Chapter 12AE

'Coruscant: CSI'

'Sith Hangover'

'Auto-choke'

'Shopping Club for Men'

Han decides to investigate. He storms into the living room. Just as he suspected, his father-in-law is holding court with, Boba Fett and his weekly randomly selected token Imperial officer. The officer is overly gracious to the dark lord for the invitation.

He bows to show his respect.

"Thank you for inviting me, your lordship. It is a great honor."

"Yeah, have a seat and relax before you have an anxiety attack."

"Yes, my Lord." The officer nods as he removes his officer's cap then quickly takes a seat on the sofa.

Anakin points in the officer's general direction.

"Someone get this officer a drink."

Han is standing in the entranceway to the living room watching.

"Company?" He is being sarcastic.

Anakin smiles. He sets his ale bottle on a Wookie sculpture next to his chair and crosses his legs.

"Yeah. I told you we're here to cheer you up." He winks. Han wants to wipe the smile from the face of the dark lord father-in-law.

"You know what would cheer me up?" Han walks over and quickly takes the bottle off the sculpture and sets it on the table. He attempts to protect the odd piece of Wookie art from water stains. . Anakin rolls his eyes. He thinks the sculpture is ghastly.

Just then, Obi-Wan Kenobi enters the room with Han's father, Professor Solo. The two men seemed to have started a conversation in the foyer before joining the others. Obi-Wan is still in his Jedi robe having come directly from a meeting at the Jedi Temple. Professor Solo looks typically dapper in one of his custom-tailored suits. His eyes light up. Anakin suspects that the two men have already been drinking before their arrival. Professor Solo opens his arms to greet his son.

"Junior! There you are. Your father-in-law said you needed some cheering up."

Han feels betrayed that his father is part of this circus of visitors.

"Dad?"

"Everything will work itself out. At least you're keeping busy. Cooking is great therapy in these trying times."

"What?"

Obi-Wan concurs.

"You're a remarkable man, Han. You're showing a lot of courage..." He pats Han on the shoulder. "This calls for a round of drinks, don't you think?"

"A round of what?"

Professor Solo takes charge and walks across the room to the wet bar. He plugs a cigar between his teeth and starts mixing drinks.

"Junior, go back to what you were doing. I've got everything under control here. Leave the drinks to the pros." The professor sets up several cocktail glasses on the bar. "Name your poison, Kenobi."

"Whyren's Reserve, a double…neat. Thank-you."

"One pickled Jedi coming up." Professor Solo notices Anakin who is chatting with the naval officer. "Hello, Anakin, you old basterd."

"Hello, Solo, you old scoundrel."

"What are you drinking?"

"Ale."

"Ale?"

"I'm good until my steak is ready. It sure is taking a long time." Anakin turns to Threepio. "Threepio, go check on my steak."

Threepio responds.

"Yes, Sir."

Threepio leaves his chair and walks into the kitchen; however, something sends the protocol droid sailing back through the living room door. Professor Solo is pouring drinks. He removes the cigar from his mouth when he sees Threepio crashing into a potted climbing plant. Threepio scrambles to his feet brushing away the climbing vines. He starts to shriek like a peasant woman.

"Help! I'm being consumed by a man-eating plant."

Anakin giggles uncontrollably.

"Stop fooling around and see about my meal."

"I did, master. That impossible man says you will get your steak in due time and then he muttered something to the effect that you should not get your Cajónes in a twist. What is a Cajónes? I don't have that in my translator which is odd because I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, and can readily detect exotic words and idioms but Cajónes …I am not able to detect the origin…it could be an Alderaan." He sounds out the word. "…ca-ho-nes..."

Anakin laughs. The officer slaps his knee and begins to laugh too. Anakin stares at him.

"Why are you laughing? Do you know what that means?"

"Uhm…no, my Lord." His smile fades.

"Then why are you laughing?"

"It just sounded funny is all."

"It sounded funny? You see me as someone to laugh at?"

"Uh…no..no, my Lord…I thought you thought it was funny so I laughed…" Beads of sweat pulse from the officer's temples and forehead. "I could be mistaken…"

Anakin picks up the bottle. He refills his glass with the remaining ale.

"Relax, it's not as if I'm going to choke you or shoot you in the foot with a blaster. I'm curious to know what he means."

Meanwhile, Threepio is wandering around the room scanning holo-mags and holo-books for any hint of the word.

"What's your name, officer?"

"Needa, Sir."

"Needa? I have an officer on my team named Needa."

"Yes, Sir, I know. That would be Vivar Needa, my father."

"Viva who? No…no…not him. Lorth Needa."

