I've decided flashbacks will be a good part of the next few chapters. I still don't know how long this is going to take, but I really want to keep going for more chapters and maybe they can slow down the process. Though, we have already gotten past the middle of the story. Still, I have still a few tricks up my sleeve and anything can change!
Thanks for your continued support and as usual, enjoy!
G-
Kids? A completely foreign concept to Donna since she actually had one.
What really scared her was, yes the responsibility that came with it, yes the whole birth and delivery process, but most of all having to spend every day of at least eighteen years looking after someone - who would eventually just forget about you once he grows up - to just have your hours of sleep, sex and time for yourself reduced. She believed that big change could break the equilibrium of her wellbeing, and she would rather much like not to become the typical over stressed woman.
Since she was a teenager, she had never seen these kind of complicated creatures as part of her future life. Her mother used to tell her that she would eventually change her mind, once she'd find the 'right person', or so to say. Yet, even when she had glimpsed potential husband material in one of her long-term boyfriends, having a baby was still a distant possibility.
Then she used to address her irresolution to her young age, claiming she would have had plenty of time to decide to get pregnant. She had dwelled so long in those thoughts that she opened her eyes one day and realized she was pushing forty. She wasn't with anyone back then, yet - significant someone or not - she hadn't suffered the lack of children in her life at all.
Maybe it just wasn't for her. Not every woman is made to become a mom. She grew more and more accomodate with her 'there's nothing wrong with me if I don't want kids', though the skeptical looks the others threw at her assertion pissed her off.
And maybe, the whole rejection was given by the fact that she really didn't want to tie her life forever through a child with someone who wasn't Harvey, because deep down she had kind of always been opened up to the possibility of them being together.
When she found out that she was expecting, pushed away the gut wrenching sensation and overwhelming fear that had found her, her mind had instantly wondered to one option: abortion. She didn't even know if she wanted to become a mom in general, but she knew that she didn't want to look at her child to be remembered every time of one of the biggest mistakes of her life; the one time she should have known better. The guilt of resentment towards her own kid could have eaten her alive.
So Donna would have actually done that. Stephen wasn't in the picture anymore and she didn't have to give anybody account for the way she wanted to deal with her body. Then a thought flashed out of the clear blue sky: the baby could have been Harvey's. It could have been for real, the dates matched. And that changed everything. She could never abort Harvey's baby, not without talking about it with him first.
He had been such a wonderful supporter to her since the whole Stephen thing, and she could have never looked at him in the eyes after such a betrayal. She couldn't have lived with herself. When she had finally blurted the truth out, she didn't know if she was actually hoping for a positive or negative reaction. The latter would have given her a way out, even if she couldn't have predicted how Harvey asking her to get rid of their baby would have affected her.
She never got to experience that because, after the first moment of shock, he had been all in, telling her that she could count on him by her side no matter what. She had also glimpsed something behind his reassuring smile. Something that reminded her a lot of excitement. Truth was, either way, it would have been Donna's baby, and Harvey loved it already.
His sureness made her acquire confidence, knowing that she could always rely on him. He gave her strength, a reason to give it a shot. However, it didn't mean that it was easy for her. All on the contrary.
She had absolutely no attachment with the baby. No matter how much her belly grew, she couldn't picture a human in it. She had tried so hard to feel some kind of connection, but aside from the changes in her physique and the horrible sickness she was experiencing, it was like she wasn't pregnant at all. People approached her with beamy eyes, asking her how far along she was, if it was a boy or a girl, but she only seemed bothered by those questions. And every time someone reached for her bump, she abruptly moved, feeling violated. It was like she wasn't in charge of her body anymore, who looked more like an incubator.
Harvey had tried to reach her interest with something more tangible, like choosing the nursery's forniture, a name or some cute onesies, yet nothing seemed to make her access those emotions he desperately wanted her to feel.
She wondered if the baby could feel that she didn't love him, because as cruel as it may sound it was true: she didn't love him. 'Have I made the right choice?' , she used to ask herself. Maybe she was doing it only to make Harvey happy, but what was the point? Every sonogram she saw, every heartbeat she heard, made her more stoic, if that was even possible. Because in comparison to Harvey's jubilee, her was carelessness got super shown off.
