ZA: Good evening. Welcome to Liiiiights Oooouuuut.

Colin Creevey: Is this a radio show? We're on the radio? I've always wanted to be on the radio! Are you a voice actor? Can I take your picture, and maybe you can autograph it, too?

ZA: I don't feel particularly inclined to have my soul stolen by your evil shutter of doom. I was being silly. This is not a radio show; it is a story. You are in it, though.

Colin: I am? Cool! So what do I do?

ZA: Can you play dead?

Colin: …

ZA: Nevermind. Do you know what a disclaimer is?

Colin: Oh, right. That thing they told me to say. Ahem. Zsugami Alba does not own Harry Potter or Bleach. Can I take your picture now?

ZA: No. Now go run around the castle and take pictures of random things. I hear the second floor is quite lovely this time of night.

Colin: Okay!

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Chapter 18: In which nobody gets any answers

Haru could faintly hear voices in the darkness. One sounded like his brother. The other was vaguely familiar, but Haru couldn't place it.

"What are you doing here?" said Ichigo.

Haru opened his eyes to find himself tucked into one of the beds in the hospital wing. He looked to his right and saw Ichigo arguing with a…talking pillow? The pillow looked afraid. 'Wait, since when do pillows talk and fear?'Haru realized that he recognized the shivering form. 'That's no pillow!'

"Dobby was only trying to help HaruyukiKurosakiSir!" It was that elf that visited them in Japan. What did he want now?

"Only trying to help? What did you do?" Ichigo's tone turned menacing. That was the voice he used when dealing with neighborhood delinquents.

"Dobby tried to stop him from getting on the train, but powerful magic broke Dobby's barrier."

"That was you?" asked Ichigo.

"Yes, but Dobby failed to keep HaruyukiKurosakiSir from coming to Hogwarts. It is dangerous. HaruyukiKurosakiSir must leave. So Dobby thought that if he was terribly injured—"

"You mean you were the one who sent that bludger after my brother?" Ichigo sounded alarmingly calm. This was not good. The air seemed to grow heavy. Haru felt crushed by some invisible pressure.

"No one hurts my brother. You nearly got him killed. I will rip you apart." Then the calmness left Ichigo's voice.

"Prepare to face my bankai!"

'His what?' Haru wondered.

"But Dobby was helping. Dobby never intended—"

"I don't care about your intentions!" Ichigo shouted. "I will hand you over to Squad Twelve. I'll get you locked in the Maggot's Nest. I'll feed you to a hollow!"

Dobby collapsed to the floor in a sobbing mess. "No! Not the hollows! Anything but the hollows! Dobby's a good elf! Dobby will slam his fingers in the oven, or iron his ears! Please do not feed Dobby to the hollows!"

"What are hollows?" Haru asked.

Ichigo spun around and stared at him. "Haru! You're awake! I was just conversing with this…creature here. You should go back to sleep. You need your rest."

"How can I sleep with all this yelling? And what's a hollow?"

"Nothing you need to worry about. Just…um…I saw them on a bus bench?" Ichigo was such a terrible liar.

"Ichigo, is that your answer for everything?" Haru deadpanned.

"Dangit. I've been found out," Ichigo sighed. He turned to Dobby, who was still sobbing and wailing in the background. "Could you tone it down, Dobby? You'll wake up the entire castle."

"Is it bigger than a breadbox?" Haru asked.

"Is what bigger than a breadbox?" Ichigo looked puzzled.

"You know, the hollows?"

"Uh…sometimes. Usually. Look, I can't exactly tell you. It's top secret," Ichigo said.

"What, you're working for the government now?" Haru was very confused. "Does this have anything to do with you running around in that weird getup and destroying things with your magic sword?"

Dobby suddenly became even more terrified. "No! Don't send Dobby there! Not to the afterlife! Don't take Dobby's soul!"

"Okay," Haru leveled his gaze at Ichigo, "you are going to tell me exactly what is going on." Seeing the look on Ichigo's face, Haru added, "Or I'm telling Dad."

"I can't tell you right now, but I will tell you," Ichigo promised. He turned to Dobby and said, "Quiet down. I'm not gonna kill you. If you can behave from now on and answer some questions."

Dobby raised his head hopefully. "Dobby will try to be helpful. Dobby is a good elf."

"All right. First question: Wh—"

Suddenly they heard footsteps coming down the hall. Someone was coming. "Dobby must not be seen!" the elf cried before vanishing with a crack.

"Well, that was a productive conversation," Haru drawled.

"Shut up and pretend to be asleep. I wasn't supposed to wake you," Ichigo whispered. He quickly slumped down in the chair next to Haru's bed and started snoring.

'Yeah, like that wouldn't wake me up,' thought Haru as he followed suit – minus the snoring. He kept one eye cracked open just a bit to watch.

The next moment, the doors of the hospital wing swung open to admit Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall. Behind them floated the body of Colin Creevey, wide-eyed and holding his camera. He had been petrified just like Mrs. Norris.

ZA: Yes! I am rid of him. I mean, Oh no! Poor Colin!

Colin: Hey, what's this chain coming out of my chest? Wait, it's connected to…me! I'm lying on that bed, but I'm standing here. Am I dead?

ZA: No, just petrified. Weren't you paying attention?

Colin: Did I at least get some good pictures?

ZA: Uh, no. The film is melted.

Colin: What? Is my camera okay?

ZA: Nnnno.

Colin: *whimper*