Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin.
A/N: Hello, both old and new readers! Thank you for the attention you've given this story as usual! Soon enough, Levi will be making his appearance, so please wait patiently until then. It'll probably take another chapter or two before we get him into the picture.
Act I
Chapter V: Times of Grief
"So how are we going to do this...?" Wilhelm stared, despair brimming in his eyes, at the two aberrant Titans that were strolling towards us. He flinched, lifting his blades on reflex. "Should we retreat for now?" He turned towards me, waiting for an order, though it was painfully obvious that he was struggling to keep himself from fleeing right that instant.
He had a fair point. There was no need to rush to our death, fighting two goddamn aberrants when the retreat signal would definitely be sounding soon. Our situation was hopeless, and the higher-ups knew that. With most of the civilians already near the entrance to the inner walls, there was no point in us soldiers staying here any longer.
From afar, I saw our headquarters, crowded with Titans. My face paled, white as a ghost as, the realization burning in every cell of my body.
"Damn, we're fucked big time," I found myself spatting out with a click of my tongue.
Wilhelm was openly gawking at me now, jaws dropping. "E-Excuse me?" His voice was reduced to a high-pitch scream unbefitting of a well-trained soldier. "If that was a joke, it's not funny."
"No, seriously, no joke intended," I confessed with a stoic face, shooting him an alarmed glance. "As a matter of fact, if we don't kill these fuckers here, we're going to be screwed."
Perhaps I should've sugarcoated my words more because Wilhelm was now reduced to a panicky state of mind, which was quite inconvenient in our situation.
"B-But why?! We can just retreat!" Wilhelm complained, waving his hands frantically. He pointed towards the opposite side of the town. "See that large bell over there? People are ringing that, which means we can leave now! It's over, Rose!" I couldn't help but laugh at the dire situation we were in, much to Wilhelm's chagrin. "The hell are you laughing at? Did you seriously go bonkers for real?"
I tapped the side of my gear, hearing the reverberating metallic click. Glancing down towards the gauge, I felt my suspicions bear fruit. "Yep, I knew it."
"Know what?!" Wilhelm's eyes were darting between the Titans that were still creeping towards us from a distance away and me. "I-If you want a death wish, then stay here. I'm leaving!"
"How much gas do you have left?" My question was like a freight train slamming against him at full speed. It left him visibly disturbed, his face a shade of white with realization. With a sharp turn of his head, he stared down in horror at his gear.
"...Holy fuck, we are screwed." It took Wilhelm everything he had, not to faint right then and there.
"Exactly," I scoffed. "We don't have much gas left. Now, how on earth do you suggest we outrun two aberrant Titans that, as we witnessed earlier, are as fast as lightning? And at the same time, preserve our gas until we climb over that wall?" I gave him a knowing look.
There was no need to wait for a reply because there wasn't going to be an answer coming from his mouth.
"Therefore, I suggest we kill these two now," I declared bluntly.
"...This is a nightmare," Wilhelm was now sputtering absentmindedly, laughing dryly to himself. He shook his head rapidly, denying everything that was unfolding in front of his eyes. "This is all just a bad dream and I'm going to wake up soon and—"
"Find yourself inside a Titan's stomach, that's what." I broke him out of a trance, much to his displeasure. I shot him a warning glare. "You better not be taking the easy way out. I need you to help me, or we're both dead meat."
"I feel like even if I help you, we're kind of fucked anyways...?" Wilhelm carefully said, gauging my reaction.
I shrugged. "It's either we take the chance to die now fighting them or die for sure later after we run out of gas before making it out of their radar." I lifted two fingers to make my point.
I gave him a pointed look. "Well?" I raised an impatient eyebrow at him. "Take your pick and make it quick."
Wilhelm gave me a resigned look as he accepted his fate. "...I don't want to die," he confessed meekly, eyes glistening with tears.
"Glad to hear, because neither do I." There was no time to waste. I grabbed my blades and narrowed my eyes at the two Titans who were now running towards us. "Get your grip together and listen to me." I turned around and started running on the roof in the opposite direction.
Wilhelm let loose a scream as he dashed after me, following my steps. "W-WHAT'S THE PLAN?!" He bellowed out in panic. The thundering footsteps behind us grew louder as we picked up our pace.
"We can't predict an aberrant's movements, but remember how Emil died? It rammed itself into the clock tower where Emil was standing on," I quickly explained as I leaped over the roof, flying towards the same tower.
"Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me!" Wilhelm managed to catch up to my train of thought. "If we get the timing wrong, we're dead!" He protested, soaring right behind me.
