Chapter 11AE

'Carbonite Nerf Steaks, Delivered From the Ranch Straight to Your Door'

'Morally Bankrupt and Loving It'

Party land'

'Tagge Kills Sith Dead '

The heart inside the Dark Lords chest immediately beats rapidly. He does not wish to listen to a lecture on how his 'moral compass' is lacking. There ought to be a law that stipulates brains and beauty should not be part of a woman's being. He puts his phone away and wonders why Han is taking so long in the kitchen grilling his steak. On the other hand, it's a good thing it is taking so long because the first of 'Anakin's 'invitees' is about to arrive.

Anakin snaps his fingers at Threepio who is in sleep mode.

"Hey! Wake up! Who told you to go into sleep mode?"

"I didn't think you needed me, sir. I assumed…"

"Of course I need you. You assumed wrong. When you do that you make an ass out of me."

"You're quite right, Master. I apologize for that."

"See? Now you're learning something. Answer the door."

"But the bell didn't ring, Master."

"I know that! I want you to answer it now before the nerf chef comes back out here."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. I don't want him burning my steak."

"Oh, perish the thought! Who would want that? I had you all wrong, master. I understand now. You want someone to enter the house before Mr. Solo finds out."

"The nose of the police droid dog as usual. Just answer the door, Watson!"

Threepio rises from his seat and walks to the door. He has a surprised expression on his face.

"Oh, it's Mr. Calrissian…or shall I address you as General?"

"We're amongst friends, Threepio…'Mister' is fine.

"How're you doin' Threepio?"

"Well, what a surprise to see you. Mr. Solo didn't mention that you would be visiting."

Lando smiles his trademark grin and walks pass the droid while patting Threepio on the back.

"Yeah…good to see ya." He has something under his left arm. He hands it to Threepio and walks pass Threepio. Threepio closes the door and follows Lando inside. Lando sees Anakin sitting in the plush armchair like a royal figurehead receiving his subjects. Anakin stands as Lando approaches him. The two men embrace.

"Hey, you old Dark Lord SOB, How the hell are you?"

"Good…good…all things considered…" He exhales a woeful sigh. "I'm glad you could make it, Lando."

"I brought some refreshments for everyone." Lando turns to look for Threepio. Anakin flashes a smile.

"Don't tell me…"

"Yes, sir! A case of hard, cold Hoth 45 Malt Liquor; when you demand the best, demand a Hoth." Lando turns and continues to speak to a non-existent audience. "Made with the pure ice from the summit of the North Ridge and the finest Corellian hops. So when you're at the casinos on Bespin or the Dunes Sea, get your hands around a cold forty-five…Works every time."

"Who are you talking to?"

"All the fine people in the galaxy."

Anakin responds with a tentative nod.

"Okay…"

Moments later the sound of laughter from the living room draws Han from the kitchen.

"Oh, I just wanted to let you know I only have nerf steaks…"

Han stops suddenly. He is surprised to see Lando who is 'chatting it up' with Anakin.

"Lando?"

Lando turns and smiles.

"Hey, you side winding pirate! Come over here and give us a hug! How you doin'?"

"Uh…fine. I didn't know you were coming over…" He glances over at Anakin.

Lando realizes that he has been used but tries to fabricate a story to justify his arrival.

"The boss here says you were down in the dumps and needed cheering up."

"He did, did he?" Han extends another look at his father-in-law, this time with a scowl. "What a guy; always looking out for others."

"That's what he does best."

Anakin interrupts.

"Han, did you say that you're cooking up nerf steaks instead?"

Han is visibly angry. Unable to hide his displeasure he responds with a terse "Yes."

Anakin giggles.

"That's funny! Aha ha-ha! Nerf steaks! How ironic!"

"I'm glad you're amused."

Lando looks around for Threepio as he speaks to Han

"I brought some refreshment…Where do you want me to put it? I handed it to your droid." He points his thumb in Threepio's general area. Han rolls his eyes.

"He's not mine "Han sees Threepio in the foyer struggling with the heavy case of alcoholic beverage. "Hey! Goldenrod, stop fooling around and take that into the kitchen…and don't drop it!"

Lando follows Han and Threepio into the kitchen. Han looks back at Anakin and points an accusing finger at the Dark Lord. Anakin waits until they have disappeared in the back before flipping open his phone once more.

After about twenty minutes the door opens. Han and Lando are still in the kitchen talking.

"So, where's Leia?"

"It's a long story."

"Trouble in the marriage?"

"Not from me. What lies have you heard?"

"Nothing."

"So… what scheme do you have up your sleeve for being here?"

"Hey, I was mislead. Anakin didn't tell me what was going down."

Han responds with a tone of doubt in his voice.

"Right…you had no idea he was going to pull this stunt."

"It's not my fault!"

"You noticed he's not showing any signs of leaving."

"It doesn't seem like it….especially since you're supposed to be cooking up steaks…Speaking of that, I don't see any steaks on the grill. You're going to piss him off."

"I'm going to bide my time. Maybe he'll grow tired of waiting and go home. I can be just as stubborn as he can."

"He thinks he's getting nerf steaks. I'm surprised that he's being so patient."

"Fine! He wants a steak? I'll cook him a steak!"

Han opens the refrigerator, pulls out a slab of red meat. He slams a steak on the grill.

"There! Steak!"

Lando watches as the lone steak makes a sizzling noise when it makes contact with the hot grilling grate.

"Don't you put any dry rub or something for seasoning?"

"Hand me that container on the counter behind you. I'll season the steak for His Lordship."

Lando grabs a small shaker jar. A potted Felucia orchid sits a few inches away. Lando hands the container to Han.

Han grumbles to himself as he shakes the powder on the steak then begins stabbing the slab of meat with the grilling fork. He seems to take great joy out of this. Lando watches with a bit of unease.

"You know that you're letting all the juices out."

"I know. It'll be the last time he ever asks for a steak again. You want one?"

"Not if you're going to cook it like that."

Han grins like a mad man after placing two more steaks on the grill. He drags the first steak off to the far left corner of the grill. He glances over his shoulder at Lando.

"That's the 'special' steak for his 'Worshipfulness'. Heh-heh!"

"Han, you are crazy."

Han points to his right temple and smiles.

"That's me, crazy like a nexu."

They hear voices in the living room and it's not the holovid plasma. He hears Anakin and another familiar voice that he had not heard for a long time.

"Hello there, Anakin, dear friend. I came as soon as I could get away."

Han stands in the kitchen and rolls his eyes.

"I cannot believe that this is happening to me. This is a bloody nightmare!"