One day they were sitting in the ob/gyn's waiting room for their monthly appointment, Donna absently flipping through the pages of a trashy magazine, discovering what Jennifer Lopez was wearing to a party.
Harvey placed a hand on her thigh out of habit, moving his thumb back and forth, coaxing her into giving him attention. Nothing. So he gently closed the envelope she was holding, gaining nothing more than a sigh and an annoyed look.
"How was your day?" He asked with purpose, tilting his head just slightly and flashing her with a bright smile.
Donna rolled her eyes.
"You worked with me basically the whole time, but if you want me to go over the main points of the Sidwell merger again..." She trailed off, playing the fool. She knew exactly what he was talking about.
That was his turn to give her a pointed look.
"That's not what I meant and you know it. How did you feel? Is the baby still bothering you?" He wondered with concern. She had been feeling off the whole week, getting a strange sensation she had never experienced before. She did not want to address it, but Harvey knew she was afraid something could actually be wrong.
Donna took hold of the journal on his lap again, opening it and burying her gaze into the article she pretended to read.
"Same as always." She replied after a minute or so. "It's probably choking on its umbilical cord." She added with nonchalance.
Harvey cringed at the image she had just put in his head. He understood that she was just masking her true worry, but enough was enough.
"Donna." He scolded her not so playfully.
"Relax. I'm joking, ok?" She realized - with well hidden shame - that she may have gone too far. "Mostly." She whispered.
"I heard you!" He almost yelled.
She finally lifted her head to look at his big brown eyes, "I'm sorry! But it could be, and at least I'm prepared if there are bad news." She scoffed.
Harvey was ensure about asking the following question, but did it regardless, before he could change his mind, "Because there could be bad news or because you hope for bad news?"
He regretted those words the second they left his mouth. Her expression turned into one of complete hurt and a bit of anger.
"I- I didn't-" He tried but got cut off by the doctor calling Donna's name. She didn't even turn, the inquisition still too vivid in her ears. She wanted to say something, deny it all and call him an idiot for even thinking about that. But guilt was set free, and made her realize that there was a particular reason if Harvey was brought to think such a thing.
They quietly made their way into the basic examination room. Donna undressed herself and got ready for the check up. Not once she dared to look at Harvey.
As the doctor was moving the doppler across her belly, telling the couple what she was seeing on the screen, Donna's eyes were fixated to the other side of the table.
Nothing new.
When the device reached the left side, her features suddenly changed. She became paler than normal and jerked a little.
"What?" Harvey got up from his chair.
Donna's mouth went as dry as the desert, words drawn back as sunk into quicksand. She tried to formulate a coherent sentence but her brain couldn't keep up with her emotions.
"Donna, what?" He pressed, his palms begun to get clumsy.
"Something's not right." She managed to let out between heavy breaths.
"What do you mean? What does she mean?" He turned to the doctor with an alarming tone.
"Donna, please lay back." The woman in scrubs tried to push her down, failing miserably.
"No, this is too much, I can't stay here." She shook her head with so much force it could detach. Her movements were frantic, dictated by irrational fear. Harvey was petrified. He didn't think his touch would be welcomed, and, even it was, he believed it couldn't have soothed her. She looked on the verge of a breakdown, probably the result of months of pent up tension.
"If you could just-"
"You don't understand, there's something wrong. I can feel it and it's not a good feeling." Tears started escaping the corners of her eyes uncontrollably. "I knew I couldn't do it. I don't have it in me. Please..."
"Please lie still, let us help you." Harvey cried out, while keeping her down under the weight of his forearm. He felt bad for basically forcing her, and it took all his will to keep her in place nonetheless she was pleading him with tears in her eyes.
The doctor was quick to seize the moment of immobility to place the doppler back to where it was and give a look. She analyzed the image and a smile creeped along her lips.
"Oh honey, there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you're feeling." She shook her head while speaking softly.