I gave him a quick glance. "Well, do you have a better idea?" My hair was flying all over the place, due to the rainstorm that was pouring down.
"...No!" Wilhelm groaned, wiping his face with his hands in exasperation. "I guess we do it...!"
"It's following after us, right?!" I yelled at him for confirmation.
He swiveled his head around, jet-black hair spraying all over the place as he let loose another squeal of horror. "Oh, it's definitely there! And I mean like, literally right behind us!"
"We're reaching the clock tower!" I yelled in advance as the tower came into view.
Shooting an arrow at the top, I jumped up into the air and felt myself flying towards it. As my feet landed on the side of the tower, I spun around, watching the Titan galloping on its hands in front of me. Wilhelm flew smack into the empty spot next to me, groaning at the growing bruise as he rubbed his forehead to calm down the head-splitting ache.
The thundering earthquake that shook the grounds turned his attention immediately to the sprinting aberrants. Their jaws hung open, slimy, sharp teeth in the shape of a monstrous grin.
"Wait till it leaps towards us before we move!" I barked out an order, gripping my gear tightly as I braced for the impact.
They say that when you're facing the most dangerous moment of your life, time moves the slowest. Indeed, it felt like an eternity as we waited, fear surging to new heights, sweat pouring down our faces, mixing with the raindrops that punctuated our palpitating heartbeats — discordant echoes. I could see glimpses of the muscles, contracting and pulsing, as the large body soared into the air with a ground-shattering push. On instinct, my knees crouched lower, preparing for the leap. Wilhelm quivered, face a mess from all the horror, fear, and trauma as we both dropped—
And then everything came crashing down as the Titans let loose a roaring cry, swinging its arms midair. It launched towards us at lightning speed, mouth opened wide as it prepared to feast.
"JUMP!" I screamed, jumping up into the air. I felt the thick strands of hair brushing against the bottom of my boots, barely missing my feet by a mere second as the two aberrants rammed into the clock tower, head hitting each other. They both let loose a monstrous wail of pain as they struggled to release their grip on the tower.
Without waiting, I released the grip on the wall behind me and allowed gravity to do its work, pulling me back down towards the Titan's neck. Shooting out my grapple, I slid down towards it, gritted my teeth, and swung my arm hard, slicing its weak point. The red liquid oozed out of its body as it gave a last cry before stilling, no longer struggling.
Relief flooded my body as I sighed loudly. Standing on top of the dead Titan's head, I swiveled my head around to find Wilhelm. "Hey, did you do it—"
It was at that moment that I realized how foolish it was of me to drop my guard in the middle of a battlefield. I only had a glimpse before a gigantic hand came crushing my body, sending an excruciating amount of pain down my torso as I choked in a soundless sob; the air was completely knocked out of me as I whimpered in insufferable agony, tears prickling the corner of my eyes.
W-What happened...?
I was slowly dragged up without mercy, limbs flailing in vain as I struggled with all my might to escape from death's looming clutch. Through foggy glass eyes, I saw a trail of blood trickling down the Titan's neck. Nevertheless, it wasn't dead — obviously.
F-Fucking hell, h-he didn't cut deep enough!
"...W-Wilhelm!" I managed to whisper out, feeling my lungs being crushed.
Its jaws slowly slid back, revealing its jagged teeth adorned with saliva. The pungent and revolting smell of flesh drifted from its open mouth, making me internally gag. My senses shut down immediately when confronted directly with the abyss — my gateway to the other world.
I'm dead. So dead.
On reflex, my eyes clamped tightly shut, bracing myself for the inevitable death that awaited...
But it wasn't my time yet. Not yet.
The distinctive, familiar sound of a passing grapple entered my ears as my eyes flickered open. Someone gave a battle roar, swinging past the Titan's bulgy hands and swerved around to its neck. "LET HER GO, YOU FUCKING MONSTER!" And with one clean slice, the Titan screamed as it released me from its grip.
I winced, feeling gravity pull me down to the ground helplessly. Sliding my hands down, I fumbled for my gears in a frenzy. Before I reached the bottom, I managed to find the switch and immediately shot my grapple out at the roof, hurling myself up onto the ledge. Tumbling down on my sides, I rolled across the roof, sending tiles flying off all over.
With a pained, strained groan, I grabbed my sides, wincing at the pain. The sound of footsteps coaxed the physical and mental exhaustion out of me as Wilhelm came running into view.
