Chapter 10AE

'The Door Was Open'

'Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide'

'Breaking and Entering'

'Let's Make a Deal-A-Meal…I Won't Kill You '

Threepio pleads with his master to wait but Anakin decides that his way was best.

"Threepio, will you relax? You're with me. He can't hurt you." Anakin peers through the window.

"That was never one of my concerns, Sir. I really think we should ring the bell. It's the civilized thing to do."

"What are you saying, Threepio?"

"It's illegal and you could be arrested."

"Ha! Look at me. No one is getting arrested…let alone me. I would use my lightsaber but I don't want to attract attention."

Threepio turns to him with a sarcastic reply.

"Oh, and who would want that?"

"Fine! That's why I never travel with you…you always criticize me..." He begins to mock the protocol droid, waving his arms in a wild and comical frenzy. 'Oh, Master, it's illegal; this is against Galactic Republic law…goodness gracious!' He rolls his eyes then decides to placate Threepio, "You want me to ring the bell?" He points his index finger at the doorbell. "Fine! Happy now?"

Threepio is not at all amused by Anakin's portrayal of him. The protocol droid is insulted.

"I don't believe I heard it ring, master. Why don't you actually press it this time?"

"You must need an oil bath. I can hear it just fine."

"You must have the hearing of a K-9 droid."

Anakin ignores Threepio's gibe. He has an idea about how they can enter the house.

"There's no answer. Listen, I'll stand guard while you slide into the air conditioning vent over there." He points to the side of the house near some overgrown hedges. See? This is how burglars get in…Han needs to tend to his lawn."

Anakin uses an Imperial Army knife to jimmy open the metal vent on the side of the house. Threepio hesitates.

"Master, I cannot help but feel we're doing a terrible thing ---" Before Threepio can finish his sentence, Anakin shoves him through the duct work. The sound of creaking metal combined with crunched droid parts make for disastrous results. Anakin calls out to Threepio.

"Are you in?" He hears Threepio's voice echo through the air duct in response.

"Oh, dear…I think one of my parts is damaged."

"Hurry up and open the door. Stop fooling around!"

Threepio stumbles through the air conditioning duct until he is in the living room of the house. The living room is beautifully decorated but is marred by one flaw. Several beer bottles and two shot glasses are on the coffee table along with a still opened bottle of Whyrren's Reserve.

"Oh dear, that's going to leave an unattractive watermark."

Threepio hears Anakin clearing his voice outside.

"Any day now, Threepio. It's freezing out here."

Threepio locates the entrance to the foyer. He finally opens the door. He mocks surprise when his master stands waiting in the doorway.

"Oh, why it's you, master. I didn't hear you ring."

Anakin storms inside. There is a piece of the metal frame from the air conditioning vent tethered to Threepio's foot by wires. Anakin steps over the trailing wires and surveys the living room. He listens for a moment.

"Hmmm… I smell something..." He walks into the living room and sees the beer bottles and whisky. He places his hands on his hips as he shakes his head in disgust. "Oh...this is just great! No wonder she walked out on him."

Anakin opens his coat and sits in the over-sized gold and ivory brocade armchair. He taps his gloved hand on the armrest and calmly waits.

A few minutes pass. The footsteps on the staircase move in a cautious but determined pace. Drops of water wet the carpeted steps. Anakin barely looks up from a magazine he is reading.

"Is that any way to greet your guests?" He Force pulls the blaster out of Han's wet hand then sets it on the end table to his right. Han is furious.

"What are you doing here? How did you get in…never mind…silly question anyway..."

"What? You're not going to offer me any sort of refreshment? You're a terrible host."

"I wasn't expecting you. People don't usually break into my house."

Han's hair is still dripping. Anakin does not apologize for being an uninvited 'guest.'

"I'm family. Why are you dripping wet?"

"I was minding my business taking a shower when I thought I heard someone breaking into my house."

"It's cold outside. I can't stand out there forever."

Just at this moment Threepio enters the living room from another part of the house.

"Oh, master, you'll never believe what they did with the anniversary gift you gave them…" He sees Han and immediately stops talking. Han is fuming.

"What the…"

Anakin yells at Threepio."

"Sit down!"

Han interrupts.

"What do you think you're doing? Stand up!"

Anakin defies Han and calmly directs the droid.

"He's with me. Have a seat, Threepio."

"Thank you, master."

Threepio sits.

Han turns back to the droid and barks angrily.

"Get up!"

Threepio rises from the hardback chair near the door. He is not sure who to look to. Anakin reaches for the blaster and gently pats it as he speaks.