"No?" Donna sobbed, her chest beginning to rise and fall with a steadier rhythm.
She locked her gaze with Donna's, before repositioning the monitor in front of the examination table for her to see. "Your baby is kicking."
"What?" Harvey lets out a wet chuckle at the humorous absurdity of the thing.
"Mh mh. It's pretty common to feel a little nudge during these weeks, but she just gave you one hell of a kick." She observed.
"She?" They both widened their eyes, with hearts in their throats and mouths agape.
"Oh god, how unprofessional. You hadn't said if you wanted to know the sex. My fault." The doctor admitted sheepishly.
Sensing it was probably an intimate moment between the couple, she cleared Donna's belly from the leftovers of the gel and excused herself to give them some privacy.
"Harvey." Donna called him once they were alone. Her tone was light and free from any worries.
He swiped the fresh tears with his thumb before trailing his eyes off the black and white screen, only for them to land on hers. Without breaking the contact, she took his hand and let it rest on her left side. He waited and waited till he felt it. The contact of her outstretched skin with his palm made him gasp.
"Harvey our baby is kicking." She voiced proudly, almost in awe.
It was probably the first time he had ever seen her so taken. The change was just as sudden as evident. She had a sparkle in those glossy eyes he hadn't seen in a while, and she couldn't bring herself to stop smiling.
"Our baby girl is kicking." He stated mirroring her sentiment.
The way they were looking at each other was almost too much to handle. They were afraid their hearts could explode. Soon, all the troubles were forgotten and the only thing they could feel was peace.
"She's going to have my hair." Donna said as Harvey brushed a red lock out of her face. Now - he thought - now she's really feeling it.
As a matter of fact Donna felt it. She felt like there was actually someone else between her and Harvey. She felt like she was really growing a person. She felt that unintentional and unlimited joy everyone went on and on about.
She felt like a mother.
.
.
After having spent almost the entire morning indulging, Harvey has finally taken on the right rhythm and is deep into taking care of the Fisher acquisition.
Truth is, what has really been keeping his mind occupied is the thought of tonight's dinner. And it's not because he's going to eat fish and - damn - he hates fish, but because of the person who's going to sit at the same table. Goddamn Stephen Huntley.
To be honest, he knows that by choosing casual dates he would be forced to spend time with him. Though, it doesn't stop him from hating it with all the fibers of his being.
Harvey has already experienced a lot of sleepless nights, the concept of maybe having made the wrong decision haunting him. He's changed his mind about a thousand times during the last week and a half, but he's never gonna tell Donna. He's never gonna tell her what's churning in his head, that - to be fair - seems more like a blender of hopes and frustrations at the moment. Yet, he does feel her tossing and turning just as much as him, and can't help but wonder if she feels the same way.
A fair hour has passed since he's found refuge into the sanctity of his office; the soundproofed glass doors serving as a barrier from the chaos outside and guaranteeing him much needed space.
From the corner of his eyes he catches a hint of white making its way across his office. His sight is unintentionally brought up, but he quickly brings it back down, reminding himself of his already set goal. Yet he did see something strange. Don't fall for it Specter, you're just looking for anything to interrupt you, he thinks. Though his will doesn't hover his curiosity, so he eventually finds himself scanning the surroundings once again to find the object of his distraction.
He slightly leans over his desk, suited stomach pressing onto the glass surface, as his head tilts to get a better view.
Two men - or what he supposes are men - all wrapped up in baggy Tyvek coverall, antigas masks and safety glasses, are trying to seal with tape the elevators.
Okay, maybe I've spent too much time in here, Harvey thinks to himself. He blinks a few times, rubs his eyes, but the scene that is unfolding right under them is still crystal clear. He's not seeing things.
He quickly gets up - the stack of papers lying on his desk long forgotten - and makes his way to the reception.
"Mh, I'm sorry, but what the hell are you doing?" He asks with discernible astonishment. His frown deepens when the tallest man turns around to look at him through his thick transparent glasses. Not even a inch of flesh in exposed to the air, his full body is covered and secured.
