ZA: Good evening. I must admit I am a horrible, horrible person for not updating sooner. Therefore, to appease your rage, Sinistra-Sensei shall be giving the disclaimer.

S-S: If one looks at the stars and their positions relative to the planets, they should be able to tell Zsugami Alba has not, does not, nor will she ever own Harry Potter or the muggle cleaner known as "bleach".

ZA: Um, excuse me, Professor Sinistra. I'm not talking about Clorox. I'm talking about the amazingly epic manga series "Bleach".

S-S: Oh. I see. Well, she doesn't own that either.

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Chapter Eleven: Shopping with Simpletons

After weeks upon weeks of the torturous grounding known as "family time", Haru's punishment was finally over. Isshin discovered the loss of his beloved guitar and promptly forgot about everything else. The Kurosakis and patients rejoiced.

Haru was feeling slightly guilty about the guitar and its unfortunate demise. He was still a little confused about its actual destruction. In order to ease his conscience about the whole thing, he consented to allow his father to accompany him and his siblings to get his school supplies – a decision he was now regretting.

"Look, Haru! An enchanted broom! Now the floor will sweep itself! Like in that American Disney movie."

"Dad, those are for flying, not cleaning."

"Ooh! Haru! Look at this! Look at this! We can get matching pointy hats!"

"Dad, we have a uniform."

"Haru! Look at this! There's an author signing books called Magical Me! Can we get one? Pleeeeeease?"

Unfortunately, Haru did not have an excuse to turn down his father. He actually needed those books for his DADA class. Isshin dragged him into Flourish and Blott's, his face alight with the same fever as a Twilight fangirl (shudder).

Haru hurriedly collected his books, attempting to stay out of sight as his father got in line to talk to the author, a flamboyantly dressed wizard named Gilderoy Lockhart. Really, what man wore lace in the twentieth century? Of course, Haru's father found it all fascinating.

Unfortunately, just as Haru was paying for his books, he was spotted.

"Harry Potter! Such a pleasure to see you!" Lockhart exclaimed loudly, calling everyone's attention. "Together, we'll make the front page," he whispered excitedly to his reluctant captive as he dragged the boy back to a table loaded high with books – all featuring Lockhart on the cover.

Isshin was taken aback. Didn't these wizards know his son's name?

"My name's Haruyuki Kurosaki," Haru corrected the man currently clutching his arm in a death grip.

"Whatever you say, my boy," said Lockhart dismissively.

Isshin, recognizing the look on his son's face as a cry for help, vaulted over bookcases and middle-aged witches. He called out, "Oh, my darling son! Daddy will save you from this villain! Don't worry, I won't let him eat you!"

He came at Lockhart with a rather showy flying kick to the face. Lockhart was sent flying into the life-size poster of himself, clutching his face and moaning, "My beautiful smile." Witches flocked to the celebrity's aid, shooting glares at Isshin as he rushed to his son's side.

"Oh, my darling boy! Did the nasty author hurt you? Don't worry, Daddy will kiss the boo-boos bye-bye."

"Get off me, you weirdo!" cried Haru, frantically searching for an escape. "I've never seen this man before in my life. Someone help me!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes and pulled their father off of his brother before anyone could arrest him for assault. "Now, now, Dad. Let's get you your meds."

"Oh, is it time for ice cream already?"

'I'm never going to live this one down. My friends will have a field day with this one,' thought Haru, just then spotting a snickering Malfoy out of the corner of his eye. "Oh no." He turned his head and saw his ally standing with Malfoy Sr., who admonished his son in that signature drawl of his.

"Now, Draco, we must not laugh at others' misfortunes."

At this, the entire Kurosaki family turned to glare at the haughty wizard.

Haru sighed and nudged his family back. "Don't encourage him," he said. "Let's go get Dad his 'medicine'."

ZA: Well, there you have it. I wonder what would happen if Gilderoy Lockhart and Yumichika met? Hmm…

Haru: Who?

Ichigo: Never you mind. Don't listen to the girl behind the curtain.

ZA: I am the Great and Powerful Author! In place of a dark lord, you shall have a queen. All shall love me and despair.

Ichigo: I think you're mixing your fandoms again.