ZA: Hello, dear minions. Did you miss me? I missed you. Okay, that didn't seem nearly as creepy in my head. Anyway…we'll be covering about six weeks in this chapter, so there will be a few time skips as we take in the highlights of January and early February. I hope you enjoy them.

Vincent Crabbe: I can't believe they found out about my ballet classes. I'm so embarrassed.

Gregory Goyle: Nobody forced you to wear the tutu, and Daphne really liked it.

VC: The tutu?

GG: No, the interpretive dance. Nobody liked the tutu. *shudder* I think you've scarred Draco for life.

ZA: Tell them that I don't own Bleach or Harry Potter, or else I'll include a chapter about a talent show and make you both contestants.

VC and GG: ZSUGAMI ALBA DOESN'T OWN BLEACH OR HARRY POTTER! NOW LEAVE US ALONE, YOU…EVIL…PERSON!

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Diary entry

Diary Riddle

Chapter 23: Dear Diary – I mean JOURNAL.

Another weekend found Ichigo visiting Hogwarts once again. It wouldn't be so bad, but he had a tendency to get bored and demand to be entertained. "What shall we do today, little brother?"

Hermione gave him a look of exasperation. "Some of us have homework to do. You could leave us to it and go take a walk or something."

Ichigo looked affronted. "I have homework, too. I'm doing it right now as we speak."

Hermione looked doubtful. "Really?"

"Yes, my English sensei told us to practice our verbal skills. I'm working on fluency here. I'm also recording our conversations as proof that I did it."

"What?" Hermione looked indignant. "You can't record a conversation without our consent. It's illegal."

"Wait a moment. Could you spell that for me?" Ichigo pulled out his pocket sized Japanese/English dictionary. "What is 'illlllleeeegal'? I no understand these complicated English word."

Haru grabbed the dictionary and whacked his brother upside the head with it. "Shut up. Lockhart has us writing mini biographies about him, and I'm trying to think of a tactful way to call him a baka."

Ron looked curious. "What does that mean? You keep saying that word whenever we're around him. I thought it was one of those honorific things."

Hermione's eyes grew wide. "You mean it isn't? What have I been calling him in my essays?"

Ichigo simply passed the dictionary to her. "It's spelled b-a-k-a."

Rapid flipping of pages commenced, followed by "Oh butter biscuits! How am I not in detention by now? The man has been to Japan."

Draco snickered at the entry from over her shoulder. "Well, it's a good thing the fool never bothered to learn the language. Actually, he probably heard that word directed at him a lot and assumed the same thing you did."

"Whatever," moaned Ichigo. "I'm BORED. Let's go visit that toilet girl."

"Her name is Myrtle," Hermione huffed irritably.

"The toilets are so primitive here," Ichigo complained. "It's boring. In Japan, we can use our phones to flush."

"Ew," said Draco. "Muggles are so disgusting. What's a phone?"

"Never mind that, Draco," Hermione interrupted, turning to Ichigo. "Who uses their phone in the bathroom?"

Ichigo smirked, "Oh, I wasn't referring to flushing my own toilet. I just push the button at random moments. It's especially effective when I hit the bidet button. Hitsugaya went all bankai and accidentally froze the toilet water. It wasn't pretty."

"Ew," Draco repeated. "Kurosaki, what's a bankai?"

"I don't know, but I'd like to know who writes in their diary when they're using the toilet."

"What?" everyone asked simultaneously.

Ron peered over Haru's shoulder and spied a rather soggy book lying in a puddle just outside Myrtle's stall. "I can't blame the owner for not picking that up again."

Hermione stepped forward and performed sterilizing and drying charms before plucking it up from the floor. "Hmm…it says it belongs to a T.M. Riddle."

Ron's face screwed up in thought. "I've heard that name before. Oh, yeah! That's the guy that won that special award for services to the school. The one I kept barfing slugs on."

Ichigo looked sick. "Why were you eating slugs? Was it on a dare, or was it that French escarwhatsit stuff?"

"Escargot is snails," supplied Hermione. "And he was cursed."

Ichigo looked wistful. "I wish I could do magic."

Draco took out a quill and carefully turned the diary's pages with the nib. "It's blank. Poor guy didn't even get to write in it before it was befouled. Wait, how did his journal wind up in a girl's lavatory?"

"Yeah," said Ron. "He went to school ages ago."

"Yes, and he was a guy," Draco said pointedly.

"Well, we're here," said Haru.

"Yes, such naughty boys," whispered a creepy, feminine voice. Myrtle had finally made her appearance. She turned to Ichigo. "Shouldn't you be home snogging your sweetheart?"

"She's not my girlfriend!" shouted Ichigo. "She just kicks me in the shins a lot!"

Haru smirked. "It sounds like love to me."

"My mother drags my father around by his ear," mused Draco. "It's always the left one. If you look closely, you'll see it sticks out a bit farther than the right. He's rather self-conscious about it. Always wears his hair over his ears."

It was Ron's turn to look ill. "Too much information, Malfoy. Nobody wants to hear about your parents' private life."

"What are you doing, Hermione?" asked Haru.

