ZA: Greetingssss, Minionssss! Today we ssshall indulge in a little interssspeccciesss romancccce. Two ssstar-crosssed loversss…

Draco: Shut up! You promised you wouldn't put that in this story!

ZA: Sorry, I lied. My readers deserve to know the truth.

Draco: Truth? I was molested by a…by a—

ZA: Sssilenccce, Sssexsssy! Ssspoilersss.

Draco: I hate you.

ZA: Yes, yes. Now do the disclaimer.

Draco: Sigh. Zsugami Alba, the traitorous wretch, does not own Harry Potter or Bleach. May I go now?

ZA: Please. Sssee you later.

Draco: Augh!

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Chapter 20: The Amorous Asp

"Dobby works for you?" Haru asked.

"He's been with our family for generations, but technically, he's Father's personal house elf," Draco replied.

"He's tried to kill me!" Haru glared at Draco.

"Don't look at me. I didn't order him to do it. I have no control over what he does. Well, mostly. I told you he's my father's house elf."

"Why is your father trying to kill me?" Haru wanted to know.

"Trust me, Kurosaki," said Draco, "If my father wanted you dead, you wouldn't be standing here now."

"That's not very reassuring, Draco," said Hermione.

Draco looked thoughtful. "I suppose it's possible that Dobby is acting on his own. He's not quite all there, you know. I don't think his intentions are murderous, though. He has a bit of a fascination with the whole Boy Who Lived thing. He's actually a big fan of yours, Haru. Father has punished him more than once for going on about you. I think I even spotted the beginnings of a shrine in his cupboard."

Ron looked horrified. "That's just disturbing."

"Tell me about it," agreed Draco.

"So we know who Dobby is and who he works for, but we don't know why he's targeting Haru," Hermione said.

"He did warn me about some great danger here at Hogwarts," Haru said. "Perhaps he overheard something."

"I wouldn't put it past my father to be involved in stirring up trouble for Hogwarts," Draco admitted. "He's always trying to discredit Dumbledore."

"Perhaps Draco can find something out over Christmas break," Hermione suggested.

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try," said Draco. "Although I will have to take a rather subtle approach."

Ron snorted. "You mean be sneaky. Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem for you."

Draco looked slightly affronted at first, then shrugged and smirked.

Ichigo kept his promise to visit over the weekends, though nothing really happened. Well, unless you count his introduction to Moaning Myrtle.

"You brought another boy into my toilet!" she wailed. "Is there no privacy to be found anymore!"

"Don't worry, Myrtle," Hermione told the ghost. "Haru says Ichigo already has a girlfriend. He'll leave you alone. You won't even notice he's here."

"For the last time: Rukia is not my girlfriend!" Ichigo shouted.

Myrtle frowned at him. "He doesn't sound very committed to the relationship."

"There is no relationship! She stuffs my closet with rabbit paraphernalia!"

"Oooh!" Myrtle looked deliciously scandalized. "So she's been in your bedroom?"

"I…wait…no! I…nevermind!" Ichigo threw up his hands in exasperation.

Business was booming in the amulet and talisman markets. Numerous students were roaming the halls wearing garlic wreaths and all sorts of gruesome-looking items. Haru had convinced a number of annoying classmates to wear paper ofuda plastered to their foreheads – most of them inscribed with kanji to ward off attractive members of the opposite sex. They even appeared to work, as one duped couple had inexplicably not seen each other for days, despite being in the same house.

One day, a notice appeared on the bulletin board in the Great Hall, advertising the formation of a dueling club for any interested parties.

Ron looked eager until Hermione read the name of the club's supervising professor. "Lockhart? What's the point in going now? We see him make a fool of himself multiple times a week in class."

"…and Professor Snape," Hermione continued reading from the announcement.

"I'll bring the popcorn!" Haru grinned.

"As long as it's kettle corn," Draco insisted.

The twins even offered to scrounge up a few bottles of butterbeer.

Finally, the day arrived, and the Great Hall was packed with curious students. There was a great deal of pushing and shoving at the center of the hall, where a long, narrow stage was set up. Most of the more violent maneuvering was taking place among a group of girls, some of them holding up signs declaring their love for Lockhart.

Haru's group had secured a rather nice spot a ways off, the stage being high enough to see over the crowd, and they had set up lawn chairs and TV trays with snacks. The TV trays were Hermione's idea.

A hush fell over the crowd as Lockhart ascended the stage at one end, his award-winning smile in place. Snape ascended the other end, unnoticed and obviously preferring it that way. "Like a ninja," Ron whispered.

"Do you even know what a ninja is?" Hermione asked him.

"Of course I do," he sputtered. "It's a…really…sneaky…guy."

Hermione narrowed her eyes at Ron as Haru explained, "Actually, a ninja is a Japanese assassin."

"Oh. So I was right?"