Right on clue, Louis approaches them with his signature walk. The way his fists are sealed, his shoulders are stiffed and his arms swing at each weighty step he makes, tells him he's about to deliver an outburst.
"Oh thank god, Harvey, you're here!" He lets out a sigh of relief, opening widely his arms to envelope his friend into a hug.
Harvey jerks at the contact, and tries to unravel himself from the squid-like hold just after a few seconds. He sounds muffled squeezed against his colleague, "Louis, what on earth is going on here?" He cannot think of a single plausible reason for them to be there, because a hygiene inspection was most certainly not on their schedule.
"Wait a minute," Louis suddenly pushes him away, allowing his lungs to be filled with air again. "We should probably keep a legitimate distance between us. It's dangerous." He waves his finger between them.
"What are you talking about?" Typical. Louis' presence fills Harvey's head with more questions than answers.
Louis starts pacing up and down the hall, mumbling incoherent thoughts and sweating as if he was in a steambath. "Why us? I mean, that dumbass twiddles his stupid thumbs on a beach while we bust our asses day and night, and what do we get in return?"
"Louis stop-"
"Death! Freaking death!" He screams.
Harvey sighs loudly as the crease on his forehead takes the size of Wisconsin. His hands find Louis' forearms to stop him and urge him to make eye contact.
"Louis! Take a deep breath and tell me what on god's green earth is happening right the hell now!" He spells, shaking him to sober him up.
"You don't know?" At such a rhetorical question he is quick to add, "Of course you don't."
He takes a deep breath as instructed and sits down in one of the front desk's chairs.
"You remember Tom, right?"
Harvey's bottom lip protrudes a little as he takes a moment to gather his thoughts, but then firmly shakes his head.
"Golden? Our third year associate? Really?"
"I've got no clue, but do we truly want to focus on that?" He asks tiredly.
"So, he left for the Philippines a couple of weeks ago. When he got back he claimed he was sick. I refused to give him the day off because, I mean, come on! Suck it up! You're already a slacker, useless, slo-"
"Focus!" Harvey snaps his fingers right in front of Louis' face.
"Yes! Ok, so today he got worse. His wife took him to the hospital. The doctors ran some tests and they've found out he has contracted nonetheless than TBC!"
Meanwhile, Donna and Katrina are making their way towards their offices after a well deserved coffee break. Katrina is just telling her friend about the new ballet class she plans to attend to, when Donna catches the rather bizzarre scene they're walking past to. She stops abruptly, raising her arm to have the blonde do the same. She bumps against it and reads the situation: Louis panicking about something and Harvey trying to calm him down is nothing new, but the two figures that seem to be out of some cheap tv late night program about disinfestation certainly are.
"What-" the younger woman begins, but is roughly interrupted.
"Why doesn't anyone know a shit in this goddamn place!" Louis burst out.
"What is wrong with you?" Donna interferes, glancing at Harvey for an explanation. He raises his hand to be removed from the equation.
Louis is already nervous enough. He's way too preoccupied with worrying he could have caught some weird tropical disease, that he doesn't have time to fill everyone in.
"What is wrong with me is that if everyone would stick to their jobs and not take six fucking days to drink from a friggin' coconut and sunbath, we wouldn't be subjected to an isolation!"
"A what now?" The three pairs of eyes widen more than normal.
"We can't leave the building unless they confirm we are free from tuberculosis. The whole floor is in quarantine."
Harvey begins to pale a little at the mention of such a illness. He doesn't like to dwell in the thought of little bacteria taking possession of his body, sneaking in and settling in his lungs to moltiplic- oh no.
He swears he catches a wave of fear flashing through Katrina's gaze. For a moment she's dropped her head, and, as quick as she was to recover, Harvey has noticed. If even Katrina Bennet loses her composure, he's allowed to too.
Plus, if taking care his clinical condition isn't enough, he shares a look with Donna that makes him remember a bigger problem.
The goddamn dinner.
And that's it. Feel free to review and give your opinion. Everything is well accepted. Give me even ideas if you feel up to it. We'll see how Darvey manages their external problem while being trapped with the whole fiftieth floor!