ZA: Ah, yes. Another chapter. You people are very lucky. I don't do this for just anyone. I've been waiting a while to write this one as well. Sooo…disclaimer.

Keigo Asano: Why am I here? You never put me in any of the chapters. I'm not even in this one. It's an outrage, I tell you!

ZA: Oh, don't worry. Your time will come.

Keigo: Um…I'm not sure I like the sound of that.

ZA: You have a sister who likes bald men. That's bound to come into play at some point.

Keigo: You're putting my sister in here? But she beats me up all the time.

ZA: Just do the disclaimer.

Keigo: Zsugami Alba does not own Harry Potter or Bleach. Or a heart.

ZA: But I do own a bazooka, and it's pointed at you. On with the chapter!

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Chapter 17: Isshin vs. Lockhart: The Ultimate Battle…?

Finally, the day of the quidditch match arrived. Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. Ichigo still didn't understand what all the hype was about, but everyone else was excited. Slytherins and Gryffindors were trash talking each other like professional wrestlers. Some of them were better at it than others. That Malfoy boy, for instance, sounded more like a cheerleader in a snit over who got to be the top of the pyramid. It was kind of funny.

"I'll come out on top, Kurosaki, because I'm the lightest. Everyone knows that's the key to a good seeker," Malfoy bragged.

Haru responded with: "That's nice, Draco. I'll just have Fred and George sneak some lead into your shoes. That way you won't blow off your broom and get lost in the wind."

Now here Ichigo was, standing in the bleachers and looking like someone had barfed up red and gold all over him. That was his father's doing, of course. "We must support our dear Haru by wearing his colors! Are you sure you won't paint your face? I have some left." Isshin had painted one half of his face red and the other half gold, the two colors meeting in the middle in a lightning bolt. Karin declared in a loud voice that some people – that she definitely did not know – had a bit too much spirit before she went to sit a few rows away.

The players took their positions, and Isshin pumped his fists into the air and cheered, "Go get 'em Haru! Kill the opposition!"

Moments later, the balls were released, the whistle was blown, and Ichigo nearly had a heart attack. One of the bludgers missed taking off Haru's head by just half an inch, and it looked like it was swinging around for another go. Fortunately, one of the redheaded twins intercepted the missile and sent it towards a chaser in the opposite direction.

"Oh no! My darling Haru was almost killed! I knew I shouldn't have let him play such a dangerous game. What was I thinking?" Isshin looked like he was five seconds away from tackling the referee and demanding the match be stopped immediately.

"Calm down, Dad," Ichigo reassured him, "He's done this loads of times. Besides, you never freak out like this when I do something dangerous."

"I freak out on the inside," Isshin sniffed. Then his personality did a complete one-eighty as he screamed for Haru to "Nevermind safety! I'll stitch you back up when you've caught the snitch!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes and then winced as the bludger once again caused his brother to veer sharply off course. 'Is it just me, or is that thing targeting Haru?'

As the situation grew even more dangerous – it even began to rain, the team captain called for a time out. Captain, seeker, and beaters huddled together in a brief conference before taking to the air once more. This time, the beaters left Haru to evade the deadly projectile on his own. Ichigo could see this allowed Haru a bit more room to maneuver as he searched for the elusive snitch.

"I can hardly see anything in this weather," Isshin complained, paint dripping down his nose.

"Wait!" Yuzu cried out, "I see it! The snitch is right above Malfoy's ear, and I think Haru sees it, too!" Ichigo looked back to the game and saw that Yuzu was right, though Malfoy was apparently oblivious.

Just when it looked as though Haru were going to make a grab for the thing, the bludger returned and hit Haru in the arm. Haru managed to stay on his broom and used the distraction to take the snitch before Malfoy figured out what was going on. There was only an instant of celebration, though, before Haru's broom suddenly nosedived to the ground.

Nobody's shouts of alarm could drown out Isshin's reaction to seeing his darling boy's crash landing. "Let me through! I'm a doctor! That's my son! Stand aside, you lump, and let me get to my boy!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Ichigo could see Snape calmly clearing a path for Isshin as the two quickly made their way to ground level. Down below, however, it appeared Haru was not yet out of danger. A blonde figure in jade green robes barged through the crowd toward the downed seeker. 'Oh no. The last thing we need is for that loser to stick his wand into this mess.' Ichigo caught up with his dad as they reached the field and raced toward Haru, but they were too late.

"…and Madam Pomfrey will be able to – er – tidy you up a bit," Lockhart was reassuring a dismayed Haru.

Ichigo looked at Haru's arm and felt his stomach turn a bit. Instead of mending the broken bones, Lockhart had apparently removed them. All of them. Haru's arm was now a rubbery, floppy…thing. It looked like something one might find in Captain Creepy Puppethead's laboratory. Isshin was apoplectic.

"You pompous…parasitical…infection of the kidney! Orakana baka! You've mutilated him! He's like a crippled Gumby doll! Who gave you license to practice medicine on poor, innocent children?! I'll sue them! Right after I'm finished with you!" Isshin lunged toward the terrified DADA professor. "I'm gonna write your C.O.D. as asphyxiation! No! Blunt trauma to the face with a righteous foot!"

Ichigo, Karin, and Yuzu all grabbed onto the back of their father's shirt, holding him in place as his arms flailed wildly in Lockhart's direction. The coward was attempting to hide behind a first year Hufflepuff. Ichigo wished he could just let his dad have at the jerk, but he didn't want to deal with the aftermath. There were other ways of handling the menace.

"Dad, calm down. We need to get Haru to the medical wing so Madame Pomfrey can fix him. Haru is our first priority," Ichigo reminded him.

Isshin returned his focus to his injured child. "Oh, Haru! You poor thing! I've failed you as a father!" He walked beside Haru's stretcher, sobbing over the boy like a widow in mourning. "Now you're crippled for the rest of eternity!"

Snape tugged Isshin away from the procession and spoke to him in comforting tones – well, as comforting as Snape could get. "The boy will be fine. Madame Pomfrey will administer the Skele-Gro potion, and his arm will be good as new in the morning."

"But what if it doesn't work? What if it's a bad batch? What if he's allergic?"

"I brew all of Madame Pomfrey's potions. I assure you it will work."

Isshin's mood shifted from hysterical anxiety to scheming. "I'll get that charlatan if it's the last thing I ever do. No one harms my Haru."

"Relax, Dad," said Ichigo. "I'll take care of it. I know exactly what to do. And it isn't even illegal." Then he took out his soul pager, called up a file, and pressed SEND.

Lockhart wearily trudged up the stairs to his office. It had been a trying day. He'd been threatened and accused of incompetence, and the rain had done a number on his hair. He needed to do some damage control pronto. After all, he couldn't have anyone see him like this.

He opened the door and stepped into the dark room. Suddenly, there was a flash of metal, and a shadowy figure rose before him.

"Hello, Lockhart," the figure drawled, "My name is Ikkaku Madarame, and mine will be the last name you ever hear. Now I have a question: Do you feel…lucky?"

ZA: Oh, poor Lockhart. Though he did bring this on himself.

Keigo: What's the bald guy doing there?

ZA: Didn't you read the last chapter?

Keigo: Why should I? I'm not even in it. Nobody ever includes me in anything.

ZA: I include you in things. Like this. Don't you feel included today?

Keigo: I've got a bazooka pointed at me. I'm not exactly feeling appreciated at the moment.

ZA: Well, tune in next Tuesday.

Keigo: Am I in that chapter?

ZA: No.