelope isn't his after all. And he had really tried to not get his hopes up, but, at the end, he has ended in believing that he could really be her biological dad. And the sore reality of what may be the truth is one thing, but that ass ogling in front of his face is another.
Maybe he should have stayed away from Stephen as Alex had suggested him to. It's too late for that.
A few hands try to get Stephen up, but pride has him refuse their help. Instead of reaching for the much needed support, he slaps it away. Once he manages to stand on his feet, his digit slides on his bleeding lip in one fluid motion, swiping it clean. His gaze sets on Harvey's dark one. The lawyer makes his way to him between the crowd of people that have come to attend the show. They find it certainly bizzarre. It is as if you manage to escape your executioner and then go to him with a gun in your hand.
The nearer he gets, the more Harvey can make out his satisfied smirk. Why the hell is he smirking?
His hot breath comes near his ear and Harvey has to fight himself hard from not strangling his throat. He whispers something while the stranger's prying ears stand on attention.
"You see, Harvey, I didn't have any valid grounds to ask for Penelope's custody, but you just gave me the perfect one. We have a room full of witnesses," Harvey looks around. "That will testify that you have beaten up a man out of nowhere."
At first, Stephen's goal wasn't to set Harvey up. He really wanted to just talk, but when he realized where the conversation was heading to, he was quick to change his plan. He was willing to take a few punches from him for whatever would repay him later.
"So here's what's going to happen. You're going to sit down with me and civilly reach some kind of compromise, or I'm going to press charges for assault. Let's see how long it would take for Donna to leave you and for Penelope to be mine."
And with that he's gone.
Harvey feels his breath hitch, he tries so desperately to let the air reach his lungs, but it gets stuck somewhere before them. Cold sweat covers his entire front and shivers run down his arms and spine. He knows what is coming, and he's never been more afraid in his entire life to have another one again.
Mike recognizes the signals, having witnessed to it before, so he navigates Harvey into the bathroom as fast as he can. A flash in his gaze makes Donna understand what's going on too, but she's rooted to her spot. She's not sure she would be able to offer much help if she saw Harvey that broken. But the thought of not being there for him also eats her alive. She's so helpless.
In the meantime, Harvey is about to get sick in the ceramic furniture of the restroom, but for some reason the state of confusion is so much more overwhelming. It's like being wrapped in the q-tip: he's completely disconnected.
Adrenaline from the past confrontation still rushes through his veins, making him feel alive and making him feel much more than he would like too. It interferes with all the opposite and intense sensations, bringing him to a state of severe physical and emotional pain. It poisons him. All that Mike tries to accomplish to make him feel better, expires a few moments later.
The door slams open and a female figure walks in. Harvey can't sense her presence, but Mike acknowledges her with a terrified look when she reaches the third stool.
"He's having a panic attack, isn't he?" She asks to the junior partner currently bent down next to her husband.
If just the sight of him in this state makes her feel ill herself, her concern and her urge to be by his side no matter what wins over. She couldn't just stand there drowning in her cowardice, knowing that deep down he needed her. She hasn't failed once regarding this particular subject.
She goes on autopilot, instinctively taking Mike's place and placing a hand on Harvey's back. The motion straddles him a little, who notices her presence for the first time. She feels bad for having just provided ulterior pain, rather than comfort. In fact, it makes his heart beat dangerously faster to find her eyes again, the ones that had been so disappointed in him just a few minutes before. It's all his fault.
"Harvey," She takes his face between her hands to force eye contact. "Harvey, look at me. You don't have a choice, just look at me. Please." At the plead, he does just that.
"I'm here. Do you hear me? I'm here. I'm not going anywhere and I know that it doesn't seem like it, but it's going to be okay. You have to trust me." She's giving all the clichés of the case, yet, she carries them with such confidence and empathy, that they become all he needs to hear.
"Do it for me. Please, I need you to breathe. Harvey, please." And at her further please, he surrenders, setting with difficulty a breathing pattern. He doesn't even know how it is possible, but the world slowly seems less hovering over him.
The dull ache of his chest begins to dampen with every whispered I love you of hers, till she just holds him tight on the floor after the most exhausting experience of his life.
.
.
Harvey was reluctant about going home, afraid of not being able to hide his emotional turmoil from Penelope. No matter how hard Donna tried to convince him that was okay to show her that daddy was a little off, he was afraid that it would affect her. So she had proposed to let Mike and Rachel babysit her, or to send her at one of her friends' house for a sleepover, but he didn't feel like kicking his daughter out just because he couldn't deal with his panic attacks.
So instead of pushing her away, Donna had decided to let the little girl's contagious happiness cheer him up. Like in those TV programs where they rent a bunch of puppies for the ones who suffer from depression. Providing some kind of therapy was probably the best idea.
Donna watches as he's currently splayed on the couch with Penelope, fast asleep on her father's chest, and decides it's probably the best occasion they have to decide where they stand regarding Stephen's offer.
