ZA: I'm wearing a top hat. It makes me feel sophisticated – even in my bathrobe. Would you like to try it, Crispy? *puts hat on mother*

Crispy: It's on crooked. Makes me feel jaunty. Sophisticated and jaunty.

Yumichika: It totally clashes with the rest of your outfit! You're just lazing about the house and wearing a top hat!

Crispy: Your point?

Yumichika: There's no way people like you could ever own Harry Potter or Bleach.

Crispy: I don't know. I think J.K. Rowling might wear a top hat while lounging around the house if she owned one.

ZA: *takes top hat back* Anyway…on with the chapter.

"English"

"Japanese"

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Chapter 26: Warden Pomfrey

'To the left…no one. To the right…no one. Straight ahead…petrified bodies and a kitten poster. No witnesses.'

Ichigo pressed his combat pass into his leg, exiting his body and diving under one of the unoccupied infirmary beds. Slowly, ever so slowly, he began to army crawl towards the doors that led to freedom. Suddenly, the warden appeared next to his bed.

"Oh no! His heart's stopped again!"

"Crud."

Ichigo felt the now familiar yank pull him back to his body as Madame Pomfrey performed a resuscitation spell. 'She's going to give me whiplash one of these days.'

"I'm fine! Really! You don't have to keep doing that," he complained.

Pomfrey looked incredulous. "I don't have to keep restarting your heart? So you want to be dead, do you? Not on my watch, Mr. Kurosaki."

"I wasn't dead. It was only temporary. I have a condition," Ichigo argued.

"I've had to resuscitate you 15 times in the last two days!"

"It wouldn't keep happening if you'd just let me out of here. Hospitals exacerbate my condition."

"I've never heard of this 'condition' you keep mentioning," said Pomfrey. "What's it called?"

"Um…Zanpakuto Syndrome. I was exposed to it a couple of years ago. It's not really life-threatening. It just seems that way."

Pomfrey shook her head. "Perhaps I should run another full diagnostic scan to be on the safe side."

Ichigo made a face. "I hate those. They make me feel all weird."

"That's how you know it's working. Now hold still." Pomfrey proceeded to run her wand over Ichigo, muttering to herself and emitting the occasional "tsk tsk".

"It would seem you've been playing with sharp objects. Have you been running around with scissors? The odd things you muggles do for fun."

"That's just a mild symptom," Ichigo pouted. "It has nothing to do with scissors."

"And how exactly did you contract this disease?" The healer inquired.

"It isn't a disease, it's a condition. I'm friends with this girl who has it. It's complicated," Ichigo tried to deflect.

"Ah…so it's like mono," Pomfrey nodded in understanding. "She's your girlfriend then?"

"She isn't my girlfriend! Why does everyone keep saying that?"

Pomfrey looked disapprovingly at her patient. "If she isn't your girlfriend, you shouldn't be kissing her."

"I didn't kiss her! She stabbed me!" Ichigo immediately realized what he'd said, so he added, "With words! She wouldn't actually stab me in the chest with a sword. That would be crazy."

"Perhaps I should do a brain scan as well. You seem unusually…." Pomfrey trailed off, searching for the best way to word her thoughts.

"Insane?" supplied Draco helpfully as he made his way across the infirmary.

"Yes, well, I wouldn't use that particular word, but…there we have it." Pomfrey shrugged.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "I'm not insane. I'm just…different. It's a Japanese thing."

Draco looked thoughtful. "Hmm…that could be true. I've seen similar behavior from the other members of your family."

Pomfrey peered closely at Ichigo. "Perhaps it's genetic."

Ichigo was losing patience. "Could you just let me go? Please? I'm in desperate need of fresh air. And an actual bathroom."

"You are not to get up from that bed. You can use the bedpan like all my other patients."

"All your other patients are petrified. They don't need a bedpan," Ichigo pointed out.

"Semantics," sniffed Pomfrey. She pointed her wand at Ichigo in warning. "You'll do as you're told, or I'll use a sticking charm to keep you in place."

"You've already got me wrapped up like a mummy. I can't go anywhere like this anyway."

Draco donned a sympathetic look. "Poor fellow. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up? Another kitten poster, perhaps? Maybe something with a motivational quote?"

Ichigo glared at him. "I hate you, Malfoy."

"Yes, yes." Draco waved away the insult. "I'm sure you do."

"What are you doing in here, anyway?" Ichigo asked.

"I brought a few doilies for Granger's bedside table. Also, I'm supposed to warn you that your father is here."

"Iiiiiichiiiigooooo!" The doors burst open, and a frantic Isshin rushed into the room. "Oh, my poor baby! What have they done to you?" Isshin threw himself over Ichigo, sobbing hysterically. "Haru told me how you bravely saved him and…that redhead from those nasty spiders."

"Actually, Dad, it was Malfoy that was with Haru. Ron refused to come with. He has a thing about spiders. Can you get off of me now? I can barely breathe."

When Isshin made no attempt to move, Ichigo looked pleadingly at Pomfrey. "He's aggravating my condition."

Isshin bolted upright. "Condition? What condition? What's wrong with him? Is he dying? Oh, my son! My only son!" Isshin fell back on Ichigo, eliciting an "Oomph!" from the poor kid.

"Um…I'm pretty sure you have two sons, Mr. Kurosaki," Draco reminded him.

Madame Pomfrey addressed the distraught father. "Apparently he's contracted some sort of condition that causes his heart to stop at random moments. He says it isn't life-threating."

Isshin immediately calmed down. "Oh that. Right. That's why I keep defibrillators at home. I think he contracted it from his girlfriend. What's her name, Ichigo? Rukia something?"

Pomfrey looked skeptical. "And what is the name of this condition?"

"Um…it's a big, long word. Very technical. Lots of Latin. I think it begins with an R."

"Zanpakuto Syndrome?" Pomfrey supplied.

"Yes! That's it!" Isshin nodded. "He should outgrow it in a year or two. Happens all the time in Japan."

"Clearly I need to brush up on my international illnesses."

"Yes, yes. Well, I've learned that his heart restarts automatically after a while. There's no need to revive him prematurely. He'll be fine," Isshin assured her. "I had the same thing at his age, and look how normal I turned out."

"Dad, you're not helping."

"Why was I not informed of this?" Pomfrey demanded.

Isshin and Ichigo both looked a bit guilty. "Well, I'm not actually a student here, and it's such a minor issue. We didn't think it would ever come up."

Madame Pomfrey was not buying it. "He's to stay overnight. If – IF his body behaves, he may leave in the morning."

Isshin rose to his feet. "Well, if that's all, I should return home. I have patients. Very busy day at the clinic. Plus, I'm seeing a man about a new guitar. This one comes with an amp and a one-year warranty!" He walked out of the infirmary, leaving Ichigo with a horrified expression on his face.

"Why do I feel another father/son summer looming over me?" he moaned, just as Haru entered the infirmary.

"I feel your pain, brother," Haru sighed. "But better you than me. Besides, we've got a problem."

ZA: A cliffhanger! How evil of me. Next chapter, we'll be finishing up second year so we can get back to the super non-canon stuff. Will Isshin buy that new guitar? How will Ichigo and Haru avoid the imminent "summer of bonding"? And will Captain Kuchiki discover the rumors surrounding his sister and the Soul Society's newest substitute soul reaper?

Crispy: Maybe we should have given Ichigo the top hat. He could probably use the pick-me-up.