Hey all!

So, a little follow up from last chapter. Expect a lot of anguish, guilt and a little bit of panic. If you suffer at all from panic attacks/anxiety or the like, be warned as I describe a panic attack in detail (I have bipolar and regularly have bad panic attacks, and writing one nearly sparked me.). The method used to calm Beth is a genuine method called grounding and is an amazing tool for coping with panic attacks. It's saved me hyperventilating myself into hospital in the past. If you don't know much about it, seriously give it a try. It's changed my life. For more info, follow this link:

blog/post/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique

Happy reading, and if you do have anxiety, depression, bipolar or any other mental health issue, I'm here for you should you need an impartial voice to talk to. I've worked in mental healthcare, suffer from bipolar and ADHD, and am currently the Part-Time Officer of Mental Health at the University of Derby, so I can probably help in a number of ways!

Thank you for your reviews, they mean SO MUCH to me!

...

April 3rd 2014, Washington DC

Beth found herself standing in a heart-sickeningly familiar train, crouched on the floor, a comforting warmth pressed up against her back. She squeezed her eyes shut, knowing where this was going, and wishing she was anywhere else. The warmth vanished and her eyes snapped open once more to see Bucky charging at the HYDRA soldiers. She tried to call out a warning, but her voice refused to cooperate with the screaming in her soul.

For what felt like the millionth time, she could only watch as seconds later, he was blasted out of the train, Steve rushing to help him. As always, she herself crawled to the hole to help, Steve shouting for her to stay back. This time, however, it was different. For the first time, instead of also calling out to her, Bucky simply stared at her, hatred on his face as he stared at her like she was a stranger.

"You can't save me." he mouthed as his hands lost their grip and he plummeted down into the icy ravine.

And finally, the scream came.

Beth didn't know how she wasn't screaming as she jerked to consciousness, but there was a rawness to her throat that made her feel as though she was. Outwardly, she may have been quiet, but internally every fibre of her being was crying out in raw agony. Only one thought swam through her mind, and that was that Bucky was alive. All this time, he'd been alive. They'd failed him.

"Beth"

Sam's gentle voice registered enough that she managed to raise her head to meet his gaze. There was a concern there, but also a silent message that right now really wasn't the best time to have a meltdown. 'Well tough shit' the hurting part of her wanted to yell. Instead, she remained silent, refusing to acknowledge Steve's guilt as he spoke, her own horror threatening to pull her into a void she knew she wouldn't be able to climb back out of.

"It isn't your fault Steve." Natasha spoke, voice strained.

Something in the other woman's voice had Beth's head whipping round, frowning to see the gunshot wound was still pulsating thick blood. It wasn't going to be long before she passed out or worse. As if seeing the thoughts in Beth's head, Sam spoke up.

"Hey, she needs a doctor."

What happened next surprised them all. Brandishing an electric rod, one of their captors proceeded to attack the other one. A second later and Maria Hill revealed herself to the stunned group. In any other situation, Beth would have smiled. Right now, she just wanted to get out of there and find Bucky. Impatiently she waited for her binds to be cut and a hole to be made in the floor of the vehicle. The moment she was free, she strode over to Nat and bit her lip.

"You shouldn't be conscious right now."

Nat gave the best smirk she could, though the paleness of her skin and the beads of sweat collecting on her brow gave away how bad it really was.

"Yeah, good job I'm stubborn, right?"

Beth rolled her eyes before turning to the new vehicle that had pulled up behind them. She was torn, so torn, between going back to track Bucky or staying with her friends and brother. Steve's hand on her shoulder broke her from her thoughts.

"You know it's impossible trying to track him. Right now, we need you."

She finally forced herself to look him in the eyes, seeing the same pain she knew was in her own. Her heart fell further.

"Fine, but only because Nat will die if I leave."

"Nice to see you care that much about me." Nat muttered as she made her way to the car.

As soon as they arrived wherever the hell Hill was taking them, Nat was barely hanging on and had to be supported by Sam as Beth did her best to stem the blood flow. A doctor came running over to take care of the assassin, before being told they would need to see 'him' first. Not in the mood, Beth growled, a sneaking suspicion that the 'him' mentioned would be none other than their 'deceased' leader.

And boom. There it was. A very much ALIVE Nick Fury greeting them.

"It's about damned time." he groaned.

The next hour was a blur as Beth tried to come to terms with the fact that not only was Bucky alive, but so was the SHIELD director. It was too much, and she couldn't stop her mind wandering no matter how hard she tried. It wasn't until she began recalling the times she'd seen the Winter Soldier that she suddenly felt every inch of air leave her body, her heart shattering. That time, back with HYDRA. Gerbel's use of the Soldier to sexually assault her. The evil bastard had to have known it was Bucky.

She felt sick, bile rising to her throat as panic began to rise inside her.

"I have to leave." She managed to choke out, her chair crashing to the floor as she fled from the room.

She found herself on a bridge overlooking the landscape around her, but she didn't truly notice. The air did nothing to help the heaviness of her lungs. Where normally playing with her engagement ring was something she did unconsciously, this time she was very aware as her hand touched the metal. She almost recoiled as her skin met the diamond, her lungs contracting further. She let go of the ring, panic threatening to take over as she crouched down, gasping for any breath she could catch. Dark spots began blurring her vision once more and she wanted to scream, her whole body feeling as though it was about to implode on itself.

