Warnings: Sakumo's suicidal tendencies. I tried to write this realistically and making it hopeful as well... It's a difficult subject and the last thing I want to do is to affect someone negatively. So on that note, I recommend What A Big Heart You Have by LullabyKnell (on AO3) which is a Sakumo & Kushina friendship-healing fic that was quite inspirational when I wrote this chapter!
Kakashi is busy pouring over an ANBU handbook, learning their basic field handsigns and five suicide jutsu which promise instant death. Hand seal by hand seal, careful and without chakra, Kakashi practices in preparation for a day when the village comes first.
The older Hatake memorises the suicide jutsu carefully. Kakashi is strong but life has been cruel to him – Sakumo will save Kakashi from himself if needs be. Somehow.
'Hypocrite,' that traitorous voice in his mind laughs. 'You couldn't even save yourself.' The thought is like cold water in Sakumo's face. One memory leads to another and suddenly Sakumo is keenly aware of the newly learnt jutsus sitting heavily at the back of his mind, gnawing at him like an itch he can't scratch. Despite himself, he finds himself wondering.
If he could do a shunshin, a suicide jutsu shouldn't be any different, right? And what's death to a ghost?
The thing is... dying didn't silence those whispers of 'shame' and 'disgrace' and 'useless' in Sakumo's head. They were just buried under the tide of regret, resurfacing every now and then and making him feel guilty for even thinking about it again. It's been years since that night but it's a vicious cycle he still falls into… good days, bad days, the hours are endless as he digs his nails into his arm and grits his teeth in an effort to just stop thinking and live.
He hates how out of control he feels. He's a shinobi. He shouldn't be like this.
Sakumo closes his eyes against the sight of those deadly hand seals being formed so gracefully by Kakashi's hands, taking a deep, shuddering inhale. There have been beautiful moments when everything was silent in his head, times when he could forget, and he grasps for that calm desperately. He needs to distract himself from the stuffiness in his head and the hammering of his heart. Anything, anyone, just–
He finds Rin meditating, an inexplicable sort of calm smoothing all expression from her face. His throat tightens at the same time something in his chest unwinds. It will be unfair to burden her with his issues, but just having her in the same room, knowing that just in a moment she'll get up and talk to him, smile at him, seems to anchor him in the storm of his mind.
He's dead to Kakashi but alive to Rin. He has to pick up the pieces of himself, glue them together with Rin's solid conviction that they'll be alright, that they can still help Kakashi, that they matter. And he'll go on.
He owes both Kakashi and Rin at least that much.
At his request, Rin gladly forgoes her meditation in favour for a stroll. They walk about playing an ANBU mask version of I Spy and have good-natured arguments about several particularly abstract designs.
("Fox!" "What?! That's obviously a rabbit!" "What rabbit looks that sly?" "An ANBU rabbit!")
Sakumo finds himself laughing and slowly edging away from those familiar, winding thoughts which had snared him only moments before. 'Things will be alright,' he says silently to himself like a prayer. With every repetition, he believes it more and more.
The realisation that there are other ghosts here hits the pair in the middle of their game when Rin's Frog-Salamander-Toad-man rolls his eyes and snaps that he's obviously an Axolotl. Rin gapes mutely as he stalks through a wall, too shocked to reply. "Oh dear," Sakumo murmurs, wondering just how many people they have already offended.
("What's an axolotl?" Rin whispers later.)
A second look around the ANBU headquarters reveals that the place is swarming with ghosts. For all the years Sakumo has followed Kakashi around, the number of ghosts he has met can be counted on two hands, so he can be excused for assuming they were normal, living ANBU agents. Most of them continue to wear their masks too. Now he notices the slight differences in their armour and the pattern of their mask markings – some seem to be of a different, outdated style. The ghosts tended to stare too, their eyes flickering behind the shadowed holes of their masks.
But for all the company they now have, Rin's enthusiasm fades into quiet hurt when most ghosts refuse to speak with them. A few are even outright hostile or disdainful. "Why are they like that?" Rin asks in a mumble, sticking close to Sakumo's side.
He hides a grimace. His tarnished reputation must be well known even in the afterlife and now it is affecting Rin as well. "Sorry Rin. I don't think they like me very much."
"It's not your fault, Sakumo-san." The brunette straightens her back, scowling fiercely. "They're not worth talking to anyway," Rin declares. The next ghost that sneers at them gets a rude gesture from the girl and the woman's eyes widen comically.
"Rin!" Sakumo exclaims, scandalised but unable to stop his lips from twitching. "You can't do that!"
She grins up at him, mischief sparking in her eyes. "I'm a rebellious teenager~" she sings, skipping away backwards with a wide grin. "You can't stop me!"
"Rin!" Hurrying after her, Sakumo tries for exasperated but only ends up chuckling. "I'm serious!"
A/N: If you need a pick-me-up after the angst earlier on, check out my new one-shot The Grandad Trio featuring Sakumo, Jiraiya, Dan and senior citizen discounts at the onsen! :)