"Ohhh, he's my father's cousin, we're second cousins."

"You're joking me!"

The young officer speaks in earnest as he answers the dark lord.

"No, Sir. It is true. We are related."

Anakin turns to talk to an authority on such matters.

"Is there such a thing as a second cousin? Where?…Threepio! Where are you, you useless heap of scrap metal?"

"I'm right here, master. What is it?"

"How do you get to be a second cousin?"

Threepio ponders the question then quickly has an answer.

"I've never been a second cousin. Being a droid, I don't believe there such relationships exist."

Anakin taps his fingers impatiently on the side table for Threepio to finish speaking.

"Are you done?"

"I believe so, sir."

"Let me rephrase the question then; how do humans become second cousins?"

"Ohhhh…why didn't you say so? The offspring of one's' cousin determines that, master. But you grew up an only child with no relatives to speak of, Master…until that evil old coot revealed himself to you as your father. Before that, you were just poor little orphan Ani."

"Are you done?"

"Oh, yes, Master!"

"So cousins can have second cousins?"

"Of course."

"Oh, so it's true. I though the officer here was pulling my leg."

Obi-Wan Kenobi takes a sip of his drink then starts laughing.

"That's a good one, Anakin! Pulling your leg….hah-hah-hah!" He slaps his knee.

Anakin fails to see the humor and decides to ignore Obi-Wan. The aging Jedi is a bit sauced after two drinks. Anakin hurls a flippant remark at his former mentor.

"Really, Obi-Wan? Drunk already? It's not even dinner time." Anakin turns to the young officer. "So, you're General Needa's cousin?"

"Second cousin, Sir."

"Humph…whatever. So…what do you do?"

"Sir?"

"Where are you stationed?"

"I'm a satellite operator. I'm stationed above Coruscant, same as my father."

"You like it up there? It must be relentlessly boring."

"My father said I should consider it an honor, Sir…just as he does."

"I didn't ask you what your father thinks. How do you like it?"

"Well, I'm grateful for any commission in the navy, Sir."

"So, why aren't you there now?"

"I'm on liberty, Sir. Five months on the station and two months off, Sir."

"This is your first day off duty?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"So, what are you doing here?"

"I was at the Imperial Headquarters when Admiral Motti called me to report to this address. He said you needed an officer to accompany you on a special assignment.

"I did? Oh, yeah, I guess I did. I do crazy stuff like that."

"Am I in trouble, Sir?"

"No…no…what makes you think that?"

"Uhm…" The officer is not quite sure how to respond.

"So…who is your dad again?"

"Lieutenant Vivar Needa, Sir."

"Threepio leans over to whisper to his master.

"I believe he already answered that question, Master."

"Do you mind? Back away…further…" Anakin waves the droid away and continues his conversation with the young officer. "What's your name, officer?"

"Karol, Sir…Lieutenant Karol Needa, Sir."

"So, you and your father are both lieutenants at the same post?"

"Yes, my Lord. He has enjoyed the title since I was a young child. He said he was honored to be in charge of such an important commission per your orders. He says that you are a great man."

"Oh! Hmmm…" Anakin is quiet for a moment, pondering the words spoken by the officer he had never met before. A smile creeps across his face but it does not last long. He frantically looks around the room for Threepio.

"Threepio! Threepio! Where are you?"

"I'm right here, Master!"

The droid hurries across the room to the dark lord.

"What are you doing all the way over there? Stay within reach so I can speak to you. Geez!"

"But you told me to go away…never mind. What can I do for you , my glorious master?"

Anakin reaches for the droid's golden neck and pulls him close in order to whisper in his ear pad.

"That soldier's father has not been promoted since I sent him up to that space station. Is that accurate?"

"But, Master, no one up there has. You decreed it years ago as a punishment."

"Really?"

"For their 'ineptness and stupidity' were the words you used at the time, Master."

Anakin giggles sheepishly before controlling himself.

"I totally forgot about that outpost. Remind me to check into the current commissioned posts on board OSETS 2711."

"Yes, Master. I'll remind you again."

"This kid is impressive. He admires me…I think I like him."

"Yes, Master. Blind obedience is the most sincere form of flattery. I have all of your quotes stored in my memory."

"Wonderful, now back away, I can't think when you're hovering. I wish to speak to this young man some more."

"Yes, Master."

Anakin smiles then continues his conversation with the officer.

"So, Lieutenant, what's your drink?"

"I uhm…"

Anakin raises his hand and calls out the Professor Solo.

"Hey, Professor 'Double-0 boozer,' how about a drink for one of my officers over here?"

"Whyren's Reserve or Hoth 45?"