"R-Rose! Are you okay?!" He kneeled down in front of me, eyes bulging in horror as he spotted the trail of blood seeping through my shirt. "S-Shit, it's all my fault! I was too scared and trembled when I attacked its neck and missed the spot and—"
I grabbed his shoulder with my free hand, halting his rambling mouth. He stilled, frozen. His eyes were frantically darting around all over the place, evidently afraid that I was going to yell at him for his almost fatal blunder.
"...Thank you," I whispered out in gratitude.
He jolted in surprise, mouth drooping into a frown. "B-But I—"
"No buts. You saved me, and that's all that matters in the end."
His dark blue orbs widened as he gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to retort. I just shot him a shaky smile, signaling that I truly was okay with everything that went down. And in all honesty, I was fine.
We made it alive, both of us. Of course, not without casualties. And that's what gave me this unsettling feeling inside my stomach, even though our first bout with the Titans had just ended.
If we made it out with more than half our squad gone, how are the others doing...?
"We need to go," I found myself blurting out loud as I struggled to stand on both feet. Wilhelm was immediately by my side. He grabbed my shoulders and steadied me. I wobbled slightly, but that was hardly my primary concern. "Let's go meet up with the others. I think they're all waiting near the wall on the other end of the battlefield."
Wilhelm didn't answer. He simply nodded, knowing what needed to be done. Then, we launched ourselves back into the blood-bath, heading towards the regrouping area.
"Hey, Jean!" Connie stormed off towards Jean, who was crouching down on top of the roof, both hands around his head, staring down at the ground in despair. "What do we do now?!" Connie ignored the dejected look in Jean's eyes as he fired off another statement, though it was really a futile attempt to deny the hopelessness that permeated the air around the remaining cadets.
Jean couldn't even bother with a snarky remark. The reality sank in that everything was beyond repair: their situation, dead comrades, morale, just everything.
"What can we do?" The mocking emphasis was heard loud and clear. "We finally received the order to retreat, but we can't climb over the wall because we're out of gas." Jean lifted his head up and choked on an empty laugh at the hopeless situation.
"We're all going to die...and it's all because of those fucking cowards..." He trailed off, eyes glistening from the tears that threatened to fall, though they weren't tears of sadness. They were tears of anger. Fury. Contempt. Hatred towards the spineless team of cowards that refused to supply them with gas.
"You mean the support squads?" Connie picked up on Jean's implication. "What happened to them? Are they all...dead?" Connie was sweating bricks, fearing for the answer.
Jean couldn't help but scoff this time, albeit his distress at their devastating circumstance. "Hah, it would be better if that was the case. They probably all lost the will to fight, those fucking cowards," he spatted out in rue. "Not that I don't understand how they feel, but I doubt they abandoned their mission and barricaded themselves inside the HQ." His eyes swerved towards the HQ. "Look at those Titans. They've got our support squad surrounded."
"That's exactly why we have no choice but go all-in on those Titans! Sitting here and waiting to die isn't going to make a difference! The Titans are going to surround us any minute now! If we keep running away, we will end up using all of the gas we have left. If we lose our agility, it'll be REALLY over!" Connie screamed in frustration as he tapped his gas tank.
However, there was no hiding the way he attempted to mask his dread at the thought. His voice still rattled with every breath, betraying his true feelings.
Jean easily spotted Connie's poorly concealed lies. He chose to ignore them. There was no point in cornering each other any further than they already were, both mentally and physically. "I never thought I'd hear you make an intelligent comment, Connie." He settled for a somewhat light-hearted remark, though its intention was lost within the dampened mood.
"That wasn't the point," Connie grumbled under his breath.
"Look, I understand how you feel. But who the hell is willing to fight their way through this? The vanguard is all wiped out. Our seniors are fucking dead, for god sake. They tucked their tails between their legs and ran off inside the inner walls. No one's left to take charge, Connie," Jean ranted. Then, he shot Connie a pointed look. "Or what, are you going to become our leader?"
Connie made an awkward look of disgust at the thought. Jean would have laughed at the comical expression if only he weren't fighting down the urge to break into tears. "Not that we could do anything to the Titans, even if we had a commander. The gas storage is probably crawling with three to four-meter class Titans by now." Jean nailed down the coffin as Connie was struck silent.
"...What should we do?" It came out as a rhetorical question, and Connie knew it. He didn't expect a god-sent answer from Jean and really, anyone else in the precinct.
The silence reverberated like thunder. It really spoke for itself and their damning situation. There was nothing that could be done. It was over. The end. Finale. Seriously, what the hell were they even fighting for?