"Well, I'm not about to waste a perfectly good book. I'm appropriating this diary for my own use. I'm keeping a record of all the new Japanese words I learn from you." Hermione set quill to paper and scrawled, "baka: n. fool, imbecile, person of little intelligence. Lavender Brown is a baka."

"What have you got against her?" asked Ron.

"She and Parvati kept me up all night with their giggling and arguing over which wizard in this school has the cutest rear."

Ron perked up. "Oh? Who did they decide on?"

"Dream on, Weasley," Draco snorted. "I doubt you even made the top fifty. I'm sure I scored well, of course."

Haru laughed. "Of course you're sure. You're so full of yourself."

"It's called confidence, Kurosaki. It's a natural byproduct of being the best."

Suddenly, Hermione gasped. "Look at the page!" The ink was slowly being absorbed into the paper. A moment later, new words appeared.

That's an interesting word. What language is it?

Ichigo's mouth curved into a grin. "This should be fun."

"Why do you get the first turn?" Ron complained.

"Because I'm the guest. Guests always go first. Plus, it's good practice for my English lessons," Ichigo replied smugly.

Dear Diary,

"Only girls write in diaries, Kurosaki," Draco scoffed. "Men keep journals."

"Shut up, Malfoy," Ichigo muttered before turning back to the task at hand.

My name is Renji Abarai.

Hello, Renji. My name is Tom Riddle.

Hello, Tom. Today I ate the last of Urahara's rice, slept in his house, hogged all of his pillows, ate his candy, and used the last of the toilet paper roll without replacing it.

Uh…

I am the biggest moocher in the universe.

Well, good for you.

I broke his coffee table, too. I was trying to slice cucumbers with my zanpakuto.

Right. So do you know Harry Potter?

Sorry. The only potters I know are bald.

Um…it's a name.

I knew that.

"Ask him why he wants to know about me?" Haru prompted his brother.

Why do you want to know about that loser? He picks his nose with his wand.

"Haru!" Hermione chided.

"I do not!" shouted Haru. "He's making all of this up, obviously!"

"Sure, Kurosaki," said Draco.

I heard he's quite a hero. Defeated a handsome, powerful dark lord when he was just a baby.

I don't know about the handsome part, but there was a dark lord involved. I heard he tripped on a rubber ducky and cracked his head open on a slobbery toy fire engine. Babies are hotbeds of germs.

How dare you! I mean, babies are adorable.

"Finnegan!" Seamus jumped as Snape yelled in his ear. "Adding powdered knotweed at this stage would be explosive. If you ruin one more cauldron, you WILL come to see the violence inherent in the system."

Seamus watched with a mixture of fear and awe as Snape glided past him toward the front of the classroom. "Dean, do my ears deceive me, or did Snape just quote Monty Python?"

-line break-

Dear journal,

My name is Ichigo, and I am in love. She is the brightest star in my lonely night sky. My welcoming sunrise in the morning. The straw in my juicebox, for without her I cannot drink of the nectar of life.

"I'm going to kill you, Haru."

Why don't you ask Harry Potter to help you woo fair lady?

"What's his deal with you, Kurosaki?" Draco wondered. "He seems a bit obsessed."

How can I turn to my greatest rival for help when his devilishly handsome visage is what draws my petite angel from me? He is the most popular, most powerful, most amazing wizard in the world. How could I ever compete with that?

"I'm really going to kill you, Haru."

Surely you have qualities of your own that shine brighter than even the great Harry Potter.

I do have a sizeable closet. I had it especially enlarged and installed a bed and window for my beloved. She will be so happy there.

You're in love with a house elf?

Morning breakfast was interrupted at the usual time as various owls swooped in with the daily mail delivery. A particularly arrogant eagle owl deposited an elegant, green envelope besides Draco Malfoy's plate.

"Oh, look. Father sends his greetings," Draco drawled as he waved the letter open with his wand. "I wonder what I've done now."

To my only son and heir,

"That doesn't bode well."

I have heard some rather distressing news regarding your recent activities. More worrisome than your appalling lapse in decorum at the dueling demonstration, sources inform me you have been seen frequenting the girls' lavatory. As a member of the illustrious Malfoy family, you must endeavor to conduct yourself at all times with the utmost dignity and discretion. Words cannot express how truly saddened I am to hear of your failings. I am sure I need not remind you the consequences of disappointing me further.

Your loving father,

Lucius Malfoy

"Give me that thing, Granger," Draco demanded, seizing Riddle's diary and brandishing what appeared to be a silver Sharpie pen with an evil gleam in his eye.

Dear Diary,

"I thought you said that only girls-"

"Shut up, Weasley. I'm redirecting my negative emotions in a safe environment."

"Sounds like someone's been seeing a therapist," muttered Hermione.

Today I spent ten hours on my hair and ten seconds on my son. I'm planning on going clubbing tonight if I can find my frilly knickers in time. If Dobby does not produce them quickly, I shall kick that useless house elf repeatedly and make him reorganize my collection of romance novels by genre, author, title, and cover model. I simply hate it when I find my Fabios mixed in with my Paul Marrons.

"There!" proclaimed Draco as he slammed the book shut with satisfying finality.

…Lucius?

ZA: Well, that was eye opening. Next chapter: Valentine's Day.