I lay in the meadow near the woods, the flowers dancing in the wind as the birds sang songs. It was peaceful, so quiet, no pain and I was alone. I sigh in content, staring at the blue sky, watching the clouds go by.
"Katniss, Katniss!" Someone's shouting. I'm angry at them for a moment for disturbing the peace when I realize, I'm Katniss. I sit up and look around for someone and see a girl with blonde hair and an untucked blouse.
"Little duck?" I ask, and suddenly I remember everything, my name, where I'm from and... oh wait, Prim is dead. I stare at her confused.
"Am I... dead?" I ask. I see her laugh and that makes me more confused.
"No Katniss, you're not dead," She tells me. Now I'm even more confused if I'm not dead but Prim is...
"You're not dead?" I ask. Her smile fades and she shakes her head. She seems sad, angry.
"No I'm not, but you almost were," She looks at me accusingly. Oh yeah, I tried to jump off a bridge.
"Wait, so how am I not dead, I jumped!" I asked trying not to sound too disappointed. I look at her and she sighs.
"you almost jumped, someone saved you. But Katniss, you can't die! You can't go trying to die by suicide every time something happens," She tells me. I look at her trying to remember the reason, and I remember!
"But the pain," I say trying to defend myself.
"It's going to be hard, but You'll get help. Just remember, your worth it." Prim tells me and I frown. I'm not worth anything to the world.
"No one loves me anymore, I'm not worth anything," I say and prim just sighs.
"Then live for me Goddammit!" She stomps frustrated. I stare at her in shock. Prim never cursed or like my aunt Effie put it was a "Civilized Human Being" And then there's the small obstacle the Prim is buried in the ground.
"But You're dead," I repeat and frown.
"Yes but you aren't." she quips back. "Look I might be dead, but your not and let's keep it that way." I'm so sure this is a dream but it feels so real! I frown and pluck a dandelion, and it feels real enough. I blow on it and sure enough, it floats in the wind. But this makes no sense! I saw them lift her coffin into the ground, never to be seen.
I'm talking to you," I ask,
"Yes but our loved ones never leave, their something death cannot touch." She replies. And I stare at her confused. But death is permanent! I never talked to my father like this. I shake my head, I must be going crazy I think.
"Look I gotta go now, there are people on earth that are looking for you." She replies gently. And I see her glide away, but I don't want to leave.
"Wait don't g-" But I don't finish cause I'm suddenly in someone's arms and I hear even more voices. At first, I'm alarmed that I'm being carried and want to jump but I can't move!
and I hear a door shut as I try slowly to open my eyes.
"No mom, get out of the way!" I hear someone yell. I'm able to squint now and can make out that I'm carried bridal style. And then I smell it. It smells like heaven and for a minute I think I actually did die. After all, I talked to prim, and It smells so good.
"I'm not having this Filth in the house and Bakery!" I hear a woman yell. I shudder thinking whatever mess must have been really bad but then I realize she's talking about me. Oh crap. I decided it might be in the best interest of my wellbeing to stay quiet. Then I realize I'm in the bakery so that means...
"I don't care! It's my bakery in the fall now and I'm a man now. You can't wack me with your rolling pins and expect me to be scared!" I realize the person yelling is the one holding me! Oh crap, this is getting confusing. Then the person carrying me is moving, bringing me up. I'm suddenly panicked, what if they're bringing me to the insane asylum! I start trashing and screaming, not caring if the woman thinks I'm filth. I can't go there. I kick and claw, but I must be weak because they just keep on carrying me until we stop moving and I can see. I'm being gently sat on a bed and I turn to see who kidnapped me. and All I can think is Oh shit. It's Peeta Mellark.