"I had such a boring life..." Jean drawled to himself, tired grayish orbs fluttering shut, escaping from reality. "If only I knew beforehand that this would happen..." He trailed off, burying his head even deeper between his knees.
If only I didn't join the military could be heard, even if he didn't say it out loud. It was probably what everyone else was thinking about anyways: regrets and more regrets. The area permeated with the smell of death and the shattering of hope. For some, those who still had a fighting spirit, it was utterly intolerable. It gnawed at their throats, the need to say something to lift up everyone's morale.
"Let's do it!" Sasha's voice broke through the dense fog of anxiety. "Stand up! If we all work together, we can do it!" Her words of comfort fell on deaf ears. Nobody was willing to listen to her. Nevertheless, she gritted her teeth and kept on going — going to who knows where.
She spotted Armin's huddled form next to the chimney. For some unknown reason, the blinding light returned in her eyes as she jogged over towards Armin. "Hey, Armin! Let's go together and—"
She stopped short, struck dumbfounded at the look Armin was giving her. The boy tilted his head up slightly, dull, empty eyes staring right back at her— no, it wasn't focusing at anything. Perhaps the void. The supernatural. Ghosts. Spectral faces of the dead.
The light in her eyes diminished until not even a speck was seen as it finally dawned down on her that no one was willing to listen to her — that she was the crazy one for fighting.
From a distance, Reiner stood next to his comrades and Marco.
"What do we do now, Reiner?" Annie sent Reiner a look.
Reiner's eyes flickered, though no one was really paying attention. "Not yet. Until we all group up."
"It's impossible." Marco's trembling voice turned their attention to him. He was staring blankly at the skies, greyish orbs lazily traversing the darkened clouds. "No matter what we do, we'll be dead before we make it out of here."
"Marco..." Bertholdt was visibly concerned at Marco's behavior.
"I mean, it's not like I wasn't prepared to die...it's just..." He trailed off. "What exactly am I going to die for?" The question was loaded, heavy like a revolver, and it only heightened everyone's sense of despair. The answer, of course, was never spoken.
Nothing. We're all going to die for nothing.
"Annie!" Mikasa's voice resounded from the right side of the roof. Annie glanced towards her, watching as Mikasa frantically came to a halt in front of her. "I heard about the situation. I'm sorry to bother you at this stressful moment, but have you seen Eren at all?"
Annie only shook her head, making Mikasa's heart sink. "I don't know. All I know is no one's gone up the walls yet." Then, her eyes fluttered towards the chimney. "Armin's sitting right there thought."
Mikasa whipped her head so fast her hair almost hit Annie in the face, but she didn't bother to give an apology. Her priorities were elsewhere. She sprinted off towards Armin, coming to a stop as her shadow loomed over Armin's quivering position. There was an irritating sense of foreboding that rushed over her. She desperately ignored it, focusing on her friend.
Kneeling down in front of him, her words were filled to the brim with concern. "Armin, are you hurt? Feeling okay?"
Armin was having trouble breathing. The kindness in Mikasa's voice only troubled him, pushing him over the brink of insanity. The regret, guilt, and sorrow all strangled his throat, keeping the apologies stuck inside. He needed to apologize and tell Mikasa everything. He had to do it. He felt like if he kept it inside of himself any longer, he'd really choke to death...
But maybe that was better for him: to die like the fucking spineless, weak, coward he was. He didn't deserve to live. He wanted to trade places with Eren, even now. He wanted to go back in time and die for his friend.
Time, unfortunately, doesn't stop for anyone. It doesn't understand remorse or regret.
He could barely force out a nod. Mikasa sighed in relief, which only made Armin angrier at himself. He wanted to claw his own throat out and feed it to the Titans.
Mikasa slowly stood up, eying her surroundings. Her gaze stopped on each and everyone one of the sitting cadets. The terror in their eyes only reinforced her fears, because even with every flicker, she still couldn't find him.
She needed to ask, once and for all. This unsettling, poisonous feeling inside of her needed to be extinguished, no matter what the cost. "Where's Eren?" She managed to choke out. "I can't find him anywhere."
Even months from now, she would still remember it as clear as glass. The way Armin threw his head up. The pouring eyes. The depth of despair whirling in those hollow orbs. She wished she never saw them, but it was too late. The deed had been done.
There was no denying that combination of emotions, darting around in Armin's eyes. She knew best what it meant because it was like looking into a mirror — looking back at her young self years back before Eren saved her.
Mikasa felt her world crumble, shattered into a gazillion fragments, unrepairable.
