Minions! I now give you your next chapter!

Look, I know it's late, and I am sorry. I can offer no excuse because if I did, it would sound like I was trying to come up with…excuses. So to appease your wrath, Hermione Granger shall now present you with the disclaimer.

Enter Hermione.

"Now, as you all know, J.K. Rowling introduced the world to Harry Potter in 1997. The original name of the first book was Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, and – what? What are you waving your hands at me for? Oh, keep it short. Right. Ahem. Zsugami Alba does not own, nor will she ever own Harry Potter or Bleach. She doesn't even know how to use bleach, so it's probably best that she doesn't own any, don't you think? What now? Oh, it's a manga. I knew that."

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Chapter Eight: In which we first encounter The Guitar.

Haru sighed as he flopped onto his bed, not even bothering to pull back the covers. "Never again," he mumbled into his pillow. "That had to be the worst father/son experience yet."

It had taken a lot of convincing to get his father to believe the elf had just come for Haru's autograph. In reality, the elf's message had been a lot more serious. Something bad was happening at Hogwarts. The elf wouldn't tell him what, but it had to be pretty serious if it was worth warning him. Not even Yuzu's coaxing could calm the elf down enough to get the details. Bad things were either happening or going to happen this year at Hogwarts, and the elf had wanted Haru's word that he'd stay away. In the end, Haru promised to do his best to stay far away from danger, but he omitted the word "Hogwarts". The elf seemed satisfied and promptly vanished.

Of course, after Haru's father woke up, he saw fit to lead the family in an "inspiring" sing-along while playing his old guitar. Ichigo had muttered something about cutting the strings off last time, but the people at the music shop must have helped him restring it. They'd do anything for money. After fifteen verses of some song about a dead eagle, Haru was looking for sharp objects with which to kill himself. Even now, pressing the soft pillow against his ears, he was unable to muffle the off-tune hissing of his pet snake in the corner. Apparently Tatsuo found the song rather catchy.

In a land without a friend

Will there be an empty sssssssssky

Where the eagle usssssed to fly

In the wind?

"Shut up, Tatsuo. I'm begging you. Please, just stop."

The albino cobra merely gave what must have been a grin and began hissing louder. Thankfully, Haru soon lost himself to the world of unconsciousness, dreaming of tennis balls in tea towels and Tatsuo plucking the strings of an evil, man-eating guitar.

All right! I rather like Tatsuo hissing/singing one of the cheesiest campfire songs in existence. It's a nice touch. Don't you think so, Hermione?

"Haru has a snake?"

Yeah, it was introduced in Chapter One by Foxgrl9.

"Ah. I see."

Now, my minions, I have a challenge for you. A certain idea has been plaguing my thoughts for some time now, eating away at the corners of my brain. I want – no, I NEED a step-by-step diagram of Ikkaku Madarame's "lucky dance". The first person to present me with a decent diagram shall earn a special cameo appearance in this fanfic. Yes, I am that desperate. So review, or else you won't get another chapter. *hit over the head by a book* Hermione, I was only joking.