"Han, I believe I have the upper hand now. I need to talk to you." He turns to Threepio. "Threepio, sit down and don't get up until I tell you or I'll break every metal joint in your body. Got that?"

"Yes, master."

Han is fuming.

"I don't 'effing' believe this…" Han paces in the living room doorway then stops suddenly when he notices the gapping hole where the air conditioning vent used to be. "Hey! What the hell? There's a hole in my living room wall! What happened to my air conditioning vent?"

"You should do something about that. It gives easy access to burglars."

"You did this!"

"I never walked through your wall. Do I look as if I fit through that gaping hole?"

"No but he does!" Han points an accusatory finger at Threepio."

Anakin has a smirk on his face. He laughs.

"Oops. Threepio, he's got you there."

"But Master, you told me too…"

Han interrupts.

"Goldenrod's done some ridiculous stuff but I'm pretty sure that the 'gapping hole' was your doing."

"No one answered the door. We were concerned."

Han tersely responds between clenched teeth.

"I was taking a shower!"

"Well how were we supposed to know that?"

Han comes back with another sarcastic remark.

"Gee, I don't know…Maybe try ringing the doorbell or…I know…try calling first!"

Threepio looks to his master.

"See, master, I told you we should have rung the doorbell."

It is obvious now that Han has caught Anakin in a lie. Anakin still tries to defend himself.

"How do you know I…How do you know 'we' didn't?"

"You and your golden drone have a habit of going where you're not invited."

Threepio lets out a gasp then turns to his creator.

"Why Master, I do believe he has besmirched us!"

"Easy, Threepio, I can handle this." He crosses his leg then points to the alcohol and shot glasses on the coffee table. "So what's the deal here, you entertaining while your wife is away?"

"No. why? What did she tell you?"

"Ahh…so you know where she is…"

"It wouldn't be a surprise that she went crying to you. She's a spoiled princess...always has been. If you've come to accuse me of something then say it."

"Easy now…I come in peace."

"Where have I heard that line before?"

Threepio raises his hand wildly as if he is a student in class.

"Ooo…Master, I know that answer…It was a featured question on a quiz show just the other day…"

Both Anakin and Han stare at the droid in silence. Anakin continues his conversation with his son-in-law.

"Listen, I didn't come here to argue I just want to get Leia out of my house. It's apparent you're not taking care of your marital responsibilities so we're here to lay it out for you."

Threepio butts in again.

"Yeah! Master and I are here to give you the 411 on the situation back at our house. If that means taking it to the streets of Coruscant to get your attention, then so be it. That's how we roll. Humph!"

Han scowls at the audacious droid and points a warning finger at him. He turns to Anakin.

"Are you going to shut him up?"

"It's hard to stop him once he gets started." Anakin smiles proudly.

"Oh this is just great. I don't know which one of you is worst."

Threepio continues his assault on Han.

Pray that you don't have to deal with the wrath of the Dark Lord whose power is second to none; who sees all and is all-knowing and…"

Han yells back at the droid.

"Oh give me a break!" Han ignores the droid and yells at Anakin. What do you want from me?"

"I'm suffering. I want my house back that's what I want. What's going on with the two of you?"

"Oh, you really want to know? Your daughter is stubborn and irrational."

"Tell me about it."

"Yeah... and.…oh, you agree?"

"Of course I agree. Listen, Han, I don't want to beat you up over this I just want you to talk to her and get her to go home."

"What am I supposed to do? Drag her home?"

"Use some diplomacy. I'm suffering here. Why do I have to carry the burden in this family?" He notices a remote control on the end table near the blaster. He picks it up and starts pressing the buttons. A slight humming sound comes from the wall and a large wedding portrait of Han and Leia slides into the wall and a plasma screen takes its place. "Oooo…"

Han does not notice what Anakin is doing or why the Dark Lord is distracted. Han continues to speak.

"She's going to come back when she feels like it."

"Well then, I guest we're both in a pickle aren't we? Is this new? You've got a 2086 holobyte screen…Sweet!"

Han turns to see the plasma appear on the wall. He watches anxiously as Anakin fumbles with the controls.

"Yes and be careful with that remote. What are you doing? You have to know how to operate it."

"Relax, I got it. What's wrong with the image? It's kind of screwy…"

Han snatches the remote from Anakin.

"Give me that before you break it."

Threepio is shocked.

"Oh no he didn't!"

Han fixes the settings.

"The green button is for the picture. The read is for Rim codes. It was set for Core Worlds."

"Ohhh…nice picture. Okay, don't get your nerf chaps all in a twist. I've got it now. Hand it back I promise not to break your precious holovid panel. This must have cost you a bunch of credits. Let me catch the third race from Mos Espa Speedway. You may go now."