And it hurt like nothing she had ever experienced.
The dam broke, and it was unstoppable. Armin fell forward on his knees, hands crushing the roof tiles under his weight. "Our unit...the thirty-fourth cadet unit..." Armin was bawling now. Everyone cadet silently listened to him. "Thomas Wagner...Nic Tius...Mylius Zeramuski...Mina Carolina...Eren Jaeger!" As Armin listed off the names, a few cadets shut their ears and eyes, refusing to admit the reality that was shoved in front of their faces again.
"All five fulfilled their duty and died heroic deaths in battle!" Armin managed to scream out, feeling the salty tears against his own lips as he cried like no tomorrow — literally.
As the poor boy became a sobbing mess on the ground, the cadets ignored him. They ignored everything — stopped thinking, stopped breathing. It was too much. There was nothing that could explain how they felt at that moment.
Everything was broken. Destroyed.
The only sound that echoed down the trail of cadets was Armin's sobbing that only grew louder with no signs of ceasing.
"...What...did you...just...say?"
And then she came along.
It was like drifting in a dream. The wind blowing against my figure. The metallic clinking of metal on walls. The giddy child-like hope that filled me when I reached the edge of the roof where everyone was waiting. I expected to see them all — the familiar faces, familiar voices, the laughter. The relief loosened my previously tensed shoulders as I spotted them: my friends.
A dream, that's what it was.
This, on the other hand, was like waking up to the scorching flames burning me alive. Like lava scourging my veins, branding me to the bone, the words were acidic and harmful — straight to the point.
It fucking hurt more than when that Titan crushed me in its grasp, and that said something.
The bruise in my ribs, the numbing pain was nothing compared to this. My brain froze — disconnected, clocked out, flapped — everything just seemed surreal.
"...What did you just say, Armin?" I repeated, hoping for someone to break the eery silence with a joke. Maybe someone would come up and pinch me, laughing everything off, waking me up from this nightmare because god did I want to be awake for once.
"R-Rose..." His choked-up whimper only slammed that knife down onto my heart, twisting it, making my chest burn.
Swimming with pain, my vision was wavering in and out of focus. Mikasa shifted in front of Armin, mouth opening. Whatever words she said had no meaning to me. I wasn't listening. I couldn't listen.
Something was wrong with me, and I didn't know what it was.
I missed Wilhelm, glancing towards me with worry as he walked over towards the rest of the cadets, asking for an explanation about the situation at hand.
"...You okay?" I recognized that voice from somewhere, but my brain was too disjointed to figure out who it was. It didn't matter. "Oi, Rose. You...okay?" The voice repeated again, softer.
"...Do I look like I'm okay?" My own voice felt foreign to me. Whose voice was this, so lifeless and dull? So...dead?
"...Guess that was a stupid question." My head felt like it was going to explode under the sheer stress, but in the end, I recognized the voice as Jean's.
"Is this...how it feels...?" I found myself trailing off.
"What?"
"...When you lose someone important to you. Whatever this feeling is."
"What do you think it is?"
"I don't know. That's why I'm asking you, dimwit."
"...Never had anyone dear to you die before?"
It was probably the most vulnerable I'd ever been with anyone so far. The anguish and torment were too much — too foreign for me to handle. Things like grieving were a luxury, given to those who were blessed enough to have someone to cry over.
And I never had that, until now.
Soul bared, completely broken for once, I found myself glancing towards him with icy, shadowed orbs. "What does it mean to have someone dear to me?"
The words were like frostbites that seared both myself and Jean with piercing coldness. Jean wasn't prepared for my answer. It was too heavy, too raw, too sad for him to bear. Jean recoiled, gritting his teeth at the realization. There were no further questions. No conversation. It was just him, standing frozen next to me.
It was then that I realized why my vision was wavering so much. They were different from those that overflowed when I was confronted with fear and death. This was much more personal. Bitter. Aching. Agonizing.
The tears of grief were truly blinding.
"Marco, if we take out the titans that are surrounding the HQ, we can replenish our gas supplies and climb the wall. Does that sound correct?" Mikasa's commanding voice split through the silence.
"Yeah, but even if you're with us, there's just too many of them..." Marco trailed off but was rendered mute by Mikasa's alarming change in demeanor.
Everyone knew what kind of person Mikasa was: stoic, confident, cool, talented. Her presence and charisma stunned even the highest officials. The dragon-like gaze, molten grey eyes, strong and unbreakable like Titanium. The beast threatened to lash out if anything touched her important ones. There was never any doubt in her eyes. She knew what she wanted to do, how she wanted to live, what she wanted to protect.
