ZA: AAAARGH! GREAT GATSBY! Why can't I just study Much Ado about Nothing for the rest of my existence? Curse you, common core.

Crispy: Don't mind her. She's lamenting the atrocities of her high school's curriculum. Do try to focus, Zsugami.

ZA: *whimper* Fine. But there's going to be a duck later.

Crispy: Whatever will make you feel better, but you'll have to wait until third year.

Sir Bedevere: Ducks float on water, you know.

Crispy: Yes, yes, Beddy. Do get on with it, will you?

Sir B: Of course. Ahem. Zsugami Alba owns neither Harry Potter nor Bleach. Also, she does not weigh the same as a duck; therefore, she is not a witch.

ZA & Crispy: *facepalm*

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Chapter 25: My Spidey Senses are Tingling!

"*Dear Haru,

First of all; screw you, mine just down right sucked. It started off good as Goat Chin let me get off school for the day to keep us locked up in the house for obvious reasons, but that didn't stop some people from breaking in. Since the midget doesn't even have Valentines day where she's from she asked one of my other friends during school what it was. She decided to give me a box of home-made chocolates without knowing what it meant in this country. When I tried to explain to her why I declined, she got mad and hit me hard before storming off (and for the hundredth time, no she's not my girlfriend and never will be). Then Renji broke in, gave me a box of chocolates (without knowing the meaning behind it) and stayed for dinner after being invited by Yuzu (**darn mooch). Then Chad, Uryu and Orihime came to visit (after checking if the coast was clear) with the latter giving me another box of chocolates (no matter the meaning, I have to get rid of it as soon as she leaves). They also were invited to dinner by Yuzu (bless her innocent heart). Dinner was nice (despite Renji mooching off of us. Why couldn't he go to Hat 'n Clogs like he always does?) until that box of chocolates Orihime made suddenly came to life and attacked anyone that came close to it. We had to fight for our lives against the choco-monstrosity. I have a feeling Hat 'n Clogs had something to do with this, I swear. After a hard fought battle that I didn't want any part in, the house was a mess with broken furniture and damage to the house itself. Everything was covered in mystery chocolate, and every one of the guys got food poisoning (including myself). WORST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER!

Your miserable, sick, older brother,

Ichigo Kurosaki"

Haru finished reading his brother's letter as Ron peered over his shoulder.

"Are you sure it says all that? It looks like Percy's Ancient Runes homework," Ron commented.

Hermione leaned over to have a look at the letter. She couldn't really answer the question herself since she hadn't learned Japanese yet. It was on the list, though. "He must be really upset. He didn't even bother to separate his sentences into paragraphs. He's usually quite conscientious about that."

Ron gave the letter a closer look. "How can you tell where the paragraphs are?"

Draco's palm immediately connected with the back of Ron's head. "Are you really questioning the all-knowing Granger?"

"Oh. Sorry, Hermione," Ron mumbled.

"Thank you, Draco," said Hermione, looking pleased.

Draco stared at her. "I thought I was Malfoy to you."

Haru grinned. "It would appear you've leveled up. You'll never catch up to me, though. My power level's over 9,000."

Hermione's palm immediately connected with the back of Haru's head. "No Dragon Ball Z references. They're beneath you."

"So what are we writing in the diary today?" Draco asked, quickly changing the subject to something he could follow.

Haru stood thinking for a moment. "I don't know. Whose turn is it anyway?"

"Hermione hasn't had a go yet," Ron pointed out.

"That's because Hermione is a good deal more mature than you boys," Hermione said.

"Don't refer to yourself in the third person, Granger. It's beneath you."

Haru jogged up the stairs to the second year boys' dormitory to fetch their new favorite toy only to come down again moments later empty handed. "It's gone! And someone's trashed the room!"

Everyone hurried to investigate the damage. Draco was told he had to wait outside. "But Granger gets to go, and she's a girl!"

"Oh, well spotted, Draco. At least we let you into the common room. Have a seat on the sofa, and do try not to hex any first years," Hermione instructed.

Draco looked offended. "Then you tell them not to flick their bogeys at me! It's disgusting – even for commoners."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "That was only the once, and Mordred apologized. You ought to be more forgiving of your own cousin."

"Yeah, Mordred's bogeys have wound up on all of us at some point," Ron pointed out. "Besides, his current obsession is flobberworms. Come to think of it, better watch out where you sit."

Up in the dormitory, Hermione and Ron surveyed the damage.

Hermione started to analyze the crime scene. "It looks as though you were the main target of the…"

"Tornado," Ron supplied helpfully.

"Well, yes," Hermione agreed. "It does rather look like a tornado hit Haru's section of the room. Is the diary the only thing that's missing?"

Haru rummaged around in the mess for a bit. "Looks like it. If that's what they were looking for, how did they know we had it?"

"It isn't as though you've been discreet about it," said Hermione. "You've often been seen writing in it in the common room. I suppose that means it was a Gryffindor."

"I think the fact that the theft took place in Gryffindor Tower means it's a Gryffindor. Who from the other houses besides Malfoy has ever been allowed in?" Ron said.