"Yes, Ron. Snape is like a ninja." Hermione rolled her eyes.

Draco grinned proudly and popped a kernel of kettle corn into his mouth. "Quiet, you three. The show's about to start."

Haru sat up straight and announced in a cheerful voice, "Be sure to turn all of your mobile devices on silent, and refrain from talking during the performance. Please dispose of all trash and recyclables in the appropriate receptacles on your right before exiting the theatre." That garnered quite a few confused looks from the other students and a couple of snickers from the muggleborns.

After a lot of yaddayaddayadda and foolish wand-waving, Snape stepped in and suggested a demonstration duel between himself and Lockhart. The DADA professor visibly swallowed and then seemed to recover before agreeing. Five seconds later, Snape was smirking over the edge of the stage at a fallen and dazed Lockhart. "Ready for round two, Professor?"

"Like a ninja," whispered Ron with glee. Hermione rolled her eyes again, but smiled.

After that predictable fiasco, Lockhart looked around desperately for someone to take his place. "Perhaps we should allow one of the students to try?" Lockhart suggested, spotting Haru seated in the back. "Mr. Potter, would you care to do the honors?"

Haru looked at Snape and raised one eyebrow.

"I think, perhaps after a brief lesson in the disarming spell, Mr. Kurosaki and Mr. Malfoy could provide a more relevant demonstration," said Snape.

Haru and Draco left the comfort of their lawn chairs and approached the stage.

"You're going down, Kurosaki," Draco smirked.

"That's what you think, Malfoy," Haru countered.

Unfortunately for Haru, Lockhart was assigned the task of teaching him the disarming spell while Draco received his instruction from Snape. Haru felt that to be an unfair advantage for his opponent. Fortunately, Haru had done some research and already knew the spell. The question was whether or not Draco would actually use the same spell or would try to take advantage of the situation by substituting something more interesting.

After pacing the distance of the stage and bowing to each other, the two boys fired off their spells simultaneously.

"Serpensortia!"

"Expelliarmus!"

A large serpent shot forth from the business end of Draco's wand and was immediately thrown back at the Slytherin by Haru's disarming spell. Draco suddenly had an armful of surprised snake.

"Augh!"

Why hello there, sssexssy! Fancccy meeting you here! The serpent hissed in a rather feminine tone.

Haru burst out laughing.

Sssweet Ssspirit, take me in your armsss! We ssshall make sssuch beautiful nessstlingsss together!

Lockhart rushed forward, his wand pointing in Draco's general direction, and shouted, "Stand back! I'll handle this!" Then, with a loud bang, the serpent was thrown high into the air and landed back on Malfoy as a much longer and wider specimen.

I'm ssscared! Hold me!

Malfoy struggled as the enlarged snake wrapped herself around him in a tight embrace.

You are ssstrong, my sssexssy, but my love for you isss ssstronger ssstill!

Malfoy grew even more panicked. "Haru! Help me! I'm too young to die!"

Haru tried his best to control his laughter. "I don't think it's dying that you have to worry about. She seems to have taken quite a shine to you."

"WHAT! Well, tell her I'm not interested!"

Sssorry, sssweetie, but you're ssslithering up the wrong tree there. He sssays he isssn't interesssted.

Playing hard to get, isss he? The serpent eagerly increased the pressure on Draco's torso.

"Stop making it worse! Tell her to let me go!"

Haru had never seen Draco so discombobulated before. Still grinning, he addressed the snake once more. He'sss ssspoken for.

How dare you toy with my affectionsss! The serpent managed to look affronted and gracefully slithered off Draco and onto the stage floor.

Professor Snape finally stepped in and banished the disappointed reptile as Draco breathed a tremendous sigh of relief.

"It's about time, Kurosaki." Draco began smoothing his hair and readjusting his robes.

Then the two duelers noticed the hush that had fallen over the crowd. They looked about and saw the shocked and frightened faces of their fellow students. The next moment, the whispering began.

"Parselmouth!"

"Maybe he's the heir of Slytherin."

"Did you see how he set that snake on Malfoy?"

"And he was laughing at the poor guy while he begged for mercy."

Haru shifted his gaze back toward where Ron, Hermione, and the twins were seated. His friends had very worried expressions on their faces. He turned to Draco. "What's going on?"

Draco raised his eyebrows at Haru. "Apparently, you've just outed yourself as the Heir of Slytherin. Well done, Kurosaki. I'm impressed at your unfathomable ability to cause trouble for yourself."

ZA: There. Ron had asked for a complete transcript of Haru's conversation with Draco's new lady snake.

Draco: She's not my lady snake! And tell Ron he can go –

ZA: Now, now. None of that. Haru won that duel fair and square.

Draco: What? He didn't win! That doesn't count! The snake interfered! I want a rematch!

ZA: You might want to stock up on snake repellant beforehand.