Mikasa looked deceptively calm and collected, lurching down the circle of cadets, barking out command after command. She was always intimidating with that spine-tingling aura of power and menace that called for nothing less than absolute obedience, but those who knew her well enough could easily past that false bravado.
Those onyx-black orbs weren't shining with brilliance. They were pitch-black like burnt coals, the flames already extinguished by the winds of fate.
She came to a stop at the front of the roof. Her sword glinted against the ash-colored skies, the slightest of light being reflected off the surface. "I...am strong." She paused, taking a moment to lift her demon-like gaze at every single cadet. "Stronger than all of you. Extremely strong!" She raised her voice slightly, though there was no denying that monotonic, lifeless tone — the heartache.
"I can kill all those Titans there, even if I'm alone." She swung her blades swiftly towards the headquarters with accurate bearings. "You're either incompetent, or you're spineless cowards." She was snarling at every one of us. "You can sit here and suck on your fingers. Yeah, do that." She dared us to reply, directing all the malice, fury, pain, and grief at us with her swords.
Her impromptu speech was met with opposition.
"Hey, Mikasa! What are you saying?"
"You want to fight all those Titans by yourself?! That's crazy!"
"There's no way you can do that!"
None of their petty, childish retorts bothered her. Her jaws ticked, eyes flashing with fury — the first sign of emotion in those empty orbs of hers. Who knew where they were actually directed?
"If I can't do it, then I'll just die."
I felt my fingers twitch, her words sinking in. Lifting my head up slowly, I forced myself to gaze back at her. It was only for a split second, but our eyes met. Her eyes flickered as a sense of understanding passed through the both of us.
After all, we were of the same kind. Tragic past. Newly discovered emotions. New friends. Family. A reason to fight.
It was so terribly easy to identify everything that Mikasa was feeling.
"But if I win...I live."
There was an unspoken 'right?' as she glanced away from me, leaping up into the air. "Unless I fight, I cannot win!"
I didn't need any words after that. They were more than enough. She forcefully dragged me out of that abyss. Whether it was intentional or not, I had no clue. Maybe it was just a cry for help from someone cornered enough to take action, even if it was against her own will.
But it was alright, because we're all still alive to pick up the shattered pieces of our hopes and dreams. We weren't alone in this cruel and unfair world. Not anymore.
It wasn't over yet.
"...You heard that?" Jean's quivering voice entered my ears.
I glanced at him, eyes no longer wavering. Staring right into his terrified, yet shining orbs, I nodded. "Loud and clear."
Jean took a moment to steel his own resolve, biting back all remnants of fear that clouded his heart. He clenched his fists, temper flaring, clawing back whatever sense of despair that was still lurking in his throat. "HEY, YOU FUCKERS!"
Jean's automatic mode of self-preservation had always been bluster and bravado, just like Eren. He wasn't about to start mincing his words now. Especially now.
"Were we trained to let our comrades fight alone?! At this rate, we're really going to turn out to be spineless cowards, you know?!" The clarity of his voice jolted everyone out of their daze. He paused for a moment as if debating over a life-changing decision. Then, he let loose a scowl that screamed 'fuck all'. "Remember that suicide maniac?! He never gave up till the end! So what the fuck are you shit-heads doing, huh?!"
It was the most stupid form of intimidation I had ever heard, but I couldn't help myself from stifling that laugh that bubbled up inside of my throat, wanting to leap out. It was ironic that Jean was the one who would bring up Eren of all people. There was an aching warmth that spread in my chest as I watched him literally crap himself with his legs shaking violently, regretting everything that came out of his mouth that was running on auto-pilot.
Nevertheless, the idiocy of it all reassured me.
Everything will be okay.
"Well, you heard the man." I found myself speaking up as I strode confidently along the aisle of cadets that were staring at us with insanity. "We got an agenda on our hands now and time isn't going to wait for anybody."
With a nonchalant shrug, I mustered up the most impish grin I could manage as I spun around to face the group of wavering cadets. "If we're going to die anyway, we might as well choose the way we die, yeah?"
Jumping off the edge, I followed after Jean and Mikasa's tracks while using the least amount of gas possible. Behind me, Sasha was releasing a string of colorful language — verbal diarrhea — to the best her poor oratory skills allowed, taunting the crowd into action.
The cadets erupted into a battle outcry leaping off the roofs on pure instinct.
"So, what's the plan, leader?" I hollered out to Jean, cutting through the bellowing from behind.