Peeta Mellark and I are not friends. We don't even know each other. In fact, the only time we ever interacted was when I was eleven and he probably forgot already. But I haven't and I know I never will. you don't forget the face of the person who was your last hope. I remember when we were eleven and my dad had just died. It was the bitterest, coldest January anyone had ever seen. The mining company gave us some money that would last long enough for my mom to get a job. Only she didn't, she just sat there. Prim and I begged her to get up to eat to do anything but she didn't. She was lost in a world of sadness and it terrified eleven years old me. But I had tried to be as strong as I could for Prim. So at eleven, I did all the cooking, handled our money and tried to ration it. But eventually, the money ran out. when the money ran out, we had nothing to eat. One day, it had been 3 days since we have eaten and we were desperate. I grabbed Prim's old baby clothe and went to town to see if there was anyone who would trade for it. No one did. And I was oh so tired, but I couldn't go home without food. Not to Prim's sunken cheeks and emaciated body so you could count her ribs. It had started to rain in cold, icy sheets that sapped you of your energy. So I found myself stumbling in the town looking for food. Now stealing is illegal but anything in the trash was fair game. I stumbled to the bakeries trash but it was just empty. That was when the baker's wife started screaming and threatening to call the cops. I had no choice but to sit down by an apple tree. I was too tired anymore, I thought to let them call the cops, even better, let me die in this freezing rain. Then I heard shouting and a clang. I wondered what was going on. And for a moment I thought that women were back and going to report me to the cops. That's when I saw him. A young boy, with blonde hair and blue eyes. I have seen him in school from time to time but never talked to him. in its hands were two loves of burnt bread. without looking he threw them to me and left. I stared at them, picking them up and squeezing them to my chest. It burned, but I welcomed it, for it was life itself. When I came home Prim was ecstatic at the sight of food but I made our mother sit down and eat with us. The next day I wanted to thank him at school but when our eyes connected in the schoolyard and I saw his face with a big nasty bruise, I was too embarrassed. He had gotten it because of me, everyone knew how his mom hit him. I looked down in shame and saw a dandelion. The first of the season and I remembered what my father had taught me. from then on I knew how to feed my family. I had hope, give directly from the baker's son. Know, he had saved my life twice and I hate him for it.
"I'm not dead!" I stare at him accusingly. He couldn't just let me free. He hat to wrap his arms around me, and contain me in this world.
"I'm sorry." He tells me. I look into his blue eyes, and I knew he wasn't mocking me. He wasn't judging me either. In fact, I saw understanding and something else that I couldn't identify. I blush and look down.
"I'm sorry, you should have let me just died," I mumble. He lifts my chin up and looks me straight in the eye. I swallow.
"I couldn't Katniss. Not now, not ever. Don't ever think like that, it's not worth it, ending your own life. Trust me and promise me to never do it again" I'm too angry to realize he knew my name. How dare he assume he knows what I've been through. Like he can even comprehend and pretend to care. This... this... stupid person. I wanted to hit him, to knock some sense into him.
"you don't know what I feel, you don't know anything about why I did it. You have no-" He gently cuts me off and just looks at me.
"You feel pain and you just want to get rid of it. Unimaginable pain of losing someone. You feel like the world is a cruel place and it's out to get you. You feel like nothing good happens to you and no one you love is left and no one cares about you. You feel like a burden, useless, crazy." He says gently and I gape. He hit it in a nutshell. How did he know how I felt. I suddenly feel ashamed, because just one second before I wanted to whack him.
"How did.." I'm at a loss for words.
"I felt like you once to Katniss. I wanted to end it all, the pain, the suffering. I was just another burden to a world that didn't care for me. And sometimes I still have nightmares and I can't tell you the pain gets easier... or time "heals" it. But it does become bearable. You just need some pointing in the right direction." He stares off into space. His blue eyes glassed over like marbles
"But I don't want to live, it's too painful." I cry. I feel him put a hand on my shoulder but I don't care. Living wasn't worth it and now Peeta had to let me live.
"Please Katniss. live for Prim. Live for me, if you don't want to live for yourself" He begs. And I'm at a loss for words. He used the same exact words Prim did. I can almost feel prim smirking at me saying
I told you so. It's like Peeta read my mind and it's like Prim predicted the future And it makes absolutely no sense! Why would Peeta want me to live? He doesn't even know me? What could he gain out of this trade? Suddenly I have a terrifying thought . Oh no, he's gonna send me to the insane asylum, I start to hyperventilate, panicking and I claw at his skin. I can't control myself self and I feel the urge to scream.
"You can't... can't can't" I cry over and over and over. I start flailing and pummeling him trying to get him to understand. he hugs me tightly effectively stopping me. I try to break free but I'm too weak and he's really strong.
"Katniss get some rest, and we'll talk later." He tells me gently and I realize I'm tired oh so tired. I lie down but just as I'm about to close my eyes I stop. I need to know.
"You... won't send me to the insane asylum right," I ask desperately. He tucks me in and I sigh.
"I would never do that to you." I close my eyes and sigh. When He must think I'm asleep cause I feel him gently touches his forehead to mine, and I can almost feel his brain thinking. It means I'm here for you, it means I know what you've been through. It's both relieving and unnerving that Peeta Mellark knows what I've been through and what I'm thinking, even what my dead sister says in my dreams that may or may not be crazy. I want for one crazy moment for him to stay and help me through the darkness when he stands up and says
"I would never harm you," And for the first time in weeks, I feel safe, I feel like maybe just maybe it was possible that someone in this world cares for me.