Of course, it was the first thing he had let her on about when he got the use of his voice back, as they where heading home from the firm.
She approaches him with a cup of steamy dark tea, handing it to him once she reaches the edge of the couch. He slowly cracks one eye open, spotting the mug and - awakening the stiff arm that was being crushed by Penelope - he reaches for it. He sniffs the hot liquid and grimaces, "Tea? Really? I've never drank tea in my whole life." He complains in a whisper.
She rolls her eyes, "Did you think I would let you have coffee?"
He just shrugs, but takes a sip regardless, keeping his free hand busy with rubbing the child's back.
Donna stares into her own drink, then cautiously asks, "What are we going to do?"
When Harvey shifts uncomfortably at the mention, she senses the need of explaining herself.
"Look I don't want to talk about it either, but the sooner we decide, the better. It's no use to ignore the problem." She puts a hand on her chest, as if to say she speaks from the bottom of her heart.
Harvey bites his lip and nods, then looks at the toddler on top of him that breathes heavily in and out, worn off by her day. Her little cheeks are red, and match the copper locks that fall in front of her button nose. Donna's button nose. He could look at her for hours. It's been like that from the day she was born, when he had been up all through night just watching as she closed her little palm around his index.
In that moment he figures out what he really wants: anything Stephen will allow him, even if it's seeing her for a couple of minutes every month - just as long as he doesn't lose her completely. He's too aware of what he would be missing. He's also aware of the fact that if the other man won the custody, Donna would probably be able to see her under some agreement, but without him. God knows if he would be sitting in a cell by then.
"I can't risk her." He finally says with a sigh. "And if cutting some kind of deal with Stephen can spare us going to court and expose you and her to the possibility of losing, then so be it." He doesn't ask her if she's okay with the decision, not because he doesn't want her opinion, but because he knows that she would let him have the final say. At the end, who's really at stake it's him.
Deep down, Donna knows that he would have chosen to take that offer, because that's what she would have done too. They might have different points of view, but they're still her parents. Both of them.
"My thoughts exactly." She reassures him with a faint smile.
.
.
Stephen is finally the one who gets to call the shots, and it feels like the best sensation in the world.
After years of not being able to make a single decision for himself and obey to the prison's rules, he had hoped that his going out would have changed things. And then - just a couple of days after his release - he found out about a child he didn't know he had. He was quick to realize that he wouldn't have a say in that situation either, facing - first Donna's - and second Harvey's imposition.
His ultimate luck, though, has put him in the long craved position of power. The ball's in his court now, and they will have to endure.
His hotel's room-service informs him of a couple making its way up. He thanks him with a generous tip and sets the coffees he's brought on the suite's table. He really likes this place: it's spacious, bright and has a fantastic view over Manhattan. The surroundings are of a light ochre colour, and the wooden furniture makes it unbelievably intimate. Sure, it's no place for a kid, but he's been living in it secured by Bishop's and a couple of friends' money, so for now it's more than fine. Everything's better than a cell anyways.
When he hears a knock, he slams the door open, revealing Harvey and Donna - hand in hand. They look like they're rather be at a funeral than being over there, but he's not here to make prisoners. They make their way in and turn in the middle of the room to face him. The united front they put up might intimidate him a little, but he's not giving up.
"Do you want to have something to drink?" He politely proposes, signaling the three cups on their left.
"We're not here to chat over coffee. Say what you have to say." Harvey bites, but keeping his composure. You're not giving him the satisfaction of losing it again, Specter, he thinks.
"Alright," Stephen announces taking a seat, inviting the two of them to do the same. "I've been thinking and the way I see it we've got two options."
Donna's hands begin to sweat. Harvey tightens his grip on them.
"We can make a paternity test and, once we find out who's the biological father, the other steps back." He holds up his thumb, as if keeping track. "Or we can decide against it. But in that case, we'll set some days I'll be able to see Penelope. You can introduce me as one of your friends and invite me over dinner, or you can tell her the truth - that is up to you. As long as I get to be a part in her life." He adds his index, as he lodges the second choice.
Apparently, the options aren't that bad, considering that one of them can potentially put Stephen definitely out of he picture. But, thinking about it, they're incredibly devious.
Stephen knows they would never take the first one, since he's put a bee in Harvey's bonnet and he can't have any assurance of being the real deal. He knows he'll never risk that much. Which leaves the second choice, that gives him full liberty, without also jeopardizing his odds.
Harvey recognizes the signature of a well prepared lawyer in this argument. He doesn't like it, but he has to accept it.
Him and Donna share a look, they don't have to talk to decide: the second is the safest option.
They report their choice and hope they won't regret for the rest of their lives.
Reviews are the fuel that keeps this machine going, so let them come :) I love to hear your opinions! Do you think they have made the right choice? What will happen next?