"No! I'm not trying to turn the poor kid into an alcoholic. Bring a couple of bottles of ale over here."

Professor Solo sends Boba Fett over with several bottles of ale. The officer graciously accepts it.

"Thank you. I'm really glad I came."

Boba keeps a bottle for himself and taps it against Needa's in a toast.

"Good on ya, mate! Drink up!"

Anakin gets up and storms into the kitchen. He sees several steaks on the grill.

"Is this mine? What's taking you so long?"

Han rolls his eyes.

"I was preparing it special." He stops basting the meat on the grill.

Anakin grabs a plate and shoves it towards Han.

"Just give it to me. I'm starving."

"No salad?"

"What do you think?"

"Here…knock yourself out."

Anakin leaves the kitchen with his plate. The other 'uninvited' guests file into the kitchen to get something to eat. Anakin sits alone in the living room. He is watching live coverage of a Mos Espa podracing event. Threepio watches as the group hangs out in the kitchen watching another sporting event on a smaller plasma screen.

"Poor master Ani summoned you all here today to cheer up General Solo and what do you do? You abandon him. He's sitting in there watching his beloved pod racing event alone."

"Yeah? What's your point?"

"Well! I am disappointed in all of you. He's in there eating his steak all alone."

Han jokes about Anakin.

"Fine with me. I hope he chokes on it."

Meanwhile, Anakin is eating and watching a commercial featuring Vic Jade promoting his new 'Coruscant Landing Bay Paving Company':

'Hi, I'm Vic Jade with Cor-Jade Landing Bay Paving Company.'

A younger man joins him in view of the holo-cam. The duo is the epitome of bad acting.

'And I'm Vic Jade Junior.'

'Do you have a landing bay that is crumbling and is not up to Federation code? Are your starships skidding across the tarmac or damaged from surface holes? We can help.'

'That's right, Pop. Cor-Jade Landing Bay Paving can give your landing bay that perfect professional finish just like the big Imperial and Republic landing bays for thousands of credits less than other contractors.'

'We beat up the competition, Pop…" He re-reads the cue card. "…oh, 'beat' the competition.'

Vic Jade continues to smile at the camera.

'We sure do, Vic Junior. We have virtually shut out the competition.'

'You can choose the competition but you'll be sorry that you did!' He points to the camera.

'With all due respect, Cor-Jade Landing Bay Paving will give you better quality at a better price with no repercussions. So, if you want the job done right, call us.'

They point to the holo-cam and shout the telephone number in unison: 'Coruscant 4-3586. We'll make you an offer you can't refuse!'

Anakin is speechless then begins laughing hysterically. He begins choking on a piece of steak he has been chewing. He manages to cough it up but falls backward onto the floor hitting his head against the Wookie sculpture.

Threepio walks into the room reading a holo-dictionary.

"Well! I was wrong. This is a rare moment. Master 'cajónes' is actually Massassi in origin but used galaxy-wide…I did not know that…hmmmm…it means…oh dear! So this is what Master Luke meant when he said I didn't have any…I wonder why…Master, I think Mr. Solo was trying to insult you.

He does not get a response; he stops reading and looks up from the holo-dictionary. The droid lets out a shrill scream.

"Call 9-1-1! Master Ani's down!" He scurries back into the kitchen . His golden arms flailing in typical Threepio fashion. "Master Ani's on the floor and he isn't moving."

Han takes a sip from his bottle of ale.

"It's about time!"

Threepio is panicky as he pleads for Han's assistance.

"No. really. Come quickly! I fear the worse! Please!"

Han rolls his eyes and decides to humor the protocol droid. The others follow except for Obi-Wan, Lando and Professor Solo who are still drinking and chatting. Han thinks that Anakin is up to one of his pranks and grins.

"Oh, this is rich. He has truly sunken to a new low, just when I thought he couldn't go any lower." Han laughs as he looks back at Boba, Fett, Officer Needa and Threepio. "The gig is up 'O great exalted one'. I've got to hand it to him though, the tipped over chair is a nice touch. It makes his little prank look authentic."

Threepio looks worried.

"But, General Solo, aren't you going to do something?"

"Listen, Goldenrod, all he's looking for is attention but he won't get it from me. These episodes are getting old. I'll tell you what I will do, I'm going to ignore him and go back into the kitchen and enjoy the steak I was forced to cook. Let him rot…Hear that, your Darthness?" He winks at the others. "Watch this…"

Han nudges him with his foot but Anakin does not respond. Han suddenly steps away. The color drains from his face. He shouts to the others in the kitchen.

"Hey, people! We have a problem in here!"