Anakin takes the remote then sits back and relaxes. Han grabs the ale bottles and shot glasses and starts to leave the room.

"It's my house!"

Anakin ignores him while staring at the screen. He has a question for Han.

"Got anymore ale?"

Han grumbles to himself before responding.

"Sure."

Han walks into the kitchen cursing to himself. He grabs a Corellian ale from the refrigerator.

"I can't 'effing' believe this! He's suffering…He doesn't know the meaning of suffering."

Anakin yells back at Han from the living room

"I can hear you, you know!"

Han rolls his eyes. The bottle falls to the floor spreading pieces of cobalt blue glass and ale over the white terracotta floor. He mutters to himself as he searches for sawdust in the broom closet.

"Damn! This is definitely not my day!"

Han reaches for the robo-broom that hangs from a hook inside the door. On the lower shelf there is the 3 kilo sack of 'Sweep-A-Way' he is looking for.' He grabs the bag but suddenly fixes his eyes on a 450 gram plastic container of 'Blister Gnat Begone', a household insecticide for houseplants. Inside the container is a coarse white crystal powder. The red and yellow label has a cartoon drawing of a dead Blister gnat across the front. The back label has an unending scroll of text full of instructions for product use and ominous skull and crossbones stamped on t hopper right-hand corner. A faint smile creeps across his face as he whispers to himself.

"God I hate gnats!"

When Han returns to the living room, Anakin has removed his black leather boots and is resting his stocking feet on the edge of the coffee table. Han stares down at him.

"Comfy?"

Anakin looks up at Han and takes the opened bottle of ale and a frosted glass mug.

"Yeah. I'm alright. Everything okay back there?"

"Yeah, It's fine…everything's fine…how are you?"

"Turn the heat up; it's chilly in here. Got any snacks?"

Han walks away without a word but returns with a box of Reythan Crackers with salted tops and spicy Jundland cheese spread.

"What's this?"

"It's called a snack. I wasn't expecting you to stay this long."

Anakin looks at the assortment of flaky crackers on the tray. He wrinkles his nose in disappointment.

"You eat this stuff?"

"Leia and I had a party a few weeks ago. It was more her party…lots of Galactic Senate politicos. The fancy crackers were her idea."

"You've been living on crackers since she left you?"

"No…they're not half bad once you put some food on them."

They stare at one another for a moment. Han sighs.

"What?"

"It'll be lunch soon."

"You came all the way over to my house for lunch?"

"Not initially but since you're offering."

"I didn't offer…"

"You're a terrible host, you know that don't you?"

Han is losing his patience but dare not go overboard lest he insight the ire of his father-in-law.

"Can I offer you anything else your lordship?"

"Yeah, you can start with some decent snacks."

"Oh great! Why don't we just grill up some steaks?"

"Shaak steak?"

Han forgot that his sarcasm is another person's reality. He has to make good on the offer now. God knows what his temperamental father-in-sith-law will do to him if he fails to deliver. He throws his arms in the air.

"Sure…steaks for everyone."

He heads back into the kitchen.

"Okay. Now you're talkin'." Anakin absently responds as he channel-surfs. He flips open his mobile phone and bites into one of the crackers. He brushes the crystals that have fallen onto his coat sleeve. "Hey, it's me…who do you think? I'm at Han's place. Nevermind why I'm here. He's working my last nerve. Hey! It's not my fault. Anyway, he's grilling…steaks. I got a game on and there's a pod race… I'm watching in picture-in picture….come one over..., of course! He'll love the company. Okay…see you soon." Anakin ends the call and starts dialing a new number. After several rings someone finally answers. Anakin seems annoyed by the delay. "Hey, why didn't you pick up...? Well, are you done for the day?...Still busy? Doing what? Are you serious? Deliberations? Oh geez…They really need to get it together. The kids are either Padawan graduates or not…I'm just glad they're not my kids. You guys seem to take anything nowadays. I'm at Han's place…You're invited…What's there to think about? So are you coming or not? Fake being sick. You're as old as sand, they'll fall for it….there's free food and booze…is that enough to get you here? …There you go! It'll be good for you to sneak out…you know what I mean…okay, I got it, you take the Jedi Code seriously but, come on…free booze…okay b'bye."

Han returns holding a grilling fork in his right hand.

"Who are you talking to?"

Anakin quickly folds the phone.

"Nobody." He shrugs his shoulders.

"I'll be right back. I'm watching you."

"I'm watching you. And if I'm watching you, that means no one is watching those steaks."

A few moments later while Han is in the kitchen, Anakin's cell phone rings. He stares at it. This is one call he is afraid to answer