Jean whipped his head around to face me, looking at me with stunned, comical surprise. "E-Excuse me?" He stammered out, eyes bewildered, staring at me as if I had grown a second head mid-air. "What the fuck?"
If only we weren't in a life-threatening situation, I would've been a snorting, guffawing mess on the ground. That expression was pure gold.
"In case you're wondering, no, I didn't make a mistake when I said that. What should we do?" I repeated, skipping over the chimney in front of me.
Connie glanced at me with an incredulous look. "You're crazy. Jean? Our leader? What has the world come to—"
"Uh, Titan feed?" Sasha suggested though we all made her snap shut with a harsh, piercing glare. No one wanted a reminder now of our dire situation, no matter how realistic it was.
"Well, are you going to be our leader?" My eyebrows arched, carrying on with the previous conversation. "Taking charge of everything? Like our plans? Strategy? You, of all people?" I ridiculed.
The rage was simmering underneath the surface, but Connie resisted the urge to lash out at my snarky comment. There was hardly enough time to waste on useless bantering. He settled with pulling a face, feeling a sense of deja vu at the question. "Ew, no. Humanity will be screwed— well, I mean it's already screwed, but you know what I mean." He was rambling now, fumbling over his own words, but it was probably just a side effect of the fear that was still lurking around.
"That's what I thought," I huffed out an exasperated sigh. "Well? I'm waiting, horse-face."
"Would you stop calling me that?! And hell no, I can't be in charge!" Jean blanched at the idea of himself being in the front-line, barking order after order. It just wasn't in his character to do so.
I rolled my eyes at the way his expression betrayed every thought of his. "You just have to be our figure-head and do what you do best: not dying."
"Wow, that is so easy to do." He couldn't help but scoff at the outrageous order. "I just have to stand there in front and magically dodge all the Titans. And then somehow have the brains to think up strategies on the spot and get us all alive until we reach the headquarters." Jean's words were dripping in every way possible with sarcasm, but there was no humor to it. Only bitterness. "You think I'm a god or something?"
This time, I was the one who pulled a face. "Well, no wonder humanity is screwed. You're unbelievable. How do you manage to carry around a head and ego that size?" I sneered back.
"...Oh, you better wait till I get out of this alive," Jean rumbled darkly. "I'm going to take these blades, stab them into you, and watch you bleed slowly to death in pain and agony until you wish you were never born."
A disturbing, awkward moment of silence ensued.
"Uh...?" Sasha sheepishly grinned, glancing between the both of us.
Connie deadpanned, forcing himself to focus on the matter at hand.
"Man, you have such great taste," I grimaced. "Didn't know you were into sadism."
Armin shook his head in disapproval at our incredibly inappropriate bantering session, considering our circumstance. "Guys, can we focus on following after Mikasa right now? I'm worried she's going to over-use her gas and run out soon."
The degree of urgency underlying Armin's quiet voice slapped us back into action.
"Right, anyway, just be our temporary leader, for now, Jean." I refused to back down and pushed my opinion louder. Jean was filled with skepticism, but I didn't allow him to give a retort. I wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. "I have your back. Let's break up into two groups. Armin, Connie, Sasha, you guys follow after Mikasa. Jean and I will lead the rest of the cadets down towards the headquarters."
"Sure, see you guys later down there!" Connie nodded in understanding, taking a sharp turn towards the right where Mikasa was. Then, he paused for a second before whipping his head around to meet our waiting gaze. "...Don't die." The words rolled heavily off his tongue, but the death-scented air compelled him to speak regardless.
With those last words, they disappeared, leaving Jean and me alone in the front lines.
"...How exactly am I supposed to take responsibility for all these lives?" Jean suddenly blurted out.
I blinked, swerving my head around to meet him as we sprinted along the rooftops. "What?" I asked, confused.
"I'm not fit for being a leader and I can't take responsibility for all these people," Jean confessed, grip on his gears loosening from the sweat and anxiety. "How am I supposed to take them all down with me to this hell of ours?"
"Well..." I opened my mouth to speak, only to find out that I was rendered speechless by Jean's profounding question.
Jean was waiting, stewing silently in the edgy silence. I wasn't sure how to break it to him that I had no clue. There was only one thing that I knew, and I didn't want to break it to him.
An ear-splitting scream from behind caught us both by surprise as we slid to a halt, sliding against the roof. Spinning around, stricken with horror, we watched as three cadets were carried into the air, flailing helplessly within the Titans' grasps.
"Fuck," I cursed under my breath and made a move towards them, only to be stopped by the iron-grip on my shoulder.