She became aware of a presence next to her only when her inner alarms rang out. Faster than the blink of an eye, she lashed out, her swing easily dodged by a far-too calm Sam. Immediately, the band around her chest tightened further and she turned a pleading look to him as she realised what she had just done. Her hands fell to her sides, shaking violently and her knees buckled once more. If Sam hadn't caught her, she knew her face would've hit the deck.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. I got you."

"Can't breathe" she managed to gasp, eyes watering as she fought the next wave of panic.

"I need you to do something for me, okay?" Sam asked.

It took two more attempts before she was able to nod.

"Good. Look around you, name five things you can see."

"What the hell?" she snapped, voice trembling still as she battled against her unravelling body.

"Just do it. Name five things you can see. Try to take a deep breath in between each one."

She thought he was crazy, but right now, logic and sense weren't exactly on her side.

"Tr...trees." she stuttered. As deep a breath as she could manage. "Rocks". Another. "You." "S...sky".Another shuddering breath. "Railing."

"You're doing great. Now, four things you can touch. As you say them, actually touch them. And keep taking those breaths."

Dropping to the ground as her knees finally gave in, she reached out and grasped Sam's pant leg. He instantly crouched next to her, letting her hold him for support.

"Your p..pants. The ground. Shoelaces. Hair. My r...r...ring."

Sensing her tension, Sam simply forced her head up to look into his eyes, his arms gently reaching out to rest on her shoulders.

"Now, close your eyes."

"I'm scared to" she admitted, hating her body for the betrayal.

"I'm right here."

She didn't know if it was how calm he sounded or the fact he reminded her of Steve, but she forced her eyes closed, Bucky's face glaring at her still causing her to shudder. She moved forwards so she was resting her forehead against Sam's chest, his arms now embracing her.

"Now, listen carefully. What three things can you hear."

It took a moment for the rushing of blood to subside enough for anything to filter through, but the more she focused, the more she found herself able to zone in.

"Trees rustling. Birds singing." a pause, concentrating harder. "Your heartbeat"

"Great. Now, two things you can smell."

That one threw her and she frowned as she inhaled as deeply as she could, shocked to find it was coming easier than it had even a moment earlier.

"Water. I think we're near a water body. Your cologne. It's nice but I don't think it's right for you. Try something with sandalwood next time."

Sam chuckled above her, his arms briefly hugging her closer.

"And one last one. One thing you can taste."

That was hard and it took a few moments for her to formulate a response. It wasn't until she parted her lips to wet them she realised.

"Salt. My tears,"

"That's brilliant. Now, count to ten in your head and deeply breathe with every number. Then open your eyes and I want you to do it all again."

It took two more attempts before she felt calm enough to open her eyes and smile. Her hands had ceased clenching, and taroundnd round her waist was all but gone. The tears had stopped falling, though wet track marks marred her cheeks as a reminder of the control she'd lost.

"How did you do that?" she asked, unable to comprehend how quickly he'd bought her back from the brink.

"It's something I learned when I took up counselling at the VA. It's a technique called grounding. It helps to rewire your mind when having a panic attack as you have to focus on those things you can see, taste, touch, hear and smell. Because you're focused on that and not the thing causing the panic, your brain forgets about it and reboots. It can sometimes take five or six rounds, but I've only seen it fail twice in the past three years."

The medic in her was impressed and wanted to know more. The soldier in her was just relieved to be in control of her own mind again.

"I'm sorry for freaking out like that,"

"Don't be. It was a hell of a shock. I'm surprised Steve hasn't freaked yet."

Beth took a relieving deep breath before replying.

"He tends to go silent with situations like this. He disappears into his mind. I've always been the more outwardly explosive sibling. Though Bucky was probably the worst of all of us."

"Seeing someone you love so dearly come back to life, I can't even imagine it." Sam said, his words cautious.

She went quiet, eyes drifting over to the trees, seeking comfort in them as she listened to the wind whispering through the branches.

"Yeah, you can say that again. That's not the only thing though. Three times now, he's tried to kill me, but three times, he's failed. There have been clues each time, and I never picked up on them. I wish that was all though."

Before she knew it, she'd opened up and told Sam everything that had happened, from HYDRA using Bucky to assault her, to the fight only a few hours earlier where he'd seemed panicked to see her there. He held her when she silently stepped closer, offering her a brotherly hug she wasn't ready to ask Steve for just yet. When they broke apart, Sam gave her a smile.

"Think you'll be okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. I will be. Thanks, Sam."

"Any time."

They shared a smile and headed back inside. Beth immediately headed towards Nat to see how the redhead was feeling, while Sam stood back, observing the group of people he still couldn't quite believe he'd become so involved with. He didn't fail to notice Steve leave the room the same way Beth had, giving the super soldier a few moments to himself before following out.

"He's gonna be there, you know."

"I know" Steve replied, a sadness to his voice echoing Beth's, his eyes haunted.

Sam hated what he had to say next, but he knew that unlike Beth who had probably already realised it, Steve would need to have some tough love.

"Whoever he used to be, that's not who he is now. I don't think he's the kind you save. HE's the kind you stop."

"I don't wanna do that."

"He might not give you a choice. He doesn't know you."

Steve's back straightened, and Sam wanted to groan at the resolve in the other man's face.

"He will. Gear up, it's time to head out."

"You gonna wear that?" he asked, part of him wondering why Steve was walking in the opposite direction to the others.

"No. you wanna fight a war, you gotta wear a uniform."