The three returned to the common room to give Draco an update. "Hmm…if someone was that desperate to obtain the diary, it must be more than just an amusing diversion. Perhaps we should have asked it a few questions while we had it instead of messing about."

Everyone agreed, but hindsight is 20/20. Whatever information the diary held was lost to them now.

Unfortunately, the theft of the diary seemed to herald a new wave of petrifications. Nearly Headless Nick, Justin Finch Fletchley, Penelope Clearwater and Hermione Granger all fell victim to the basilisk's reflection. Draco, Ron, and Haru sat vigil by Hermione's sickbed in silence.

"Perhaps we should…decorate?" Draco suggested one day during their afternoon visit to the infirmary. Haru and Ron looked at him in confusion.

"You know. So when she wakes up, she knows we…care," Draco explained. "Perhaps something…frilly? Maybe a kitten poster? She likes kittens, doesn't she? I mean, she's a girl. Maybe a banner that says, 'HANG IN THERE' or 'AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT DROOLING'…." He looked at the disbelief in the other boys' faces. "No? Look, I'm trying to be positive here and distract us all from our grief. I don't hear you two coming up with any ideas."

The hospital wing doors swung open, and Ichigo strode in. "Any change?" he asked.

"Of course not, Kurosaki!" Draco snapped. "The only thing that can cure petrification is the restorative draught made from mandrake root, and the mandrakes haven't fully matured yet."

"Right. Sorry," said Ichigo. He turned to look at Hermione. "I don't know why you keep coming here. She can't see or hear you, and it's a bit depressing."

"I know," agreed Draco. "I suggested we decorate, but Weasley and your brother don't like any of my ideas."

"Kitten posters? Really, Draco?" Ron asked.

Haru looked to Ichigo. "You have girlfriend. What do girls like to look at?"

"Rukia likes rabbits, I thi—Wait! I do not have a girlfriend!" Ichigo protested.

Ichigo watched the steady parade of little, brown arachnids as it meandered across the floor, up the wall, and out the castle window. "These spiders are weird. Do all British spiders move in swarms like this?"

Ron looked pale. "Swarms? Did you say swarms of spiders? Where?"

"Over there." Ichigo indicated where the wriggling line came within a few inches of Ron's sneakers.

Ron jumped back and immediately began checking his own body for stragglers.

"Ron has an intense fear of spiders," Haru explained. "Don't ask. It is odd, though. Where are they going?"

Ichigo looked out the window. "Looks like they're headed to those trees over there. Wonder what's in that forest that they're trying to get to."

Haru pasted on his most innocent expression. "That's the Forbidden Forest. We can't go in there. It's forbidden. I guess we'll never solve this mystery."

"I suppose not," Draco added. "Oh well. I'm sure it's not important and has absolutely nothing to do with the basilisk attacks."

"Why is it forbidden?" Ichigo asked. "Did some first year get lost in there, or something?"

"Nobody knows," said Haru with wide eyes.

"Who cares?" said Ron, ignoring the meaningful look that Haru was aiming at him behind Ichigo's back. "I'm not going anywhere that attracts that many spiders."

"But it could be an important clue," Ichigo argued. "Maybe we should investigate."

"You want us to break the rules?" Haru gasped. "What would Dad say?"

"Oh, knock it off, Haru," Ichigo scoffed. "I know you want to go in there as much as I do. What are we waiting for?"

"Oh, all right," sighed Haru. "But remember: if Dad finds out, it was your idea."

"We should've stayed back in the castle with Weasley," said Draco, pausing a moment in the middle of their mad dash to safety as he attempted to pull strands of spider web from his hair. "This stuff will take forever to get out."

"Stop whining and run faster!" Ichigo yelled, waving his zanpakuto like a madman, his hakama covered in the silvery threads.

Suddenly, Haru froze as he noticed his brother was still attired in his Soul Reaper gear. "Ichigo! We forgot your body!"

"No wonder they're not following us," Draco said. "They must be too busy devouring your brother. Thanks, Kurosaki. Your sacrifice will be rewarded. Do you like fruit baskets?"

"Shut up, you idiot! We have to go back! I can't go home without a body!" Ichigo cried.

Haru and Ichigo immediately turned to run back in the direction of the acromantula colony, Draco trailing reluctantly behind. "Can't we just cast a summoning charm?"

"We haven't learned that yet," Haru pointed out. "And Hermione isn't here."

Fortunately, the spiders were too busy arguing amongst themselves over who got to eat the eyes to see the boys carrying the cocooned body off on a stretcher Draco hastily transfigured from a pumpkin pasty wrapper Haru had found in the pocket of his robes.

Unfortunately, Ichigo returned to his body only to discover he'd been poisoned with acromantula venom. "We'd better take him to the infirmary," said Haru. He can keep Hermione company for us. We won't have to decorate after all."

ZA: Don't worry. Ichigo's fine. Madame Pomfrey keeps the antidote to acromantula venom on hand as it is an ingredient for some NEWT level potions.

*Credit for Ichigo's reply to Haru's letter (see previous chapter) goes to firebird0315.

**My mother felt compelled to edit the naughty word.