"W-Wait, it's too late!" Jean stammered out, eyes bewildered and frantically darting all over the streets.
"But...!" I made a move to brush him off, but the scream quieted down and I knew it was really too late.
The crunching of bones, the blood spatter, the putrid smell of flesh. It was precisely the same thing that I experienced three years ago and just recently today. Again, I was standing here, helpless.
Eight titans came strolling over, destroying our ranks in the blink of an eye. They crowded over towards a building, feasting and devouring whatever remained of our comrades.
Heart in my mouth, ice in my veins, I stared horror-stricken long after the screams for help stopped.
How exactly am I supposed to take responsibility for all these lives?
I was reminded of Jean's question from before. Gripping my gear tightly, pushing down the despair that threatened to release itself, I managed to stammer out. "We can't take responsibility for them all."
Jean broke out of his terrified trance, staring at me dumb-struck. "...Huh?"
"I'm saying that we can't take responsibility for everyone." This time, I managed to keep my voice calm. "It's...impossible. Everyone takes responsibility only for their lives. It's not our fault if they end up dying. They were just...too weak or unlucky."
Shock jolted through him at my cold, heartless words. His eyebrows twitched, jaws tightening. Whipping his head around towards me, I was met face to face with eyes roiling with darkness, uncontained fury, and hatred. He grabbed the collar of my shirt and yanked me up with brute force. "What the hell, Rose?! You better take all that back, right now before I seriously throw you into that group of Titans!"
I stood my ground, golden eyes gleaming with certainty. I hung there, glaring belligerently even with my face forced up at such a harsh angle. "I'll repeat it if you want. They died because they were too weak. It's their own fault. We can't take responsibility for every single life out there. No one is capable of doing that. In the end, your life is your own. You have to protect yourself."
His temper flared up at my scathing and scornful remarks. And before he could stop himself, the words came shooting out of his mouth like a well-aimed bullet at my heart. "Just because no one was there for you doesn't mean you can be a bitch about everyone else!"
There was no denying the emotional pain that squeezed my heart at his words. Jean must have immediately noticed the extreme level of hurt in my eyes, because he abruptly let go of his grip, backing away while shaking his head, his own orbs widened. "S-Shit, I—" He clamped his mouth shut as his voice shook. With the clearing of his throat, he tried again. "I'm sorry. That was a dick move."
"...No, it's okay. I just have abysmal speech skills." I found myself apologizing as well. "That came out harsher than I wanted it to. What I wanted to say is—"
"That we have no other choice but to keep on moving forward, right?" Jean finished my statement.
I blinked, genuinely surprised that he managed to understand my words. "Uh, yeah. That's what I meant. What we need in our situation isn't someone who can take responsibility for all of us. We need someone mentally and emotionally strong enough to push everyone forward, no matter what happens." I trailed off, casting a meaningful glance downwards. My hands were trembling still. "And I'm not that person. I can't do it, but I believe that you can."
Jean didn't reply, though I could feel his thoughtful gaze on the crown of my head.
I lifted my head up again, meekly staring back at him in shame. "To be honest, I just pushed you to be our leader because I was afraid of taking that position myself. I'm truly sorry about that."
"...Am I dreaming or you're actually honestly apologizing for once?" The playful tone in Jean's voice was so unsuitable for our situation, but I held back from slogging that infuriatingly satisfied face.
"Okay, whatever suits your boat. Anyway, I think it's our chance to get to HQ, now that the Titans are flocked up over there," I relayed my opinion to him with a jerk of my head. "We might as well hurry up before our gas runs out."
Jean gave a sharp nod in understanding. He spun around and yelled out an order. "NOW'S OUR CHANCE! LET'S GET TO THE HEADQUARTERS WHILE THE TITANS ARE DISTRACTED!" With a quick wave of his swords, he jumped off towards our destination, sprinting along the roofs with me slightly behind him.
"You think the others are doing fine?" Jean asked as we leaped over another chimney.
I gripped my gear harder, glancing at him from the side. "Let's just pray that they do."
Not that prayers ever worked, but at least it's something.
"TITAN INCOMING FROM THE LEFT!"
"TWO ON THE RIGHT! HURRY UP AND KILL IT!"
There were screams from behind us. With a curt nod at each other, Jean and I spun around in different directions, diving right down to hell.
No time to waste. If we don't make it, then it's really over, and I won't let that happen on our watch...!
Unbeknownst to us all, in the far distance away from our battlefield, the other four were witnessing what we would soon come to call Humanity's Hope.